september 14th, 2005
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7:33pm

more weird connection between Lost and my life right now..
is everyone on that island seems to have horrible painful issues regarding their dads or being a dad. (and some also with their mother's and being a mother)

it's interesting how sometimes what i watch on tv mirrors my own life.

i guess if i create my own reality, what i watch on tv i have also created, in a weird twist.

i remember when i used to watch oprah a lot more, almost every single day, whatever it was she was talking about somehow mirrored my own life. it was weird like that.

things always seem to be that way for me.
there is my waking life, my dream life and then the things i watch on tv which somehow make up the trinity of my immediate existence.

many of thse same issues.

...

i don't know. maybe i am being to hard on my dad, myself, my mom...my brother. i just don't know.
no one can be perfect. but it just SEEMS like people don't try hard enough sometimes. including me.
we're such selfish lazy complcent creatures sometimes. and it seems the only thing that makes us evolve, sometimes, is a good swift kick in the nuts.

why is that?

i don't know why my family takes me for granted.
it just seems to be the case of 'the squeaky wheel gets the grease".
and i just refuse to play that game with them.
sure i could play it.
i have lots i could tell them to freak them out to get them to pay attention to me.
my mom is always telling me how what i do to her makes her sick and that she could die or almost has died, my brother is almost always on the verge of death...
my dad suffers his own sort of weird death wish. and he had his skin cancer scare.

i never tell my family about my brushes with death, tho.
i guess mostly because they are humiliating and i brought them on myself and i don't want to worry them.
but so many times i could have died.
and i'm not going to die so i can "show them" so that in death thye finally see me.
that's ridiculous, too.
i don't want them to pay attention to me because i could die, just like them, at any time.
i just want them to pay attention to me because i did something LOVELY that they LIKED and they NOTICED, all on their own.
i don't want to have to scream it.
my mom actyally came to see me play in my band a few times, and that was really nice. my dad, in all the 11 years i was in the blue up? and the years after that never once saw me play live.
and even when i was on VIBE, my 1st ever national tv show, debuting my single....both my parents FORGOT to watch.
can you believe that?

it's not like i am sitting over here being some sort of wallflower.
i'm quite visible doing a lot of very interesting things.
on TV, no less. and major media sometimes.

it's just weird.
no, i'm not going to play "the squeaky wheel gets the grease" game.
i'm not going to "drama queen" them into noticing what i have done with my life. they will just have to notice me by what i create, not by what drama i cause.

if they don't want to notice, then, that is just the way it is.
i'm not going to barge into their houses with a foghorn announcing my specialness.

maybe they do the best they can do.
who am i to say?
i am not them. all i can know is myself.
that is all.
and i cannot change them. all i can change is myself.

maybe i just don't want to be a part of that family anymore.
if we came in here, into the earth plane, as a team, to learn and grow and evolve, i feel they have let me down, in many respects.
or maybe it was "meant to be" this way.
maybe it was the best way to make me evolve, through this...weird..torture...whatever this is.
like the kicking in the nuts thing.

i just don't really know.
but i do know i am pretty sick of it now.
and i don't want t learn this way anymore.
i want to learn from happy things.
i want to learn in a joyful way.

things don't have to be this fuct up.
this whole soap opera i have been through with this family...
i just don't see how it had to be this way.
or maybe my vision of things is just as myopic as theirs.

all of us, we are all sort of "outsiders".
we all have something weird about us that doesn't "quite belong".
we could have banded together and supported each other about that, but instead pretty much everyone decided to avoid the obvious, except me, who decided to just BE myself as fully as i could and yes, there were consequences for those actions that weren't all that pretty.
but i was willing and am willing to always face up to those consequences because when you are right and true with YOURSELF, it gives you strength.
so ya, i lost my mom, i freak my dad out, i don't talk to my brother.
i get hatemail. some people think i am insane and some people think i am a whore, including members of my own family

but i would not take it back. i would not take back being ME and exploring myself and my capabilities to their fullest potential, which i have been slacking on lately, it feels like.

but ya i guess i try my best at the time...maybe...
or maybe that is just some cop out statement i have been fed and learned to believe because it's widely accepted and ok with almost everyone on the planet to just "slide by".

sometimes i am just exhausted, you know?
and it's hard to do things by myself.
but the other saying about making soft metal into steel and yada yada yada. maybe that is true.

