september 15th, 2005
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watched survivor. i swear it gets harder each season.
i feel better now that i dodn't try out because there is no way i would survive this one.
the 1st 24 hours was an 11 hour treck through the jungle in super high humidity, poisonous snakes and crocodiles, all the while carrying many pounds of supplies.
all the strongest men, by the end, were throwing up, cramping up, one ripped a muscle, one's eyes were rolling up in his head and he looked like he was going to have a seizure.
no thank you!
i am really glad to not be on this survivor! holy crap!

11:46pm

i wrote my thoughts on locke from lost in my LJ.

tomorrow i get up at 10:30am because at noon i have a doctor's appointment.
i hate going to the doctor.
i'm nervous.

5:34pm

all day today i am just thinking about other people's lives to avoid thinking about my own.
boiling some potatoes.
then a bath. then to the store for some cokes.
then to watch the last 3 episodes of Lost.

then...back to MY life.

jennifer of jennicam msged me this morning at 8:30am.
wish i had been awake to talk to her.
glad she is still alive and kicking :)

12:53pm

stupid weird dreams. but not as bad as the ones earlier this week.
this time i was hanging out at the ocean with j.d. fortune, who has been my most hated contestant on rockstar inxs, because he is such an egotistial insecure egghead of an elvis impersonator, who i think, weirdly, is actually going to win the damn thing because inxs seem to like his "bad boy" image. *barf*.
anyway, i guess i don't hate j.d. so much after that dream. we were both trying to get our courage up to jump off this cliff into the ocean. i was the one who was leading. he was afraid of heights.
then i started to get chicken, too.
then his mom was there, and she was greek and she started dissing my hair, which pissed me off.


just one more episode. what i wonder is who they pick...how will gel with the band AFTER the show is over?
i would love to be a fly on the wall.
i think INXS made the hugest mistake when they eliminated Ty.
Ty was the ONE for that band. it's too bad they couldn't get past the fact that he was black. but he had it all, he was the total package.
(ok, i totally take that back. shows how much you can read into something and make snap judgements...i just read that they toured with terence trent d'arby for over a year!)
looks, voice, personality, strong and would be able to survive something as huge as INXS, just the right amount of compromise but not too much. place the man could SING! and had charisma.
he had it all damn.
i guess something better is waiting for Ty. he was too good for INXS.
and so is marty.
but then, what do i know from just watching a tv show?
pretty much nothing.
and i have NO idea whose these inxs guys are.
we never get to see their personalities much.
but i can tell there are a couple who seem a little immature and insecure (especially the guy with the beard who always wears the sunglasses INDOORS...ok, upon closer inspection i think he is the guy who wrote 90% of INXS's music. interesting! oh wait..maybe not..i'm not sure who is who...oh weird...are 3 of them brothers?? no wonder they look alike), so that is probably why they gravitate so much towards J.D. because JD is also a immature and insecure.

i think if INXS are smart they will pick mig.
mig seems to be the one who is the most positive and the best singer of the 3 left. he has staying power for a tour.
i love marty the very most, but i don't think he should be in INXS , i think he should do his own band.
he just is his own separate entity and should stay that way.
mig is just right, full of energy, can sing his ass off, is a nice person and will be able to get along well within a group.
marty only translates well live, when i go to listen to him sing without SEEING him, it just isn't as good. he has more charisma than you can shake a stick at, but it needs to translate into recording.

mig translates well live AND recording.
i don't understand why INXS hold it against mig so much that he has so much theater background. they always held that against Ty, too.
that was really stupid of them. they are very snobby about their "we're working class blokes", that they are shooting themselves in the foot. if they don't think JD is the most "theater" of them all, they are deluding themselves. i mean he was a freaking ELVIS impersonator for 3 years! hello?

i just can't get enough of analyzing groups of people and how they will get along and what each one brings to the table and just all that.
and speaking of, a new SURVIVOR on tonight! w00t!

but jason will tape it for me 'cause tonight we are going to make it through the last 3 episodes of Lost tonight!
then the next season starts next week!

