october 21st, 2005
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http://www.astrodreamadvisor.com/index.html#
(do your mayan astrology on there! it's very interesting!)
i am a white overtone dog, jason is a yellow electric sun :)

my monitor keeps shutting itself off every few minutes.
does anyone have any idea why it might be doing this and how i can fix it?

edit***
(ok, well, it's been 20 minutes now and it hasn't gone off. but it did turn off 3 times this morning right in a row this morning all within a 5 minutes.

and it also did this a few days ago, as well.
farg.

maybe it will be good to me for the rest of the day.

i guess i need to buy a new monitor?)

last night i decided to try out that weird chocolate mint kingpin "blunt" i had. it was awful. i don't even know exactly what that was.
so i switched over to a clove cig and tried to make cool pix of smoke coming out of my mouth. i got at least 1 picture that was cool.

i never inhale the cigarettes, tho.

10:15pm

looking:

link

Spae-wights often appear as swans. In the Old Norse sources, they are usually maidens (again, confused with valkyries by the late thirteenth-century scribe of Codex Regius); there is also a Danish folk-story about seven brothers who are enchanted into swan-shape. The swan is the bird most tied to Wyrd: Snorri tells us in the Prose Edda that two swans swim in Wyrds Well, and the Finnish epic Kalevala (which preserves a number of Norse traditions, including the kenning fiÛrrs new cabin for the sky) tells of a black swan that floats on the river of Tuonela (Death).

10:00pm

6:40pm

went through one more bag of paper for taxes. each day i will just get more and more done.
was behind in anacam biz , too, so got that done. *whew*
i got an email from the webmaster of ingwaz.nl!
asking me why i am linking to his site because he has been getting a lot of traffic to his site from here, inside ana2. and he was wondering what my site is because he can't get into ana2 and he thinks it might just be a porn site and he's not too happy about me giving him any traffic if i am that :(
i am actually really happy that he wrote! because now i can ask him more about ingwaz and why he chose that rune of all the runes to be on his front page and why he also chose to draw it as 2 swans which remind me of my 2 heads with wings i drew.
(which is why i linked to ingwaz.nl to show you the similarity and write about it)
i don't know what language his site is in. is it dutch?
i am thinking of what to write back to him so he doesn't think i am some sort of nut for linking to him in a journal entry.
i think i will just make him a username and password and let him check out ana2 so he can see this is not a bad place (at least i would hope he would not see it as such!)
because that would make me so sad if he thought my site to be so awful that he did not even want me to link to him when i talk about runes in my journal :(
and i rrrreeeeeaaallllly want him to explain the 2 swans sooooooo much!
anyway, that made me both excited at the possibility that i could talk to him about ingwaz and also very sad that maybe he will NOT want to talk to me about ingwaz if he disagrees with my art :(
so, hold it in your thoughts that it will be a GOOD thing and he will like ana2, because what is there not to like?

4:41pm

i was such in a frenetic hurry to rid myself of things from my house the other day that i actually put by the trash (for someone to have) an entire photo album full of family photos! i THOUGHT i was putting the photo alnum which had NO photos in it, which was brand new and my mom gave me....but instead i got rid of the one with all the family photos in that my mom had made me. lots of photos of her and i. i knew i subsconsciously wanted to get rid of it, but i guess that desire actualized itself as i made that "mistake" without my knowing of it consciously!
freaky.
anyway...it's a good thing someone thought that it DIDN'T want to eb trash (since it was right by the trash) and brought it to the office and then they deduced it was me from later pictures of me in there.
i'm glad i have it back even tho it makes me feel meloncholy.
*whew*
just went into the thing room, and yep, there is the photo album with NO pictures in it. so i definitely was in such a hurry i grabbed the wrong photo album to get rid of.
it's strange it made it back to me. i would have thought, since it ws by the trash to be thrown away, that it would've been thrown away!
but i guess i'm meant to have it because it's back in my house now!

i got a card for my dad's retirement party/ceremony thing today.
that makes me feel melocholy , too.
i know he can't wait to retire and so i'm happy for him but at the same time i am weirdly sad because i just have never known my dad NOT to "do his job"...and it's hard for me to envision him having a life after retirement.
it must be scary for him, too.
i know he really is looking forward to it, but he also really doesn't have a "plan" for what he even wants to do afterwards. not that you HAVE to have a plan.
but just...you know...i'd feel better if he had a plan of ANY kind.
people need things to look forward to to keep going, you know?
i will probably cry my eyes out at this thing.
i think it's weirdly, more traumatic to ME that he is retiring that it is to him.

the whole retirement thing is just weird to me anyhow, because i know i will never "retire" from being an artist.
although who can say what i will feel when i am 65?
i certainly don't have any money to reture on and have no PLAN to have any money.
so i guess i am in just as much a predicament as my dad in a way.
he has enough money to retire but doesn't knwo what to do with his retirement and i don't have any money for retirement but don't really wish to retire anyway so...
well, no that isn't the same kind of predicament, is it?

