october 9th , 2005
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5:09pm

we watched a documentary about britpop in the 90's. the whole blur, oasis, pulp etc. scene.
it was a bit interesting,
i'm wondering if i just make a record about all my fear, pain, and rage that i can purge myself of it.
or maybe make a big painting of it.
or something.
i don't know if i want to see a psychologist. i just don't see how it will help me to talk about my anger. i want to scream about it.
i always talk about it. i am aware of what it is and why i have it.
what i need to do is find a way to get rid of it.
like primal scream therapy, hitting pillows, crying, and writing songs about it and giving it a voice and getting it out of me. and i need this shit released from my body.
i need bodywork done. i need my chakras balanced or something.
i need something that facillitates this to leave me.
i need to find a way to cope and to forgive. or something.
i'm very resentful. i'm not very forgiving.
don't know....i'm thinking of ideas.
i think i have acute stress syndrome and also post traumatic stress syndrome.
trauma, rage, fear, anxiety, depression.
i need to hit those things boxers box with and hit it with a baseball bat while i scream everything i want to scream at it at everyone who i feel rage towards.
i think if i could say it and scream it and get it out physically and verbally and then have a damn good cry, that might do me a heck of a lot of good.
sitting and talking about rage feels stifling to me, because what i want to do is scream at the people who i am angry at.

i will figure this out.

jason is making some food and then we are going to watch a woody allen movie called "celebrity" i have already seen it but i don't care. i will cocoon and just try to figure shit out and maybe crochet or maybe just huddle.

2:44pm

i'm going to watch movies with jason.
doing research on trying to find the best kind of therapy for me.
it's hard to know which is. also i don't have a car so getting around to these places is hard.

1:06pm

cirque du soleil was amazing.

i want to write more but i can't.
i feel really unhinged and broken right now.
i don't know what is the deal.
i think i am going to call my dad and ask if he will pay for me to see a psychologist or something.
but what i really need is to go to a retreat somewhere where i reconnect with the earth and with myself.
i'm disconnected and disjointed and broken and nothing is making sense.
i feel like i am going crazy. i'm so stressed out. i'm not coping well. i have a lot of grief and anger.
my mind is on overload and i am not well at all.

+++

Horoscope for Aries (October 9 2005)

The world may be your oyster, but you are still likely to face a few small glitches along the way. Don't be overly confident or you will set yourself up for disappointment. A chance to do something nice for someone else will help you more than you realize.

and

Take a break
Valid during several weeks: This influence signifies an appropriate time for fun, entertainment, having a good time. Your self- discipline may be at an all-time low during this period, but everyone needs a break from time to time, so enjoy yourself. Just make sure not to overdo it. You can relate well with children now, and this is a good time for games and fun. It is not conducive to serious work or discussion with them, however, because you may not want to be serious, yourself. Love relationships in general are also favored during this time. You will get along smoothly with loved ones without feeling that you are surrendering your identity. This influence makes it possible for others to enjoy you being exactly yourself. There is no need to pretend to be what you are not.

and

You may be attracted by a friend's idea, but should think carefully before making a commitment. What sounds good at first could turn into more of a burden than you are willing to accept. If you reject the offer, spend extra time with him or her, so that no one winds up feeling hurt.