october 1st , 2005
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10:48pm

i watched 2 very interesting movies today.
one was called the committee from 1968 partially made by a very interesting guy named max steur.

and one was a documentary called "the mayor of sunset strip"
which was about rodney bingenheimer
which was REALLY fantastic and i just had no idea about this guy!
fascinating fascinating tragic...

6:51pm

my partial letter of resignation to the human race.

i am in the weirdest frame of mind and i can't articulate about it at all. i wish i could so i could get some sort of handle on it. i feel like something in me is changing...something to do with how i will want to interact with "the world" in a different way than i have been doing. what that exactly means or entails and how this will effect what i do or do not do artistically i am not sure. i'm not sure about anything.
or....maybe this is just pms and i am over reacting and being completely melodramatic :)
i just don't know.
i think it might have something to do with i have somehow comprehended just a little bit more just how utterly futile it is to communicate in the way that i do and expect the results that i expect from my communication.
so i may probably not stop my communication style, because i don't think i really want to and i pretty much like it the way it is, but i think my expectations will change. have changed. are changing.
as in, i really have to stop expecting anything at all in return for anything i do.
i have to do it simply because i want to because that is what i am and what i do. but i cannot concern myself with expecting anything whatsoever to come of it.
i do that with most of my art..make it for the sake of making it and if there is any end result then...so be it.
but i think i need to take this approach with society, at large, and with my family, as well.
if i feel like communicating something, i will communicate it for the sheer joy of the act, and not to receive any sort of feedback whatsoever in the way of verbal communication, letter writing, hand gestures, bodily contact such as hugs or handshakes, or anything whatsoever meaningful, logical, sensible, or equal.
it feels like the last 39 years of my life has been one big long visual/written/sound/tactile/interpretive dance art piece to the universe which is basically just a "hello, i am here", in short.
and i feel like the replies i get back from that, if there are any replies at all,
are garbled echoes, half assed smoke signals from 7,000 B.C., or someone barging through my door with a chainsaw screaming "I AM BOB AND I AM YELLOW!"

and that...is not very satisfying to me, to say the least.

(and btw, this has NOTHING to do with the fact that i put up hundreds of photos i collected throughout the years and no one said anything until i asked. seriously! this goes way beyond that and really has nothign whatsoever to do with that because that is just a tiny thing and not that huge of a deal)

i think it's just that i have realized, a whole new level, much to my dismay, just how utterly fuct we are, as a human race. thanks to my mom being a complete fucktard and my dad being a complete wimp and my brother being totally clueless and then what happened with hurricane katrina and the aftermath of that.....
and i have been watching all of this from every angle i can think of...just planet earth, in general and how humans go about things for all of time.
and there still is so much i do not even know. but one thing i can say for certain is that the human race, by and large, is completely and utterly out of their minds and disconnected to the point that i feel there really is no hope for the collective "whole".
it is so insanely INFANTILE that it boggles my mind to grasp the stupidity factor of it all.

and so rather than TRY to unify things even SLIGHTLY , having that EXPECTATION there that i COULD unify things...ANYTHING ever so slightly...i have to give up on that notion altogether and just somehow embrace chaos and nothingness or something.
i don't know...
i mean i always knew the world was pretty stupid, in general, but the level of stupidity has somehow been amplified even MORE.
i did not think it possible for things to get MORE stupid. but yes, they can. and i foresee more stupidity in the future that might possibly be endless.
i somehow "wrongly" ended up in the universe that is DEvolving instead of Evolving.
i took a wrong left turn somewhere. or maybe there is no left.
the stupidity factor has risen to such a level that it might obliterate all of space and time.

i'm not exactly sure yet. i know this sounds dire and awfully pompous and arrogant.
but so be it.
but that is just where i am at this very hour of my life, here on a saturday at 7:15pm year 2005, as a female human being on planet earth from my perspective of things.

and so ya...i think i really must LET GO of ANY expectation that anything "unified" could ever happen with anything at any time. and just do what i am going to do because i do it.
and if anything comes of it, then so it comes..or not.

 

that's all for now.
that's all i can articulate for the moment.

so long and thanks for all the fish.

4:31pm

445 more pictures for your viewing pleasure!
click on the 1st pic to start it slideshow style:

*pix deleted*

save whatever you want because i won't be keeping these up or archiving it at all.

 

 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MELENA!!!!

545 more pictures for everyone here:

*pix deleted*

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Horoscope for Aries (October 1 2005)

Your ability to multitask creatively will be your ticket to getting ahead. A chance to make some crucial changes to your home and your lifestyle must not be put off.

and

Showing off
Usually this influence makes you feel very social. You enjoy being with your friends and neighbors, talking and exchanging news with them. You may feel a little like showing off, which cannot do any harm in moderation. But whatever you try to show others about your strength, independence and ability to lead, it is clear that today you need others, and you are quite aware of it. Do not try to delude other people about that. They will respect you for being honest, and of course, people like to feel needed. The old line that "No man is an island" has real meaning for you today. If nothing else, you need others to "show off" to, and you need not fear that showing off will alienate people. Unless you are an insufferable braggart to begin with, it will not have that effect at all.

and

You may still be riding on a relationship buzz that started a few days ago, but you realize that it won't last forever. As your key planet Mars begins his backward trek, you may struggle to make some things last longer than needed. You cannot, however, sustain what must pass. Don't fight endings; make room for what is next.