anyway...enough thinking for today.
i wish i could just shut my brain off right now.

i envy my grandfather on my dad's side.
he owned LAND. prime land in the heart of this state.
prime land for growing anything and everything, just about.
there was a house, and a barn, and cattle, and chickens, and wild cats.

how did this land just slip out of our families hands?
like my piano...but this is huger because is freaking acres of prime land.
i would love to be a farmer like my grandfather. i wish he was alive still so i could tell him this.
so i could just say *I* will be next in line to work this land, grandpa. show me the ropes.
show me how to grow corn and milk cows.
show me how to pay attention to the weather and to plants and animals.
tell me everything. i want to know all of it.

was this land, too, taken for granted?
was all the energy of the rest of the family interested in putting their energy into "banks that are bottomless holes?" instead of putting their energy into a sustainable future?
my dad's sister ran off never to be seen again.
and my dad puts his energy into "salvation" somewhere off in the next life instead of focusing on THIS life, here and now.
earth, my beautiful planet.

but my dad didn't want to be a farmer.
fair enough.
his life is his life. and he was probably pretty sick of farm life.
i can understand. getting up at the crack of dawn to feed cows.

it just seems a shame, in retrospect, that the only earth my dad now owns is his grave which he has already bought.
and really, you can't ever OWN earth, it owns YOU.
and there is only ONE plot left, after my dad, to be buried within the family there.
i guess that will go to my brother, as things look.

and i will just be buried...who the heck knows.
i don't have their last name anymore anyway.
and i'm just kind of done with this family.
maybe my dad's sister was, too.

who knows. i barely got to know her.
in the end, it really doesn't matter where you are buried anyway.

so...i guess that is that for today.
sorry to be so dire.
it's just stuff i have to work through,
and this is my way of working through it.

and i don't want my brother to die.
not like this. in this way, at least.
i feel like i am in some sort of nightmare. i'm trying not to care but i do. i feel helpless. i AM helpless to stop it.
my brother makes his choices.
and in the end, what WAS that..his life...what was that about?
only he knows.
i hope he got SOMETHING out of it. i hope there was some fun in there. i hope he doesn't die and then just go "fuck", i sure screwed up a life that could have been so cool.
i really had so much to offer the world but i didn't offer it, because i believed people when they told me i wasn't smart enough or capable enough. but if enough people tell you that, you start to believe it and it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.

i guess my brother was never given the LUXURY, i was given, to fend for himself and test his own strengths in his own way.
he was just told from the very beginning he had learning disabilities, and then what abilities he DID have, everyone ignored because they didn't see much use in it.

everyone just planned out my brother's life for him.
maybe being ignored in the way i have been was a blessing or a luxury in disguise. at least i made my life my own.
i had the painful luxury of learning how to stand on my own 2 feet.

it's such a weird complexity.

i just hope he had some fun in there.
i suppose *I* certainly didn't add much fun to his life.
but he didn't exactly add any to mine either.

 

5:13pm

finally heard back from nerve. they wrote:

"After careful consideration of your proposal, we have decided not to
hire you for a position at nerve. We don't think it is the right fit at
this time. Thanks so much for your hard work; we wish you continued luck
in your career."

bleh. whatever.

then got an email from my dad right after that.
my dad said he couldn't get into his email for a few days because of some password screw up thing.
he did not mention anything about what i wrote or how i was feeling or might be feeling.
he just said that he was very sad because my brother had another drinking episode and my dad fears he might not live much longer and so my dad is having a really difficult time with that, of course.
it's incredibly heartbreaking and tragic and i wonder if dad ever blames himself for my brother's condition since he decided to adopt a black child and raise him in an all white community in a time when that wasn't such a accepted thing. it's still not accepted. in fact, i hear it's a lot harder now for families that are white to adopt black children, maybe for this reason. i have no idea. there is no doubt in my mind that the white community my brother was raised in, wreaked havock on his psyche, even tho most people are "good" the bad people are very bad and have made my brother's life hell.
and then we think he might have been born with a touch of fetal alcohol syndrome, as well.
and then, i am the only one that notices this, but my brother is actually very smart and very psychic.
and i think he started to drink to drown out the pain of what he was feeling off other people about him being black.
but that was my brother's DECISION.
and so...
it's just tragic all around.
who is to blame? the individual, "society", the parents, or all 3?
all three i say.
it's totally fuct up and i guess i am both happy and sad that i have distanced myself from my brother, so that when his death happens, if it is before mine, i will not feel so much pain.
but i know i will feel pain anyway, because , even tho we are not blood related and i was never close to him nor ever even really liked him, my brother did and continues to play an important role in my life.
at least from the sheer fact that he ahs sucked the living energy out of both my parents (and they have sucked the living energy out of him...at least my mother has, imo)..and so...there hasn't been much energy left for me.
and that's just the way it is.
and i wonder if i would go to his funeral. and i just don't know really.
i guess i would go to console my dad, and that would be the reason.
and it would be living hell to see my mom. and i don't want to see her at my brother's FUNERAL of all fuct up places to have to deal with her.
and ya, my head would pretty much explode, and it's pretty much exploding right now about it.