i think these shows are like my drugs right now, keeping me sane and calm.

hey, it' s better than drinking too much or doing something else.
plus i get to use my brain to think about psychology, so i like that.

i'll shut up now about my tv shows :)

+++

and a new starry eyed up:
http://itsalllove.com/starry_eyed/starry_eyed.html

Horoscope for Aries (September 15 2005)

You are headed upward and are definitely more in control of your life. Support will be available. A business partnership will allow you greater creative freedom.

and

Dreaminess
This influence stimulates the imagination in a very positive way. Your sensitivity to and awareness of the subtler aspects of the world around you is greatly increased, and your intuition is much stronger than usual. Sometimes this influence accompanies a period of dreaminess, in which you spend much time fantasizing. In your contacts with people, you have a much clearer sense of what is going on in others' minds. If you can keep your perceptions straight in your head, you will be astonished by the insights about people that this influence can bring. However, during this time it is often difficult to keep your intuitions sorted out. Clear thinking is not one of your strong points today, and in fact you should try not to use your rational mind very much. Rely more on your inner senses and feelings.

and

Your key planet Mars is feeling his oats today as talkative Mercury hands him all the words he needs in order to justify whatever he wants to do. Like Mars, you can talk your way into anything now, but this is a gift that you shouldn't misuse. Don't try to turn this into a personal gain. You will receive the most benefits if you use your talents in the service of others.

+++

 

more stuff on lost:
do not read it if you haven't seen it, it contains spoilers:

jin..ashamed of his dad, which fucks up his life, then sun's dad fucks up his life.
reason he was on the plane: to do one last deed for sun's dad, and then get away from sun's dad.

sun...her dad is pretty evil and fucks up her husband.
reason on plane: she is with her husband, jin, who is on the plane because of her dad.

jack..fuct up alcoholic dad who kills himself
reason on plane: to go find his dad

hurley..when he won the money..where was his dad? it's seem the grandfather was more the dad, but he dies as the beginning to hurley's "curse"
reason on plane: the numbers

shannon and boone...raised by a nanny..where was the dad?
reason on plane: boone went to get shannon..in sort of a fathery fashion (and more)

locke...had an very bad evil dad
reason on plane: to go on a walkabout

walt...issues with getting to know his real dad, michael, his adoptive dad gives him up.
reason on plane: his adoptive dad gave him up, he's real dad comes to get him

michael...has a hard time being a dad to walt
reason on plane: to come get his son and finally get to be a dad

sawyer..dad kills his mom and then himself.
reason on plane: to avenge his father's death

kate..i have a feeling she was molested by her father...
reason on plane: was caught stealing a thing in a bank..and was being brought back to the usa to be put in jail.

charlie...tried to reunite his band but his brother is now a dad and so won't. and then on the island is kind of becoming a dad to claire's baby.
reason on plane: leaves because his brother (who was sort of a father figure) won't reunite the band because he is a dad

claire...abandoned by the father of her child
reason on plane: to give her child up for adoption because the father of her child abandoned her

so all these reasons, in a roundabout way, ended up being the reasons they were on the plane.

sayid...i have no idea about his dad, i don't seem to see any mother or father issue with him yet.
reason on plane: he delayed his trip one day so his friend, who he betrayed could have a proper burial

there are also mother issues:

jacks' mother sided with his father and sent jack off to get his dad, but main focal point is the dad
hurley's mom is a nag
shannon and boone, and where was the mom?
locke's mom...totally evil, too, but the main focal point was the dad.
walt...his mom dies..but the main focal point is his real dad and adoptive dad.
michael..the mom won't let him see his son, but the real focal point was that he was not allowed to be a father.
claire...was going to give up her baby for adoption..but because the dad of the baby abandoned her. but now is scared to be a mom (and that IS a focal point)
the french woman...looking for her child..

and now...these people must deal with big ol' mother earth!
and 'the island" will show them the way...(according to locke)
and "the hatch" is very womblike. it's not a monolith like 2001, a space odessey, which was very male. but it's a manmade womb, with the cursed numbers on it.

