october 14th , 2005
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my family :)

7:55pm

got my computer back working. it fritzed out on me today and that was kind of scary.
the floppy drive broke and then the cd part wasn't working and then it shut itself off again and sounded like it shorted out and when i turned it back on it was making a weird noise which jason dicerned was the floppy drive so he disconnected it. and now my cd part works again, who knows why.

but in the times i had off not being at the computer i got some cleaning done and listened to lush on cassette on the boombox which brought me back. and so i actually even took out my rickenbacker guitar for a few minutes and strapped it on and looked at it all silver sparkly and felt fondness for it rather than irritation, which was nice.
i need to bring it to willie's guitars for a tune up and get new strings on it. i can string a guitar myself except for this one. there is some weird thing they did to the bridge of a rickenbacker 330 12 string model that makes you want to kill yourself trying to string it. i don't know what the fuck they were thinking, design-wise and that most crucial element to the guitar. but other than that i have to say rickenbackers are , by far, my favourite guitar.
i tried a gibson 12 string (the one that was stolen) but it just didn't have the same "chime".
although bruce springteen was sporting this beautiful gretch (i think it was?) that i was drooling over.
i know i shouldn't buy a guitar based on looks but rather on sound, but i can't help that i need my guitar to be pretty as much as i need it to sound good, too....which is just why i can never play a fender because there is just something massively ugly about them they make me sick just to look at them. they are just so "guy".
but i have to say they sure sound very good and must be well made since so many musicians swear by them.
i may have to break down and buy one someday because i really would like a 6 string with a whammy bar.
i switched to 12 string when the blue up? became a 3 piece band permanently (got rid of the keyboardist), and the 12 string filled in the sound so much better so i stick with 12 string now.
i did buy a 6 strng with a whammy bar once. it was a paul reed smith guitar and it was moss green made out of the most beautiful swirly wood and instead of just dots on the frets it is mother of pearl inlayed birds in flight. i remember my 1st boyfriend, who was the person who made showed me rickenbaker (because he was a "mod") walked in as i was looking at the paul reed smith and he totally turned his nose up at it and made some comment about how that wasn't a "real guitar". bt i knew he was completely wrong, like he was so completely wrong about everything (except that rickenbacker's are nice and the kinks rule)
really, it was so fucking beautiful it made me hurt, but the frets stuck out too much for me and so it hurt my finger to play bar cords on it and stuff. so i ended up selling it.
that thing was pretty. i wish to god the frets weren't so ouchy so i could get another one.
because there isnn't any other guitar that comes with a whammy bar i have ever seen that i liked the looks of...just that one.
maybe i'll have to get a tougher finger.
either that or just bite the bullet and go with fender. fender are easy to play, i will give them that.
i wonder what kind of guitar robert fripp plays. i should get whatever he has.
look at me all thinking about $1,200 guitars and i just got back from target and couldn't afford to buy hardly anything. i got some dust rags and dog treats and toilet paper and some crackers.
and everything else i just had to sigh over that wanted. like a new comforter for my bed or a mattress pad.
they had a isaak mizarazi (how do you spell his name) designer dog collar with rhinestones that was for a dog but i wanted it for ME and it was almost 40 bucks! for target that is damn expensive, even if it was leather and designer, fuck that.

i hope they remember me when i go to willie's because i go there not only because they have the nicest selection of guitars in town, but they were the only place who didn't treat me as a lesser customer because i was a woman. you cannOT BELIEVE how much you get treated like complete shit if you are a woman looking at musical instruments. they treat you like you are retarded, have zero clue about anything you might actually want, and they wait on you LAST, and then they do it as if it were a total chore.

and if ever i come across a guy who waits on me at a store like that i almost go out of my way to not use any sort of tech speak (because i loathe tech speak)..and i will call everything a "thingamabob with the buttons" and "the switch that flips things back and forth".
and i will be just massively hello kitty about everything and then in the end, pick the guy i liked best who treated me the nicest and slab down big hundred dollars bills in cash for whatever i want. and then that always surprises the living crap out of them so next time i am in they treat me with more respect, but i make sure to always stay away from the bug who treated me the most like i was stupid and never give him my money.

i remember once going into this place that was the "hippest" guitar place called "knut koupee" or something. and i was looking for a delay but i wanted the delay to be 3 to 5 seconds long or something really long and when i said that the guy said "they don't make such a thing, that would be ridiculous, no one would have a use for it".
i'm like HI? *I* would have a use for it you dimwitted piece of nothing! just because YOU haven't heard it ever used doesn't mean it should never exist and never be done. that was seriously the 1st time i actually complained to a manager about how i was treated.
and i am not one to do that. i think i've done it about 2 or 3 times in my life ever. that being the 1st time.
i can't imagine someone being so myopic that they could not fathom something delaying like that. that is like working in a paint store and saying "oh, no one would EVER use the colour lime green for ANYTHING, it's NEVER been done and NEVER will! the colour lime green has NO use whatsoever!"