so my dad said he took "a sad day" and went up to the lake and wrote in his jounal to get in touch with his feelings, as he admits he is not in touch with them at all.
and if he cannot be in touch with his feelings, how do i expect him to be in touch with mine?
same with my mom. she is so out of touch with herself she cannot even see straight.

and so that must be why, in huge part, i became such an avid journaler and started my cam because the people in my life have such distorted realities that i felt like *I* was the one going crazy when they would mirror back to me all these nonsensical things. i just needed a way i could validly document "reality" so that i had something to hold on to. so that i could look back on my words and SEE and READ that i was not the crazy one.
that these things really did HAPPEN and it wasn't all in my head.
and that i wasn't invisible and that i existed , separate from these people.

the music industry just compounded the problem, so i started my cam to "show them who i am for REAL"

then i realized years later that all i was doing was setting up a huge mirror for the entire WORLD to project in me.
it would seem, all i am, is one giant pool of water.
if i didn't have the resolve to really look at myself and be honest with myself in all respects and do this documentation, i would indeed, just be LOST.
which is hilarious i am so into that show right now.

anyway, i am sad that my dad is sad. sad about my brother (no mention of me AT ALL)
and i feel seriously disgusted at myself that i am pissed off that my dad doesn't SEE ME in the midst of my brother's obvious slow suicide.
like WHO AM I to say "what about ME??" in a time such as that?
am i SELFISH for wanting my dad to at least ACKNOWLEDGE what i wrote to him in my email???

so my dad is in pain and i guess he has no room for any more. he is full to the brim.
but this is what i always THOUGHT was the case. and this is what i said to myself when i would feel bad that i wasn't getting the attention i felt that i needed from him.

but then...my dad brought my mother CUPCAKES on my birthday.
and i thought to myself, you fucking LIAR and BETRAYER.
you ARE capable of giving more you are just CHOOSING not to give it to me
because you are taking me for granted!

and i feel like my dad is playing the trick some dogs do when they pretend they have a limp leg in order to gain sympathy.
which is what my mom has always done with her gazillions of sicknesses she ALWAYS has.
how you can NEVER bring up any subject she feels uncomfortable about because it will make her blood pressure go up or 5 million other things. and *I* will cause her to have a heart attack or something.

well, i feel my dad is using this same fucking trick on me now.
and it's not really a TRICK, for real, because these ARE real things..real pains.
my dad IS in real pain about my brother and he really HAS gone through the wringer on that.
and then he chose his profession as a minister and so has to deal with his entire congregations pain, too.
and my mom's sicknesses ARE real. and sure enough she MIGHT have a stroke or something if i say the wrong thing at the wrong time.

but fucking a. i am the one who will call them on this. because it IS starting within themselves and they ARE using these "pains" as a way to keep me at a distance and to keep me silent because i AM the only one this this whole fricking family (BOTH SIDES) who will EVER speak "the truth" on stuff and call people out on their little mindfuck bullshit games which are all just traps of their OWN making, (just as much as MINE are, too).

and they don't fucking like that.
they don't like it when i say "i'm not putting up with that crap anymore. knock it off.".
because they don't even realize they are doing it!
they are so self unaware.

and then they will blame me, the messenger and say *I* am the one who is crazy.
or i'm being "too sensitive". and i have to learn to bottle up all my emotions when i am around them too, just to be able to function on their level without nuclear warheads going off.

well, i see that my dad is sad. and i understand he is in great pain over my brother.
but i am SORRY, i KNOW he has it in him to just have ACKNOWLEDGED ME and what i wrote to him in his friggin' EMAIL.

