september 16th, 2005

11:36pm

so much beauty it hurts
(although my headache is gone now, finally!):

http://www.zum.de/stueber/haeckel/kunstformen/Tafel_008.html

7:12pm

my head HURTS! i am trying not to drink coke anymore. so i thought i was from caffeine withdrawal so i made some coffee and took aspirin, but that did not help! so finally i went and broke down and bought a diet coke.
i hope it makes it go away. it hurts so much! gah. why?
all the muscles in my neck and back are in knots and KILL.
i need a massage!
ow, i just took some excredrin now, too, even tho it's nighttime. farrrrg.
my jaw even hurts.
i'm sort of half watching big brother.
jason is out with his former band but should be home soon.
i really wanted to do something else tonight rather than just watch tv, since i have been watching way too much tv, but my head hurts too much to do anything else.
at least i went for a walk today when i went to the drugstore. it's really nice that it's not so hot outside.
jason's work is having a company get together at a twins game on sunday.
i am going to go with him, in support. i did not have that bad of a time at that saints game a few months ago.
i hope i can deal with it. a twins game is way huger than a saints game.
ya, i can deal.
the dogs are spazzing, i am going to go play with them.


4:24pm

tassy!

4:14pm

 

pimpjuice, made from freshly squeezed pimps.
pimpjuice wallpaper (i guess you drink pimp juice from a ridiculously large "bling bling" goblet , that's nelly, the "creator" of "pimpjuice")
http://www.letitloose.com/images/desktops/pjroom_1024x768.jpg

this photo of a "pimpjuice" party has photos of women's butts that say "let it loose" on them (the pimpjuice slogan)
http://www.letitloose.com/album/Las%20Vegas/girls_butts.jpg
but it kind of reminds me of ummm....something unpleasant.
like i've heard when you snort cocaine it can make you have to run to the bathroom and "let it loose", if you catch my drift.
ya, real pleasant.

you can even go see the frickin' can in 3D in their site, in case you just need to see what a can looks like in 3D.
http://www.letitloose.com/whatshot.aspx#
wow, neat, a can. in 3D.
that's hot.

3:30pm

i'm back.
the prozac actually was not so expensive. thank god.
i only buy 15 tablets a month which comes to 19.00.
they are 20 mg tablets and i take take 1/2 of one a day.
i mean, they are stilll expensive at over $1 a pill, but it's only 15 pills, so i don't have to spend a fortune.
it seems i have a new generic i have not had before called fluoxetine.
maybe it was called that before, i don't remember. also it looks different, it's actually a hard pill, not a capsule.

i hope it helps me. i'm sure it will.
i just need a little something to help me get over this weird time i am going through.
i need to get back to my life.
and this has worked in the past. if it doesn't, well then, no big deal, i'm only out $19.00
and i can make it through without it. but i figure if i CAN have this help, why not have it.
i am just not one of those anti drug people.
i like to get on with my life and use whatever tools i have around me to do that.

although i certainly had a REALLY bad time with paxil, and i HIGHLY recommend that NONE of you EVER ever ever ever try that drug, because it will mess you up BIG time. that is the most evil horrid thing i have ever gone through, drugwise.i don't even know what that shit is, it's like some sort of "demonic posession" drug. i swear to god. when you are on it, it's fine. when you go off it, it's you are living in a hieronymous bosch painting come to life.

so, i just stick with xanax and prozac and i really have no desire to ever try anything else ever again after that experience.

i will probably go off of prozac by the time i see my doctor next.
maybe i'll just take it through the winter.
and then when spring comes, i will wean myself off xanax.
that is my plan.
if no other life catastrophes happen to me between now and then.
like my brother dying or something. :(

in other news, i bought a porn magazine today because my friend tassy from pinkgasm.com is in it. the magazine is called "genesis". i didn't knwo what kind of magazine it was (porn-wise) until after i bought it because it was in plastic so i could not see anything until after i bought it.
it's a pretty hardcore magazine, i guess like hustler or something.

i find porn magazines, in general, to be rather boring and depressing because i can tell everyone is just faking it and it's just this...junk food.
this one was no different. filled with 5 gazillion ads to call 1-800 SLUT etc. but tassy's "spread" (pun intended) was the coolest in there, by far. even if there was nothing revolutionary about the poses and facial expressions, it was cool to see a woman with pink hair and knowing her the tiny bit i know from LJ, i know she is a cool spiritual person, and i think that came across a little bit, especially in the text that came with it.
i hope that mainstream people like it and then go to their site and get their minds opened more. so i hope it brings tassy and her mission more success and exposure and abundance :)

you should have seen the looks on all the guys faces when i went into "the back room" to get the magazine. they looked quite confused.

