october 17th , 2005
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10:41pm

thank you all for sticking by me right now.
really i need that. i truly do. right now especially.
thank you VERY much from the bottom of my heart.
you make a difference in my life.
i am like a bank. you may not see what you put in have results right away....(does that sentence structure make sense?)
but you will definitely be happy that you put a little energy my way because i will always give it back you tenfold.
i hope you know that!
g'nite!

thank you!

10:28pm

time to zone and sleep.
i accomplished a lot today.

8:41pm

paper!
ohmigod, my life flashes before my eyes going through it.
i wish someone was here to witness it but at the same time i am so glad none of you are.
all the thoughts that go through my mind as i touch each letter, bill, receipt, piece of mail i receive.
all the stories it holds. boring boring boring ass stories as long as the earth is wide.
beautiful delicate little stories as thin as a buffalo hair but as strong as the wind...
all gone but all still here..
winding and twirling down the garbage chute, dancing and prancing ready to be filed to go to the big bad INTERNAL REVENUE SERVICE. i mean, just let those three words resonate with you and the ridiculousness of that.
it's all such a fucking joke yet i spend my days in fear of it.
how fucking silly.
tiny pieces of paper with symbols stamped on them..i bought a coke, i bought a hat, i bought some medicine, i bought a comb, a bought a book, i was billed such and such for this and that hospital for my insanity.
and for $1,500 they said i was "ok" and gave me a banana (for real) and then let me back into the jungle.
what a fucking joke. i'm glad i can be this "lighthearted" about it now.
it doesn't sound like i am, but believe me i am SO MUCH MORE lighthearted about this than i was.
you have no idea.
i have spared you THAT.


in ten minutes i am going to watch CSI miami and then go to bed.

7:40pm

paper paper paper!
god, i have so much to say about it...but really, who cares?
oh ha, here comes the steamboat up the mississippi whistling a very out of tune psycho clown-from-hell "dixieland".
so appropriate.
some day i am going to record it for you.

6:55pm

paper paper paper!
so much paper!
so much all the paper says!
too much!
it comes at me from all angles.
i feel so fucking guilty going through all this paper and all the things people have written me and i don't write back.
but i hold on to it for YEARS hoping that SOMEDAY i will write back the letter of all letters to these sweet sweet people.
god, i suck at writing letters.

running into shit my mom sent. xmas cards. blah blah bah you are the best daughter in the world and i love you so blahditty fucking blah.

i hate going through my paper.

i still have my mom's letters in a "save" pile.
fuck.

 

5:42pm

took a bath, got outside and bought some tv dinners and cokes.
jason is still gone...he went to buy running shoes and one of those watch things where you time yourself.
i nuked a tv dinner and the sun is going down now. the days are getting so short now.
the dogs are spazzing out and twirling in circles. maybe they can feel all the energy i freed up in here by getting rid of so much?
you really can't tell much but a lot of it was tucked away underneath and behind things and in closets.
jason is home now....
i am going to tackle my taxes! yes for real!
i will NOT have that weight on me any longer!
ALL of this will be OVER by the end of this year.
i can see myself toasting to this on new years eve.
i see it, i feel, i know it.
i am moving old energy out of my life. i am getting myself prepared for new happy exciting joyous free yummy delicious energy which will pour down on me from all angles. yes, it will!
because that is what i want.
this message was brought to you by prozac! thanks prozac (tm)! ha :)
(it's actually unfair of me not to give ME a LOT of credit, as well)
yes, i know i said i was going to go off, but that made me feel worse so i doubled my dose to the ordinary 20 mg a day instead of the 10 i was on and that seemed to do the trick after a few days.
so ya, i have to call my doctor and let him know so he can adjust my prescription.
i'm just really glad i seem to have made it out of the very deep darky murky suicidal waters i was in and i seem to have come out the other side a bit now and i'm moving up now and getting things done instead of letting it all spiral down on me.
and i am really looking forward to getting all this "lower" work done like taxes and getting rid of stuff so i can be free to focus my energy on writing and recording a new record.
that is really all i want to do.
but 1st i must tend to the earthly duties of house, home, body, and taxes.

