august 26th, 2005
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i'm the trouble starter, punkin instigator
Im the fear addicted, danger illustrated

i'm a firestarter, twisted firestarter
you're the firestarter, twisted firestarter
i'm a firestarter, twisted firestarter

i'm the bitch you hated, filth infatuated, yeah
i'm the pain you tasted, well intoxicated

i'm a firestarter, twisted firestarter
you're the firestarter, twisted firestarter

i'm the self inflicted, mind detonator, yeah
i'm the one infected, twisted animator

i'm a firestarter, twisted firestarter
you're the firestarter, twisted firestarter
i'm a firestarter, twisted firestarter

+++

clean sheets

i lead the weirdest most confusing conflicted life.
it keeps me occupied.

those are my mother's wedding shoes, btw.
wish i could tell u the story of that...but i can't...i won't....

11:17pm

i have jason over and ask him if he prefers the black and white or colour better?
this angle or that angle.
i never give a shit about this sort of thing (artistically) i do what pleases me. maybe it's the only thing i have left to control?

but now i'm trying to think like a man (i always try to wrap my head around it...but maybe it's vice versa?:). i am a man voyeuristically taking photos of myself, a woman.
it's posed but it can't really be "posed"
all these years of being in the "voyeurism" thing...but never have you been a voyeur...because i choose what you will see. i am in control.
but these photos of me taking photos for someone else seem the most voyeuristic of all, ironically, as i pretend to be a women who is being "caught in the act of being a woman" by a man photographer (who is me).
it's tricky. it's a head trip.
i like the challenge.
i can't wait to show you some of the results...and the stories....
but for now i have to be secret.
for now you can only imagine and fill in the blanks...
sometimes it's sweeter that way.

10:17pm

working on pix for nerve

9:48pm

i'm also really worried about, emmett, a long time friend and ana2 member.
all nude all week is always his favourite. and i even wrote him an email and he did not respond.
sometimes he gets sick and has infections more than most of us.
anyway, emmett, if you are reading this, please just drop me an email and let me know if you are doing ok?
i'm worrying about you...

9:31pm

still ironing out kinks. couldn't get my webmaster email, but now i can.
*whew*
i just don't know WHAT to do now...
i'm trying to get myself in the mood to take pictures, but i am just exhausted. and my stomache is puffed out. woo hoo!
i just have to try to take even a couple.
just keep at it.
if i just keep going, eventually i will get to the end, and hopefully the end result will be something i love.
i make sure to put everything in my being into the photos.
i wish i could show them all to you now.
i want/need you feedback.
but i can't show them to you because this has to be stuff only for nerve.
but all the rest i can show u...soon!

people often ask me...where do i get my inspiration?
i get it from EVERYTHING, it's hard to nail it down to one thing.
and in the back of my mind, i always say "fear"
but now i realize fear isn't my INSPIRATION, but it is the fire under my butt that keeps me moving.
sad, but true.

like "necessity is the mother of invention"

my sheets and in the dryer.
i hear them rotating....thud thud thud.
a dog barks in the distance.
and leinenkugel's berry weiss in my stomache.

i think about what narration i am going to put to the photos i take.
i even dream about it.

9:02pm

about my question about what lives would you like to spend being for 5 years.
an answer i gave pinkveneer:

"i still cannot make up my mind. on one hand, i want to pick people who (i think) have lived fabulous lives. for instance, the 1st choice for me that came to mind was david bowie, because i'd like to know what it is like to be a man, a a really FABULOUS man at that. to have that voice, to feel everything he has gone through in his life as a white man. and to be able to sing like that.

or i'd just like to pick someone who has led a very happy peaceful life, like perhaps a farmer out there who just enjoys simple pleasures.

but then on the other hand, i would pick someone who is the complete opposite of me and who i hate with every fiber in my being, simnply because i cannot understand HOW on earth someone could be SO evil and callous with a total disregard for anything whatsoever.

someone like bill o'reilly, george bush, or hitler...
hitler is a good one.

