september 11th, 2005
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1:45pm

that's coffee in the wine glass.
flowers, raspberries and basil from the farmer's market.
my messy desk.
and will i EVER finish that hat?
and a velvet hat from the 20's.

 

1:17pm

i can't remember my dreams very well. but i think some of them were actually good. like i had one where i was singing, and i just sang and sang this AMAZING thing that was so beautiful. it felt so good to have my VOICE back and release all that energy in me in that way.
i wish i could remember the melody. it was very complex.

i'm going over to jason's in a few minutes for some snuggling action :)

2:00am

september

i have had a "tradition" for over the last decade or so to listen to david sylvian's song "september" from his album "secrets of the beehive" which i bought on cassette at the garage sale of a gay man who i didn't know and whose boyfriend i would become roomates with for the next several years, unbeknownst to me , at the time.

dear jim antle, roomate, who has had a PROFOUND impact on my life. with lorna doone. thank you!
they were, both, 38 at the time and i thought that was SO OLD. but now, at age 39 and almost 40, i realize how old this really is and how YOUNG this is. jim antle and lorna doone shifted my paradigm. i owe them SO much for a multitude of reasons.
they taught me that age doesn't mean 'becoming your parents. they changed my life.
to fully explain their impact on me would take quite awhile...but the lessons were beautiful, painful deep, and everlasting. i would never trade it for anything else.

september brings this up for me because september, eons ago (but still close enough to make me cringe and soar) was the month i finally felt FREE from my second boyfrined, cris, the man/boy/BEAST i went out with for 4 years and who i loved deeply but who beat me up verbally and physically and almost killed me. complicated. stupid.
i was 22-26.
i finally broke free of him and you how you go through that period where you think you will die from the sorrow? but having been through that pain from my 1st boyfriend, who i also went out with for 4 years, and who also abused me....this time i had hope to survive it. and i did.

by the time september rolled around, i finally had reached that midway point when you finally feel and see the light at the end of the tunnel.
i would sit on lorna doone's porch on the 2nd floor, as she slumbered in a methadone "coma" and i would pace back and forth between my small bedroom and hers, to see if she was still breathing, expecting to discover her dead any second...
there are no words for this now.
just that pacing i did , watching her barely breathe and the thoughts that went through my mind are a story all their own.

but this was a time i had bought that cassette, "the secrets of the beehive" because i was a huge fan of the band "japan" . in high school i had made a pastel painting of mick karn and put it in my locker in school while most others had posters of reo speedwagon.

anyway, you know how a certain song can define a particular moment in your life?
like the smell of glue paste or play doh.
or the ink from a xerox machine or a typewriter ribbon....
hot pavement in summer, freshly mowed grass after rain...
the sound of trains , dandelions or newsprint...

this song...
it imprinted into me, tattouoing my insides.
that september.
fall came suddeny that year,
the leaves started turning colour early.

the lyric "sipping coke and playing games" just..entered into me. it's part of me now.
when i hear it i am transported back to that minute on that delapidated but precious porch.
lorna had some neglected flower boxes that grew there..
and a mannequin hand with blue finger nail polish was "planted" among the wilted gardenias.
as i listened to that song, on my walkman, i watched the hand, unmoving. like death among the dying but still alive. a body trying to break through pergatory...and me , finally free from my abuser (or so i thought). i felt hope.

but soon after, lorna's "boyfriend" stole my leather motorcycle jacket, $200 in cash (rent) and my $700 guitar (metallic cobalt blue rickenbacker 330)
so i took that hand and kept it for years afterwards. i felt justified, intellectually, but i knew it was wrong.

i wanted to "save it".
it seemed to be a hand reaching out from a grave...like me
and lorna seemed on the verge of death....
who would care for the hand?

i always felt guilty about it.

anyway back to the song...it's a marker each year to check in where i'm "at"
the last 2 years i haven't played it. i sing it in my mind and that was enough for me.

what it meant to me, originally, and still now is.....i am finally free, my destiny is mine.
each moment i CHOOSE.

it just imprinted in me one day like that as i was sitting there on her porch staring at that mannequin hand and i finally knew i could be ok (i was wrong).
the sun was hot, but the wind was cold. a sure sign of winter on it's way.

of course, life isn't a disney movie that can be wrapped up neatly, and even tho one may have a revelation, we still make really stupid mistakes that were maybe "meant to be" and maybe not. a few months later i would reconcile with the guy who beat me (because lorna's boyfriend was stealing EVERYTHING i owned, because he was a junkie with AIDS and i had to leave IMMEDIATELY).
not knowing what to do or where to go, i moved back in with my abuser and for one more year or so went on of abuse which almost killed me.
life is messy and confusing.

and then a decade later...sept 11th. and you all know that story...
and now...when i hear "september's here again" it now means that TOO.
9/11. imprinted. forever.

september is a very intense month.
goddamn september. beautiful bittersweet september. i embrace you.

it is a beautiful and sad month of transformation.

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The sun shines high above
The sounds of laughter
The birds swoop down upon
The crosses of old grey churches
We say that we’re in love
While secretly wishing for rain
Sipping coke and playing games

September’s here again

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now i hear david sylvian, who wrote that song, and ingrid are getting a divorce, allegedly.
they both collaborated with me on my song " i was waving at you"

i wonder where they are now and how they are and how september is treating them.

september's here again....

 

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http://www.anacam.com/fornerve/

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Horoscope for Aries (September 11 2005)

You have the discipline and the drive to take a creative idea and turn it into something great. The person you love will encourage you and contribute to your plans for the future.

and

Amorous thoughts
Today, you might notice that you feel a bit better than usual, and your mind will naturally turn to light subjects. This is not a very favorable time for any difficult mental work that requires great discipline. You feel like enjoying yourself and having a good time instead of making a significant effort. Be careful of being too concerned with yourself or self- indulgent at this time. You might be inclined to buy luxurious trinkets that you don't really need or otherwise squander your valuable and limited resources. On the positive side, you can use this time to tell someone that you love him or her. Although you may not feel like going into a melodramatic, heavy relationship, you do enjoy making another person feel happy about the two of you, and you may have very amorous thoughts.

and

Tensions in the air may be coming from an overlooked detail on your part. The resolution to the problem can be found, but you're going to have to dig deeply to find the answers. Then, you'll need to battle with the powers that be in order to do what you must to fix it. This sounds like a job for a superhero, but don't let that stop you. You'll enjoy the challenge once you get started.