i really hope it's gotten better for women who shop for musical instrument beyond the flute. i hope wmen are treated with more respect now at those stores because there are a lot more female musicians around now. whereas, for me, i had the go gos and the bangles and joan jett (and heart) and that was about it.

i remember when the gogos record came out and everyone was asking if they thought the women actually played on that record or if men did and it was all a lie. for real.
i don't know if anyone remembers that and that way of thinking.
but is was so real. it was just unfathomable that women could "rock" then.
and i remember when grant hart of husker du produced my 1st EP that he as he listened back to what we had recorded, music-wise (not the singing part) he remarked that "you'd never be able to tell that a woman had played that, it sounds just like a man had played it."
and the other guys in the room nodded in amazement that they didn't get any "girl germs" from the sound of my guitar.
as if estrogen were some sort of krytonite that would render all distortion peddles useless (and the big muff at that!).

i'll just never forget that.

and i'll never forget mixing the record and the person who mixed it was my 1st boyfriend and this guy named tom herberger, who was really nice. but my 1st boyfriend just took OVER and would NOT listen to anything i wanted , mix wise. i would say exactly what i wanted and then the two of them would go "no, that is not what you want. trust us".
for real. they would tell me it exactly like that. "no, you don't want that." can you believe? like i wouldn't know what i want for MY music???
and that record is mixed like a piece of shit. and you can blame the men for that.




ok, well, that is that. jason is coming over in a bit and i think we are going to watch a movie.

it's just been a normal day of maintaining my sanity and trying to get household chores done and i feel a bit accomplished that i did not want to slash my wrists today or throw myself off a bridge into the murky mississippi like some damn drama queen and instead i just hung up my clothes and unloaded the dishwasher and took out the trash and did not overspend at target. oh and it was one of those new SUPER targets, too.
like EVERYTHING has to be huge like walmart now. and it's weird for even ME, an american, who lives right by earth's largest indoor shopping mall (mall of america) to see these massive places now where you can get all your shopping done in one place. it's just weird.
i mean target was already huge and now it's also like a rainbow foods and a pizza place and a coffeehouse and best buy and a pharmacy and the list goes on and on and on.
i'm just now really sure how i feel about it. it's very surreal and just "hyperreality".
everything is so huge and bright and clean and colourful and happy...it would be an absolute nightmare on acid.

oh acid, how i do miss thee. i haven't had that in over a decade now, i think.
when the fall comes i get all nostalgic about acid.
laying in piles of leaves in the cemetary..watching the clouds turn into 7th dimensional shapeshifting mandelas containing with them all the worlds alphabets, symbols, and myths....all the history and everythingness of the universe from icarus's flight to mayan masks, to hieroglyphics to chinese dragons...
and i just go "ahhhhhhh" this is HOME. this NOW. it's ALL HERE.
i re-remember everything and who i am and why i am here...and i just be and i feel so "cleansed" afterwards.
as if those little scrubbing bubble cartoon guys that clean your toilet went and scrubbed every last astral artery in me and polished me up good and right and realigned all my energy centers.

fuck, i'd really like some acid.

ok, then....jason's here.
so off to watch a movie.
and then i'll work on getting more pictures up for you.

12:19pm

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Horoscope for Aries (October 14 2005)

Unexpected financial changes are headed your way. A partnership should help you get one step closer to something that you've wanted for a long time. You will have the discipline to finish what you start.

and

Disagreements
Normally this influence is quite favorable for all forms of communication, for getting around and getting in touch with people. Your mind moves quite quickly and cannot stand being idle. This influence makes you eager to exchange ideas with others, and you may feel like sitting and chatting with someone all day, if he or she is interesting enough. But the drive of this energy is such that you may waste a good deal of time chattering to yourself and not really accomplishing much of anything. While it is quite easy to express yourself under this influence, do not expect everyone to agree with you necessarily, especially if you talk so much that others feel they will never get a chance to say anything. They may disagree with you just to make you pause and listen to them.

and

You know what you want today, but cannot possibly verbalize it. Part of the problem is that your goals may be so lofty that you cannot realize them. Even still, you may attempt to express your feelings anyhow, only to discover that as you do, your needs change. Share your desires but remain flexible and ready for a surprise.