jeez, i'm not asking for much here. i'm not asking for his TIME, or a HUG, or ANYTHING.
how HARD can it be to just ACKNOWLEDGE me, too??
and just say a simple " i am sorry you are in pain, TOO"
or "i see you are upset, i am sorry about that."
or "sorry to have upset you"
or just ANYTHING.
maybe even one word like "bummer" or "sorry" or...just ANYTHING, ANY sort of acknowledgement that i SAID SOMETHING.
that words DID utter from my mouth, from my mind, and well, i guess he did say "got your latest email".
so there is THAT. uh, thanks.
but fuckin' a, i'm sure he has it in him to say a TINY bit more. if he has the energy in him to go drive to my mom's and give her cupcakes and console my MOM about the restraining order on MY birthday...he has it in him to give me something, too.

and the sad and tragic thing about this whole giving energy thing is *I* am the one who is NOT vampiric about energy in this family.
when you give ME energy it DOESN'T just disappear into a meaningless bottomless void of a soul, like it does the rest of my family.
giving energy to ME is like putting money in a BANK and it aquires INTEREST and you get BACK your energy you put in and ten fold times!
but no, everyone just wants to put their energy into bottomless pits that suck the living life out of them. it is NONSENSICAL.
it's like they WANT to stay in a state of pain that has to do with someone else so they can avoid GROWING as spiritual biengs and claiming their power.

fucking a, i guess that is what i am doing, too, in a way.
fuck that noise.
i stopped with my mom and now i am going to stop with my dad, too.
i'm going to try to go on the path now where i do not put any more energy into wanting or needing my dad either.
well, i guess i have been working on that for years, sadly.

my dad's thing...i'm just not fucking buying it anymore.
and it's hard to see my dad for how he truly is.
i really really hate doing it. because he is so "smart and good and kind".
because i know i put him on a pedestal like so many people do.
because he has "that way" about him.
he is like a really really cute dog with sad sad kind puppy dog eyes, and you just CAN'T be mean to him ever.
if you express any anger with him at all, he just rolls over on his belly completely submissive and plays dead and then YOU feel guilty for having yelled at a puppy.

well he ISN'T a puppy. he is a grown man who is CAPABLE of MORE.
and i'm just seriously sick of it.
off the pedestal my dad goes, in my mind.
i see he is caught up in manipulative games, too.
just of a different sort than my mom.
it's time for him to step up to the fucking plate and TRY to hit a ball. no more of his "sad puppy dog eyes jesus christ on a cross" routine. no more "oh, i am a sinner and i know i am not perfect, please forgive me" and no more "i'll pray about it".
fuck that shit dad, get off the cross and turn it into a bat because it's your time at homeplate now. so suck it up and start learning how to keep your eye on the ball.

i wish both my parents would just grow the fuck up.
just suck it up and DEAL with their "issues" so i didn't always have to get the short end of the stick time after time.
not to mention that THEIR lives are totally sucky and they have both missed on on LIFE in a BIG way because they have chosen to remain so blind.

but can they see how their LIFE CHOICES also effect OTHERS? like me or my brother?
did it EVER occur to them, when they decided to have children, that by THEIR CHOICE to not EVOLVE as COMPLETELY and CAPABLY as they had it within them that this was AFFECT the entire "family unit"?
in my mind, if you choose to have a child, you better be ready to step up to the plate of life with ALL your "faculties" and give it the best shot you have. don't wimp out and "hope for the best".
DO your best, BE your best.

did they try their best? fuck no. they did not.
they wimped out, imo.
and our fates STILL remain entertwined, much to my frustration, and i suppose to theirs as well.

and i do believe we all decided to reincarnate together as a family and that we all cose these roles before we were born.
but goddammit if this just isn't the biggest BITCH of a "lesson" or whatever it is were are working out here on this earth plane.

FUCK FUCK FUCK.

about this "trying your best thing" i will have to come back to that.
everyone always likes to console themselves that everyone is always trying their best.
i think this needs to be examined.
is EVERYONE ALWAYS trying their BEST?
i'm not so sure...
i'm not so sure *I* have always tried my best...

3:46pm

LOST

to get my mind off of things, i think about the show Lost.
last night i was up for hours, so so tired, but still did not want to stop trying to figure out what the numbers meant.
4 8 15 16 23 42.

the best theories i have heard so far, as to what they might mean is.