3:54pm

i am starting to run out of steam. probably mostly because i have not really eaten much today.
i got rid of SO much, but my apartment is like an everlasting gobstopper of stuff.
it FEELS like i made a dent, but i'm not really sure it looks like i did, and i don't know how that can be because i hauled SO much stuff out of here today.
i even got rid of all my old hair extensions, which was really hard to do.
but sonia's gone and keeping them around isn't going to make her come back :(
fuck.
getting rid of stuff is hard.
but i did good today.
i think i will take a bath, go buy some cokes, and then see if i can manage a bit more.
i was looking through some box and it was just cds and floppy disks to things i don't even know what they are for.
drivers for this and drivers for that.
and i have a big box of old cams i say i might need again someday but will i?
i think i may need ONE, if any of them even run on windows xp....
because both of my cams right now are dying and both need to be brought in to the shop AGAIN, and so i should try to hook up ONE of those logitech cams to keep me going while the others get fixed.
and then i really should just throw the rest away.
i cannot believe how much stuff i have. it is seriously amazing how much i am able to pack into a small space.

i'm trying not to feel depressed by how little it looks as if i am impacted the thing room.
because i KNOW i hauled ass outta there today.

just...i will just keep going. everyday i will get rid of something.
i am not going to stop until i have gotten rid of 1/2 the stuff in there.
and this will happen before 2006.
oh YES it WILL.

2:26pm

got rid of more sheets my mom gave me.
and some sheets i just hate.
got rid of some clothing i will never wear and isn't all that special.
got rid of broken xmas tree lights.
got rid of a pair of mannequins legs (i had been pondering and agonizing over that for a year...i have more mannequin legs and arms to get rid of. i am keeping their torsos.

i found my d.a.v.i.d! (digital audio visual integration device....a sound and light machine that helps you meditate)
oh no wait...scratch that..it's just the eyepiece that i found a year ago and not the actual machine...THAT is still missing. fuck where'd it go? i haven't seen it for years and i paid 500 bucks for it!
i have been looking for that for almost forever!
in the box is also a bunch of camera paraphenelia that who knows what it all goes to.
i will probably get rid of a lot of it (i hope)
but ya, kick ass :) found my walkman that plays cassettes in there, too!

ok, must get rid of more things.
go me go!

1:39pm

i did it. i threw all the shit away about my mom!
right down the garbage chute!
it didn't even hurt (much).
halle-fucken-luia!
i am free of it!
i will never have to look at that ever again.

i think tonight is a lunar eclipse.
is that true?

oh funny as soon as i said that i got this email:

Hey star beings..
And that's science not woo woo new age talk.. It's a fact they say
that we are made of stars. Now what are we going to do with it?
Starry Eyed is up for the week, click: http://itsALLlove.com and
hit 'starry eyed'. This is a great week to get after those dangling
projects, relationships and junk drawers that have needed some
directed attention. When we really know what we want the decision
is easy, it's the action that takes some determination..
beyond good or bad..
itsALLlove,
stephen

and then i went there and the 1st part of it says:

The week starts with a full moon, a lunar eclipse too. It's the back end of a cycle that started with the new moon and Solar eclipse on the 3rd. It's the double kiss of a sweet goodbye, the other cheek slapped or the heavy thump of the second shoe hitting the floor-it's up to us and our issues. Like it or not the larger group issues are played out all the way down to our personal scenarios.

All waning full moons digest what came up in the waxing cycle and compost it and prepare it for the next new moon. Basically what pisses us off can teach us and our wounds offer up healing. Monday has the moon slipping by Jupiter so some of that weekend blast is still with us. It's a lot of frenetic energy, starting and stopping. We can take what the moon left us and expand on it no matter how stark the outlook. This is a powerful waning moon to change some habits and clear the air in stagnant relationships. In the evening it calms down and we can see it all in more linear, easy to grasp vision.

rock :)

today when jason gets home he is going to start on his very 1st ever jogging adventure. he bought this book 13 weeks to jog or something.
and it's a 13 week course that helps you jog in a good way.
i might join him if i have the energy after clearing all this stuff out of my house.

