october 11th , 2005
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http://despair.com/indem.html#viewall

OMFG i forgot about this site.
these crack me up to no end :)
i can't decide which one i think is the funniest!

achievement, change, consulting, fear, hazards, ignorance, incompetence, intimidation, irrresponsibility...
loneliness (why did i laugh the most at that one? disconcerting! seriously a big whoop ass belly laugh and that is DIFFICULT to get out of me!)...mistakes, motivation...persistence ( i'd love to send THAT one to a certain someone i know).

hmm, the power one is the only one i did not find funny in some way , so far...nope that one left me flat.
ok, the regret one scares me a little....

trouble...ha :)

ok, tonight's 2 winners for me are *ding ding* "change" and "fear"

is it sad those make me laugh?
yes, it is.
but i laugh anyway and i'm glad for it because i don't laugh very often.because if we can't laugh at our suffering we drown in it. laughter is the KEY, in many ways, isn't it?

i vaguely remember when i could 1st really understand and laugh at the 1st bitter type humour movie.
like a woody allen movie.
i'm trying to remember the exact moment...what was it....

i can't remember right now.
but i remember, at that moment, thinking "oh, i get these movies at a whole new level now".
and 2 thoughts that came along with that is:
1. "cool, now i'm "grown up" enough that i can "relate" to to this stuff" and
2. "fuck, i'm starting to be able to relate to this stuff and that SUCKS. i thought it would be cool to relate to it, but it's not cool, it just sucks"

anyway, that is all.
i hope you CANNOT relate to anything that link or images shown.
but if you can, honey, hello and sadly, very sadly, hello hello....

we need to laugh to move on, i think.
but it's all in the timing.
it has to be the right time to laugh.

6:49pm

i feel like i just took a big chunk of dark coal out of my body and gave it back to the "void from which it came".
kinda like, "excuse me, fucktard, HERE, i think you dropped this. i think this karma is YOURS not MINE."
like i just took a huge heaping backpack of dark goo off my back and flung it back from where it came.

and it feeeeeeeeeelsssss goooooooood :)

3:37pm

i am thinking of something from a new perspective.
i don't know if it's a good or right perspective, but it's a new one for me.
what if the responsibility does not lay with me, the consumer, to stop buying things that hurt the environment or oppress people. but the responsibility lays on the person/people who is MAKING the thing i am consuming?

if they stopped making it, i would stop consuming it.

i have always thought the reverse. if i stop consuming it, they will stop making it.
but this does not seem to be the case.
for instance, i take it upon myself to find out about everything i consume.
where it is made, how it is made, how the way it is made effects the environment and the people.
but this is an impossible task for me and seriously causes me so much stress that i feel suicidal about it.
because how can i ever be free if what i am consuming is causing oppression?

but i can't know EXACTLY what kind of oppression is happening because of my consumption because i am not at the SOURCE. for instance, i did not know until a few months ago that shrimp farming was completely fucking up entire countries because they use up all their land to farm shrimp that they then fuck themselves over by having no land for themselves to grow their own food. how could i know? i am not in the countries that farm shrimp so i do not see firsthand what effect this is having.

and i did not know until a few months ago that the tuna was being overfished almost to extinction.
how could i know? i am not a fisherman and i have not seen that the average weight of the tuna has dropped over the generations and all that. i'm in the middle of the continent.

i have also "heard" that the amount of waste that is made to make one tiny pocket pc is obscenely large.
but how would i know this? i do not make pocket pcs. i only heard this very briefly on tv.
and i haven't been to the places they made these and i have no idea how much waste or what kind and how this effects the environment. i'm not there. and i' m not a chemist. but i'm sure whoever is making pocket pcs could hire a chemist and be informed about their waste and then DO something about it. and if you cannot make a pocket PC that doesn't fuck up people or land, then don't make them at all. it's simple. the world lived without the pocket pc for thousands of years. i'm sure we handle a few thousand more years without them until someone comes up with a plan on how to make one that doesn't fuck shit up.

and i make trash, because society has set it up that way, so that i cannot help but make it.
i send it down a chute and garbage people come and pick it up and it "goes somewhere".
where? i do not even know.