1. it has something to do with referencing the philidelphia experiment. which was a very bizarre government experiment with time travel back in the 40's and tesla was working on it with them. but then tesla dropped out in the early 40's because it upset him. go google it, it's very interesting.
but i think their were some missing ships in that.
and the numbers are april (april being 4) 8th, at 1516 hours and 23 seconds, in 1942, a pod that they "sent through time and space" disappeared. and that is what "the hatch" is. and "the others" are the missing people from that experiment.
http://www.crystalinks.com/montauk.html

oddly, and coincidentally, superman comics from april 8th, 1942 revolve around a sinking ship
http://boards.collectors-society.com/showflat.php?Cat=0&Board=comicgen&Number=494942&page=0&fpart=46

also sawyer is 1st reading "watership down", which is hilarious. and then (i missed this part) he is reading "a wrinkle in time".

2. it has something to do with the bible code and the message in the 1st bit of DNA, which some scholars have uncovered. someone on a forum somewhere thought to think of the hebrew letters that those numbers are the equivelent of. according to him, 15 and 16 make of the word "god", and 4 and 8 make up the word "one".
http://www.4815162342.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=994

which made me go hmmm! that sounds like the bible code!

i found out that the number 23 corresponds with "within"
http://www.aish.com/spirituality/kabbala101/Kabbalah_23_-_Malchut_The_Kingdom_Within.asp
or actually "the kingdom within"

so it says "one god within"
which the 1st message in our DNA says "God Eternal Within the Body"
book about this here:
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/1401902995/002-9313276-4672014?v=glance

and then 42....well, that could be (mostly likely, to me) a reference, a nod, to douglas adams. as "42" was the "answer to life, the universe and everything".

the chinese letters on boone's shirt also say "84".
the chinese necklace that claire wears says "love"
and maybe her baby is "the key".
or actually LOVE is the key. the key that gives us choice between good and evil, light or dark.
as locke keeps making references to light and dark.
and they all seem to be struggling with their light and dark sides on that island. and "the monster" shows itself to be light or dark, depending on what issues that person is dealing with.
locke seemed to see the monster "as the most beautiful thing he has ever seen"

and then speaking of nod...the land of nod.
which references the casting out us from the garden of eden to be cursed to wander. or something like that.
this island could be "the land of nod" which is "east of eden".
which could be why the numbers are "cursed", as we are cursed to never enter the garden of eden anymore. we have eaten of the fruit of the tree, the code. the knowledge. the knowledge that is within ourselves, our very DNA.

so those are the best theories, so far. as to what i think the numbers mean.

i also love the whole "pandoras's box" references.
a love how locke (does he hold the key?) worked at a box company.
it seems that hurley may have owned that company.
the man in tghe insane asylum said "you've opened the box!"
but in the story of pandora's box, the last thing left in the box was HOPE.
which lots of references to hope are made in the show.
sayid tells people to hold on to hope because that is all they have.

the hatch is yet another reference to pandora's box.
and is hope inside?
or really is it that we must look within for HOPE, "one god within?"
and not to some outside box.

like in the wizard of oz when glenda, the good witch, says to dorothy, your ability to go home was with you all along! after she goes on her entire trip to meet the wizard to she could finally get home..she finds out the wizard is just smoke and mirrors and has no answers. and he cannot send her home, he is inept. he is the material world.

the power was within dorothy all along, she just needed to click her ruby heels 3 times and say "there is no place like home".

now, i do not think that Lost, is taking place in a dream, or in someone's head.
i don't think they are all dead and in purgatory or some parellel dimension (which is why they are never rescued).
but MAYBE, if the numbers are referencing the philedelphia experiment and especially since sawyer was reading "a wrinkle in time". sawyer is also an interesting reference, perhaps, to tom sawyer.

and john locke is john locke , the philosopher and Rousseau , the french woman is also a referecne to a philsopher. who both had conflicting views on society:
http://locke-and-rousseau.com/
http://www.cooperativeindividualism.org/bernstein_on_locke.html

+++

jason and i are watching the 1st season on Lost on dvd from netflix, trying to catch up with everyone so we can watch the 2nd season.
we have made it up to the numbers episode.
so don't say anything to me about it past that, because i don't want to wreck the surprise for myself or jason. although i did , unfortunately, find a few spoilers by mistake last night as i was researching the numbers, which i wish i had not read!
we've been watching about 3 episodes a day....so we should be caught up soon.

ok, it helped me to write that and think about that show.
i have calmed down now and stopped crying.

