| october
19th , 2005 |
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the following will make little logical sense: be warned :)
past midnite (like 12:30am):
damn! what a day! in a good way!
i can't even explain it yet without sounding like a "madman" unless
you have read my entire journal from the last 8 years and then read between
the lines CORRECTLY.
but i'll say my last circular "revelation" (which wasn't really
a revelation as much as it was massive inward giggling to such a level that
i could not even THINK) was when i googled "god speaks in geometry"
in google and it yielded ONE result which contained in it the ONE picture
that *I* drew which was why i googled that sentence in the 1st place!
11:11 to be sure!
i am just....for lack of a better
term...flabberghasted!
at the risk of sounding completely
insane (as if i have not taken that risk before 5 gazillion times)
this is my hypothesis:
the drawings i did for spool forka dish (google "god speaks geometry" to view) were a message to me from my "higher" or "future" self so that if i should ever come upon these symbols again (in the "future") i would pay attention.
yes i know i sound schizophrenic!
(does that prove i am/not insane? it doesn't matter to me actually. my experience
is mine, i just wish someone else could also revel in this like rolling around
in a pile of beautiful autumn leaves! but no, this will probably not happen....)
i wouldn't say anything about this
in public since no one (i have met, except jason) has any context for this.
i did say a bit in lj... but i was met with a feeling that i may be into some
strange cult or something and about to off myself wearing a purple robe and
nikes (just do it!).
sorry i have a dark sense of humour :)
i would never wear nikes before i killed myself.
if i DO kill myself wearing nikes
, that will be your signal that "the mission" has failed. (again
my dark humour...sorry....damn you jae for sending me that MEAD! curses! :)
anyway, god what am i trying to say? i am so excited (i think the moon is
still in aries and so this is giving me a manic feeling, but thank you for
it because i NEEDED IT! ahhhhh such a RELIEF!)
(i feel like robin williams playing mork now and it's so annoying...please
someone shoot me a horse tranquilizer!)
ok ya...i can't explain this to you
yet.
i am just too excited.
and after i am too excited i will be too tired of thinking about it and i
won't be able to tell you (so i am trying with all my might NOW give e a few
drops to distill it). not like telling you would make any difference anyway.
but hey! it's what i DO!
i am the mediatrix!
(my new word besides "hyperreality"..."mediatrix"! ya!)
so here i am, the jennifer tilly
of mediatrix-ness....
telling you i've been seeing "symbols in my head" that my "future
self" has been sending me symbols so that when i go to THIS
crazy insane website that shows me this:
http://www.ana2.com/private/today/art2/IsoTimeWaveDharmata.htm
i go ah!
the ONLY reason i found that website is because i googled "hexagon fabric space time" or something because this weird 3d fabric that looked like something from TRON used to come into my room at night as a child and make these great configurations for me, like liquid bending shimmering light.
so 20 some years later there is google and i can look this stuff up!
and i must say it's WEIRD that the
same symbols keep popping in my life most notably in the last decade, as i
call it, the dia-monde (earth meets sky) or as i later found out the celts
called it "ingwaz" or later as i found out the greeks called her
"medusa"
which is just beyond weirdness because the drawings i did to accompany this
were a geisha with a mirror and her hair was of medusa (snakes = wisdom)and
a mirror was before her which said the same thing forwards and backwards "blessed
is the divine whore"
(mirrors and medusa play a big role in this)
(and please REMIND me why being a "whore" and being an "alchemist" are beyond interelated! no really please, remind me , ok?)
and there is SO much inbetween and sideways in this it makes me dizzy.
but anyway, the long and short of
it (as if i could EVER be concise)
is that *I* am a portal, a meeting ground, a synthesis, i am alchemy, between
heaven and earth, hell and heaven, dirt/death/into diamonds.
(a million other analogies ensue)
without struggle and pain and PRESSSURE and DARKNESS there are no DIA-MONDES.
not that i am SPECIAL in this case, we ALL are this!
this is what EARTH is. and why i
LOVE it SO MUCH!
and why i do not wish to leave as so many others do.
as much as i understand why people would wish to leave now.
i'm really here to stay.
earth is a special beautiful brutal horrific delicate kickass paradoxical
place which contains the quickest way a piece of shit could become a diamond.
i have a love /hate of the process.
but shit i am like the xs-70 polaroid camera or the black and white movie....
i'm like your grandma saying "back in the olden days we sued to have
to MEDITATE with SOUND and LIGHT to attain this level of "whateverness"
and the kids are going "ya ya ya whatever."
i appreciate NOW my grandmother's 100% swedish minimilistic background NOW.
what is the POINT of the PAST? let's move foreward and be zen and BURN everything
in the backyard, at the stonepile (the STONEPILE, PLEASE remind me to tell
you!), her wedding dress, every photo of your my ancestors. (still that was
cruel and could have been handled with better, and she did give me a great
recipe for dumplings..as as she she called them 'kloob')
i do NOT have the discernment to know if my stories are boring. at the LEAST i know that i can take ANY story, no matter how boring and find the true INTEREST in it (i don't know what i'm trying to say YET. but be happy i am TRYiNG to say it because by the time i say it i will , most likely, not have a need to say it at ALL, EVER)
i suspect, as always, it is a balance.
this is an exciting time. this is depressing and invigorating all at once.
ok, no wonder these people have these
longgggggggg websites that are hard to take on.
let me TRY to take this (at least ONE segment) step by step
here:
the one LINK that came back to me when i put in "god speaks in geometry":
http://www.livejournal.com/users/ana/1494494.html
the 2 faces i drew which i didn't understand then but just made the anyway:
http://www.anacam.com/lj2005/spool1.jpg
#1 reason i made that at the time is a) i don't know i'm just going with the flow i felt i should draw them b) i wish i had/have a twin.
years later:
#2 i had the dia-monde dream which made me see the symbol for ingwaz:
so like my heads! (a drawing i made)
OK no, that DOESN'T make much sense.
at ALL.
that's all for now.
sorry i am not much of an EFFECTIVE articulator!
i will work to get better!
ingwaz
portal
mediatriX
my dream : dia-monde
medusa
as above so below
the stories of medusa and narcissus.
this is all i can say for now.
because i do not have the words to define what it is i am experiencing.
but i will keep trying!
