august 29th, 2005
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favourite toys:

what was your favourite childhood toy (when you were really young)?

what is your favourite toy now?

11:22pm

when i was in the tub today i remembered another dream that i had last night about how i was trying to get the guts up to learn to dive into a pool, but i just could not.
in real life , this is true. we had a swimming pool in our school and swimming was part of Phy-Ed class and it scared the living crap out of me. the pool was so chlorinated just walking into the room would sting my eyes and we were given these UGLY and i mean UGLY one piece bathing suits to wear that made us all look terrible. even tho they handed me the smallest size, it still hung on me like a horrible acrylic THING. i had no breasts and i was as skinny as a pencil.
there were 2 other girls who were just as "special" (terrified) as me at swimming and that was the fattest girl in my class and the geekiest girl in my class. so we would huddle together in one corner of the pool, shivering, feeling like complete loser rejects times infinity as all the more athletic girls mastered all the different types of strokes and all that stuff.
i would do ANYTHING to get out of swimming. i would start writing my own notes saying i couldn't swim because i had my period (once i came privvy to the fact that was an acceptable reason not to swim...even tho i didn't even start my period until years later...)

i was always scared of pools.
i remember with great detail the 1st time i actually really broke down at my mother, violently, and screamed that i hated her (even tho i didn't mean it, at the time). she was trying to force me to have swimming lessons and i didn't want them.
i was terrified of the pool. i was hysterical.
she had be backed into a corner of my room where i was huddled trying to escape her and she was coming at me and going to grab my wrist and make my go anyway and i screamed at the top of my lungs " i haaaate youuuuuu!!!!!!!" and my mom backed up because she had just never seen me behave that way before. i was always a really well behaved child. but try to get me in a pool and i would become a wild animal fighting for my life. that was the 1st time i tried to run away from home.
i did it like you see in cartoons with all the belongings in a bandana and then held on a a stick.
i wish i could remember what i packed.
i went as far as about 1 block away and hid behind a tree and pretty much thought i could live there and hunt rabbits for food since i had seen a few rabbits around (not like could ever really kill a rabbit for real).

i was also that way about the shower. i was terrified of the shower and i would only take baths. i was afraid of the water getting in my eyes or nose or ears.
finally my parents said i needed to learn to use the shower and that was that (why??) and they SHOVED me into the shower with all my clothes on as i was screaming and crying and kicking.
it did work because i did learn not to be afraid of the shower and actually grew to like them (funny how i still take only baths tho)

i think i must have drowned in a past life. maybe i drowned a TON of times, because it sure feels that way.

it's weird i am so afraid of water but one of my greatest dreams would be to live by the sea, and when i am by the sea i feel i am home.

but get me near a pool and i totally panic.

when i was in the bath today i remembered that dream where i was trying to dive but was still afraid i would not be able to do it and i would do a belly flop and it would hurt or be emmbarrassing or water would go up my nose and that would hurt.
i cannot even do the backfloat because if i do, water gets in my ears and then i aam rrreeaallly dizzy for weeks.

(but hilarious as i would skydive!)

i remember a few times swimming with my friends in the very scary saint croix river. my friend had her house on the river. her parents were rich. i hate the way some kids will dunk you and think that is funny. i'll never forget one of them pushing me off the dock and i just swirled under the murky dark water for what seemed like minutes until i finally bobbed up for air. scared the shit out of me.
the saint croix river is very deep and there are parts that are so deep they are still uncharted.
i remember my friend had a baby lamprey stuck to his leg (yes! a LAMPREY) and i never went into that river again.

when i walk by the mississippi now i still have this bizarre urge to throw myself into the muddy water just to be over and done with that fear. but that would NOT be a good idea. the mississippi is even more scary. the currents, the POLLUTION.

but then i remembered a dream i have had a few times that i never remembered until today.
i dream i go to this hotel in california somewhere, and it is a very very expensive hotel.
and they have a pool that is filled completely with Evian water.
so it is pure and clean and even drinkable, with no chlorine.
and it is so deep.
very very deep, but you can easily see to the bottom.
and i swim and swim and i go under water and can even open my eyes under water for the 1st time and i can swim all the way to the bottom of the pool and touch it.
i love that dream.
but i never can stay at that hotel because i am not really supposed to be there.
i just stumble upon it and pretend i am a guest at the hotel.
but i make friends with the lifeguard and he lets me stay anyway.

i love that pool so much.
i wish it really existed.
when i think of it it makes me want to cry for some reason.
like it is some sort of relief to me.
a beautiful pool of water that does not scare me or hurt my eyes.
it's so peaceful.
i love the sound of when you swim underwater....

especially in that pool.

i which i was rich enough to have an unchlorinated pool so i could experience what that would be like.

10:14pm

mouseovers:

7:12pm

the slide show in 082105 now works, too.
jeez, what is it with all these broken links in the slideshows?

6:06pm

5:52pm

fixed the links in the slide show in 082205
went to the store for cokes and dog food.
doing laundry. made a bath, about to jump in.
1/2 watched the news. vacuumed the hallway.
jason is coming over at 7pm to watch "prison break"
my pink hello kitty shoes broke :( i hope i can super glue them!
the woman at nerve emailed me and told me that she sent off my "test blog" to "the powers that be".
so keep your fingers crossed for me!

i realized i never really did a cake smashing show yet!
i swear i will as all nude all week's "grand finale"
the days just whiz by and i have been sooo busy.
my brain wants to shut off and my stomache is puffing out more every day from pms coming on.
it's making me feel more self conscious in front of the cam!
i feel like a puffer fish.