anyway..i thought all these dad issues were an interesting and common thread.
there was even an episode called "all the best cowboy's have daddy issues"

so there are all these patriarchal and matriarchal issues going on (i guess as with life everywhere)
and man vs. nature.

also a lot of issues with no one really having a home, they wander.
everyone is either moving or on the run. hurley buys his mom a new home and it starts on fire.
claire just get her 1st apartment and is trying to settle in, then her boyfriend leaves her and her "home"/family is ruined. kate has no home and is on the run. walt is also sick of moving around and does not have a home.
sayid moves from place to place trying to find nadia,
the french woman loses everything and her home and then has to abandon her home on the island because sayid finds it.
shannon seems to move a lot and have no home.
everyone is all sort of without a real family or a home and they are all in search of home.
of curse, on the island, they REALLY have no home or family.
but finally, because no one is being rescued, those on the run cannot run anymore.
and bonds MUST be formed and families are starting to be created. and the island is their home now, even if some do not want to admit it.
locke has no family, and even locke's dad said he tried to do the "family thing" but it didn't "stick".

+++

i have 3 more episodes to watch and then i'll be done with the 1st season.
so don't tell me anything about the last 3 episodes of the 1st season

ya i know i know i know!
i like thinkiing about this show :)
so sue me! :)
it's complex and i love thinking about it from all the different angles.

i guess all the good shows i like revolve around "what is home", "what is family".
and about commitment and letting go.
and the balance between light and dark, yin and yang, patriarchal and matriarchal, and the balance of all these inside and outside of each of us and how we are all on these personal journeys.
and that strikes a chord in me.

which is why i love six feet under and the sopranos so much , too, because they also touch on many of these same issues.

+++

update:

i'm all caught up with lost now.
here is my theory about locke:

locke was on the right path before. he was in tune with the island, but then he made a serious mistake,
he mistook the hatch as OF the island, which it is NOT. it is a manmade structure. and it has the cursed numbers on it.
locke becomes obessed with it to the point that he lies, betrays, stops hunting for food.
when locke was given the vision of the downed plane as vision from the island , and he was certain that this plane would contain in it the way to unlock the hatch. but all it contained was ceramic virgin mary's filled with heroin/junk and boone died.
also the people who had driven that plane also died and were false priests, they were just drug smugglers.
the island was trying to tell locke that the hatch was no good, filled with JUNK, and that the hatch was like a drug to him. and when locke 1st arrived to the island he was given the miracle of his legs being functional again, and then as he started to become obsessed with the hatch...his legs started to become paralyzed again. and locke said " the island gave me something but now it's taking it away again and i don't understand why..."
boone was even killed because of locke's obsession.
locke was, in a way, now on the wrong path, worshipping a false god, false idols.
before locke was contributing to the community in a good way, and now because of the hatch, he isn't providing food anymore, he's betraying people and getting people killed and people don't trust him anymore. he has even wrongly convinced himself that boone's death was "a sacrifice" that the island needed to have, to hide his feelings of guilt.

oh ya, and when he has the vision of the plane, and boone covered in blood, and for a brief second you see locke's mother, who had betrayed him. she pointed up.
then it was locke who pointed up, as his mother did in the vision, and told boone to go up to the plane, which ended in his death. locke should have known it would end in boone's death because #1 boone was covered in blood in the vision and was saying "teresa falling up the stairs, teresa falling down the stairs" which was a reference to boone's nanny dying of a broken neck. and boone told locke this. but locke ignored it.

when he 1st looked into the monsters face and proclaimed it 'the most beautiful thing he had ever seen", it was because he was on the right path (in tune with the island/nature/himself)...but now that he is on the wrong path (obsessed with a false "god, this manmade object), he saw the monster and he had a look of terror in his eyes.
because, i think, the monster reflects back into you what you have in you.

anyway, that's my theory about locke right now and what he is going through.