september 19th, 2005
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oh and btw, martha stewart was on david letterman tonight.
that woman is....quite an enigma.

7:09pm

god, i am so out of it!
i edited my response to kiitos because i had it backwards! (i said she was the only one who picked computer over tv , i meant the opposite)
also then she also had it backwards and said she would give up tv over computer!
ha :)
so i guess i am in my tvland alone :)

6:32pm

mouseovers:

got out for a walk. only 1/2 an hour 'cause jason's leg hurts :(
but every littlr bit helps.
listening to grace jones again. i bought her greatest hits the other day when i bought the muse cd.
i couldn't afford it , but fuck it, sometimes i need new music for my soul.

(god, just LOOK at her!)

sometimes that is more important than food.
when i was really really poor and only made $500 a month i would literally starve to buy cds i needed for my soul.the greatest hits cd is just perfect.
i love her voice so much. so much power and strength and resolve in it.
she kicks major ass. i wish i could be her just for one day.

i'm feeling massively zoned out and distant from everything.
but still having this underlying hint of an energy surge under it all, which is purely chemical and purely prozac.

right now i would be very useful for mundane tasks that took a bit of strength, but not too much, and was reptitive but didn't take any brain power.

like washing a large floor by hand. hammering nails into a wall,
walking long distances, or dancing 1/2 assed in a corner somewhere.

prozac has that interesting way of making me feel like i am outside of myself watching myself. i go through all i go through but it's like i am more like a secondary person watching what i am going through with slight interest, no investment, and no judgement.

not in the way pot is. when i smoke pot i feel like life becomes tv and i am watching television and i can feel "me" in my body looking out my eyes. like i am IN the tv, i AM the tv, peering out of the glass, like alice looking through the looking glass FROM wonderland.
like watching tv from the tv's point of view. it's hard to explain.
maybe someone else who has smoked por will understand what i am saying.

i find it rather amusing. don't smoke pot much , tho, maybe like 3 times a year i might. too expensive and i don't like to inhale things.

prozac...there is just this distant thing that happens, but in a good way. at least a good way for me.
i will make an analogy. it is like if you were stuck in a maze but could not get out or see your way our or even see that you were in a maze, because you just can't see the whole picture.
prozac makes you lift out of yourself and rise above and then look down at your life and then see "oh look! i'm in a maze! and now that i can see it from above and know what i am in, i can tell myself down there the way out of it!".
then i tell myself how to get out. my "higher self" instructs me.
and then , i make it out. mission accomplished, and then i go off of it.
that is how prozac works for me.
it's a nifty weird tool.
like a hidden "easter egg" in the game of life.
actually i'm not much of a game player, games make me nervous.
since my life already is the ultimate game for me that i am "forced" to play. i find no pleasure in having to relive my nightmares on purpose.

but if ever i get myself in position of playing one, i will kick your ass. i remember once playing doom at some stupid record company party. and i was like "god this is just like my nightmares!"
and i became so focused on the game and killing everythng in sight in order to "heal myself" or something that i made it to some huge level before i had to almost be forced to leave the game.
i was a killing machine, let me tell you.

the next time was some kung fu type thing jason had me play with him and i ended headbutting jason pretty hard, because i just flip out if there is someone trying to kill me, even in a video game.
so jason learned to not play those with me anymore :)

anyway, that's all.
i didn't accomplish much today.
i am just in some sort of weird transitinal mode.
kind of "system on back up power"
as i am recharging and getting my navigational systems back on.
so i can see where i am, and steer myself out of this minefield or astroid belt or whatever i am in.

i think i feel like taking polaroids.
mindless polaroids pointed at nothing.
and the assemble them into a "thing".

i will call it "autopilot"

 

4:45pm

this week's theme in photocontest is CAKE!
(yes, i seem to be obessed with it)
so go join and enter your photo for CAKE!

+++

a new one up:

http://itsalllove.com/starry_eyed/starry_eyed.html

i really love his astro insights!

4:29pm

nope. i cannot seem to move from my computer chair.
how lame is that?
i should at least clean off my desk...something...
playing some grace jones.
downloading some missy elliott.
gonna go open my window.
the dogs are playing on the bed.

4:00pm

got my email in my gmail down from 400 to 78.
1/2 the time i never get anything done because i can't find what it is i need to find in the huge inbox i have.
it's hard for me to delete email. and i never can delete anything from my dad no matter how trite the email is.
and i save all these emails thinking i will reply to thme someday and then i never do.
and then the task becomes so large i end up deleting everything.