i don't know what i'm saying.....

anyway, i feel conflicted and strange about it.
even tho i am not a lutheran or even a christian, in the strict sense of the word (meaning no i do not think jesus christ is the only son of god and he is my "saviour" and that he died for my sins etc)...i still grew up with it...
and hearing my dad singing all the creeds and hymns is just something that i ALWAYS want to be able to hear.
and the fact that there is an end date to this is just upsetting to me.
it's a comfort thing. i think i'm going to have to figure out a way to record my dad singing so that i always can play it back.
the fact that there could be a time where i would have access to that really freaks me out.
i need to hear my dad sing, or just to KNOW he is singing...it comforts me.
the way he can never decide which octave to sing in and so he switches back and forth mid song.
and i love my dad's voice. sitting in a pew, and the way pews smal, that woodsy old scent, and hearing my dad's nice speaking voice explaining things in parables and stories and my mom next to me wearing her black fur coat and she would give me an apache tear (obsidan) from out of her purse to hold and keep me still and quiet.
i wonder why she had that rock in the 1st place. she always seemed to have one. where did she get them?
there wasn't anywhere nearby that sold them.
but such started my fascination with rocks and love of that particular kind of fur coat (very bad of me i know, but i've nevr bought a NEW fur coat). hers she SAID was seal, but later i found out that is just the word they use for shaved something else...like beaver or something?
(yes, let the sexual jokes fly)

when i went to the church this summer to see the comic lynda berry, and perused the the hymnal i did get all misty eyed knowing that soon i would not hear my dad singing these hymns anymore.
it's weird, the things we get attached to.

my dad told me he has a piano again!
he hasn't had one for decades! it's almost like when i got rid of my piano he received it.
so cool :)
i hope there will be time to hear my dad play something on the piano when i am there.
i need to record that, too.

it's so rainy here, the sun is going down, i hear the swish of cars in rain, a police siren, and a city bus.

as i lay in the tub today i thought about what it was a possibility that there WAS no life after death and i would never ever have a body again. nor would i even know if i had ever existed. i would just go back to the earth and that would be that.
that's what my dad thinks is going to happen until jesus comes again and rises us all from the dead.
he thinks he will just switch off like a lamp and then be switched back on again when jesus comes again.
i think that is a highly unlikely and strange scenario and i cannot even know how anyone could really believe that, for real.
because for one, it just makes no sense to see people from hundreds of years ago rising from their graves...and what about the people who have no graves to rise from?
what about the people whose bodies were entirely destroyed?
i don't know...

anyway...i tried to think from the point of view that after this life, i will never ever know what it is like to take a bath. to have a body and take a bath.
and certainly it is true i will never have THIS body again and take a bath after i die...
so i tied to take it in.
and i took in the sensation of my hands coming out of the water and being colder and then my hands going back int the water, and this made me smile :)
and then i listened to the sounds the bubbles in my bath were making as they popped their tiny little pops, and i heard the sound of the ventilation system of this building humming it's dissonant hum...
and all the little ambient sounds.

anyway that was good. it made me smile.
now jason is here and i'm going to go talk to him.

3:46pm

ok, found sebastian's paper that says he got his shots.
made a bath. gonna take the trash out now.
then i'll go down to the office and hand them sebastian's paper and hope that will be enough to get them off my case.

2:04pm

Palindrome:
"Mr. Owl ate my metal worm"

http://www.fusionanomaly.net/

(yes, i am procrastinating...)

12:57pm

i'm so bummed, the copy place that was just by me has gone :(
and i am aggravated at my building management who are demanding all of all dog owners now to produce papers that all the dogs have had their rabies shots and such.
i don't have $120 to go get pooka and deiter rabies shots.
and i did just get sebastian his, and now i can find the piece of paper and the deadline is today. farg.
i am just going to hand in sebastian's and hope they don't ask for me for the others. they can be rather disorganized down there so maybe they will not ask for more. but i just have to find sebastian's paper today.
blarg. i just had it when i got his hair cut. but now have NO idea where it is. rrrrrr.

it's very grey and hazy today. i am listening to Air again.
yesterday all i did is read here:

http://phoenix.akasha.de/%7Eaton/HOME.html

and i didn't even make it 1% through it all.
but i have to give up on that now and trying to understand that site because mundane life is calling me to get things done. i am behind on so much.

i am envious of people who can make a merkaba and are travelling to egypt to reactivate certain parts the pyramids and the sphinx or who meet with all the tribes in the world to meet their future selves in 2010 and create mini time gate ways.
goddamit. *I* want to do that. i want to know HOW.
i feel so unevolved when i read about this kind of stuff.
like i am some sort of primate just going "wha?"
i know deep in my heart that is my full potential and i feel so far away from that potential. but maybe i can console myself with the old "things are the way they are meant to be" thing.
i don't know...
i just feel i am supposed to be helping earth during this shift and after. maybe my part in it is just to give links out to people so that other people can become more aware.
i suppose i do my part in my own way.
we can't ALL be at the pyramids reactivating them or whatever.
but fffffffffffuck.
i waaaaaant toooo beeeeeeee!

