september 3rd, 2005
past anagrams	menu	utb

"hatred of americans

i am very frustrated how so much of the world now categorizes ALL americans into one little box in their mind and gets the people of america confused with the government of this country.

i hate how i am hated. as if i am part of this stupidity and madness and not doing anything to stop this fucktardary.
even back in the 80's when i went to england i felt it and i understood it. but let me tell you it SUCKS to be "one of the good ones" and get labeled immediately. it sucks for ANYONE being labeled and profiled. i fucking hate it. all my life i have had to deal with it.

i am very frustrated.

i understand the hatred towards america. or as it really should be phrased "america's fascist evil government".

but i am not going to hate ALL of it's people, just like i am NOT going to hate everyone in iraq or afghanistan or anywhere in the middle east just because the propoganda here tells me i should. i understood why some people cheered when the towers fell. i don't even hate THEM because i understand why they cheered. pain.

people are people everywhere.
there is good and bad everywhere.
and suffering is suffering and pain is pain.
death is death.
when someone's baby dies that is PAIN.
just sheer pain.

and until we ALL get that, nothing is going to be healed.
and that makes me very sad.

when the world is so calloused against america that it can watch america's people drown and starve and not care...
just as much as the western world can not care or feel disconnected from the suffering that happens daily in other parts of the world...then...it's just a very sad thing.
how does that make you a BETTER person that you can now treat americans as you have viewed "US" (as some sort of collective hive unit) treating "them" or "you", even?
how is this EVOLVING? how does this make a better PLANET? a better HUMAN RACE?
does becoming "like us" (disconnected from the rest of the planet) make YOU feel powerful and elite? because let me tell you it didn't work for US and it won't work for YOU.
i understand the urge to laugh as "our" bloated corpses float down a river and we are drowned and murdered and i even understand the urge to kill "us" and then parade us down the street with our heads on sticks.

but does that make YOU better to do that? to do what you have viewed US, as collective hive UNIT, have done? by becoming "US" will that make you better, stronger, more priviledged?, more EVOLVED? will it really solve ANYTHING? or are we just about to switch roles and play this whole sad story out yet AGAIN as the "ball of power" bounces from country to country?
when will someone use the power for GOOD? will it be YOU???
i understand that we, as a country, have a lot of bad karma coming to us.
but i don't think any country can wash it's hands of "bad deeds". and indeed, america is up there with the evilest of all evil, government-wise. i get that.
it seems the people just reincarnate around the world and we all trade places and be in each other's shoes, eventually. and i understand this must all be some big world lesson we are learning together, as painful as it is...

but it's still just very sad all around. i feel the world splitting apart more than ever.
and even tho i know things happen for a reason, i can't help but feel this way. because i am human.

i just hope that all this pain and suffering ends up making us all more empathetic , in the end, and not MORE callous and disconnected.

when the towers here were bombed, i understood the basic hate behind it, and so i've never been angry about it, just very very sad.

and what it did is just make me want to understand MORE, all of the earth and it's people and what was going on.

i never wanted to bomb anyone back.

i just wish the internet could really be a place where people from other countries could get together and seriously get to know each other rather than using it as a tool to draw more divides and disconnect more.
it has such potential because at least HERE we can talk without any media or agenda.

don't you get that this is a gift? and NOT a fucking TOY to fiddle with while you twiddle your thumbs at work picking your nose and either surfing for porn or shouting "NOT WORK SAFE LJ-CUT!" when you DO find a nipple?

at no other time on earth was this EVER possible. NEVER!
this has NEVER happened before!
not even a decade ago was this possible!

i am old enough to remember when the TV had THREE channels and they turned OFF at midnite.
there was ONE telephone and it was connected to a wall by a CORD that was 3 feet in length.
there was no call waiting or voice mail.
if you wanted ANY information you just better pray you live in a place that has a library and can order a BOOK.

now we have the internet!
and what do we do with it?
we flame, belittle, troll, spam, harrass, huddle, make cliques, and waggle our fingers at "the other"

i remember when the internet 1st started and i had about 10 million people a DAY staring at ME!
in my chatroom, i would have people from 15 or 20 "countries" at ONCE in my chatroom, and this was UNBELIEVABLE to me. and i thought THIS is a GREAT moment in history!
NEVER before has this happened! what will we all say? what will happen? what amazing things will we learn?
and do you know what happened?

all that happened is (mostly men) said "wave to me!" " show me your boobs!" "are you THE ana?" "are you real?"