(BUT WAY LATER....someday....zzzzzzz)
6:04pm
i never did make it outside. the
sunset is beautiful right now.
picturesque.
jason came over and we watched an episode of arrested developement that he
has on dvd then he went to go excercise.
after a few weeks i finally had something
to write back to my dad that wasn't too charged with emotion.
i couldn't really write him even tho he had sent me 2 emails (and today a
little letter) because i've just been so angry with him and depressed i had
nothing to say that wouldn't make him feel bad in some way.
but today i had some questions about the bible and i had somethnig to say
about the thing he sent me, too. which was a sunday school assigment of mine.
we were asked to draw the perfect church that respresents the true nature
of the christian church. and i have to say my drawing and explanation kicks
ass :)
i wonder how old i was when i drew it?
i will take a picture of it for you tomorrow because i'm sure someone will
get a kick out of it :)
anyway here is what i wrote my dad:
"i like the contemporary pictures of jesus, too. i like that it shows
him in an ordinary setting in modern times instead of just some far away place
long ago or in some heavenly way. i also like that the photographer chose
to not depict the crucifixation but rather after jesus rose and he showed
his hands with the scars to the people. too many people are too fixated on
the crucifixation to an unhealthy degree and not enough importance is placed
on the fact that he ROSE from the dead. the photographer is david lachapelle,
he is one of my favourites.
the pictures of the women made up to look dead actually came from fashion
magazines if you can believe that. it's a very bizarre thing. i've been collecting
them for their cultural significance in this society.
i received your letter today that contained my drawing of the church :) it
made me smile :)
i wish there was a church that looked like that. the smiley face at the very
top cracks me up :)
it made me happy to see the way i thought of god back then still resonates
with how i feel about god now.
i want to go to your retirement ceremony very much.
but i must ask you if you know mom is going to be there. i don't want to see
her.
i will go for sure as long as she is not going to be there.
sorry that is not very forgiving or christian of me but that's the way it
is right now.
i just can't emotionally deal with something like that.
i have a bible question for you that i hope you can answer:
jesus and taxes
http://www.gospelthomas.com/gospelthomas100.html
"They showed Jesus a gold coin and said to him, "Caesar's agents are exacting taxes from us." He said to them, "Give unto Caesar the things that are Caesar's, give unto god the things that are god's, and give unto me that which is mine."
here i found a page
(http://www.san.beck.org/GoodMessage/Jesus-Har-74.html)
where it is said several times in different ways throught the gospels of the
bible. but only in "thomas" does it say "and give unto me what
is mine"
everywhere else they leave off the "and give unto me that which is mine".
why is that?
and what do you think jesus meant when he said "give unto me what is
mine"?
here are all the places in the bible the story is told:
And they sent to him some of the Pharisees and Herodians
so that they might catch him by a word.
And coming they say to him,
"Teacher, we know that you are honest
and you don't care about anyone's opinion;
for you don't look at the appearance of people,
but teach truthfully the way of God;
is it permitted to pay tax to Caesar or not?
Should we pay or shouldn't we?"
But aware of their hypocrisy
he said to them, "Why are you testing me?
Bring me a coin so that I may see it."
And they brought it.
And he says to them, "Whose image and inscription is this?
And they said to him, "Caesar's."
And Jesus said to them,
"Pay back Caesar's things to Caesar
and God's things to God."
And they were amazed at him.
Mark 12:13-17
Then going the Pharisees took advice
how they might trap him on a word.
And they send to him their disciples with the Herodians
saying, "Teacher, we know that you are honest
and teach the way of God in truth,
and you don't care about anyone's opinion,
for you don't look at the appearance of people;
therefore tell us, what do you think?
Is it permitted to pay tax to Caesar or not?"
But Jesus aware of their malice
said, "Why are you testing me, hypocrites?
Show me the coin of the tax."
And they brought him a coin.
And he says to them, "Whose image and inscription is this?"
They say, "Caesar's."
Then he says to them,
"Then pay back Caesar's things to Caesar
and God's things to God."
And hearing they marveled,
and leaving him they went away.
Matthew 22:15-22
And watching carefully they sent spies
who were pretending to be just,
so that they might catch him by a word,
in order to give him over
to the rule and authority of the governor.
"And they questioned him saying, "Teacher,
we know that you speak and teach correctly
and do not regard appearance,
but truthfully teach the way of God;
is it permitted for us to pay tax to Caesar or not?"
But noticing their cunning he said to them,
"Show me a coin; whose image and inscription does it have?"
And they said, "Caesar's."
And he said to them,
"So pay back Caesar's things to Caesar
and God's things to God."
And they could not catch him by his saying
in the presence of the people,
and marveling at his answer they were silent.
Luke 20:20-26
They showed Jesus a gold coin and said to him,
"Caesar's people demand taxes from us."
He said to them, "Give Caesar's things to Caesar;
give God's things to God;
and give me what is mine."
Thomas 100"
i wonder what kind of answer my dad
will give me about that.
it doesn't come in handy for me that my dad is minister very often.
i usually don't have many questions in regards to the bible.
but i am very curious about this question and i hope my dad writes me back
something that makes sense.
usually i stump him, a bit, with my bible questions.
like i remember my 1st question about
the bible was "if god told you to sacrifice me, would you do it?"
because god put abraham (or some guy) through some weird "test"
where he asked him to sacrifice his only son and then right when the guy was
going to kill his son god said "hey, just testing to see if you love
me! you don't really have to kill him! nevermind!"
and i thought, well if that isn't just the most fuct up thing i have ever
read.
why would god ask someone to do that? why would god need to TEST anyone in
that way. he's GOD, he knows everything, right? so why test anyone if he already
knows the answer?
talk about a really fuct up and traumatic thing to do not only to a father
but to the poor child.
if i were that kid i would have run far far away from my dad after that and
NEVER came back.
seriously fuct.
anyway, my dad looked very uncomfortable
and just said "well, god, promised us he would never ask that again of
anyone" and so my dad was off the hook.
