september 6th, 2005
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http://ana.livejournal.com/1619603.html

3:22pm

oprah's show about the hurricane is on in 40 minutes.
gonna watch it.

gonna go clean the kitchen a bit and myself.
then after oprah, go for a walk for an hour with jason.
want to get back into excercising.

2:44pm

called up petco today so sebastian could get a haircut and a bath...because to do ti myself is SUCH an ordeal.
he struggles everytime and i always end up cutting him by accident at some point.
but he has to have his rabies and distemper shots BEFORE they will give him a haircut. *sigh*
so i made an appointment for him to get these tomorrow at 3:30pm.
and then next tuesday he is getting a haircut.
that's 90 more bucks (60 for shots and 30 for haircut and bath)
but at least the wooket will be all clean and happy and be checked up for his health and all.
he is my caramel lovebeast.

and i paid my current electric bill of 60.76.

now i am all paid up on my most important bills.

and then i still have enough $ left over to pay my dr. bill on the 16th. and maybe maybe by a little food.

 

2:06pm

i've heard that a lot of people won't leave because they won't leave their pets behind.
is the government still really not letting anyone bring their pets with when they are "rescued" even now?
and if so WHY???

i couldn't leave my pets behind. so i totally understand people staying for that reason.
i couldn't just leave my pets in my house all by themselves to god knows what.
and i couldn't KILL them before i left. the thought of that is too horrific and not even an option i could ever consider or do!
it makes my heart shudder.

could you ever leave your pets behind?

1:04pm

paid my phone bill. $321.24
i don't know how it can get to be so much.
i don't even call anyone long distance. weird.
they have this creepy new robot system where you have to talk to the robot guy and he tries to sound like he is really talkiing back to you. he says "ok" at the beginning of each sentence in this really calm and nonchalant way.
it was just weird.

now i need to write janey that check for $937 or whatever it is i owe and get that off to them.
and then start my scramble to make ends meet for next month.
thank god there will be no more payments to janey to make.

i still have some more electric bill tp pay by the 16th.
and when i see my dr. on that day, too, i need to pay $120.

bills bills bills.

but i'm paying them...i am.

 

12:36pm

i feel better now.after i wrote that below i watched some missy elliott videos on launch.yahoo.com and that made me feel better. i'm getting my groove back bit by bit. moving on...

oo, they have some M.I.A. videos.
gonna watch those.
i need to dance more.

11:13am

i had a rotten sleep. tossed and turned.
had a terrible dream that was in charge of a fashion show but i bit off more than i could chew and it was an embarrassing fiasco.
in a last minute desperate attempt to dazzle and amaze at the grand finale i should my supernatural powers which consisted of levitating and doing a somersault in midair, zapping lightning bolts through my fingertips and setting a sign on the far wall on fire (by accident). but that was embarrassing, too, as it just showed someone trying to win over a crowd by macho theatrics that were meaningless. i was embarrassed for myself and apologized to everyone.
we were on the 19th floor and one of my favourite workers resigned from that department and moved to another floor in the building. but we agreed to still be friends a share a bus ride together to work.
god, it was just all so embarrassing, i STILL feel ashamed and embarrassed and it was "only a dream"
but i still feel this great sense of embarrassment and i just want to go hide.

no word from nerve. i feel in my gut they aren't going to hire me.
i felt that way since the beginning, and again, i don't knwo if it's because i felt i wouldn't get the job that i didn't get the job (creating my own reality) or if i just had this gut feeling because of intuition in that is was "meant to be" that way.

if i don't hear anything by them by tomorrow i'm just going to put the photos up here.

it's been way over a week.

it's hard to be rejected for something i feel i really excel at.
but you know, i've had a lot of success to and still manage to do this as my job. so that says something.

i am a different kind of "cool" than they are, i guess.
i never really fit in anywhere.
i make my own world.

i feel a little lost lately.
i actually crocheted a bit the other day.
still i feel i have lost my fire for it, and i don't know why.
maybe crochet served it's purpose for me and now it just has a different role in my life now. i'm not really sure where it fits in.
i'm not sure where ANYthing fits in to my life right now.

i don't feel very motivated right now or inspired.
but i think i'm being too hard on myself because i really have made some cool photos and put a lot of energy into writings.
i feel a little burnt out. and i don't like feel this way because i'm not out of deep water yet.

i think i've made enough money to finally pay my last $935 bill with janey , and i think i will pay my phoen bill today. i am mmnths behind so it's probably 300 bucks.

and then the scramble for the next month's bills begins.
it's so exhausting.
i can't wait to finally be in a safe place, financially, somehow.

and the summer is winding down, even tho it's still hot, i can feel it winding down and the days are getting shorter.
and in 7 months i will be 40.
and i don;t know why that number is such a big deal to me.
but it is. it's just a social construct.
but i feel it. and it freaks me.

and what was this year about?
i felt just DERAILED the entire year from getting that restraining order on my mom.

and although i am doing a lot better about that,
i'm not back to "my old self" and i don't know if i will ever be.
i am changed forever after something like that.

so maybe i just need to accept that and adjust instead of waiting for my "old self" to return.

everyday i wake up with a stomache ache and nerves.
jason and i are still working stuff out and that has a lot to do with it. tension and uncertainty and i hope and pray it passes with time.
i love him so much.

and taxes. taxes taxes taxes. i just have to get that done.
i am so overwhelmed by it.
i just need to DO it. everyday i wake up and think that thought 1st..and try to psyche myself into doing it.

maybe today iw ill start on it.
everyday i say that to myself.
i have to do it.
i just have to suck it up and do it.

i want all this ugly shit over and done with THIS year.
this has been a very hard and stressful year.

i want it all over with so i can be in a happier place and get back to creativity and feeling like i am "plugged in" to the source.

i feel disconnected and alone right now.

floaty and overwhelmed.

i knw i will survive it. i always do.
but fuck, i am exhausted.

and i need to get back to excercising, i think i've gained 5 pounds.
some of it might just be because i have my period.
but some i know is fat i've gained because i have been eating more and not moving much.

i feel so inbetween. neither here nor there.
and i need to get back to work on getting rid of things, too.
i said i would get rid of 1/2 my stuff this year, and i am far from that goal, even tho i DID get rid of quite a bit.

lots of concerts i am going to this month.
U2, M.I.A., akron family...

i'm totally out of incense. i need to get more.
i can't live with out it. it calms me down.

sebastian needs a hair cut and a bath.

my house needs a good top to bottom cleaning.

i hope i can get out for a walk today.
i need that very much.

+++

Horoscope for Aries (September 6 2005)

Your emotions will be hard to control today but, if you feel passionate about something, speak up so the issues can be resolved. Be tactful and you can massage any problems that arise.

and

A friendly place
This is a good time to enjoy yourself at home. Your most intimate and personal surroundings will give you the greatest pleasure and you will want to be with those who are closest and most important to you. This is a favorable time for entertaining at home, because today you have more ability than usual to make your house a friendly place where people will be happy. You feel content with this influence, not like conquering the world. It is a time to enjoy what is around you every day. You feel affectionate. Although this is usually a good influence, you should avoid overindulgence, especially in rich and sweet foods.

and

You could fall victim now to your interpretation of a particularly sticky situation, for you really want to believe the best about someone else. Unfortunately, your willingness to accept what others say can get you into trouble. If you can moderate your optimism, you will avoid setting yourself up for disappointment later.