october 10th , 2005
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11:13pm

today was hard. but i made it through.
i never did make it out for a walk.

jason and i watched "space is the place" with sun ra.
man, weird a weird dude. gotta love him.

on wednesday jason and i are going to see an acoustic set by bruce springsteen.
i would have never in all my wildest dreams thought i would EVER go to a bruce spingsteen concert. but i think an acoustic set by him will actually be good.

i want to write about good things.
like how beautiful cirque du soleil corteo was.
it just blew my mind in so many ways.

and then i really wrongly and compulsively bought this feather boa of all feather boas. blood red with strips of moss green fabric draping through. i really had never seen such a beautiful feather boa in my life, will take pictures but i feel awfully guilty for buying it because it was very compulsive and i cannot really afford it. i am going to have to come up with some to sell.

i get caught up in the moment and i want to take a piece of beauty with me..as if somehow it will save me or make the beauty of the night more real and stay with me....

i'm going to lay in bed and listen to dreamland some more.

 

4:57pm

today, i am volatile and combative but trying really hard not to get into arguments and disputes with people just to blow off steam. i sort of did a little bit and then i nip it in the bud and back away.
i just about went on a rant about why women can't wail at the wailing wall or drive or vote on saudi arabia (and a million other things), but i didn't. i let it slide. i have to for my own sanity. i just cannot wake up the entire world. i just can't do it.
i hate this world and love it so much.

http://www.library.cornell.edu/colldev/mideast/saudwmnx.htm

http://abcnews.go.com/International/wireStory?id=812963&CMP=OTC-RSSFeeds0312

http://www.rutherford.org/articles_db/commentary.asp?record_id=154

i'll leave it at that because i feel a rant coming on and i don't want that.
and then i stare, numbly, feeling nothing and feeling everything all at once.
i'm going to take a bath now and then go for a walk.
i'm trying to get back to the here and now of my life and unravel myself from the stupidity of "everything out there".
it might take me awhile but i will get there.
i put 2 things on my amazon wishlist. one about releasing anger, and another about releasing and anger and getting to a place of forgiveness. i didn't order them yet. they did get good reviews, tho.
i'm just weighing all my options right now.
and trying with all my might to not do anything self destructive.

jason came home and he made me smile.
i just need to smoosh into him.
i will after i walk.
jason is going on the eplitical machine thing but i don't want to be in that room. not when it's nice out.
it always smells like bandaids and sweat in there.

11:11am

i don't remember any of my dreams.
i'm listening to air's talkie walkie.

+++

Horoscope for Aries (October 10 2005)

A lack of understanding will take over, making it difficult for you to make sense out of the problems you are facing. Try not to complicate matters. Do what you can and don't worry.

and

Sudden moves
Weak, transient effect: Today during the day you are likely to crave emotional excitement, something that departs from the routine of your daily life. You are likely to seek out people who are different from those you usually meet. You might spend the day or evening in very different surroundings. And while you may feel a bit impulsive, these impulses make you feel more alive rather than inclined to act rashly or stupidly. On a more quiet level, you may use this energy to make needed changes in your immediate personal life or your domestic environment. While others may seem startled by your apparently sudden moves, these changes should be constructive, and the people in your life will accept them. If you have to deal with groups of people or with the general public, you will advocate change and new policies.

and

There may be an uncomfortable encounter today between an authority figure at work and one of your associates. Try as you might to avoid getting involved, you may end up playing a role in resolving the problem. Your direct style now could help each person be heard by the other. Do your best to maintain objectivity as you create common ground.