YES! yes i AM real, and i AM here WAVING AT YOU! HELLO!!!!!!

you know why? because it wasn't COUNTRIES in my chatroom it was PEOPLE.
and people are people are people no matter where you go.
people, at their base level want to be SEEN BACK, they see YOU so they want YOU to see THEM.
this is what i have learned from camming.
WAVE THE FUCK BACK! how much effort can it be???

hello! i SEE you! i am TRYING to SEE you with all my MIGHT! but i am just ONE 5 foot tall girl in an apartment building in the freaking MIDDLE of the continent!
but hello hello hello!!!!

WHEN will this end?
i am sad.
i am very very very sad.
i really don't have words for it.
there is no word for it.

i understand the hatred and fear of americans, i DO!
but fuck...can you PLEASE just find it SOMEWHERE in you to look PAST the MEDIA?

can we just deal with people as people and not profiled by our government and news programmes?

can we just get PAST that SOMEHOW?
just a LITTLE bit?
can we find it within ourselves to not feel REVENGE and feel even a tiny bit GLEEFUL when we see the rotting bloated corpse of someone's mother or father or sister or brother "OF THE OTHER TEAM" floating down a river?

would that be possible at ALL? is THAT too much to ask?"

hatred of americans

i am very frustrated how so much of the world now categorizes ALL americans into one little box in their mind and gets the people of america confused with the government of this country.

i hate how i am hated. as if i am part of this stupidity and madness and not doing anything to stop this fucktardary.
even back in the 80's when i went to england i felt it and i understood it. but let me tell you it SUCKS to be "one of the good ones" and get labeled immediately. it sucks for ANYONE being labeled and profiled. i fucking hate it. all my life i have had to deal with it.

i am very frustrated.

i understand the hatred towards america. or as it really should be phrased "america's fascist evil government".

but i am not going to hate ALL of it's people, just like i am NOT going to hate everyone in iraq or afghanistan or anywhere in the middle east just because the propoganda here tells me i should. i understood why some people cheered when the towers fell. i don't even hate THEM because i understand why they cheered. pain.

people are people everywhere.
there is good and bad everywhere.
and suffering is suffering and pain is pain.
death is death.
when someone's baby dies that is PAIN.
just sheer pain.

and until we ALL get that, nothing is going to be healed.
and that makes me very sad.

when the world is so calloused against america that it can watch america's people drown and starve and not care...
just as much as the western world can not care or feel disconnected from the suffering that happens daily in other parts of the world...then...it's just a very sad thing.
how does that make you a BETTER person that you can now treat americans as you have viewed "US" (as some sort of collective hive unit) treating "them" or "you", even?
how is this EVOLVING? how does this make a better PLANET? a better HUMAN RACE?
does becoming "like us" (disconnected from the rest of the planet) make YOU feel powerful and elite? because let me tell you it didn't work for US and it won't work for YOU.
i understand the urge to laugh as "our" bloated corpses float down a river and we are drowned and murdered and i even understand the urge to kill "us" and then parade us down the street with our heads on sticks.

but does that make YOU better to do that? to do what you have viewed US, as collective hive UNIT, have done? by becoming "US" will that make you better, stronger, more priviledged?, more EVOLVED? will it really solve ANYTHING? or are we just about to switch roles and play this whole sad story out yet AGAIN as the "ball of power" bounces from country to country?
when will someone use the power for GOOD? will it be YOU???
i understand that we, as a country, have a lot of bad karma coming to us.
but i don't think any country can wash it's hands of "bad deeds". and indeed, america is up there with the evilest of all evil, government-wise. i get that.
it seems the people just reincarnate around the world and we all trade places and be in each other's shoes, eventually. and i understand this must all be some big world lesson we are learning together, as painful as it is...

but it's still just very sad all around. i feel the world splitting apart more than ever.
and even tho i know things happen for a reason, i can't help but feel this way. because i am human.

i just hope that all this pain and suffering ends up making us all more empathetic , in the end, and not MORE callous and disconnected.

when the towers here were bombed, i understood the basic hate behind it, and so i've never been angry about it, just very very sad.

and what it did is just make me want to understand MORE, all of the earth and it's people and what was going on.

i never wanted to bomb anyone back.

i just wish the internet could really be a place where people from other countries could get together and seriously get to know each other rather than using it as a tool to draw more divides and disconnect more.
it has such potential because at least HERE we can talk without any media or agenda.