BUT.....would my dad sacrifice me to god if that is what god wanted?
i have to think the answer to that is no.
because it's too fuct up to think the answer could be yes.
i don't think my dad could ever tie me up with a rope and prepare to stab
me in the heart and then burn me as an offering to god.
the bible is one really twisted book.
i'm so torn between watching america's
next top model and secrets of the dead: the hunt for nazi scientists :)
i think i must go for ANTM because the other one repeats at 1am.
3:46pm
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i got a package in the mail today
from jae! thank jae!
what a wonderful cheerful surprise! it definitely lifted my spirits!
roasted pumpkin seeds, whole vanilla beans, 12 FABULOUS
gourds! (i will take pictures!)
vabilla soap and splash and lotion! (all that came in this cute little basket
which i also love :)
vanilla that is distilled in something and i don't know what that is exactly,
what is that, jae? the little bottle it looks like you made it?
and what looks to be some homemade wine of some sort?
this is wonderful!
i'm spraying the vanilla spary around my room and the vanilla pods are on
my desk and i'm eating pumpkin seeds and it finally feels fall "festive"
in here :)
all the gourds are on my windowsill and i have to watch the dogs because it
looks like they want to eat them :)
this is just really really wonderful. thank you!!!
yay!!!!!!!
it's little surprises like this that really list a person up and just make me feel special :)
i've just been doing normal stuff
so far today, email, friends list, getting all those pictures up for you...i
have to go in the thing room and do the anacam biz.
i should go outside it's totally gorgeous but i am really focused on getting
my taxes done so as soon as i eat more than these pumpkin seeds (yum!) and
finish the anacam bix i am going to tackle sorting through all the paper some
more that i have boxes and boxes of in the thing room.
and then ANTM is on and the LOST!
yay! and then i think a new CSI.
i really have to start crocheting again while i watch tv. that is when i used
to get it all done and now i don't.
this sure has not been a very crocheting year for me.
tomorrow when the light hits my windowsill
i am going to take some really cool pix of these gourds! they are so twisted
and bumpy and colourful. i love gourds so much!
i wrote up a STORM yesterday so today i am pretty written out.
so it's another "getting things done" day.
i discovered a new singer/musician:
antony and the johnsons
he was on david letterman last night and it remids me a lot of jeff buckley but with piano...although it's not really like jeff buckley but it's sad and tortured like jeff buckley.
2:58pm
more intriguing photos:
http://www.ana2.com/private/today/art2
1:47pm
great journal entry by whitley streiber:
http://www.unknowncountry.com/journal/
1:40pm
btripp's response to my paper dilemma and my response back:
btripp:
I "feel your pain" on the paper thing. As you can see here, my office is a mass of paper, and what's not stacked with paper are file boxes full of paper. One of my "on the to-do list" projects for YEARS has been sorting though boxes and boxes of stuff accumulated over the years. I have come to the understanding that there are certain aspects to low-level schizophrenia (not that I've ever been diagnosed as such) that makes it almost impossible to "filter" the needed from the disposable, which typically leads to keeping EVERYTHING except for the most obviously unnecessary things ... and I have dozens and dozens of boxes of PAPER which illustrates this.
One of MY "issues" is that my memory has never been good, and that I really NEED to have physical things to bring up recall of places/times, lacking the "thing" is like losing the key, without the physical item, the memory is essentially GONE ... so I'm always very paranoid about throwing ANYTHING away, because I'm never sure what catalog, program, flyer, post card, invoice, magazine, matchbook, ticket stub, etc., etc., etc., is the last key to a particular part of my past. On the flip side of this, I can often have nearly photographic recall of a hotel, meeting, meal, event, etc. given a physical clue that I've come to strongly associate with it.
I assume that one of these days I'll get myself into a "space" where I can adequately filter through all this stuff (and save The Girls from having to do it after my death), but I don't anticipate that being any time soon!
Anyway, wanted to know that I was relating to your paper issues!
ana
ya, i cannot relate to a lot of what you are saying!
do you sort of feel that without all your paper you might not exist, or you would exist less, or that in your death, you would not be "remembered"?
are you afraid you will disappear and that your existence here would be trivila if you did not have documented "proof" of your existence and that you were "here" and thought these thoughts and did these things and knew these people?
because i feel that way
sometimes.
and so i wonder if you do, too.
like i wonder what would
happen if i got rid of EVERYTHING that was of my mother. every card, letter,
picture...what that "erase her"?
would i start to forget what she looked like?
i did that with one past boyfriend i had who i hate so much i cannot even bear to say his name. but i keep coming up with little scraps of him here and there. like emails he wrote me on a floppy disc, etc. and i hope to someday rid myself of anything "him" in me or around me.
but my hate for him still exists in me, and so he is always "there".
and i think if i do not document everything i say or do i might not exist as much. and i think this is because i am the child of narcissistic parents and i live in a narcissistic society.
but SOMEDAY all traces
of "me" will be gone.
all the cds, paper, just anything i could have ever make will disistegrate.
and so the question is...how LONG is it important that *I* exist?
how lon CAN i exist?
i suppose this is why kings and queens had their likenesses carved in stone.
but even those are slowly being worn away and someday they will not exist.
there are some things
i have not documented that i wish i had.
but i am also starting to take a certain pleasure about NOT documenting somethings
and just being happy that they are "moments inside of me that only i
will know of from my perspective"
i also take comfort in my own personal belief that all time is now, and nothing is ever destroyed. everything that ever is IS, and it is ETERNALLY. so i believe everything i do , say and think is "permanantly recorded" in a state of ISness always.
and that "all that
information" is accessible to those who know how to access it or know
about it.
like a giant library.
i guess like the akashic records.
so..that has helped me a lot in beig able to let go of things.
also, i have no children and so have nothing to pass down to them.
right now i have a big fat notebook in front of me that is "the benz family from renchen, baden, germany and the usa from 1666 to 1996!
grace benz was my dad's second cousin twice removed, but she was like an aunt to me. and when she died i inherited this big fat book.
and man , it's so thorough. and i keep wanting to throw it away because i don't knwo ANY of these people in here yet i still feel this weird obligation to keep it.
like if i throw this away will these people "disappear?"
or have they already disappeared? or did they nEVER disappear?
should i read this book and THEN throw it away so that at LEAST i can have little bits of information about these people's lives IN me before i let go of this book?
or should i just let
go of it right now?
no strings attached.
how would all the dead people in this book feel about that?
if i organize and caorgorize
all my life into something like this book so that upon my death it exists
as testiment to the fact i was here. will it matter?
or will it just be this "book" that people feel burdened to keep
around?
i don't know...
it think and think and think about this.