1:09pm

i'm making real progress getting rid of stuff.
i got rid of blankets, yarn, videocassettes, floppy disks, 2 new years hats, 2 pairs of faerie wings, the giant somberero i used in many of my cam shoots....
i thought people would like them for halloween costumes.
i packed everything nicely with tages and stuck them by the trash...
and then sadly (or maybe happily because they wanted them?) i saw 2 cleaning ladies take all of it and i don't knwo if they are just going to haul it down to the main trash or if they are keeping it for themselves. i surely hope it is the latter because it freaking kills me to get rid of stuff and think it's not going to a good home but instead just to the trash.

but fuck i have just got to LET GO of this stuff and get it out of my house and what happens to it after that is just "god's will" (for lack of a better term), i guess.
yes, i could ebay it. i could give it to the salvation army...
but once i get on a "i need to get rid of stuff kick", i just have to get rid of it then and there and where it ends up i just don't know.

i have tooooo lettttt gooooooo offff itttttttt.

i've got more to haul out. i really hope i can just go for it today and really get rid of stuff. i want to be FREE of it.
i need t be free of it and get my life unclogged so i can make way for new things in my life that are USEFUL to me.

i got rid of the hello kitty slippers my mom gave me because they were broken. :/ i probably could have fixed them but c'est la vie.

i got rid of 2 shoe racks that were still in the box and never even opened. and a gigantic jar of pickled pigs lips (gag gift that was given to a friend that i then took and was going to do SOMETHING with....god knows what.)

i think next i am going to throw away ALL that paper i printed out of all my mom's emails to me that i printed out to show the court. but i never printed out my emails to her..i was then going to put that all in order so you could see the conversations that went on and then give this to my dad to PROVE to him that my mom has done horrible things to me and i am not crazy.
but fuck that.
i just don't have time for shit like that anymore.
if my dad wants to think my mom is all fine and dandy and i am just making shit up or exaggerating things or whatever the fuck he thinks, whatever!
i am letting myself of the hook of having to prove to him diddly squat.
that is not my job anymore as of right now.

and i might get rid of the white box that i put the stuff in my mom gave me, because i know it's in there and just knwoing it's in there stresses me out. and that is ridiculous.. it's just STUFF, it's not HER. it's just a symbol. i can let it go. i can throw it down the garbage chute. it's just stuff. that is all it is. just let it go...
let it go.............

goodbye 2005 you piece of shit year.
i am done with you NOW.

11:45pm

today i am really going to try to get rid of more stuff from my house.
just somehow....
there are 3 things i wanted to do this year (besides make an album, make a book about crochet, and a whole bunch of other books i want to write including one about anacam...but ....this was the year of derailment)
1. get rid of 1/2 of everything in the thing room
2. get to 100 pounds (i think i am at 106 now?)
3. do my fuckng taxes!

and i am going to try with all my might to do those 3 before this year ends, godammit.
when i toast in the new year and say goodbye to this stupid ass year of 2005.
i want to look back and say i did more than just get a restraining order on my mother.
i want to get rid of ALL my biggest burdens.
and that is that.

 

+++

A turning point
Valid during several days: This can be and usually is a very positive time. But you can make more or less out of it, depending upon how you handle it. In most ways it represents a period of culmination in your life, and you will be tempted to expand beyond any reasonable limit. There is no question that you have a good chance for success in any one of a number of endeavors at this time and, within reason, you should pursue them. However, you should not restrict yourself solely to material and physical growth now. Even if you don't have all the material goods that you want, you should turn your attention to spiritual and inner needs. Ultimately, nothing satisfies like satisfaction. Objects that you acquire, possessions, money, and even social prestige are merely devices to make you feel that you have satisfaction. They are not the state of satisfaction itself. It is your inner difficulties that make your life less than it could be, even if you have corresponding problems in the material world. You must look for the solutions within yourself, and this time represents a turning point, where you should begin to look for the answers.
Under this influence, the tendency is to go after everything that you want in the material world without caring especially about whoever is in your way, to gather as much stuff as you can and indulge yourself in what you want. Then, as the influence subsides, you may feel that this effort has failed, leaving your life as empty as it was before.

Do not be arrogant toward others or assume that you have everything right. Through meaningful encounters with others, especially intimate one-to- one encounters, you can find out which way you should go at this time. Work with another person and think in terms of mutual growth. By trying to achieve goals set by both of you and by trying to be a twosome, you each will become more conscious of what you are as an individual. If you can recognize the real meaning of this influence in terms of your own life, this can be an extremely productive and growth-oriented time, a period that will always have meaning for you.

The interpretation above is for your transit selected for today:
Jupiter Opposition Sun exact at 19:49
activity period from 13 October 2005 to 22 October 2005.

and

Your weekend may have been active enough that it feels good to settle back into work -- assuming Monday is the beginning of your work week. Even if it is not, there still can be a sense of quiet power that surrounds you as you find a pace that you can keep up all day. You don't need to stand on your desk and shout; others will see that you are onto something. Just remember to keep the energy moving forward.