october 3rd , 2005
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7:51pm

you are only receiving this message at midthought...you haven't seen ALL the thoughts that led up to this (sort of but if you have been paying attention, you'll be fine)

http://www.vanderbilt.edu/AnS/english/English295/albright/conquer.htm

that is precisely what i do!!!
ahhhh! to SEE it WRITTEN by ANOTHER!!!

JOY!!!!!

i'm on the right track!

 

5:00pm

i am hours away from getting my period. i can feel it.
i wish i would just bleed already. i hate the waiting.
it's 84 degrees here and storms are on the way.
and then it's supposed to get really cold for the rest of the week.
the trees across the river are totally orange now.

1:59pm

i have been noticing lately in the culture a lot of death fetishism in fashion magazines and in some art. dead women to sell handbags and shoes.
it got to be so much that i just started saving all the photos i came across (i've saved 170 so far, just from popular fashion magazines) which glamourized a woman being dead (and not a natural death, usually).
(i have not saved any from all the necrophelia/sleeping/asphixiation/amputee fetish sites out there of which there are a disturbing TON)
this started (stylistically) with the fetishized dead body of laura palmer in the tv show twin peaks (at least this is when i noticed...and i'm not talking about slasher movies...but shows which only show the body AFTER the violence has occurred)
and then it has continued in many other places, but most notably, now, in the tv show CSI.

170 pictures of simulated dead women in fashion photpgraphy
(it's all VERY pretty, don't worry):

http://www.ana2.com/private/today/dead/

i find myself compelled to these photos and also wanting to act them out, as well. as i have made a few photos of me that looked as tho i might be dead from sort of weird accident. the most recent some ones of me on top of my piano in the green dress. and some of me in the pink tub making out with a mannequin torso.

and i had to think WHY on EARTH do i feel so compelled to make these photos, too?

and i think my answer is...it is the death wish of the human race now.
women have been so subjected to violence both real and propaganda, we have been objectified to the point of unreality or hyperreality.
that we just don't really exist anymore.
we have been killed by the media (and in real life...but both are real) so much now that we are now dying by the media, as well.
we, as symbols, as symbollically dying.

i met a girl on the net who said she was soothed by watching slasher films. that whenever she felt nervous or depressed she would put one on and it would soothe her. she liked to pretend she was the woman getting killed. this disturbed me.

but i think it says a lot in how much violence has been projected at women now and it has been so objectified and glamourized and fetishized that we now WISH to be those dead women.
if for no other reason that just to have it END for us.
to be free of this insanity perpetuated against us.

we wish to leave the planet now (i am talking in general "mass consciousness" terms and what women symbolically represent...as well as many of us DO want to leave the planet either realistically, fictiously, or symbollically, we just can't tell anymore in this hyperreality).
we don't want to struggle any longer.

you want our female body so much? you are so scared of it and want to own it?
HERE...HAVE it. it is yours. we don't want it anymore if violence at every level is what we must endure on a daily basis to have it.

we leave it behind for you to study/examine/collect, like a dead bird or butterfly.

 

1:58pm

reading on what jean has to say about the tortures of abu ghraib:
http://www.ubishops.ca/baudrillardstudies/vol2_1/taylor.htm

and it is SO right on.

BUT....in practically everything i ever read that is so "right on" about what is so "wrong on" about the world today...
the hugest most crucial part of the puzzle is almost ALWAYS missing.

in every conspiracy theory place i read...in every place where people are "waking up" from "the matrix"
still, no one (that i can find) is addressing the most major problem i see on this planet, which is
"women are the nigger of the world" (ono quote)

i have been trying to find so way to articulate this for so long now and just can't seem to be able to say it as precisely as it needs to be said...so i will just try again in my unprecise way...

but women are not seen as REAL...they are SYMBOLS for which the world plays out it's fears and dreams on.
we are like voodoo dolls that one would use to "get back" at the enemy.
how do you most humilate a man or a country?
you rape "his woman".
or you dress the man up as a woman. which seems to be a fate WORSE THAN DEATH ITSELF.
can anyone see this and take this in?
how does a man control and gain dignity? by either covering up his many wives, or having as many "Hos" as possible.

it's gotten to the point where PIMP is GOOD word and something to aspire to be. and if you can't be a pimp then maybe you will be lucky enough to be a bitch or a ho.

WTF people???

here jean says:

"One saw the GIs walking the naked and chained Iraqis through the city and, in the short story Allah Akhbar by Patrick Dekaerke, one sees Franck, the CIA agent, making an Arab strip, forcing him into a girdle and net stockings, and then making him sodomize a pig, all that while taking photographs which he will send to his village and all his close relations.

Thus the other will be exterminated symbolically. One sees that the goal of the war is not to kill or to win, but abolish the enemy, extinguish (according to Canetti, I believe) the light of his sky.