1:00pm
things and conversations i wrote and had yesterday:
ana:
i have always found it interesting how we, humans, place more value and worth on something we deem "smart" than if we deem it "stupid".
things we decide are stupider than we are (and so we are "above" them) get less rights, we treat them less "humanely", and will probably eat it (or try to eat it).
bayarts: (bayarts link)
This is a very good point. And if you examine the different human cultures, it isn't just about who is "smart" verses who isn't smart...it is more about who is "like us". People choose belief systems for a reason. Republicans are republicans because they believe that this is the correct and proper way to be. Vegetarians are vegetarians for whatever reason and carnivores believe in what they do, too. I feel that the key to enlightenment is being able to step over the boundaries of these different belief systems and to embrace differences....not to the point of endangering yourself or anything like that...not to the point of making yourself crazy...but to reach into people's hearts and try to see beyond their outer appearances or their politics or whatever makes them tick. As much as we are all different, we are also all the same.
ana:
i agree. and i really strive to do this as best i can.
i think the biggest, life changing, moment for me on this (besides being harrassed in high school so much that i ended up dropping out) was when the guy busted in my house and put a knife to my throat and attempted to rape me.
it was then, i realized, with intense clarity, that there were amazing and incomprehensible differences between me and "some others". but basically the differences between men and women and what were the conditions that brought this man to the point of doing that to me.
and i have been trying to understand it ever since. but i don't think i am even close to understanding it yet.
maybe in a way, i don't
ever want to understand it because it's so painful and so evil and so twisted,
to put my mind into that frame of mind is utterly agonizing and crazy.
i'm so afraid of it.
all i know is that what
i felt from this man, as he was on the other side of the door, bashing a hole
through it...was just...the most concentrated and condensed form of "evil"
and "hate" i have ever experienced.
it was like a dark black void hell hole.
like a dark star of pure hate. it made darth vader look like like a really
nice guy.
i cannot even describe it because it just defies description. but i cannot
put enough emphasis on how much i felt this man wanted to OBLITERATE me.
this man, that i did not even know, he hated me so much, he wanted me not
to exist not even to the point of not existing anymore...but BEYOND the point
of not existing. like there was no WAY this man could have ever "obliterated"
me enough to his satisfaction. which is why then after he would be done with
me, he would go on to obliterate someone else.
i could just FEEL EVERYTHING
this man was feeling beyond any words can describe.
like he could have raped me, cut me into little pieces, taken the pieces and
hit them all flat with hammers, and then lit it all on fire, and this would
not have been enough for him.
and i know that is a bit more intense than republican vs democrat...or maybe even a belief system.
but...anyway, that really propelled me into knowing "differences" (to put it lightly).
and , i wish i could take that experience away from myself. because it really fuct me up and still causes me so much pain to this day.
but if hadn't been for that i would have never known "pure evil" and i would not have gone on this quest (at least this quest in how i do it) to try and understand everything from every perspective i possibly can. because i believe ALL these perspectives make up the whole and someday might lead me to understand why in the fuck did that man do that and feel that.
it's so weird how a total stranger that i don't even know his name or what he looks like (because he grabbed me from behind) can have such a profound impact on a person.
i wonder if i ever will meet him when i die and he will explain to me why he did that and apologize. i wonder if i will ever be able to have a feeling of compassion for him? sometimes i almost feel i could have compassion. just like it is very hard for me to have compassion for george bush.
but i really want to get there and i know it is possible.
but ya, these 2 people are the most not "like me" people and so...i have a hard time placing any value on them beyond just understanding WHY do they exist in the first place and how do we STOP them from existing in the 1st place?
which brings me rigt back to the guy wanting to obliterate me. now i want to obliterate back.. does this make me the same as him now?
did he plant a dark seed
in me?
an infectious virus?
he did. and it grows, and i try to give it as much light and love and compassion as i can. and prune it and try to understand it.
do i tend to it and care for it like a bonsai tree? or do i try to rip it out of me and kill it?
it's very confusing.
ok...so this subject is going on into other subjects. but since everything is connected, it's really hard for me not to talk about EVERYTHING and when ANY subject is brought up.
my brain is on overdrive today.
i should probably use
all this energy to go clean my house some more or go outside and go for a
walk.
bayarts:
I have a couple of comments to make about this...a few, really. First, I just want to offer you love and comfort and to say that I'm sorry you experienced what you did. I had a similar experience so I can relate, although these things do leave their individual footprints on our heads and in our hearts and what you experienced cannot be fully understand my anyone other than you. All I can do about it is to offer love and to offer compassion and to let you know that you matter and that I am deeply sorry for the horror and trauma of it all.
The next thing I want to say that this incident doesn't really address humankind as a whole, because it was anectotal, that is, it is a specific individual incident...so that's where i put in the disclaimer that we shouldn't reach out to others to our own detriment...if we endanger ourselves or lose our own peace of mind...