or maybe even just "a common" rapist. or maybe a serial killer.

i just can't quite wrap my head around those types of people and they have hurt me so much...and i can't understand why they do what they do and seem to not care how they effect so many people so negatively. how did this happen to them? what is going on in their minds?

so...i am stuck between wanting to experience really good lives...
but also, i think MORE i want UNDERSTAND why "evil" people are evil so that i can have more compassion and underdstanding and through that, maybe have some new "tool" to heal them or help them heal themselves or at the VERY least be able to let go of my seething disgust and anger for these people. or maybe i would find out that my seething anger and disgust is a good thing and is normal. i just don't know.

or the pope. what was it like to be the last pope? i mean WTF was going on with THAT life?

and also michael jackson...there are so many fascinating lives to choose from!

and i want to understand all of it. "

actually, adding onto this, i would like to understand they guy who stalked me, busted in my house, and attempted to rape me.

8:58pm

trying to calm down. getting there.
go post something under the bed! it's so lonely in there!

my goodbye letter to janey (my prior server)

"dear everyone at janey,
i am so so so sorry that i have to write this email.
it saddens me, but i must leave janey.net as i simply cannot afford it anymore :( this is a hard email for me to write because i have been with you all for so long, i feel a great sense of loyalty to janey because you all have been a part of my life for so many years, even tho we have only spoken on the phone ever so briefly here and there. you have always given me good service. i love how personal you are with me and how , if i have a problem, i know i could always call you and someone would be there to kindly help me out right away with it.
i sincerely appreciate everything so much. god, i really hate writing this email. but for the last bill i paid i had to sell my piano to pay you. and that was a pretty hard pill for me to swallow and depressed me more than i can convey.
i just am really struggling here, financially, and i just cannot afford $400 a month or more. it is seriously killing me.
so please, discontinue my service with you immediately, and please delete everything of mine from your server (or tell me how i might do it) and send me my final bill.
i am working my ass off (literally!) to come up with the money i owe you. i am having an "all nude all week" in hopes to make more money to pay you. and if i have to sell more of my personal belongings to pay you, i will. just know that i have always been good for my word with you and i have always paid you (even if i was a bit late at times, and you were so kind to out up with that).
anyway, you WILL get all of the money i owe you as soon as i have it, which should be soon. and if i have to turn all naked all week into "all naked all month" to pay you, i will :)
so don't worry about that.

but i do have a few final questions for you and they are:

(a bunch of technical questions)...deleetd because it's nothing u need to know about)

anyway,
i guess that is it.
i am deeply saddened to leave, but i'm sure you can understand my position. right now what i pay you a month is what i can pay dreamhost for 2 years of service with twice the storage. and they are not going to be as personal with me as you were. and so, that really sucks. but the bottom line is, i have to be able to eat and pay my phone and electric bill and every month i just barely scrape by to pay these. and so i have to do this to survive.

i hope you won't be angry and will always think of me fondly.
you really have been the best, i just cannot afford you anymore :(

with great fondness and sadness,

ana voog

7:14pm

it's been quite a hectic day!
and because, once again, i have not been on cam because of circumstances, i will extend all nude all week for THREE more days. i do apologize, but it has been so much work switching to the new server.

the maintenance men never did arrive! after waiting for 2 hours i went down to the office to ask them what was the deal. and they said they tried to call me this morning (that was them calling in the morning) and tell me that the guy who was going to fix my windows had to go to the hospital :(
i feel just awful that he is so sick and i hope he will be ok!
but fargin' a! they knew they did not get a hold of me and they should have come up and TOLD me, or tried calling more than just one time! it would have taken them literally one minute to do so!
they were all like "oh, we were going to come and put a note on your door...."
but they DIDN'T and so my entire day was wasted waiting for the maintenance guy 2 days in a row!
augh!

so...then after that, jason came over and made the final switches over to the new server.
if it wasn't for him i would be UTTERLY lost. even he was confused by some of dreamhosts things.
so many new passwords to remember....just...it's really been very complicated, i won't go into it because i do even completely understand it.