so....
i am thinking this new thought, for the sake of my own sanity...that maybe the blame for fucking up the environment and oppressing people lays basically, maybe even solely, upon the people who are making these products in the 1st place. they would know best how this stuff is fucking up their land or oppressing their people because they are right THERE, seeing it firsthand. and maybe the countries who farm shrimp should stop worrying about whether or not they can meet the supply and demand for shrimp and just start worrying about their own people instead.
just because the world wants shrimp doesn't mean it HAS to get what it wants at the expense of whatever is the expense.

like farming here in minnesota. my grandfather was a farmer. the old fashioned kind.
the red barn and the silos and the white country house and all that.
he worked the land by himself and he grew a little bit of everything and he knew the land intimately and he rotated crops. he always grew enough to sell, but he also was smart enough to grow a little bit of everything for his own family, so that if times were tough, the family would not starve.
he had some cows, chickens, corn, and then a pretty good sized garden with just about everything in it.
and if my dad had not decided to become a minister, then maybe this land would still be in the family and maybe today i would be a farmer. who can ever know? that would have been a nice scenario.
but it didn't happen so that is that.

now i hear about farmers in "the heartland" who cannot feed their families because all they grow is acre after acre of soy or something.
i mean how stupid can you be to be a FARMER and not even plant enough diverse stuff for your family to EAT?
what kind of fucked up stupid ass logic is that? for fuck's sake, they have the LAND, why don't they GROW stuff on it that THEY can eat??

why do i feel like all the blame lays on ME, the consumer, for all the problems of the world?
where is there a law written saying that if i want shrimp or a pocket pc or tropical fruit flown in from some far off land that i MUST have it? that my needs MUST be met at the expense of everything?
the fact is...it's just HERE. *I* didn't put it here. *I* didn't make it.
*I* dont know how the fuck it effects the environment. all i know is it's HERE and it's for SALE.
someone had the idea. someone made it. someone hired people to make it. someone drove it here. and then someone put it in there store for me to buy.

and if *I* buy it, i am an evil consumer fucking up the planet.
*I* am the selfish, horrible greedy consumer who doesn't give a fuck about anything.
that is CRAZYMAKING, i have decided.

if *I* would just stop buying it "they" would just stop making it?

but today, just for the sake of my own sanity.
am going to say, perhaps like a selfish american (i just really don't know anymore i am so confused i'm just one woman sitting up here in her apartment with not an acre of land to her name with seemingly no way out of this maze), maybe if "THEY" stopped MAKING it, *I* would stop BUYING it.
because if it doesn't get made in the FIRST PLACE then it doesn't get BOUGHT.
and then this entire cycle will END.

so instead of thinking globally, think locally. for today, for the sake of my sanity.

if the people who own the land that my garbage gets shipped off to would like to say "no more!" and then the garbage people go on strike because there is nowhere to put the garbage, and so then the garbage piles up in my house because there is nowhere for it to go, and then this leads to my death. so be fucking it.

maybe that is what should happen so that all the flaws of this structure are exposed.
and if i have to die in my own filth because i don't own any land on which to grow my own food or even to shit on,
then so be fucking it. i didn't set it up this way. i don't want it this way. but here i am.

but as long as you/they keep putting things in the stores to buy and hauling away my trash. i will live.
and so be it then for that, as well.
if i ever get some land, like my grandfather had, i would be glad to leave this cycle of ridiculousness.
but until then, so be fucking it.

so you....you fucking landowners. YOU are the ones with the power.
whoever you are, whereever you are. whether you are good or "evil" , indifferent, ignorant, whatever...
whether the government or a company or a "private citizen".
start paying attention to your fucking land and do right by it, to those who reside on it and around it.
respect it and it will respect you.
start having an intimate relationship with your land.
treat it well.
whatever that means, i don't know, i don't own any. i don't even have a yard.

but for now, at least for today, for the sake of my sanity, i'm going to stop blaming ME, the consumer, for fucking up land i do not even OWN and am not even NEAR.

it's up to walmart to stop being "walmart". for the love of god, they have more money than they could ever spend in a trillion lifetimes. and the people who own walmart have to know what the fuck they are doing. i mean, for fuck's sake they have enough money to travel in luxury and visit intimately each and ever piece of land they own.
and if that is just too much for them to do, maybe they own just too much fucking land. it's like having a harem.
how many wives can one really pay attention to? it's ridiculous!