The last comment is that I don't feel that we can define any one human being by any one incident. Something that my mother always says is that, "Every murderer has a mother." The darkness that we see in some people cannot define what someone else will see in them. What that man did to you was a horrible and wrong ACT..but maybe he does some good in the world in some other context. Have you seen the movie, "Crash"? It approaches this problem. You see racism against blacks...and then you see the blacks exercise racism against Asians and then you see the Asians being racist toward someone else...but do these acts determine their individual worth? No...because if it did, then there wouldn't be anything wrong with the racism since the people in those groups would be worthless anyway. See what I mean? Even the darkest heart probably has some good in there. Seeking that good (up to a point) is what I strive toward...but sometimes I fail...Sometimes I screw up in a major, major way.
ana:
thank you for your compassion :)
i have not seen crash but really want to. oprah was just talking about it a few days ago and it was very interesting.
i do understand that there are light and dark in everyone. and that no one is solely good or solely evil and they cannot be defined by one act.
hitler was a very loveable person to his family, for example.
and i'm sure the people who dropped the bomb on hiroshima had a lot of wonderful things about them.
the act of what that man did to me kind of does and also does not address humankind as a whole.
i mean, of course i see how not everyone on the planet had something directly to do with this man.
however, his act was seeded, sprouted, and cultivated by his environment and also by his free will (which is most important..because ultimately, HE is the driving force behind himself and his acts. it was his choice to take the path he did).
would it be that rape were this weird anomaly of the universe which only happens by freak accident on earth every once in a few hundred years or so. or maybe even one rape per year. then i would be able to pass this off as just some freak thing that doesn't have a LOT to do with humankind as a whole.
but the fact that it happens every few seconds all over this planet, every day, every year, in all countries, in all races, cultures and religions and times and societies...and how i see women being oppressed in the multitide of ways in every single country, religion, culture, society, time, etc...
this makes me go hmmmm! i think there is something in humankind, at a very basic level, that is really really really flawed and needs to be acknowledgeed, understood as fixed ASAP.
and since i still experience this oppression almost hourly, if not minutely, personally, it would be a lot easier for me to let go of trying to understand and solve this problem.
but i also realize i will probably die never having solved it or understanding it even. but i am still driven to try.
at least for now.
but your sentence here:
" we shouldn't reach out to others to our own detriment...if we endanger
ourselves or lose our own peace of mind..."
is totally right on.
and i do need to rememeber
that and always bring myself back from the brink.
which is why i needed to make those last few posts about taking the blame
off me, the consumer (even if that swing too much in the other direction)
in the order for me to balance things out in my head and not cause myself
to suffer and do harm to myself, i needed to find a balance.
i tend to go to extremes on almost everythign. so i swing wayyyyyyyy over that way and then to balance it out i swing wayyyyyyy over the other way. and then afterwhile, it all gels and balances off and evens itself out so that i do not cause detriment to myself.
so thank you for that sentence and reminding me of that :)
btw, just out of curiousity,
what good do you see in george bush?
because i look and look and look at him on tv and i TRY to see it, but i seriously
can't.
i mean, it's weird. i actually can see more good in saddam hussein. i can look into saddam's eyes and i can see some good in there.
but with george bush
it's almost like he isn't even a human. it's like he is this empty shell,
a void, a robot.
there is just NOTHING there.
nothing that i can see anyway, which doesn't mean there ISN'T anything there. he is just vibrating at a frequency (for lack of a better term) that is beyond my capabilities of seeing or hearing or feeling.
like i would need some special UV glasses to see the good in him or something.
do you know what i mean?
so i am just womdering
if you have ever seen good in him, for real.
not the empty voidless smiles, waves, or hugs handshakes and kissing babies.
just...something real. i can't see it.
i think he might be about the most disturbing person i have ever witnessed.
like i think i could
understand hitler or ed gein before i could understand george bush.
bayarts:
That was a very well-thought-out, cogent response. Thank you for that insight and for a peek into what that incident did to you. I feel honored that you would reveal these feelings here and allow me to read them. That took courage.
I am quite interested in the subject of rape and why it happens. I have agonized over this for years and have studied it with ferocity! I was fascinated to learn that humans are not the only species that rape...that men are not the only sex that rapes and that there is some pretty convincing evidence that in some cases, violence begins at conception or, according to some scientists, even before (Scientific American did a piece on this in the late 90's. If I can dig it up, I'll send it to you.). There are so many different theories about all this that it boggles the mind, and I can't comprehend it all. I can't take it all in and I can't begin to think I know even a fraction of what it is, what causes it, why it hasn't been obliterated. I continue to read with fascination and to wonder what its place is in the universe and why, on earth, it happens....but it does. Bad things happen and they are a part of the big picture...and balance IS the key...balance IS the answer...so you are on the right track there, I think. At this point, more bad things happen than good things, so we struggle against the evil and try to see the good and restore the good as best we can...but it IS such a struggle. Isn't it?!
As for Bush....I think the reason that we don't see anything there is because
he doesn't show us anything. He is a sock puppet who doesn't even know himself,
let alone know how to emit the kinds of signals that allow others to have
a peek into who he is. I see a facade. I do not know what lies behind the
mask, nor am I even interested, at this point. Know what I mean?
ana:
yes, if you can find the article about violence starting at oppression please do fwd it to me!
i do know that women rape, too, but for now i am more focused on why men do. but why a woman would do it is just as evil and confounding. but it's MORE odd to me that mostly only men do it. that, to me, is just really really perplexing.
what other species rapes? i didn't know about this. apes or something?
it is a struggle! gah! thanks for being here with me and making me feel less alone, it helps :)
about bush..
yes, he doesn't show anything.
but IS it because he chooses not to show us anything, because there just is
NOTHING there to show, or because he doesn't know HOW to show us anything?
or maybe all of the above.
if it's actually a choice for him not to show anything, i don't know if i have ever seen a person that GOOD at NOT showing ANYTHING. do you know what i mean?
i mean, wouldn't you
think there would be just a tiny fraction of a second where some good would
"shine through" by "accident"?
but rather i see the opposite in him, i see the "evilness" show
through "by accident instead.
which just makes me go WTF?
i mean martha stewart
and donald trump have a facade, too. martha stewart's is AMAZING for how much
she can keep that up. it's frightening and astonishing and i am amazed by
it. i am completely fascinated by her and her facade. but i do not think she
is evil or anything. i just feel kind of sorry for her but at the same time
i have a weird respect for her. it complicated. but i just think "wow,
the ENERGY she puts into that facade is INTENSE!" she is a power to behold.
but with her i can TELL it's a facade, do you know what i mean? i can see
something else in her. i know there is a human underneath it all.
with george bush...i
get a feeling there is NOTHING behind the facade.
seriously absolutely nothing.
it's not like he is choosing not to show anything. since you're right, i don't
think he knows himself well enough to even choose that. he doesn't know himself
at all. is there anything to know?