 

2:55pm

my dad telling me that my mom asked him to request some things of me is still really bothering me, to the point that it is just wrecking my days and i feel like i am going to cry or scream whenever i think about it.
i still haven't heard back from my dad sent i sent him my last email, and i have to say that pisses me off even more, although i know the reason he is not writing me back is because he just doesn't know what to say or do and will avoid conflict at almost any cost.
but i argue with him in my head, as i am sitting here drinking coffee and boiling some corn on the cob,
"do you think this is some sort of game??"
they both don't take my restraining order seriously. otherwise my mom would not have violated it by contacting my dad to contact me. and my dad would KNOW how upsetting it is to me that it doesn't MATTER what she REQUESTED of me, it's the FACT that she VIOLATED her restraining order!
it doesn't matter if my dad DIDN'T tell me what she said. it matters that he told me that she violated her restraining order thus violating my boundaries and my fucking psyche and my emotional wellbeing, etc etc etc.
why can't my dad understand that???

some of you asked why my gun was taken away. well most of you know. but for those that don't i will say it again, in short form. after i got the restraining order on my mother, a few days later it was my birthday.
and for my birthday, my dad drove to my MOM'S house, which is not a short drive and gave HER cupcakes (they have been divorced for decades and are not particularily close).
i got a card and $50 cheque. but my mom was CONSOLED in PERSON and GIVEN CUPCAKES on MY birthday just a few days after i had gotten the restraining order on her.
and they reminisced about my birth. i found this out because my mom wrote about it in her LJ to really rub it in my face because she competes with my for my dad's attention.

my dad doesn't give me much attention. he never has. he just is rather distant, although i always thought we had a pretty good relationship, despite that fact. i learned that as long as i don't show emotions around him then we can get along really well.

well, i felt completely betrayed. because here i thought my dad wasn't capable of giving me any support, emotionally, but the truth of the amtter is he is totally capable he just chooses not to.
because here he was giving support to my mom on MY birthday and not to me.

my dad says he is not picking sides. but i know he leans more towards her, simply because my mom has put in the effort to give him her side of the story on it all, the entire time. whereas, i have spared my dad my side of the story. i just didn't want to whine to him about my mom because i know how much he hates that sort of thing.
so i didn't say ANYTHING, all the while my mom is playing my dad like a fiddle and giving him the full on sob story. so my dad just says to me "he doesn't know who to believe".
i tried to explain it to him the very few times he asked for explaining.
obviously, he didn't "get it". and i guess he probably never will.

anyway, so that day, i felt i had lost my dad, too, as well as my mom. and my dad was all i had left of my family, since my mom has turned her side of the family completely against me and everyone on my dad's side is now dead. so i only have my dad and that is all.

so when he gave my mom cupcakes on my birthday and when my mom rubbed it in my face like that.
i lost it.
and i drank a bottle of wine and became suicidal.
and i called 911 for help.
but instead of helping me, they came practically busting down my door like the SWAT team, put me in handcuffs, and then yelled at me if i had a gun, and in my drunken stupour and ignoranace i said "yes", and so they started tearing my place apart looking for it, and then they confinscated it, even tho it was nowhere near me and i had no intention of using it on myself or anyone else.
and then they didn't even let me put on a pair of shoes. and they took me to a hospital and stuck me in a cold room on a hard mat and basically ignored me except for the security guard who made it a point to make FUN of me.
just what i needed when i was feeling suicidal.
they finally let me go, gave me a banana, and chraged me over $1,000 for the ordeal.

and i just haven't had the energy to write a letter to the sheriff, by snail mail, to ask for my gun back.
which is fucking archaic. because it's obviously legally mine and registered in my name.
i just find that to be humiliating. and i can't deal with it.
so that is why i do not have my gun anymore.

i never told my dad that this happened. because he has enough to deal with my brother being an alcoholic and he is always in the hospital or getting arrested for something and my dad goes to al-anon for it now, finally.
so, i just could not bring it to tell my dad what a horrible effect it had on me that he gave my mom cupcakes on my birthday.
i DID call him on the phone a few days earlier, right after it happened, hysterically crying about it.
and he said he was sorry and said he did not realize. but i could tell that even after that he did not "get it" at all.
and the fact that he tells me my mom is trying to contact me through him further drives that point home that he doesn't "get it" as to what this does to me.

