september
29th, 2005 |
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7:04pm
1/2 getting ready to go out and see M.I.A. and 1/2 watching Survivor...
6:50pm
ya, this book might be good. thanks
howie. perfect timing for this book really.
there are many aspects of the book that i can apply to myself in many ways.
even tho i was the one who cut them off...i cut them off because i felt they
cut ME off. so i can apply it in that way.
i wish i could continue reading it right now but i have to get ready to go
out.
but ya...it talks about "acute stress disorder" which sort of feels
how i feel right now...
6:08pm
i got outside with jason and walked
for an hour.
that was good. it helped my spirits a bit.
i need to do that everyday.
oh ha! howie, you've sent me the book "healing from family rifts: 10
steps to finding peace after being cut off from a family member" :)
i think that book is something my mom should read since i was the one who
did the cutting off.
but i will definitely read it and see if there is anything in there that can
be beneficial to me :)
thank you so much for your thoughtfulness! :)
i'm perusing the table of contents
now...
ya..the letting go of resentment thing is something i sure need work on..that
chapter will be good to read, i hope :)
3:33pm
my mom is back on lj again. she opened
one of her old journals.
then she posts to old comments from a year ago so that people are notified
that she is back.
i keep have nightmares that my mom opens every single one of her 20 odd journals
and when i try to read them it is in another alphabet that doesn't exist.
and i just feel attacked by nonsense. crazymaking.
i'm pretty sure last night i had another dream that my mom was a dead and
rotting corpse in my backyard.
i tried to put a basket hair care products on her to either make her sink
into the water so i wouldn't have to see her floating there or else i put
it there so the body wouldn't go floating off somewhere else because i wanted
to keep it there so i could give it a proper burial once the floods had subsided.
i guess that pretty much accurately describes how i feel about her right now.
she is now a rotting corpse in my backyard and i'm totally traumatized by
it.
and i don't know what to do with the body...because i never can bury it because
of intense flooding everywhere...
so it just sits, rotting and bloating and i know it's there and i can't get
on with my life.
i'm just wading through murky polluted water, bodies everywhere.
and what can you do? there is no escape.
i'm trying to trace my depression back and try to find it's source. but it's
just so many sources layered upon one another.
but i know that the whole hurricane
katrina thing really damaged my psyche.
i already have nightmares about floods anyway.
and then that happened and it was like everything was real.
i don't even want to type about it.
i'm sick of typing about it.
this is all old news.
i'm fucking bored senseless by it.
i think that's it. i'm actually bored
senseless.
i feel like something fried in my brain or something broke inside me.
i'm trying to trace it back to the exact point of breaking so i can rectify
this situation
but if i even try to think about it at all, i have a panic attack.
even just writing that much made all my adrenaline surge though me and made
me shaky.
i'm in such a constant state of fear i have frozen myself.
i can feel myself stiffening all over. rigamortis.
i'm just a zombie.
jason wants to walk at 4:30pm
so i will go now, on autopilot, and get ready for that.
maybe a walk will help somehow.
some new air.
i don't know....
2:22pm
253 interesting pictures.
click on the 1st one and it will start a slideshow.
take what you want today because i am not archiving these:
*pix deleted*
2:26pm
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i'm in a fog lately, on autopilot.
i can't seem to figure out what to do to get out of it. each day i hope i
will just "snap out of it"
but everyday i am in the same fog.
i don't have an interest in anything. all my "big plans" don't appeal
to me.
nothing appeals to me except watching tv.
i just can't wait until the end of each day when all my shows come on and
i can switch off and stare at the tv and then get sleepy and go to bed.
all i want to do is that.
i really hate it and i don't know how to get out of this weird state of being
or rather UNbeing i am in.
then all i dream about is floods and dead bloated bodies and things about
my mother or rape.
and when i wake up these images and feeling are still with me and everything
just merges into one gigantic purgatory.
so, i think it's safe to say that prozac is not doing me any good, at least
not yet.
but it takes 2 weeks for it to fully kick in. but it's been 13 days, and so...i
would think i would be able to tell something by now.
and i don't want to go on a higher dosage because then it will be harder for
me to sleep.
i don't know. maybe i'll just go off it. i haven't made up my mind yet.
i'll give it another week or so, maybe.
i feel like my life is slipping away and i have no direction.
i'm not sure what to do. i'm just hoping this will pass with time or something.
it is the time of my PMS, too. so i guess that doesn't help matters.
oh, jason just told me that tonight is the M.I.A. show.
perhaps that will cheer me up some.
i sure do hope so.
i really have felt positive about life during the U2 concert and also during
the Akron Family concert.
i suppose that is partly because then i have something to concentrate on that
isn't about me or my life.
maybe if i dress up for this one it will make me happier.
put on something shiny. crimp my hair. do something to make me feel better
about myself.
it really sucks to be a person who gets so depressed. and it just can hit
me whenever. and i just hate it.
and when i am in it, it feels like it is never going to end.
i just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep going.
i hope this will pass soon. i hope i figure out a way to get out of this.
but all i can do, for right now, is partly surrender to it. and just let this
time of my life be what it is going to be.