(btw, i do not expect you to reply to any of this! i am just one verbalization mode 11 today)
...
i'm sorry if this is
boring to you. you did say you were not interested.
and i can completely understand not wanting to spend one speck of time pondering
georeg bush's psychological make up!.
so...i guess i am just typing this out for anyone else who might read this
and want to comment on george bush...
i can't help but be utterly
fascinatd and appalld and nauseauted by him. i try and switch off the tv whenever
he comes on. and i try to not put in a TON of effort pondering him...but still...i
just have never ever witnessed a person like him before.
i'm sure there must be more of them, just not in positions where they are
on tv so i don't get to witness it.
and he goes beyond "not having a conscience" like a sociopath or a serial killer or something.
he frightens the living fuck out of me.
i really wish i could
duct tape him to a chair and just study him for a good long while. (i know
that is completely horrible of me). but i just want to see him without all
the lights and the entourage and cameras.
i want to just have it be he and i in a room staring at each other. and i
want to ask him questions.
i want to understand how he is how he is. i can't comprehend it.
now i've been staring at my keyboard for a long time trying to put into words my thoughts about him. it's really hard for me to find the words to describe my feeings about him and what i see or rather do not see...and what this "means" for everyone he comes into contact with and all his decisions he makes in his life.
i wonder...can he see
how evil he is?
or does he just not CARE he is that evil?
or does he really think he is a good person, for real?
what on earth is his
thought process?
and how can he keep it up?
does he EVER break down and cry?
do questions like this EVER go through his head?
is he maybe even posessed by some other entity? (i mean i'm trying to think of all possible explanations no matter how bizarre).
i don't mean to sound all weird and "voodoo' but it really is like he is possessed by a demon maybe or something. and whoever "george bush" was..if ever there was a george bush...has gone...left. died. i don't know. and something else has taken his place inside...yes, like a sock puppet.
and if that is the case, how and why did this happen? and why is it that so many people can't see this?
how did he make it into
power. why did he? how can he stay in power? obviosuly he has no power at
all, but then what is the power behind him?
what's going on? what are the inner workings of this?
and if everything is
meant to be as it is...why is this happening?
and i cannot help but think about this. brcause it's just so INTENSE to me.
so perplexing, confounding, BIZARRE.
like some sort of horrible
nightmare.
like i am in the "evil universe" and how and why did i get here?
and is there anything i can do about it?
it's just weird is all.
it's all really damn weird.
bayarts:
I didn't intend to imply that this discussion is boring to me. I just see Dubya as this vacuous nobody. It doesn't matter who he is. He is just a puppet. Martha Stewart, yes, she puts up a facade..but then, she doesn't send thousands of troops overseas to murder thousands more innocent people...so I can look at her facade and know that it is there, probably, because she is a private person and know that Bush's is there because he is motivated by greed and evil. I guess...I don't know.
dark sitha (responding to the thing i said at the top):
Intelligence certainly doesn't correlate with success...
I'm thinking of flies... or Bush. Higher/lower life forms, same result.
ana:
i wasn't speaking of success but rather of value.
i try not to think in terms of higher or lower life forms, because i believe all life to be equally miraculous and sacred.
however i still do use the terms "high" and "low" because it is so ingrained in me and also the words for what i need to describe either do not exist (yet) or i haven't found them yet.
i think i may have to invent some new words.
bayarts (responding to this
link:
http://www.budgieresearch.homestead.com/
which started this entire discussion)
Perhaps this explains a little better why I don't kill nor eat animals?
ana:
i completely understand why you don't kill or eat animals. that has never been something i didn't understand :) i TOTALLY understand.
i just really believe that plants are intelligent and can feel, too. so this is quite a quandry for me.
bayarts:
Ok....Let me put it another way. I don't eat beings that have a central nervous system. ;-)
ana:
i know :) we've talked
about this before :)
(and it's fine we talk about it again)
i just don't believe that having a central nervous system is the only way a being can feel, know, communicate, or understand.
if i became a vegetarian
again, it would be "just in case what if i'm wrong and to err on the
side of caution" (but i really don't think i am wrong, but i wish i was
because then life would be less complex for me and the choices i make eating).
i mean i CRINGE and sometimes alsmost cry when i have to boil vegetables or
even cut off the stems of flowers and put them in water. or when i see people
mow their lawns...
i "hear" the grass screaming.
it's just all so much and overload and very confusing for me.
and like TREES, are VERY smart and aware.
it's all remarkable to me. i just cannot place more importance upon a trout
than i can spinach. they are both miraculous and alive and both are worthy
of living and both have a will to live as strong as my own, i believe.
and i don't think one is more smart and aware than the other. and even if
one WERE more smart and aware who am i to place less importance on the spinach?
it's something i think about and contemplate everyday.
so, what i've decided so far, is just to make the best choices i can, and the best i can do (so far) is just to give thanks for my food, acknowledge that it gave it's life for me, and that i may become the food for other things when i die (or am killed by some predatpr) and not to be wasteful with food. and just respect it and honour it and be thankful and acknowledge the cycle of life and how all things are interconnected.
i have thought about becoming a fruitarian and i have really researched that and contemplated it. because fruit seems to be the one thing on this planet that WANTS (at least was designed to be and it's survival depends on it's seeds being scattered).
but i'm not really sold on that idea yet because, well, it's a lot to get into and i'm still waking up here...
:)
bayarts:
Hey, I don't, by any means, intend to inflict my belief system upon anyone else...nor do I look down my nose at people who don't share my resolve to not eat animals. These are individual choices that we must all arrive at in our own time...or not. So I don't knock you (nor anyone else) for eating meat...and I just want to make that clear. I woke up one day with an awareness about it that effected me very, very deeply and I knew that from that day forward, I would never intentionally put meat in my mouth again. That is when it changed from being a sacrifice to being the "right thing" according to my own belief system, so it became very simple for me from then on.