don't you get that this is a gift? and NOT a fucking TOY to fiddle with while you twiddle your thumbs at work picking your nose and either surfing for porn or shouting "NOT WORK SAFE LJ-CUT!" when you DO find a nipple?

at no other time on earth was this EVER possible. NEVER!
this has NEVER happened before!
not even a decade ago was this possible!

i am old enough to remember when the TV had THREE channels and they turned OFF at midnite.
there was ONE telephone and it was connected to a wall by a CORD that was 3 feet in length.
there was no call waiting or voice mail.
if you wanted ANY information you just better pray you live in a place that has a library and can order a BOOK.

now we have the internet!
and what do we do with it?
we flame, belittle, troll, spam, harrass, huddle, make cliques, and waggle our fingers at "the other"

i remember when the internet 1st started and i had about 10 million people a DAY staring at ME!
in my chatroom, i would have people from 15 or 20 "countries" at ONCE in my chatroom, and this was UNBELIEVABLE to me. and i thought THIS is a GREAT moment in history!
NEVER before has this happened! what will we all say? what will happen? what amazing things will we learn?
and do you know what happened?

all that happened is (mostly men) said "wave to me!" " show me your boobs!" "are you THE ana?" "are you real?"

YES! yes i AM real, and i AM here WAVING AT YOU! HELLO!!!!!!

you know why? because it wasn't COUNTRIES in my chatroom it was PEOPLE.
and people are people are people no matter where you go.
people, at their base level want to be SEEN BACK, they see YOU so they want YOU to see THEM.
this is what i have learned from camming.
WAVE THE FUCK BACK! how much effort can it be???

hello! i SEE you! i am TRYING to SEE you with all my MIGHT! but i am just ONE 5 foot tall girl in an apartment building in the freaking MIDDLE of the continent!
but hello hello hello!!!!

WHEN will this end?
i am sad.
i am very very very sad.
i really don't have words for it.
there is no word for it.

i understand the hatred and fear of americans, i DO!
but fuck...can you PLEASE just find it SOMEWHERE in you to look PAST the MEDIA?

can we just deal with people as people and not profiled by our government and news programmes?

can we just get PAST that SOMEHOW?
just a LITTLE bit?
can we find it within ourselves to not feel REVENGE and feel even a tiny bit GLEEFUL when we see the rotting bloated corpse of someone's mother or father or sister or brother "OF THE OTHER TEAM" floating down a river?

would that be possible at ALL? is THAT too much to ask?

http://www.livejournal.com/users/notnownotever/27157.html

my friends...my friends say THIS to me....

and so fuck humans.... what about the ANIMALS? the MAGNOLIA TREES?
do they count for NOTHING?

8:30pm

man, it just stopped raining finally but another is on the way with 1.5" hail maybe.
eek.
still, so am SO glad i live in minnesota and i have a home!
i feel really really lucky.

still no word from jason about his mom, tho :(

7:34pm

the hurricane must have made it up here now, as a thunderstorm.
it's just raining, lightning, thundering for hours now.
the dogs squish into me for comfort.
i made some kettle corn.
(i want salt and sugar as i am PMS girl!)

meanwhile jason, in ohio, went to rehearsal dinner, but his mom had to go to the emergency room because she accidentally ate some raspberries which were in her salad and she is very allergic to them :(
so i am just waiting to here what happened with that and how she is.
:(

 

5:47pm

thunder and lightning.
just catching up on all the stuff i've been slacking behind on the last few days.
anacam biz, cleaning, gonna scrounge up some food now, probably a tv dinner.
emails, lj...just the daily stuff...
the dogs are barking at the thunder.
i still haven't quite settled down from my LJ posting fury.

i should stop looking at:

http://www.crooksandliars.com/

4:03pm

a bit about the recent cam show, whih i meant to write about.

usually i have no rhyme or reason to what i do (in the art process), at least i think i don't. and i usually do not like to talk about interpreting my stuff, usually. but this time i am.

i just move through things totally intuitively. i pick up scissors, i put on a sombero, i smoke a cigar, a smash a cake, a make a face, a write a word. i don't question it i just do it, as if i am living out some sort of dream in twin peaks that i will decipher later.
anyway...so here is a bit about what i wrote about my cam show to chabot under the bed:

"the black stuff was actually icing!
i didn't know icing came in black :)

and yes it was symbolic of garbage...and i did mean for it to get it mixed in with the cake.

but the cake also represented frivolous excess.

or like marie antoinette said when she was told her people were starving and had no bread , she said "then let them eat cake!"

