september 5th, 2005
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happy birthday howief!!!!

11:13pm

wrote my dad an email back.
i hope he receives it well. everytime i email him i feel like i just freak him out.
and then...silence.

watching a show about orchids on pbs.
the hunting and risking of your life to find a new species.
stuff like that calms me.
i love the attention to detail...
the passion for something that almost untangible...
but there is something more...

it's weird.

 

9:16pm

just been hanging with jason, laying low and watching tv. he is so tired from the wedding. no sleep at all, basically.
now he is in bed.
i'm going through the vhs cassettes that fuzy gave me of independent movies and stuff.
watching this very interesting one about musicians who perform on the metro (the french under ground subway system) and how they got there.
so many people who speak 5 languages and have traveled all over the world and have had so much pain and sorrow and are so BRILLIANT!
from romania, bosnia, africa, south america...
it would be so cool to live in such a place that had people from all over the world within walking distance.
but i suppose i live around people from other countries, just not a lot. i told you the kid from russia bugs me, i have some indians who live on my floor but they look at me like i am dirt, for some reason, and so i do not talk to them, sadly.
they are just here to learn computer stuff and then they go back to india as workers for all the outsourcing, apparently.
there was a guy who worked at our fave restuarant that was from the phillipines and i DID get a lot of his story before he was gone.
other than that, pretty much everyone around here is american...ya, lots of different nationalities but still american.
people on in this documentary were talking about so many things, politically, and could switch between many languages with ease.
i envy that even that.
i am fascinated with france even more now that i see this side of it.

it's so frustrating being american.
i mean, for one thing, taking a second language is not require here and if you WANT to learn a second language you cannot just learn one automatically from school, anyway.
you only have to many "free" credits you can spare in school to go to the course you WANT to take.

i always wanted to take orchestra and french, but almost every single year, orchestra and french class would meet at the same HOUR.
so i had to pick one over the other and so i picked orchestra ( i playted the violin for 7 years but then sold it to buy my first 4 track so i could record my own music).

for one year i say in the french class 1 year either below me and then tried to excel at it, a year ahead, by myself, but i gave up because i had no one to pronounce anything for me.

i wish they would give free or really cheap language courses here.
i feel like such an idiot only knowing one language.

although the language i would pick now to learn would not be french but i actually find german to be more beautiful now, but mostly i think i would like to learn japanese or chinese.

but jason still wants to learn french because it seems to be the most popular language besides english (or spanish).
so i would probably learn that because i aleady know extremely basic french and with jason i would have someone to practice it with.

i wish i could speak all languages.
there is a person from belgium who emails me french stuff here and there, just one or two sentences. and then i put them through the alta vista translator to try and understand them. and then i write back very rudimentary french. very basic sentences. like "thank you very much" and stuff.

language is really fascinating to me.
and i love to find the basic roots and meaning to things and see the common thread.

and i love people's stories.
everyone has 1 or 2 or 5 or 10.
i can get stories out of people.
i love that.
i would love to be a documentary filmmaker.

maybe that will be my next life.
or next project.

my dad wrote me an email today.
i haven't talked to him in AGES.

he said my brother had a relapse (alcoholism)
and moved from the town of 20,000 (too urban for him) back to the little town he has lived in for ages for 3,000 people, 98% white (he is black...but not really his skin is black but he is actually white...i am actually the black one although my skin is white...it is a funny little trick of some sort. haha. )

he is 5 years younger than i am but i don't think he will live much longer, i fear.
we've never been close but it still hurts.

i wrote a bunch of other stuff but erased it now.
blah blah blah.
everyone has these stories to to tell about their families.

i wonder when i die, will i see my brother again or ever know him?
why was he in my life?
it is such an enigma, in a way.
but i think i am finally starting to make SOME sense of it.

i never know what to write my dad.
my family is full of secrets and no one is in any rush to figure any of it out except for me. so once a year, like a very patient detective, i might get one more piece to the puzzle, if i play my cards right.
i know i will never have all the pieces.
and i just have to live with that, i guess like everyone does.

but i don't know why it has to be this way.

 

3:13pm

jason is home :)
we are going to go out and see if we can find a restaurant that is open.

got my period.

trying to shift from the inward place i have been all weekend without him to being "here" with him.
we might just be at his house for tonight kind of staring off into space, both of us.