My own beliefs hold that I do
acknowledge that plants have the ability to react to an outside stimulus such
as being watered or following the sun, but I also believe that a simple response
to an outside stimulus does not, in and of itself, indicate the ability to
feel pain. An electric light can also respond to an outside stimulus. It detects
the current of electricity that a human being sends to it and it responds
by lighting up. This does not imply that the light bulb is conscious. Similarly,
the ability of plants to perk up or to move their leaves to follow the sun
does not, in and of itself, indicate consciousness....and even if it turned
out that plants could feel pain, I still feel that the most humane thing to
do would be (for me) to become a vegetarian simply because slaughter animals
are fed a plant-based diet and my being a vegetarian would contribute to their
being fewer plant deaths than if I ate meat.
ana:
i don't feel inflicted upon :)
have you ever read the experiments cleve backster has done with plants?
here is one article:
http://www.inq7.net/lif/2003/jun/24/lif_22-1.htm
there are a lot more,
but that was the 1st one that came up when i googled.
it's short and easy to read, but pretty much sums it up and brings up a lot
of questions for me.
bayarts:
Yes, I am familiar with Cleve B's work and find it very interesting. I really admire him for conducting these experiments because there are a lot of people out here...the two of us included, who wonder about these things. I digress, however, when it comes to anthropomorphizing the plant's reactions to stimuli. Plants are *not* human, and using human reactions as a basis for comparison sort of kills the study for me and sheds an unrealistic light on it. I do not deny for a minute that plants react to stimuli. They do, and this has been proven over and over...but as i pointed out before, so do doorbells, electric light bulbs and cars. This is not conclusive proof (at least to me) that the reactions are emotional ones.
ana:
i don't really understand the reasoning behind saying plants are not human and so therefore using our understanding of ourselves cannot help us to understand plants. why is it an impossible thought for you that plants could not have humanlike emotions just because they are plants?
maybe feelings aren't "human" , maybe they are universal. maybe we could even say that we are the ones who are like plants because we feel and think like THEY do. i mean, plants were here before we were, weren't they? so maybe we are the ones who are plantlike and not the other way around. maybe it doesn't really make any difference which way you look at it, forwards or backwards...since each is the same.
didn't we all evolve from the same "stuff"? the macrocosm is the microcosm and as above so below and all that?
but this is my belief system based on my experience and gut feelings and instincts. (which isn't scientific, i know, but science is not the be all or end all for me)
i think there is one
universal "consciousness" that courses through everything and IS
everything.
and there is no beginning or end to this. i think feelings and consciousness
is in all "matter" and everything, including doorbells, cars and
lightbulbs, make up "god"/"the universe"
but hey , i could be
way off.
this is just my understanding of it today. i am always constantly growing,
changing and evolving and trying to understand more and more, as much as i
possibly can.
thank you for listening
to me :)
and thank you for your imput and side of things as well :) i really understand
what you are saying (except for just the one part where you say the plants
can't be humanlike, and i urge you, for the sake of curiousity if nothing
else, to explore the POSSIBILITY that we are the ones like plants instead.
because if nothing else, it's an interesting concept and one that i think
should be considered for the sake of considering all sides and posibilities)
i am glad you are so
aware and take so many things into consideration :)
you are a light :)
bayarts:
Thank you...and I do consider things...I don't just arrive at a conclusion and then close the doors forever. How dumb would that be? :-)
I, too, believe in the universal consciousness concept....but without anthropomorphisinz inanimate objects. I understand where you're coming from on this. However, I think it is presumptuous to believe that we, as humans, are the gauge and basis for comparison for all life forms. Like you said, who is to say that WE don't emulate plants? A response to stimuli in a human might merely mean that a plant (or other organism without a central nervous system) might be reacting in a totally different way. We simply don't know for sure, and I've not been convinced that we humans are the end-all and be-all of the universe.
A tear from a baby who communicates having a poopy diaper via tears is not necessarily the same communication device as a tear from an adult who has experienced the death of a loved one. See what I mean? They are both crying, but the crying means two different things. A plant may move or emit a sound or wilt or whatever, in response to certain criterion, but why does that necessarily mean that those are the same responses as experienced by humans? They *aren't* humans. They are plants. It's like those people who gauge everything according to how it effects them personally rather than by the overall scheme of things. Plant responses might mean something else entirely. ...or they might not. I don't even pretend to know for sure, but it just makes sense to me that they are different for a number of different reasons. I am not convinced by C.B's research because he makes the assumption that it IS the same without offering any substantiation for that.
ana:
yes, i understand what
you are saying that something could appear cry or appear to cry...but the
reason behind these things could be very very different. i understand what
you are saying that humans think they are the see all and be all of stuff
and we should stop thinking that way. and i'm glad you see then my saying
we could think instead of us being like plants instead of we being like them.
we are not the center of the universe.
but at the same time we are the center and also there is no center. that doesn't
make any sense but for some reason, either to my detriment or my downfall,
i am able to hold ideas and thoughts in my head hat seemingly oppose each
other and make them one.
i am totally open to
the idea that plants could be SEEMING to "act like us" (or us like
them) and so we put a meaning to that because of what WE experience.
a lot of people use that same argument with animals and say we are just projecting
our human feelings upon them. just because they act like us does not mean
they are like us at all.