it was about the excessive materialistic life we lead at the expense of others.

the happy clown at mcdonalds who serves you up death.

women's bodies sliced up like meat by the words and images in today's media.

but put on a happy happy face.
like the happy face that you see in the advertisements for walmart...or any place like that that feeds on the misery of others and slave labour in other counties like china and mexico, etc.

and ya, that all came out because of what i was watching on tv with the hurricane as i was baking my cake.

but it was about more than the poor people being terrorized and drowned and raped and killed and pillaged down south, but about all the people who are oppressed.

and the oppression of women and the rape of women, etc.
the sugary words "happiness" on a fake breast...soon turns to meanlingless garbligook as more letters are added (people talking blah blah blah).

and the cake symbolized "everything"
all of that.

and the clown told you mixed messages...

FUCK everything (the porn industry and industry in general that rapes our mother earth) DO everything (nike) BE everything (the army)

but it's all just a bunch of empty lies and black tar garbage mixed up with a bunch of sugary cake with sprinkles on top and a clown trying to sell it to you as "part of a balanced daily meal"

it was about the an exhausting process of excess, fakery and fuckery, trickery and nothingness
at the expense of the expendable people's bodies, lives , hearts, souls and minds."

but the clown was the government and media fucking with you, but also the clown became a victim of it's own trickery in the end, making fun of women and poor people and people different than you are, really just gets you all in the end, since we are all one.
putting women down and others down puts everyone down, because we are all connected.

but the clown never got this.
in the end, it pleaded to everything outside of itself to fix the situation, it pleaded to god, it bowed to those before it, and then rejected all of it, since it wasn't really HELP at all.
and then it made the sign of the devil on both hands, as a double hex, but the hex was turned inward upon the clown's own mind.
(but i didn't even realize i had done this until i went back and looked at the pictures)

help has to come from within.
the clown was in bondage to it's own web of ignorance and lies.
bloated and drunk on sugar, alcohol and cigarettes, it never came out of it's own fog and remained angry at outside forces, remaining a fool and a "fallguy".

maybe someday i will do a 2nd part to this where the clown empowers itself and realized that power comes from within.

but that night...that is what i "channeled' out of me from "the ether".

the message was, you are in bondage to you own deceptions and your excesses hurt you because we are all connected. you cannot do unto others without doing unto yourself.

actually, i felt a lot like that clown girl woman in the red dress and wearing a blue rose in the twin peaks movie...
and she is making all these bizarre gestures that means stuff.
i looked it up now and she was called "Lil the Dancer" i think.

ooo, a bigger pic:

http://perso.wanadoo.fr/twinpeaks/images/film/FWWM_028.jpg

from:

http://slantmagazine.com/film/film_review.asp?ID=435

"Off-putting, reductive, yet playfully vindictive, Fire Walk With Me's preface-within-a-preface Wild River scenes are Lynch's not-so-shit-faced response to his critics. Teresa Banks has just turned up dead and regional FBI chief Gordon Cole has Lil the Dance break down the language of clues for agents Chester Desmond and Adam Stanley. Lynch infiltrates his meta-narrative via Cole and pokes fun at his doppelganger Dale Cooper and his signature investigative method. The dancer's actions may mean nothing to anyone outside her Wild River ("Both eyes blinking means there is going to be trouble higher up"); for Lynch, though, this pantomime reinforces the importance of perception in spite of cryptic code work and the ludicrous jumps in logic his characters must make to even remotely fathom the horror of far-reaching outcomes and realities."

3:39pm

we're all very sleepy here now after everything.
jason has made it safely to ohio for the wedding of his cousin.
i think for the rest of the day i will take it easy now, as i have been a posting MANIAC.
well, no i have to clean a bit and then take it easy.

+++

 

i've just been posting in my LJ about the hurricane and all that.
i'm not going to copy it all into here except just this last one:

you are not powerless

so, when all is said and done.
what can be done?
does this make you
just want to throw your hands up in the air and give up?
is it just so much
information that you shut down?
that is exactly what they want you to
do.
they want you to believe you are powerless.
they want you to give up
and feel hopeless.

but that is because they have you SO focused on the
MATERIAL aspects of this world that you have forgotten you INNER
power.

the ONLY thing you can change is YOU. change comes from
WITHIN.

we ARE powerful beings.
and not to get all christian on your
ass (because i am not a christian but i believe jesus was a smart man), but what
really IMPORTANT metaphysical lesson was jesus TRYING to show us with the fishes
and the loaves thing?
remember he changed water into wine?
and he fed an
entire crowd with one fish and one loaf of bread?

he is saying WE CREATE
OUR OWN REALITY.