+++

in other news, i bought jason a rose today and surprised him with it because he was kind of having a bad day. and i cheered him up some.
i love my man :)
he was kind enough to take me to the doctor today.

tonight he is getting together with his old band to discuss a possible..something.
they were recently "discovered" again by a guy in england who wants to use one of their songs for his film! and he is actually going to fly the whole band out for the a film festival!
i really want to go with, but i have to come up with $ for a passport again, plus pay my own way, and i don't know if i can come up with the $. but i am so excited for jason :)

 

1:34pm

ana2 member chat

maybe we should have a night where we have an ana2 members webchat?
who would be up for that?
if you would like to participate, go download mirc for PC or ircle for MAC.
i think it's just www.mirc.com to download mirc.
for mac, i don't know. probably just ircle.com
or go to download.com.
what time works best for everyone?
what day?
suggestions?
maybe we should make it a weekly thing?
or maybe just have another chatroom again like in the old days.
i kind of miss it.

12:57pm

the doctors visit went fine.
it's always hard to summarize everything that went on with me in the last 6 months into 20 minutes.
it's emotional.
i see him again in 6 months. it will be march! so weird to think that it will be spring when i see him again and it's not even winter yet.
i stay on all my current meds. amitriptyline for my migraines, of course.
and then the xanax. but i also asked to be put on a low dose of prozac (10mg) because i am having a hard time rising above my situation right now and staying more "even", emotionally, and getting motivated to do my life, as you have witnessed from me avoiding the cam lately. prozac is the only thing that really works for me and that i like because it doesn't make me into a space case and i have absolutely no withdrawal from it ever. i can go off it cold turkey with no ill effects whatsover. it does make me talk in my sleep, tho.
the only bad thing about prozaz is it is so damned expensive. so, add that to the list of this expensive month, already.
i'm going to go walk to the drug store now and get all my prescriptions.
i'm glad that is over with now and i have my prescriptions and i can just get on with my life.
it was good to see my doctor and receive some validation about my feelings.
like when i told him that my dad had told me that my mom wanted to say something to me through him he totally understood that was stupid of my dad, right away.
also he agreed with me on my judgement not to tell my dad about my hospital visit.
so it was just good to get validation on these things and to know that what i am feeling is normal and that some of my decisions are good.
there is more to say about the whole thing but i am not really at liberty to discuss it.
but ya, it's just all intense. but i'm handling it reasonably well, i think.
and i'll be ok.
thank you for sticking by me even tho i have not been on cam much lately.
i swear i will make it up to you.
you knwo me, i just go through periods where i need to withdraw for a bit.
especially when my mom comes back into my life and i know she is nosing around, i know she is watching my cam, and it's just hard for me to be on it sometimes because i know she is watching me here and there and that just makes me feel vulnerable.
it was hard enough just putting some of the photos i did for nerve up in my lj, and talk about certain things that i know she would be disgusted at.
but i try to just keep being myself anyway and i try to not let her , even in her semi-silence, dictate my life and my creativity.

bah.
anyway blah blah blah.
life.

i'm going to go get my meds now.
then i'll be back soon.

11:11am

getting ready to go to the dr. (shrink) jason is taking me.
he just needs to update on how i am so i can continue getting my xanax.
i don't want to see him or talk to him and tell him about all the crap that has happened. last time i went to him it was to get him to write a note so from the court, in case i had to use it for for the restraining order, to show that her harrassment was afecting my ability to live my life and stay healthy. now i'm seeing him 6 months later. and i'm a lot better but i really don't want to have to explain to him my trip to the hospital that one stupid night, which i knwo he must know about because i think they contacted him because they asked me if i had a dr. i should have told them no, i didn't.
but obviously, i wasn't thinking clearly that night and didn't know that these people were not there to help me.
anyway. whatever. it's over it's done.
now i have to face my doctor about it and i'm not looking forward to it at all.
and i always feel rushed when i am in his office, because i am.
he sees so many people. he is not a therapist so i dont go there to "work through" anything.
he just accesses my mental state and then gives me drugs to accomodate my needs.

he's a good guy, tho. he looks just like john denver.
like a cross between john denver and the psychiatrist from twin peaks.

i can't wait til i am home. i hope it doesn't take long.
*nervous*

+++

Horoscope for Aries (September 16 2005)

A sudden financial change is looking positive. Position yourself to be on the receiving end and be gracious in accepting your good fortune. You must participate in order to have things happen.


and

Maximum restraint
During this time you are touchy and unsure of yourself, and so you are easily hurt or insulted, or you tend to be hurtful yourself - there may be triggers for these situations but in reality no obvious cause. Maximum restraint is called for in interpersonal interactions. You should really treat everyone with kid gloves to avoid doing harm to your relationships or to yourself. If you are already in dispute with someone, you should try to avoid this person at this time. Whatever it is about, an argument or difference of opinion that you want to settle or continue during this time, it would only lead mutual hurt.

and

You might try to say what you mean, but how you say it can impact the course of events. It's not that you are purposefully trying to mislead anyone. It's just that you can get tangled up in your own words today as you try to make your motives clear. It may be better to just do whatever you intend and don't try to explain yourself until later.