And, in fact, what does one want these men to acknowledge? What is the secret one wants to extort from them? It is quite simply the name in virtue of which they have no fear of death. Here is the profound jealousy and the revenge of "zero death" on those men who are not afraid – it is in that name that they are inflicted with something worse than death… Radical shamelessness, the dishonor of nudity, the tearing of any veil. It is always the same problem of transparency: to tear off the veil of women or abuse men to make them appear more naked, more obscene..."

it's said RIGHT THERE..but not ACKNOWLEDGED.
to be a woman is a fate WORSE THAN DEATH.

now THAT is what is fuct here and needs to be acknowledged pronto.

and it also ties in to fear of homosexuals and also child abuse and child porn...at this is all a very lengthy discussion, i wish i could simplify.

but what we need to ask ourselves is WHY are we (in general, humans on this planet, throughout all of time) SO AFRAID of women??? why is there this mysogyny beyond all scope of *insert everything i cannot articulate*?

this is all tied in also to why we are killing of EARTH and NATURE, who is our MOTHER.

what is it "women" symbolize" that is so frightening?

loss of "control"? is that what it is?
being "hysterical"?
because we give birth, because we bleed, because we are mor tied to "cycles" and "nature"?
i mean WHAT?
why are women something that NEEDS to be CONTROLLED and OWNED?
what is this NEED to do that? why this FEAR behind it?

what the fuck is going on here?

i have been trying to understand the answer to this ever since that guy busted into my house and tried to rape me.

i mean how is THAT for loss of control?
do mean fear their own "loss of control" so much (erections or whatever) that they just blame it on the woman and it's as simple as that?
but it has reached such HUGE PROPORTIONS now...to the point that we are going to extinguish ourself as a species AND the earth because of this! for real!

what the hell is going on?

the ONLY place where i can see where a light on this is starting to poke through (in mass consciousness) is this new renewed interest in mary magdalene. and i haven't read the davinci code yet or anything. but that is where i am seeing it start to peek through just maybe a TINY little bit.

1:56pm

http://ana.livejournal.com/1641934.html

http://ana.livejournal.com/1641553.html

1:00pm

all i can say is.....
http://www.davidlachapelle.com
captures the essence of hyperreality for me.
each photo he does is just so RIGHT ON.
what i cannot say in words, he makes in photos...
and then i come upon Jean Baudrillard and he articulates it in words.
and i feel SO RELIEVED!
because now i have something more to build on of what it is i am trying to do and say.

12:47pm

hyperreality

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hyperreality

ahhh!

and then from there...

and then clicking over to:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jean_Baudrillard

Jean Baudrillard is best known for his formulation of the notion of hyperreality, and in particular hyperreality in the United States. According to Baudrillard, America has constructed itself a world that is more 'real' than real, and where those inhabiting it are obsessed with timelessness, perfection, and objectification of the self. Furthermore, authenticity has been replaced by copy (thus reality is replaced by a substitute), and nothing is "real," though those engaged in the illusion are incapable of seeing it. Instead of having experiences, people observe spectacles, via real or metaphorical control screens. Instead of the real, we have simulation and simulacra.

While early in his career he was influenced by Marxism, he eventually came to the conclusion that Marx's attitudes were in mirror opposition to that of capitalist thought, and that Marx in fact held the same basic worldview as the capitalist. For instance, he did not question such concepts as "work" or "value". In short, while perhaps well-intentioned, he argued that Marx was infected by the "virus of bourgeois thought". In opposition, he proposed a concept of symbolic exchange, a "cycle of gifts and countergifts", similar to a gift economy. However, in time he began to prefer the idea of a system based around seduction, involving "the charms of pure and mere games, superificial rituals". While he gives such possible alternatives, he sees little hope in any repair of the social world, but rather a further progression into a hyperreal system offering little distinction between what is real and what is not. He sees the United States as having moved furthest in this direction, noting for instance that his decision to visit the United States stemmed from his desire to seek "the finished form of the future catastrophe."

+++

i have finally found the articulation of my thoughts lately!
now i don't have to write as much!
yay!

11:23am

i had a dream about spirograph. do you remember those?
i really want one again now!
i want one again so much it hurts!

i checked and they make a deluxe spirograph by hasbro.
but it all got the worst reviews possible by everyone who bought it (on amazon) i guess the wheels are so thin and poorly made that no one can use it. what is hasbro thinking?

now i am looking at ebay.
i MUST have a spirograph again.
one that is complete and unbroken!

+++

Horoscope for Aries (October 3 2005)

Changes made at home will do you a lot of good. You will have an excellent eye for pulling things together with fabulous results. Your money situation will stabilize and a real estate opportunity looks promising.

and

Sobriety and stability
You are satisfied with reliable, stable relationships at this time and do not make unrealistic demands on others. You recognize that your loved ones are human, and you ask only that they live up to their obligations and you will do the same in return. This is a good time to discuss any problems that may have arisen with a relationship, because your sense of reality is strong and you can be objective. Relationships that begin under this influence are characterized by sobriety and stability. They may not be demonstrative, but there is a steadiness of feeling that enables them to survive when others fail. Often such a relationship occurs because of practical rather than romantic considerations, but this does not weaken it.

and

Today's Eclipse falls in your 7th House of Partnerships, setting the stage for influential people to enter your life. An important teacher may show up in your life now, but you need to be ready for the lesson. Associations with others won't be easy, for each person brings a different set of expectations. Don't just say "yes." Give it a few more days and then if it still feels right, go for it.