LITERALLY.

YOU have the POWER IN YOU to CREATE
YOUR OWN REALITY.

those people didn't need to rape and kill and pillage
in new orleans.
they did that because they did not BELIEVE in the power
within themselves.

the could not, as jesus did and showed his VERY HUMAN
disciples to do.... "walk on water"

i think we are being taught some
heavy lessons here on creating our own reality.
and do we want that reality
to be a heaven or a hell?

do we want to believe we are powerless and
worthless??
or do we want to CLAIM our rightful power within
ourselves?

stop looking OUTSIDE yourself for power and change.
the
change is WITHIN YOU.

it's NOT in the government, it's NOT in the red cross, it's NOT in MONEY or FOOD or ELECTRICITY...
it is in YOU!

anyway, i'm using christian analogies since that is what i was brought up with and what i know.
i'm sure there are the same analogies and stories in the other religions, as well!

oh! and the walls of jericho story!
they circled the city 7 times and the walls fell on faith alone or something?
or just trumpets?

which brought me to this christian site which talked about it and i repeat what they say here but i have taken the word "christian" out and replaced it with "human" and taken the word "satan" out and replaced it by "fear/ignorance" and the word "christ" is replaced by love. and "scripture" is replaces by "looking within ourselves".

my version:

"Besides the important history contained in the book of Joshua (and by looking within ourselves), there are some valuable spiritual lessons to be learned as well. There is the practical and devotional side to Joshua as well as the historical. The records of the battles that Israel fought contain spiritual principles for human warfare (i don't like that they used the word warfare so i am replacing it by PEACEfare). We know from looking within ourselves that we are involved in spiritual struggles with the "enemy of our souls" (Ephesians 6:11-17). "ignornace/fear" wants to keep us growing humans from enjoying the spiritual blessings which are available to us in Love. There really is love, joy, peace, rest, freedom, hope, security, and intimate fellowship (and whatever else you long for) to be experienced in the "promised land" of the human life. But "ignorance/fear" puts up his Jerichos to keep us "out of the land." The walls of doubt and discouragement and despair become major obstacles in the path of the human. A particular sin or hangup in the growing human's life can become a Jericho. The barriers seem insurmountable, and "ignorance/fear" laughs as we cringe in fear or are content to live "in the wilderness" of human experience. Are there any Jerichos in your life? The walls must fall!"

all my links to posts i made about the hurricane and more:
the mega post:

http://ana.livejournal.com/1616248.html
http://www.anacam.com/NO/Hannity-Colmes-Smith-Rivera-freak-in-NO.wmv
http://www.anacam.com/NO/Hannity-Colmes-Smith-Rivera-freak-in-NO.mov

http://ana.livejournal.com/1615967.html
http://ana.livejournal.com/1615702.html
http://ana.livejournal.com/1615490.html
http://ana.livejournal.com/1615300.html
http://ana.livejournal.com/1614947.html
http://ana.livejournal.com/1614627.html
http://ana.livejournal.com/1614361.html
http://ana.livejournal.com/1614227.html
http://ana.livejournal.com/1613935.html
http://ana.livejournal.com/1613628.html
http://ana.livejournal.com/1613418.html
http://ana.livejournal.com/1612573.html
http://ana.livejournal.com/1613144.html

3:15pm

Horoscope for Aries (September 3 2005)

Your ability to take something that is unfinished and turn it into something that works well will lead to bigger and better things. Offers are likely to come in that will leave you feeling a little uncertain. Don't decide quickly.

and

A fair shake
This is a favorable time for all kinds of mental work and communication with others. Now you are able to state your case forcefully before others if you have to. Any mental work requiring a broad overview of the situation is favored. This is also a favorable time for all kinds of group discussions and negotiations, at least from your point of view. Any kind of business negotiation will work out well because you can spell out all the requirements in detail. This is a good day for organizing yourself, another person or a group, again because of the clear-headedness indicated by this influence which will help you balance your own individual ego needs with those of others. They will feel that you are giving them a fair shake.

and

It's a day packed with an electric tension that lingers in the air like thick incense. You can't make it go away, but neither can you get used to it. Don't let the small things ruin an otherwise fine day. Be thankful for what you have. Mind your own business and follow through on your promises.