october 2nd , 2005
past anagrams	menu	utb

497 more pictures here:

*pix deleted*

(i have a lot to say about a few of those pictures in there. but i will write about it later...and interestingly the pictures i want to write about correspond to these dreams)

i had terrible dreams that i had a bunch of sisters or women who were like sisters, and they turned against me and one was going to kill me, she put a gun to my head and glared at me with seething hatred and i cried hysterically and begged for my life and begged for mercy, i felt so confused and betrayed, and then, still looking me straight in the eye with utter hate she put the gun in her mouth and shot herself dead.
i woke up completely sobbing from a gutteral part of myself.
i can't remember anything about the dream other than that.
but when i woke up i had "hide and seek" by imogen heap in my head.

here are the lyrics to that:

"Where are we
What the hell is going on
The dust has only just began to fall
Crop circles in the carpet, sinking, feeling
Spin me around again and rub my eyes
This can't be happening
When busy streets a mess with people would stop to hold their heads heavy

Hide and seek
Trains and sewing machines?
All those years they were here first

Oily marks appear on walls
Where pleasure moments hung before
The takeover, the sweeping insensitivity of this
Still life

Hide and seek
Trains and sewing machines
Oh, you won't catch me around here
Blood and tears they were here first

Hmm what you say
Oh that you only meant well, well of course you did
Hmm what you say
Hmm that it's all for the best, of course it is
Hmm what you say
That it's just what we need, you decided this
Hmm what you say
What did she say

Ransom notes keep falling at your mouth
Mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut outs
Speak no feeling no i don't believe you
You don't care a bit you don't care a bit

You don't care a bit
You don't care a bit
You don't care a bit
You don't care a bit
You don't care a bit"

after awhile i fell back to sleep again and had a dream i was sort of watching a tv show like farside but it was also real. there was a main character that was like a big macho hulk type character like warf on star trek. his planet had just discovered earth (this was before humans had come to earth, so this is way B.C.) and against his families wishes he professed his love for this new planet saying how delightful it was and that the animals there were so friendly and some of them were also quite tasty.
he went to earth and was caretaker for a garden that also contained in it wild animals that he was trying to domesticate, like foxes, chipmunks, birds, etc. as he tried to get into the garden which was fenced in by barbed wire, he tried to squeeze through the barbed wire but because he was so big he scratched himself.
this triggered his anger and sorrow he had for his family admonishing him for wanting to live on planet earth and in a fit of masochistic sorrow he threw his entire body onto the barbed wire fence and cut himself up really bad.

as i watched this i wondered how they did that with special effects because the tearing of the skin was so real. i wondered if maybe the actor actually DID tear his flesh , for real, to portray the role as realistically as possible. and i wondered how they did the barbed wire scenes in all the jesus on the cross scenes.

there were these dragonlike/snakelike things on the planet that kept trying to get into his garden and eat his animals and eat him, too. (this sounds like the garden of eden or something as i am typing this). since he was still learning about earth, he didn't know that there were tons of these things and what they were capable of.
they were very smart and together they made a decicion to completely circle his garden/camp and then attack it from all sides.
the easily slithered through the barbed wire without a scratch because their skin was so thick and tough.

and again, i thought, wow, the special effects are great. these computer generated snake dragon things are so realistic!

2 made it into the garden and the animals immediately sensed them and starting going crazy trying to climb out of their cages to free themselves and get away. the foxed especially, and the man saw the little foxes and held them close trying to comfort them and tell them he would let no harm come to them.

but i knew they were all goners by morning.
the man found the 2 snake dragons who made it in and axed them in 1/2.
he thought that was the extent of the threat and that now everything was fine. not knowing there were TONS more of these things circling around and they would be all night until there was so many and then they would attack from all "sides" of the circle.

it was curious how when the man cut the snake dragon in 1/2 ,
i also saw him dead right beside it. and someone went and put a picture frame over his head as he lay there dead beside the slayed snake dragon. and i knew this symbolically meant that he "wasn't getting the picture".

that cracks me up now that i write that. i love how my subconscious mind works.
since the frame was now around HIS dead head, THAT was the picture, actually. that is what was "framed".

also, what was meant by it, because the snake/dragon was also "in the frame" and so becoming "the picture", it was telling me that the snake/dragon was an essential element of earth. and the man did not know this. and that by killing them all off, which he thought was a good thing, THIS is what would be, in large part, his downfall/doom, too.
the snake dragon were ESSENTIAL to the planet and by killign them off he was also dooming hmself and the entrire planet (unbeknownst to himself).

ohhhhh...i get it....that is why when the man slayed the snake dragon i saw the man ALSO slayed beside it. then the picture frame went on it as foreshadowing. by slaying the snake/dragon the man also slays himself.

anyway, that is it on that dream, that i can remember.
i had a bunch more but they are not clear enough to write about.

i can see how i am the man, in many ways, and the foxes were like my dogs i was trying to protect.
and i can see how it is also society, as a whole, doomed.

snakes/dragons mean wisdom throughout the ages. knowledge.
i think this dream has many multilayered meanings for me, both personal and as about society.
but i think the society part of it..the dream is saying that by trying to control nature we are killing ourself off.
we are killing off the balance of predator and prey and killing off instinct. such as the animals KNEW when the predator was around but the man, did not. but he tried to tell them they were ok.
he didn't heed THEIR warning signs. he thought he knew better and was smarter and could control it all by sheer will and force.
and by man killing off all HIS natural predators and by not paying attention to instinct and nature and trying to control and domesticate everything, he was fucking everything over.

+++

Horoscope for Aries (October 2 2005)

Too much going on and too many different interests will lead to mistakes that you can avoid. Daydreaming will be the enemy today, so keep your wits about you and concentrate.

and

Satisfying experience
This influence can bring with it a deeply satisfying, liberating experience; perhaps you will simply enjoy yourself with more gusto and freedom than usual and take pleasure in life. There may be a very meaningful encounter during this time - with your partner, someone close to you, or someone whom you have never met before. This encounter will be so deep and personal that you will have the opportunity to perceive and possibly even discuss things about yourself that you have preferred to suppress up to now, and not reveal to anyone. Thus, you have the chance to behave differently and, for once, to act out of character and acknowledge your injury or sensitivity, without having to fear being hurt or rejected once more.

and

You might feel as if your time is running out, especially with respect to sharing your feelings with someone you'd like to get to know better. The problem is that your needs may not match up with the current situation and you might be better off just keeping your thoughts to yourself. Wait and resolve this imbalance after tomorrow's New Moon.