2:30pm

yesterday i asked the question, if you had to give up your tv or computer which would you choose to give up (and saying that you cannot watch tv on your computer or dvds, etc). everyone, so far, has said that they would choose their computer over the tv except for my friend, kiitos, who said tv (and she is my reality tv show partner in crime :)

i responded to her:

"ha, you are the ONLY one who picked that you would give up your tv over the computer. huzzah! :)

if i didn't use my computer for a living, i think i would pick tv over the computer.
tv gives me more pleasure.
the computer ends up pissing me off more due to the enormous quantity of dumbfucks on the internet.
the computer has added a whole new dimension to my life, and i have access to incredible amounts of information and i can talk to thousands of people worldwide...but, really, sadly to say, where has this really gotten me at the very end of everything?
it's actually caused me a lot of grief.
but i do like that i can buy pretty much anything i want online and have it shipped to me. that is probably my favourite aspect about the internet.

also, i never read books anymore, now that i have the computer.

without the computer i would probably read more and listen to music more and get in a lot less arguments with people i do not even know!

tv just makes me happy (the shows i watch do).

if i didn't make my livelihood via computer, i think i would give up my computer over tv.

and people cannot stalk me via the tv.
which is a HUGE plus!"

and i could not even respond completely in public for the very reason of my mother stalking me.
because i know she is still probably reading everything i write out there, and that bothers me.
but ya, if it weren't for the computer, i probably wouldn't have a restraining order on my mom.
now i know i cannot blame the computer. because computers don't kill people, people do.
(guns don't kill people, people do)
the computer just was the right "tool" that brought out this really horrid aspect to my mother that had otherwise laid somewhat dormant.
but definitely because people have used the computer as a tool/weapon to hurt me, i would pick tv over the computer.
i understand that tv is used as a weapon, too. with all of it's negative commercials and brainwashing tv shows that feed us junk from the second we are born.
but it's not as personal and hurtful to me as someone stalking you and sending you very personal hatemail saying they want to rape you or something.
and as much violence as there is on tv, it's not directed SPECIFICALLY at me, as all the hatemail and drive by postings i have gotten during my decade online.

and as much as i hate commercials, and there is so much violence on it,
i don't get really violent porn spam on TV saying "teen fuckslut gets her holes ripped open" every 5 minutes.
at least not yet.

so, after all is said and done, if i look back and count how much pain/pleasure i have gotten from the tv and campare it to how much pain/pleasure i have gotten from the computer. i would pick TV hands down, over the computer.

i have gotten so much joy from all the movies i have watched and all my favourite tv shows throughout the years.

star trek, csi, lost, northern exposure, twin peaks, the daily show, adult swim, mtv (in the old days), cartoons as a child, sesame street, iron chef, sopranos, six feet under, all the great things on PBS like nova, globe, trekker, p.o.v., frontline, wide angle, dr. who, the prisoner, and all their fantastic specials like guns, germs, and steel or colonial house and anything with alan alda in it :) ha :)

tv has even saved my life, sometimes, i would even go so far to say. saved my sanity. when life gets to be too much, i know i can find something on tv to calm me down. like a documentary about octopi or something.

and when i travel, i know i can tune in anywhere i hear and see the familiar things anywhere i go, david letterman, star trek, OPRAH! and thank you johnny carson!

i know when my 1st boyfriend broke up with me and i was beyond devastated, i don't think i could have made it through without "days of our lives"! seriously!

and even in the bad times of earth, do we huddle around the computer when bad times hit?
like when 9-11 happened. what did you to 1st...rush to the computer or rush to the tv?
or even things like princess diana's wedding or funeral...
or dumb traditions like watching the ball drop on times square on new years eve with dick clark.

so dammit. i choose tv over the computer!

i know computer and tv are merging. and soon there will probably not be a difference.
but right here and now, i choose tv.

 

2:00pm

the dogs always pounce on me when i wake up :)
i'm going to try and get a lot done this afternoon.
i don't know what, because it's so much. i don't even want to type about it because it's too boring to type about.
i just need to be productive today, in some way, so i feel better.
and that's all i want to say about it now. because the more i type here, the less i will get done today.
so i'll just save all the typing for the end of today.

+++

Horoscope for Aries (September 19 2005)

You will overreact at an emotional level so, before you let that happen, back away from whatever or whoever is driving you crazy. Control your life instead of letting others do it for you, and you will achieve what you set out to do.

and

Common ground
The difficulty with this influence is that it spurs you on to do more than you can handle, to involve yourself in projects that require more energy than you have or to extend yourself beyond your resources. But this same tendency can lift you to attempt and succeed at tasks you would not usually consider possible, especially if you have been acting rather conservatively. Similarly this influence can make you generous or extravagant, depending upon your previous attitudes. You can expect some difficulties with other people under this influence, but you should be able to handle them and even win them over to your side, unless you proceed from a position of arrogant self- righteousness. Be very careful to examine the other person's point of view and try to find a common ground for cooperation between you.

and

Let your whole being shine with integrity today, for your current strength is not your ability to overpower your adversary, but rather to understand him. Even if you feel feisty with the Moon in your sign, there is no need to fight fire with fire. Squelch opposition by listening to the feelings behind their words or threatening actions. Remember, love is real; fear is not.