4:47pm

the maintenance guy just came over to fix my windows.
but i was completely unprepared for him so i told him to come tomorrow.
i am surprised he is back at work since on friday he had to go to the hospital!
i guess it was not appendicitis or a hernia but...well, i'm not quite sure what was wrong but it had something to do with him working on his deck. i swear this guy is like some sort of masochistic workaholic macho man!
he is back at work and hauling huge heavy stuff again so soon?
and they gave him vicodin but he says he won't take it because it makes him itch.
i said go get some PERCOCET and go RELAX, dude.
that man needs some chill out time!

yesterday i was in the elevator and i heard this kid i see all the time that lives in this building, too, (that i have watched grow up) gleefully say "today i arrested 2 people! i got to throw a $200 stereo out a window! it was a sony!"
now that is just fuct up.
i have watched this kid from being really small, and he always had this "i will take control" thing about him ever since he was tiny. he would act as if he owned the building at around 8 years old and not in a cute precocious way but in a rather "why on earth do you feel so priviledged and bossy?" kind of way.
even tho he is always polite, it's kind of in that macho polite way.
like, "you are a poor helpless woman and i will help you out"
it's hard to describe in words.
well, now he looks about 14 years old. maybe 15 or 16, i can't really tell age very well. and the other day i saw him with a medic type outfit on and i thought cool, he is going to become a medical helper of some sort.
or maybe a fireman or something.
but then the nex day i saw him wearing this "fake" cop jacket...and i went...oh god no...i could see this child grow up and ONLY from my experience with him in the elevator these past many years i could see this coming a mile away.

i have been watching a future asshole cop grow up right before my very eyes.
this person could go either way....they could become someone helpful, like a fireman, i can see that in him.
he needs power. entitlement. to be a hero.
but now i saw that sadistic gleam in his eye....
he smirked and smiled and he hit his fist against the wall as if to high five it...
and was on some sort of power trip high over arresting people and throwing their stereos out the window.
he thirsts for more.

augh.

 

4:40pm

fixed the rose bath slide show in anagram 082305.
all the links should work.
looking for other broken links now to fix in other anagrams.

wrote to janey.

i'm anxious to watch the news at 5pm and see what's up with the fallout from the huge hurricane.

2:55pm

figured out and announced the winner's of photocontest
i think you should join in the fun!
now i must go do anacam biz and find something to eat.
then write janey, sigh oh sigh.

2:00pm

3 pix from dinner last night:

last night i sent nerve my photos i picked with narration, too.
now i just wait to see what they think and if they will choose to put any of them on their site.
i anxiously await their response.

my former server is trying to negotiate me back, but there is just no way they can compete with my new server, dreamhost.
i feel really bad. they were so kind to me, and i was with them for most of anacam's years, but in order to survive i just cannot stay with them any longer.
*sigh*
plus with dreamhost my bandwidth and storage increases automatically each month!
on dreamhost i have so much storage that i can start putting up video content onto anacam, and not have to take anything off.
and i don't have to live as close to the edge of homelessness i always feel i am on the edge of. maybe i will even be able to somehow afford a new computer and get a mobile cam again.
and get some more camcorders that aren't breaking.

there is so much i want to do with anacam, the LAST thing i want to do with anacam is make is SMALLER, which is what i would have to do if i stayed on janey.

i want to make anacam LARGER.
that was one of my major points of it, is that it is a huge archive of my life that is accessable to people on the net, not just archived onto cds. you know?
even if you don't access the older stuff as much, it's THERE.
and that's kind of the point of that. that it IS there.
it's an online project. not a cd archive project.

+++

i had a dream i was lost and i stopped at the only house that had a light on.
inside was an old man whose house was a mess and full of so much stuff, he never threw anything away, but it wasn't sorted.
(funny how this relates to what i just wrote about anacam)
he was a tattooist. i asked him if i could stay awhile.
i could not remember where i lived, in my mind, i went though all the houses and apartments i had ever lived at, but none really rang a bell with me that that was where i lived NOW. it was like i had amnesia.
i put down my suitcase and asked for a tattoo.
he tattoed a red spirally thing on my inner arm that started where my red S on my wrist is now, and it spiralled 1/2 way up my arm.
i took this to symbolize the flow of energy in my inner life, whereas the outer part of the arm i would get tattooed with actual physical objects (like telephones, scissors, etc) that have symbolic meaning to me.
but i didn't have any of those tattoos yet.

he liked me and my company and so he said no charge for the tattoo even tho he would usually charge $1,000 for something like that.

i was very happy, but i still didn't know my way home and i could not remember my phone number.

here is a sort of quickie drawing of my tattoo from my dream done in lipstick on my arm just now.
in the dream it was much more fancy and delicate :)

+++

Horoscope for Aries (August 29 2005)

Stop taking everything so seriously. If something doesn't turn out the way you want, don't sweat it. Get help if you need it and work on projects you know you are good at.

and

Considerable credit **
Valid during several months: You should formulate objectives for long-range efforts at this time. Find out what you want to change about yourself and your world and get to work on those changes. The energy you have now will allow you to keep up a sustained effort for a long time. At work you may be given an opportunity to wield more power and thereby be more effective personally. But if you work solely for your own benefit now, you will sow the seeds of your own undoing later on. You should work for your own good and for the social good by identifying your own needs with those of society. If you do this, you will be given considerable credit for what you do. Sometimes this influence brings an opportunity to understand your motivations and to operate from this new understanding.


The interpretation above is for your transit selected for today:
Mars Trine Pluto exact at 08:22
activity period from 27 August 2005 until middle of January 2006.

and

Although you may be dazzled by your own inner brilliance today, others may not be privy to your light. Often you express yourself in the moment, but now may choose to keep more to yourself. Remember, you don't need to withdraw completely in order to create the space you need.