i don't even like to meditate.
therein lies part of the problem, perhaps.
i just lack the sheer discipline and focus to do something like that.
i wonder if i ever WILL have that much discipline and focus in that way?

i don't even know how to activate my own chakras let alone the freaking pyramid. what am i even THINKING?
i haven't even space cleared my own HOUSE.

god, i have so much work ahead of me. so much to do and learn.

but 1st i just have to go find sebastian's paper that says he got all his shots and then take a bath and bring it down there so the building management will stop bugging me.

and then, i guess, work on my taxes some more, eve if just for 1/2 an hour. i should just probably work on it now because sebastian's paper is probably somewhere in that mound of paper.

jesus h. i just looked at at stupid online quiz of "could you pass 8th grade math"?

and i cannot even get past the 1st question. it doesn't even make sense to me. and i don't have an answer for the 2nd one either.
i give up.
i am an idiot.

meanwhile this genuis person:

says:
"Other photos reveals a Tibetan fire letter of Light over my head that was observed by participants who opened their eyes in the meditation to behold it, and subsequently take snapshots, it also shows on video camera (looking a little like a Hebrew Vau)."

ya, and i'm just trying to get to vacuuming my floor.

but this:

Iso-symmetrical geometrical Dhamata layout

i KNOW it! but i have no idea what to DO with it.
so i am just stuck here like a monkey going "wtf?"

meanwhile, this person, ananda is saying and thinking things like:

"I soon realised that the Octonian multiple dimensional hyper-symmetries, Simplex physics, Lie Algebra, Clifford algebra, etc etc... all had their intergeometrical components that shared the syntax which the Extra-Temporal Athena took me through in the mid 1990's — expanding the Vortexijah iso-symmetries into their higher complexity dimensions of Omnijectivity, and Omnilooping my alpha-logic in Omnipolations that are Living real Omni-temporal Simulations of Vortexijah translations into their Omnidimensional Omnimorphologues.
The Binomial Co-Efficient Prime Number coding of the universe (Rg Veda called the Manufested Manual of the Universe) in infinite dimensions asymptotically/Iso-symptotically and Omni-symptotically equal to...."

and i can't even complete an online 8th grade math quiz!
it's embarrassing!

but you know, fuck, she didn't figure it out completely on her own, she has a multidimensional being made up of a whole bunch of collective consciousnesses from "the future" helping her out.
in fact, this "thing" actually made his ot her body 7th dimensional or something for 20 whole minutes which made her completely invisible to everyone in the room. and this was at a young age i think.
so damn, s/he has the advantage you know?

if that happened to me i'd probably just scream and have to be hospitalized.
i have enough neurosis about people being in my space let alone having some collective thing that calls itself "we are emmanuel" taking over my body and making it 7th dimensional.

so.....i guess that is the conundrum and probably explains why i am NOT over at the pyramids reactivating "ancient alphabets in hyperdimensional cube form" and creating "dna starships" on top of the highest mountain in scandinavia to reclaim back some of "thor's hammer"

and why i just need to learn to clean and feng shui my house and get in touch with my OWN body in it's 3 dimensional form FIRST.

but dagnabit! i'm IMPATIENT!
ok...i'm going to stop sulking and being envious (and be INSPIRED...i AM inspired! but argh, you know? so much work to do!) and just get to work in getting sebastian's papers and take a bath and eat and vacuum.

i'm just not good at math, but i WANT to be.
i think visually, geometrically, and psychologically and emotionally.
i have my gifts, they are just not in math at this time.
and that's ok. at least i am as "far along" as i am, which is more than most.
and so i can be happy with my progress even tho i have so much more to go. i do like the process i am going through. and i am learning a lot of very basic lessons that are huge building blocks for other things. i can be patient. i can have focus and discipline.
i will unfold in the way i unfold in the time i unfold at.

+++

Horoscope for Aries (October 21 2005)

You will have a chance to try something new today. Your ability to do things well will make an impression on others. You will be unique in the way you express yourself and will come up with ideas that make others realize your value.

and

At a critical point
The energies in your life are reaching a culmination now. This is the time to try to bring your affairs to a climax, but do not expect to escape opposition from other people, for others have ambitions that may be in conflict with yours. Even with those aspects of your life that have been working out well and are now reaching a climax, you are not yet past the critical point. To achieve is one thing, but to incorporate these achievements into your life and make them part of your personal growth is something else. You have built structures and organized your life in various ways, and now you will experience the consequences of these structures as they begin to react and influence your life. Yet you still have the creative power to determine how your own creations will recreate you.

and

You are optimistic now about the relationship potential in your life. Whether it's romantic or business oriented, you know that things will work out in your favor. But even with your positive attitude, there is an undercurrent of fear. However capable you may be, you just aren't sure that you can perform to the expectations of others. All will turn out fine as long as you don't inflate your goals too much.