and i am so fucking pissed off and sad.
and i don't want to flip out on him and guilt him out or try to tell him my horrible sob story about my suicidal evening just to make him feel guilty. but i feel like maybe i SHOULD tell him so that he "GETS IT".
that is all i want. i just want him or my mom to GET IT and STOP IT.

but i just can't. i can't being myself to tell him.
because he is just so emotionally stunted, obviously, i think all this is going to do is make him feel guilty and then he still won't get it. i don't want him to HURT. i want him to UNDERSTAND.
how do i get him to understand?
i can't.

but i am just so goddamned angry.
now i am sitting here in tears.
i tried so hard to not let this affect me.
i try to shut it out and get on with my life.
but it seeps in all my cracks and like acid it tears away at me and diminishes me in a jelly like substance.

and maybe i should just call the cops and see if they will do something about this, so at least i feel like i am not helpless and to let her know there are consequences for her actions.
and i want to. but it's so draining. but this is draining more.

the only thing that really stops me is that if i do that it will hurt my dad, too.
and i don't want to hurt him.
but fucking a, if there are no consquences for hurting ME, then WHEN will it ever STOP?

of course i take full responsibility for MY actions.
i shouldn't have drank a bottle of wine in the fragile emotional condition i was in. and then listened to tortured music on top of it to furtherly wallow in my pain. that was stupid.
but i also take responsibility for cutting things out of my life that make me feel like that. and i have gone forward and done that, as much as i can. the restraining order.
i will not let anyone continue to treat me in that way.

i am so conflicted. i am so upset. and i am crying.
i don't know what to do.

and now i've made the corn on the cob and it's been sitting in the water too long and i am not hungry anymore , anyway.

1:37pm

look how small sebastian is without all his fur!

i had really awful dreams again.this time i had dreams that people i really loved and trusted were saying terrible things about me behind my back. the magazine had taken all my political views out of context and then my friends, one after the other had comments under that like "she's completely ignorant."
and then it was all published in a magazine.
i was so angry and humiliated that i took every copy of that magazine, before it made it out into stands, and threw them all in the dumpster. but i knew that would get me in trouble because it was 100,000 worth of magazines. still, i was just so humiliated, insulted and angry, i did it anyway.
i cried and cried because i was so hurt. the next day when i saw all my friends in school (i hate how i always dream i am back in school, blarg.) i told them to all never speak to me again. i had 2 or 3 years left of shool and i just decided to be totally badass about it and never speak to them ever ever again. i let me feelings known in one big burst and then i just shut up and never spoke or looked at them again.
i had a photoshoot and i went about it totally professionally, even tho i was hurting inside.
i wouldn't let them see they had affected me any more than just that one day.
i had HUGE fake fingernails on that were 6 inches long and were as sharp as razor blades.
i remember one person trying to talk to me and i slashed their face like catwoman and i told the rest of the people that if anyone spoke to me or fuct with me in any way, i would do the same to them, too, with no remorse.

i feel exhausted from this dream. i need to get outside today for walk for sure.
i have to get outside and get these cobwebs cleaned out of my soul.
i'm sick of waking up and feeling in a terrible mood and feeling like i am still stuck in my nightmares.

i feel stuck. i need to push through and out of this condition.

1:35pm

Horoscope for Aries (September 14 2005)

Get involved. Be a participant -- active and aggressive in going after your goals. You will get the help you need to follow through with your plans.

and

Temptations **
Valid during several months: Be careful that people whom you have to deal with at this time represent themselves truthfully. Others will probably try to deceive you and if they do, the results could be even more discouraging. Don't let your desire to have things your way cloud your ability to see what is really happening, especially with people. At the same time don't become involved in any devious action yourself. You are not likely to be especially lucky at such schemes, and you may not want to face the consequences in the future. During this time you may also have to face the unpleasant consequences of past actions that you would rather avoid. You will be greatly tempted to turn your back and pretend that they didn't happen.


The interpretation above is for your transit selected for today:
Mars Opposition Neptune
activity period from 11 September 2005 until beginning of February 2006.

and

You may feel uneasy with much of what happens today as you defend yourself against a hostile environment. It's important to understand, however, that things may not be as intense as they seem. If it feels like you are being pushed to a breaking point, try to change your perspective instead of changing the world.