september 30th, 2005
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HAPPY BIRTHDAY THINGIE!!!!

545 more pictures for everyone here:

*pix deleted*

do you like these pictures i have been putting up for you the last few days?
i think they are completely amazingly astoundingly wonderful!
so i am kind of surprised no one has said if they are enjoying them or not. is it worth for me to show you more?
it takes me up to 3 hours to compile all the photos, make the pages for them and upload it all. they are photos i have saved from many years of surfing the internet. but maybe they are just not your cup of tea?

6:38pm

got a new power strip to plug the computer into in case it's the power strip.
if it still shuts off i'll try a new cord that connects the computer to the powerstrip, if that doesn't work i'll try a new outlet....just trying to determine the source of why my computer keeps shutting off.
my monitor is all wonky now, tho.
it's doing that weird "vibrating at a weird speed" thing where it hurts your eyes to look at it.
i can't explain it. but it's definitely doing something weird that is making it hard to look at it without feeling off kilter.
bah.
one way or the other we'll figure this out.

at least i am feeling a LOT better , emotionally, today.
i am normalizing and it feels like such a relief.
i don't feel in a pit of despair and i feel there is hope and i am actually looking forward to things today.

jason is bringing over the movie "the life aquatic" and we are going to watch that and eat air popped popcorn.

it feels so good to feel mostly normal. it's like after you have the flu and you are finally hungry again and just the fact that your hunger is back makes you so happy.

2:38pm

my computer keeps shutting off. it did it last night when i was sleeping.
and now it's done it 2 more times just in the last several hours.
i don't know what is going on with it!
argh! so frustrating!
at 1st i thought i was jiggling a loose cord or something, but neither i or the doga are near any cords the last 2 times my computer has turned off. very disconcerting.
so i am going to turn my computer off until jason gets home and maybe he can give me some hints as to what might be going on. but it's really bad to just have my computer shut off like that.
so i'm just going to shut it down for a few hours because i don't want anything worse to happen with my computer.

11:30am

at the risk of jumping the gun and speaking too soon, i want to say that, so far, today i feel a TON better.
i feel myself normalizing and i don't feel as numb and disconnected as i did yesterday and i feel a little hope creeping back in. so i hope that weird depressive state is finally leaving me. the big dark clouds are parting and moving on, not hanging so much over me anymore.
i had a really fun time at the M.I.A. concert last night. it wasn't amazing but it was positive and happy.
it's just so cool to see women being strong and powerful in the music world. and especially women of colour, just completely taking over a mostly white male crowd and LEADING them.
it gives me hope.it's empowering.
and jason and i had a little loving talk afterwards which cleared up a few things that had been weighing on me, and i feel 100 pounds lighter today and that is what helped the most. i feel like the part of me that was broken is healing again. i feel a lot more stable. and i feel loved.
i feel a great sense of relief.
and i have enough money to pay rent.
and even tho i am still not up to speed and feel pretty exhausted, i think i will have enoug energy later on in the day to get some stuff done. and i'll go for another walk, which will also help to improve my spirits further.
it's a beautiful 75 degree day.

but for now i think i will crawl back into bed just for a bit more and read a few chapters of the book howie gave me about healing from family rifts.
and my mom deleted her journal again, so yay.

thank you for sticking by me when i go through my depressive bouts.
it means a lot to me. i can't thank you enough.
i'm very certain i feel a new surge of creativity in me ready to be born very soon.
so there will be lots of new things for you all.
meanwhile, i hope you have been enjoying some of the photos i have been putting up for you while i have been wallowing in my pit if despair.

i don't remember any of my dreams from last night, which is just wonderful :)

ok, that's all for now :)

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253 interesting pictures.
click on the 1st one and it will start a slideshow.
take what you want today because i am not archiving these:

*pix deleted*

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Horoscope for Aries (September 30 2005)

There is something that you're forgetting or putting off -- and as long as you continue to do so, you will fall behind. Resolve this problem so you can move forward.

and

Refinement *
At its highest, this influence denotes a refined spirituality in love, with a total lack of selfishness and a feeling of complete soul-union with a loved one. At its worst, you might be disappointed in a loved one who did not live up to your expectations, which were probably unrealistic in the first place. Daydreaming, probably the most common effect of this influence, is usually harmless and pleasant as long as you are aware of reality. You will experience a refined sense of beauty and a desire to have your surroundings be as lovely as possible. However, you are not in a practical frame of mind and should postpone anything that requires good judgement in relationships or finances. A positive effect of this influence upon relationships is that you feel a selfless kind of love.

and

Thoughtful Mercury activates your key planet Mars today, increasing your creative urges and giving you the mental agility needed to accomplish your goals. You are ready to work and your concentration powers are strong. Don't let this day pass without initiating the next phase of your current project.