 

1:51pm

a seed.

i have been thinking more on how we create our own reality.
and the lessons to be learned from this disaster.

i already posted about this, to some extent about how we are powerful beings and how we have to realize that and claim it, reclaim it.

too much we give power our power away because we are lazy and complacent and we have forgotten that we DO have power.

for instance, we give our power away to the government, the "scientists" , "the experts", the media. we say "they will figure it out and tell us what to do and when". and when they don't and they fall through, we blame them. and to a great extent we can blame them, because they DID sit idly by and LET this happen.
they did. they really did. there is no way of getting around that.

at the same time, that is disempowering.
because if we don't like how we are being treated and we see accidents waiting to happen we DO have the power to change it WITHOUT them. you CANNOT just give your power away to incompetent people!
i mean you CAN, and people do...as we all have witnessed.

but if you don't like the way the government is running things and spending your money...then do something about it.
stop giving the government money. protest. go to jail over it.
what are they going to do...throw us ALL in jail? every single one of us?

if you don't want troops to go to iraq and want them here at home, then , as i have said all along amongst great controversy and violent reaction, for the love of god stop GOING to iraq.
i'm really fucking sick of people saying ANYONE is "forced" to go to iraq. or even how we are forced to pay taxes.
really? are we?
no one can make you walk if you dont want to. no one can write a cheque for you. no one can put a gun in your hand and make you shoot someone.
will you be killed over it? will you be thrown in jail for it?
will you lose everything you own and be bullied?
maybe! i don't know. and no one wants to be "1st".
because the 1st ones are the ones that do get fuct the most.

but we have been so hypnotized and brainwashed into believing that this material world is all there is. and we have forgotten that we are the hypnotists!
and then weirdly, and paradoxically, we treat the material world with utter disdain and we shit all over mother earth and ourselves. we have forgotten that the material and the spiritual are ONE and not separate things. there is just a total disconnection everywhere. i could go on and on about this.

but if everyone did it, then we wouldn't have this problem.
if we didn't like things the way they were, we would change them.
the truth is, it's working for "us" and as long as it continues to work for us, we will just sit here and not do anything "radical".

and i don't see anything radical being done soon or this kind of thought expanding anywhere very fast anytime soon.
the only place i see this kind of thought (radical thought) expanding is with "the terrorists" who are willing to die over what they believe in, that's how desperate a situation it is for them. but obviously, blowing yourself up and other people is NOT the solution either.
all that does it cause more pain. it doesn't make anything better or solve anything. it just spreads the fear and hate farther and wider and it grows like a monster, like a virus that infects us all.

we just don't like discomfort. and we'll do anything to keep things comfortable, even give our power away.
we have forgotton how to use our power.
and we WANT to forget, more likely, because it's much EASIER to just believe that the blame lies with someone else than it is to claim your power. because once you claim your power, you cannot bitch anymore. you have a responsibility then.
you have to DO something. and that is scary, isn't?
it's scary to have responsibility and be held accountable for your power.

and we have forgotten and WANT to forget how to connect to the earth.
we have become complacent. we want others to raise our food and ship it to us. and we want it pronto in neat microwavable "on the go" cute and friendly shapes and colours.

we are so disconnected from the source of ANYTHING.
even the source of ourselves.
this is such a narcissistic society, and by that word, i mean the true psychological meaning of the word. i don't mean we are "in love with ourselves", as in REAL love. (it's obvious we do NOT love ourselves at all), as so many people think of it. and i don't mean "vanity".
true narcissism is not about love but loathing and being in (false) love with some false ideal in a mirror, totally disconnected to your authentic being and power.

we see this played out the most in the way women (and children) are treated.
as merely extensions of our own fears and desires, and not as actual BEINGS who are separate from us.
and, we, women (i am speaking in GENERAL terms), we are the perfect mirror back.
and you can see the ramifications of this with eating disorders, cutting, and rape, and what we choose to wear or not to wear. etc etc.
our bodies our not ours, we have come to believe. society "speaks through" our bodies and "play out it's drama THROUGH our bodies, at the expense of our souls, all of our souls. because we are all connected. not disconnected.

so we have this weird disconnection going on yet, paradoxically, we cannot tell who we are because we cannot make the distinction between others and us.

a big instance of this is with america's "WE want democracy so YOU must, too." thing.
that would be the biggest example i can see right now. and we just cannot even COMPREHEND how this might not work for others or even be benificial. we can think of NO other way of being or thinking. we aren't even TRYING to think in different ways, that concept has hardly even entered mass consciousness that their might be OTHER ways for a society to find order within itself, beneficial.

