september 10th, 2005
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it was a beautiful fucking day.
the last of summer.
i won't trivialize it by trying to explain it.
it was a moment.
a moment.
and now it's gone...

6:11pm

got anacam biz done.
was running behind.
took a xanax because the coffee made me so panicky.
now i feel better but i am SO tired.
i only got 6 hours of sleep so i am VERY sleepy now.
i'm running a bath and trying to get ready to go to this BBQ.
i don't at all feel social.

5:11pm

jason and i watched 4 more episodes of Lost.
i feel kind of sick today.
i had a terrible headache and didn't have any excedrin so i drank a huge cup of coffee. now my headache is gone but the coffee upset my stomache and made me feel panicky.
i wish this BBQ was not tonight.

1:22pm

grr. i wish my dad would just GET IT, too!
fuckin' a.
i hope he NEVER asks me again if i want to hear what my mom "requests" of me. i don't wanting to fucking hear about it. and he should know this because i have TOLD him this BEFORE!
farrrrrrg.

in happier news i went to the farmer's market today and bought sweet corn, beets, potatoes, fresh basil, and a whole slew of flowers.
i have 4 vases of them in my room.
this helps me get over my anger.
i will take pictures.

jason's over.
it's 90 degrees and very windy.
my window is howling.

at 7pm we go to a BBQ at jason's friend's house.
they are moving away so this will be the last time we see them for awhile.

1:19pm

PISSED OFF

an email i sent my dad just now:

no, i don't want to hear anything from mom. she knows darn well that it specfically says in her restraining order that she cannot contact me through a third party. i can't believe she is even trying that bull. it makes me so angry i could spit a mile.

she came into LJ again and let "everyone know" she was back by passively aggressively re-opening an old journal she had and then replying to a comment someone had made in that old journal months ago. the way that works, is that comments are emailed to you.
so i found out she was back.

she did it completely on purpose.
then she posted a bunch of crap in that journal aimed at me which shows me how much she has learned absolutely nothing from ANYTHING of this and she is still wallowing in her own crap which she did make, and blaming everyone else for it. it makes me sick.

then, thank god, she deleted that journal again.
but even with a restraining order she is still doing anything she can to make sure i hurt.

but at least this time when she did that horrid manipulative move, i didn't break down in tears and it didn't ruin my week, as it usually does, because i know that if she tries to contact me that i can call the cops and she will be arrested.

i just can't believe she is actually violating her restraining order by trying to contact me through you.
but people with narcissistic personality disorder don't think "the rules" apply to them.
they think they are above that somehow because they feel a false sense of entitlement.
so, it fits in with her mental disorder that she would try something like that.

but i think that if she tries it a little more, the cops showing up at her door and putting handcuffs on her should cure her of trying that anymore, at least for awhile.

i was just getting over my anger of her doing that LJ stunt a day ago, and now she is contacting you to get to me, too. this makes me so angry i cannot even express it in words.
she is such a selfish selfish selfish person. if she cared about me, for real, just one tiny tiny tiny bit, she would leave me the freak alone.

you can tell her that if she talks to you one more time to try and get you to tell me something, i'm calling the cops and she will be hauled off in handcuffs and put in a county jail for a few days and get slammed a hefty fine, at the very least. and i am completely serious about that.

i just cannot believe she cannot get it through her thick skull how much she has hurt me. and that she has hurt me SO much that i had to get a restraining order, for crying out loud. that was the hardest and most grueling thing i have ever had to do in my entire life.
and the fact that she would PERPETUATE my pain, even after THAT, completely shows to me how seriously disturbed and utterly self absorbed she is.

man, i am upset.
SHE has REQUESTS for me???
she has some nerve to think she has the right to request ANYTHING from me whatsoever.
she can take her requests and shove it where the sun doesn't shine.

sorry to end this on a negative note, but....i am upset. really upset.

2:47am

what i submitted to nerve, but nerve never got back to me about it!

http://www.anacam.com/fornerve/

that was my "test blog" i made for them.
not really sure why they didn't get back to me on it.
all i can imagine is either 1. i am too weird or 2. the person i was talking to was killed in a freak accident

i think what i did was quite good.
there you have it.

and so...i move onward with my life.
and i look forward to making more pictures and text like this for YOU! you like it, yes?
(this is the part where you say YES, to save my deflated ego)

2:44am

a few pictures i didn't submit to nerve, but i still really like:

+++

Horoscope for Aries (September 10 2005)

Opportunities will be made available to you. Don't sit back when you know you should be the one to lead. Short trips will lead to greater experience and better relationships.

and

Quiet hours
Valid during several weeks: This is usually a peaceful time, when you will enjoy quiet hours at home, either alone or entertaining guests and feeling at ease. Barring a contrary indication from another influence, this is usually a time when you feel neither self- assertive and outgoing, nor shy and withdrawn. You feel amiable in a quiet way and are fond of having congenial people around you. Redecorating is often undertaken under this influence. You want your home to be elegant or gay and light. Fortunately, you are usually quite sensitive and in tune with your inner feelings, so that your home decorating efforts should be satisfactory. Try to avoid the usual tendency to do things lavishly or expensively, and keep practical considerations in mind.


The interpretation above is for your transit selected for today:
Venus in the 4th House 4
activity period from 6 September 2005 until beginning of October 2005.

and

You cannot help it if your positive energy is so strong and you know everything will work out in the end. Even as you face a difficult issue now, eternal optimism overrides reality. The good news is that this can encourage you to take risks and do great things. The bad news comes from your detachment from reality. You will do best if you can see the potential without losing authenticity.