and all you people with more than one house. what the fuck is that about?
oh you "earned" it, did you? did you "earn" to be such a greedy sonovabitch, too?

if you own so much land you cannot even PAY ATTENTION to it, then what the fuck are you doing with it? arrrrrgh.

feng shui some of that back out to the people who could really use it wisely.
yes, like ME.
GIVE ME SOME LAND DAMMIT SO I CAN GET OUT OF THIS CYCLE!
i don't NEED what you are selling me you irritating sons of bitches!
but as long as i am "stuck here" in my little box above ground, curse me to fucking hell if i buy 100% blueberry pomegranate juice or a fucking coca cola. that's what they SELL here, so i BUY it. it's all i HAVE. (besides my soul and my sanity which i am slowly regaining)
if YOU are the evil coca cola company STOP BEING "EVIL".
it's not up to ME to make YOU not be "EVIL". it's up to YOU to stop it, stupid ass coca cola company.

and yes, i am writing this from a place of envy and bitterness. and i know that is not good.
but this is just one of my many stages i must go through in order to achieve some sort of peace within myself about the state of things.

so i apologize in advance to everyone in advance this is going to offend.
i'm just pissed off. i obviously don't have any answers.
i just need to vent. like a small child.

there i've said it.
and now i can move on.

of course i will continue to try and make the best possible consumer choices for the planet, anyway.
and recycle and blah blah blah.

and p.s.

no one ever really "owns" land anyway.
what i mean is caretakers of the land. we are OF the land. we ARE the land.
as long as we are in these physical bodies, we are ONE with the land.
and so to deprive people of land, i think is to deprive people part of their bodies, literally.
and to think you are NOT part of the land is insanity. literally, insanity.
the head thinks it does not need the body to think.

and you can't take it with you when you die, as mr. walmart just found out the other day.
we are all just caretakers here.
so take care.

3:02pm

in know this is an old philosophical question.
and there probably isn't a definitive answer to it.
but...

i am asking myself today...

"what does it mean to be truly free?"

and so, i ask that question of you, too. what does that mean to you?
to be free? what is "freedom" to you? and can it be attained?
do you feel you have attained it now or ever will?

or is is just some undefinable, perhaps unreachable, idea like 'truth" or "beauty"?

2:29pm

wrote in my paper journal for the 1st time since march. just blah blah blah stuff.
took a polaroid.
i hear they are going to discontinue sx-70 polaroid film.
i wish i had $$$ to go buy some (a ton of it) before it's all gone.
i have a bit of energy and motivation so i am going to go into the thing room and clean up a bit in there.
i don't want to get sucked into computerland today.
maybe later i will transcribe some of what i wrote from my paper journal into here. or maybe i will just photograph it.
or maybe i will do neither and just keep some things to myself.

i have a crapload more pictures to show you. i have them on cds and floppies. i'm going to go and try and find those.

1:18am

so far, i'm doing a little better today.
the sun is shining on my bed and i am sitting in it and getting some "light therapy".
listening to air, and aha, and the stranglers.
maybe i will try to write some stream of conscious stuff into a paper journal.

+++

Horoscope for Aries (October 11 2005)

Chances are you will be blind to what is actually going on in your personal life. Focus on what has to be done to continue moving forward professionally. You can't change the way things are at home, so put your energy into your work.

and
Indirect support
This is an excellent time for all matters concerned with your domestic, personal and emotional life. Relationships work out far better than on other days, because you are imbued with a strong desire to be warm and friendly to everyone you meet. Others can sense the sincerity of your feelings and will respond in kind. Relations with women should be especially favorable during this time. Sexual relationships are strongly supported by this influence, not by directly increasing the sex drive, but by indirectly increasing the strength of love within the relationship. The emotions are quiet, not turbulent, and this is a good time for you and a loved one to be alone together quietly. This is also a good time to look about for ways to beautify and decorate your home.

and

Your day begins with concrete plans that capitalize on your drive. You feel ready to make whatever commitment is necessary, as long as you can see a clear path toward your goal. But something happens on your way to your destination as it moves beyond your reach. This isn't about failure; there is no reason for discouragement. Instead, you've set your sights higher and it could just take longer to get there.