i'm trying to think of a way to explain this, but i am having a hard time right now.
i'll try to write about that later. but look up narcissistic personality disorder and you start to get a clue that this depicts society and it's an epidemic.
here is an interesting article making an analogy between narcissists and 6 year old children:
http://www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/six.html

the problem with this is how to we wake people up from this state?
i really don't know. most people i have met in my life so far have a very hard time differentiating between themselves and others. they think that if they think the way they think, then everyone must think that way. if they are fine, then you are fine, if they are in pain, then you are in pain, too.
from my 8 years of having a cam and having millions of people from around the world "projecting their ideas of what i am which has nothing to do with me but it is who THEY are but they just can't seem to understan that"...i have been witness to this "projection" thing more than the average person. and it is something that still mystifies me. it seems that until it happens to THEM, "they" just don't "get it". i don't know of ay other way to speed up the "procedure" to empathy than just waiting around until good 'ol karma comes around.
and the general "psychological profle" of "generation Y" doesn't look good for free thinking and willingness to delay gratification.

we are spoiled children.
we are as lost on this earth without "our masters" as domesticated pets.
because we wanted it that way.

you know the old "sci fi" terror that your "plugged in totally computerized home" will malfunction, or worse, start working AGAINST you and think it is smarter than YOU are and it knows what is BEST for you, to your detriment, a la HAL in 2001, a space odyssey?

well, that is what is happening now.
our house/environment that we have made for our comfort and easiness is not only malfunctioning, it's decided that it's SMARTER than we are and it's making our decisions because we have let it for so long, and now when we tell it to stop, we can't. it's taken absolute control and it's killing us off. we don't know how to stop it.
we've let it make it's own programmes and subprogrammes that we know NOTHING about because we were too busy worrying about...whatever it is you worry about.

i don't know how to switch it off either.
i've thought about being "one of the 1st ones" to just say "stop"
and just stop feeding the machine (like stop paying taxes) and going to jail for it. i have really thought about this and i continue to think about it. and it scares me to even say this stuff outloud, because i DON'T want to go to jail "in vain".
and i think, then who will take care of my dogs?
and "is that fair to jason, my boyfriend?"

it's complicated.
but i think it's going to have to come to something like that to make this stop.

we have to stop keep feeding the machine.
but do i want to be 1st?
no, i don't.
i'm scared, too.
i'm really scared.

 

12:09pm

this morning i just figured out that today was labour day.
what exactly IS that celebrating? yay, we have jobs?
or yay we have a day OFF from our jobs?

wrote to the girl at nerve, but then realized she will probably not get it today as she is probably not at work.

i need to buy some cokes.
i'll probably have to go to SA as they are the only ones who will be open.

it's a hot and humid 88 degrees here today.

jason will be home in about 2 hours!

i saw on the news here that a bunch of New Orleans refugees are coming here. they are going to be in some old army barracks in red wing. the showers are communal (no privacy) and the even the toilets have NO stalls, no privacy at all!
tons of rotten looking little cots to sleep on lined up in too close together in grey dismal rooms :(

people on tv cheerfully blurting that we are going to give them a warm "minnesota welcome". ya cheers! here are some dismal army barracks for you with no privacy whatsoever! yay!

11:44am

Horoscope for Aries (September 5 2005)

There are many opportunities to make personal improvements in your life. An opportunity to travel to help someone will enable you to meet others with the drive and Good Samaritan attitude you share.

and

Commercial affairs
Valid during several days: At this time your attention naturally turns to whatever you value in life, whether it be material, intellectual or spiritual. You may have to define your sense of values to another person so that he or she knows where you stand on an issue. On the mundane level, this influence often signifies that you are much more concerned with business and commercial affairs than usual. This can cover a broad range of activity, from shopping much more than usual to entering into an important business negotiation. The important point here is that whatever you do in this area, you will put a great deal of planning and consideration into it, and transactions will be more important and elaborate than usual. As a result you should be able to make the situation work out the way you want.
The interpretation above is for your transit selected for today:
Mercury in the 2nd House 2
activity period from 3 September 2005 to 16 September 2005.

and

You are living in two worlds today. First, there is your mundane existence filled with the events of the day. Second, there is a parallel universe where you live out your adventures unbeknown to your friends and family. Be careful of your boundaries now, or someone may stumble onto your secret identity.