*I* choose to believe
my dogs feel like i do. because all the evidence in my experience points to
this. and i feel we have a "connection"
however, i'll never be able to prove this. it might all be in my head and
one big projection upon them.
but i don't think so.
we think that if anything acts like us then it is LIKE us. and that is a very narcissistic viewpoint and it could be WAY off...absolutely.
we will never know what it is like to be a plant really (not until we are a plant) so yes, we can never be sure.
i will never know for 100% positively certain, no doubts whatsoever that plants feel like i do or i feel like plants do.
it would be illogical
for me to think i could ever know that for certain.
although logic does have it's downfalls :)
i guess for ME, what
i decided to do with the information that plants were seemingly "act
like us", is just to err on the side of caution. since there is no evidence
that supports that plants DON'T feel like us...and i see evidence that points
in the direction that they may indeed DO...
i choose to believe they do.
i guess it's like the evidence about whether or not "god exists". someone may say "there is no evidence that god exists", and that is true, but one could also say "there is no evidence that god does NOT exist"..and that is true also.
it would be nice to have some definite anwsers to these questions.
ana(responding more to something more up there):
oh, and another reason
i would become a vegetarian or something like that is because i am really
against how cruel they treat the farm animals. i think that is just digusting.
and so i am trying to learn if free range is really "free range"
or what that entails.
also, plants are treated very nasty too, being sprayed with so many chemicals and such.
i hear the government is trying to get the word "organic" more expanded so that "organic" doesn't really mean "organic" anymore. argh.
also, another reason i contemplate is maybe eating things lower on the food chain are better for the planet. for instance, it takes so many pounds of corn to feed a cow.
but...i am not entirely understanding or convinced on the economics of that.
but i eat less salmon and tuna now (which are meat eaters) and i eat more herring and sardines. and also mussels and clams and oysters (as long as they are not harvested by dragging a big thing on the ground and wrecking the ocean floor) because they are not meat eaters. and they filter the water.
but one thing i have noticed that kind of disturbs me is that me dogs will NOT eat mussels, oysters, or clams...and i wonder what that is about. but they sniff those things and treat them as if it were almost poison.
it's all so much to take in. but i'm trying.
bayarts:
There is a system at work that involves consumerism and economics. This is why I have referred you in the past to people such as Howard Lymann, Dr. Michael Greger and Dr. John Mc Dougall because all of these people have worked on BOTH sides of the fence and they realize what is going on with regard to how the feds tell us what is good for us and what is not. When it is more economically feasible for the US Government to produce say...rice...then suddenly, rice becomes "more nutritious" and the "recommended daily allowance" for the vitamins that are in rice or whatever crop is bringing in more money at the moment, changes to say that we as consumers need more of that nutrient. Dr. Mc Dougall acutally worked on the board that determines these things, so I believe him and am a real follower of the anti-consumer based nutritional school. They ARE trying to lower standards of what organic means so that more pesticides and so forth will be allowed in food. It sucks. My own eating habits entail buying locally grown, organic produce and staying away from as many highly processed foods as possible. I even make my own soft drinks! :-) (Organic juice in the bottom of a glass topped with organic soda) I hope you will watch some of the streaming videos on Michael Greger's page that I have sent to you...and I can send you Howard Lymann's book, if you want it, that proves that mad cow disease DOES occur in this country but is being covered up by the beef industry. (He worked on that industry for many years.)
nihilistech:
Does it help at all to know that living and dying, and even dying for another
being to continue, has always been part of the cycle of life? In nature, that's
all that happens. Beings eat other beings. Beings also help and shelter and
protect each other. But part of what they do is eat each other.
And we, being human, are no better than the rest of them (except we're lucky
to mostly not get eaten until well after we're dead.)
Maybe give thanks and recognition for each life that gets transformed by the death of a spinach leaf, or a flower even; not to mention the animals.
bayarts:
Ok...here's my very respectful take on this stance. If we were animals in the wild, I might feel differently about all this...but there is this huge human-induced imbalance. We don't hunt and kill animals for our food. We breed animals, keep them locked up in pens, feed them and then lead them to slaughter. We are destroying the earth with these habits...not only about food, but about everything...and it all leads back to consumerism. The ideas expressed by nihilistech are pure ideas...they are basic and "right" ones in a way...but I feel that in order to apply them, the playing field must be fair and even...and it isn't. Not even close.
ana:
i agree. the "playing field" is WAY off balance beyond ridiculousness. by trying to "save" ourselves from predators, we are ironically dooming ourselves (and many other things) into instinction.
i had a dream about it
the other night and wrote about it in the latter 1/2 of this post:
http://www.livejournal.com/users/ana/1643041.html
+++
Horoscope for Aries (October 19 2005)
Things should be getting pretty hectic at work. New developments appear to be better than you first thought. Your go-to-it attitude will win respect as well as bring you a handsome payoff.
and
Deviation
This influence signifies a day when you will make new discoveries, encounter
new people and generally have a sense of excitement and interest. And you
won't have to go out of your way to experience these effects, for your immediate
environment will present all the interest you need. If you find this day disruptive,
examine your attitudes and ask yourself if you are being too rigid. Rigidity
and unwillingness to allow anything to deviate from a prescribed plan will
make this influence more difficult to handle. This is a good day to tackle
old problems that you have not been able to resolve in the past. In your communications
with others, startling new ideas will come up. All around you, new aspects
of life will be opened up for you to experience.
and
You could start the day with an abundance of excitement, only to settle into a low level depression as the adrenaline rush dissipates. Part of your problem may stem from your desire for immediate gratification, but circumstances are requiring you to move more slowly. Do your best to settle into the pace with the understanding that your life will speed up by tomorrow.
and
ARIES (March 21-April 19): "Honey,
This Mirror Isn't Big Enough for the
Two of Us," is the title of a song by the band My Chemical Romance. If
you'd like to place yourself in alignment with cosmic rhythms, you
should say the exact opposite of that to someone you care
about--something like this: "Honey, this mirror *is* big enough for the
two of us, and I want us to gaze into it together." In other words,
enlist a loved one to join you in taking an inventory of your
relationship. Study how you fit together, and brainstorm about how you
can make your connection work even better.
and
Wednesday during the day the Mars
energy is around sizzling, we have the path and now we're gonna' walk it.
Better than being pushed, tripping and falling into it. When the moon slips
into Gemini in the evening then we're gonna' talk about it. A great exercise
for the chatty Gemini moon is just to listen. Gemini is about communication
and often we forget that absorbing communication is what we do all day, from
people, media's and most underrated, nature. All the way through the end of
the week the antennae are up.