but everything is switched over now!
let me know if there are any gliches. there shouldn't be any, but there might be something that was overlooked, so please let me know if you are having any kind of problem, ok?

email: anavoog@gmail.com

now i can't believe it is already 7pm. and i must take more pix for nerve. and the cam is back on.
and so i will be showing you pictures of me taking pictures for nerve.
i just have to calm down a bit here because it's been a frazzled day.

now i must go email my former server and tell them i have switched over and to tell me when my last day i will be billed for and for them to just stop everything and delete everything off their server of mine.
i don't have access to it anymore because the domain names were switched.
i don't know exactly how that works, but that is the way it is.
anyway, i must go do that now....

while jason made the final switches which took 2 hours, i cleaned and cleaned and cleaned to get my nervous energy out into something productive.

i lint brushed off everything and dusted and did dishes and laundry and my sheets will be all nice and clean for tonight.

 

4:44pm

they are still not here!
i'm going to go down to the office to see what the fuck is the deal.
i tried to call the office and all i got is an answering machine.

maybe that phone call at 8am was the maintenance guy trying to tell me he cannot come today. fuck.

but i don't have my answering machine on, so he knows he did not get a hold of me.
the least he could do is come up here and tell me in person or send SOMEONE to tell me in person.

3:33pm

still waiting.
i keep seeing triple numbers lately.
whenever that happens to me, i feel it means i am "on the right track"
i don't know why i feel that way, but i just do.
and it's nice because it comforts me because i am a very nervous person right now who isn't really quite sure if i AM on the right track, exactly.
it's just the bill paying stuff. i am just very nervous about it all.
but there is an end in sight as soon as i can get off my current server which charges me up the ass and after i am off of there i will save over 400 a month. we might even make the switch today. i'm not sure. we are almost there.
i feel bad about leaving my current server, i haven't told them yet. even tho they are way overcharging me for their services, i have been with them for soooo long and i feel an odd loyalty to them and so it's going to be hard for me to write them and tell them i am leaving. i feel like i am betraying them or something.
but what they charge me a month is can pay for 2 YEARS worth of service at the place i am moving to, you know?
there bills are killing me!
and i know i have one more bill from them after this.
right now i owe them over 800 dollars and i have seriously no idea how i am going to come up with this money.
i think i am just going to have to tell them i can pay it off over the course of serveral months.
i hope they will agree to that. i have always always paid them and so they know i am good for that.
i have enough money in my bank now to pay my rent, and i just paid what i back owed on my electric bill today which was 137.00. but i did not pay the current one. i have til sept 19th to pay that.
and then i think i will have enough money to pay my phone bill which is 2 months late and over 200 bucks.
i'm sure a disconnection notice is in my mailbox today from them. and if not then any day now.
and then...after i pay that....how much will i have left to pay my current server (not to mention food)
i'm not really sure.
it's not going to be 800 bucks, i don't think.
but if i just have to continue to be nude until i ge this shit paid off i will.
because i hate this hanging over my head. it gives me great anxiety.
and then not to mention my taxes which i HAVE to get done. i HAVE to work on that absolutely NEXT.
as soon as i have finished the photos for nerve, and god hope they hire me because it a position that pays and i NEED it REALLY badly.
and that is why i am working so hard for it.

but if i don't get it, then what is meant to be is meant to be.
but dammit, i need to get it. i have to.

and then finish my taxes and be able to come up with the hundreds of dollars it will be to pay my accountant. he is fucking expensive as hell, but damn worth it.

but ya, i just need all this money stuff settled in my life finally.
it causes me such anxiety.
i need it to be over with and settled.

and then there are things i just CANNOT pay, like the bill for the ambulance when i called 911 when i was suicidal and instead they practically broke down my door and put me in hand cuffs and hauled me off to a hospital where i was put into a cold room and laughed at by the night watchman.
ya, they have creditors after me for THAT now.
thanks a fucking lot.
all i wanted was some numbers of people to talk t because i was in distress, but instead i get abused and then get a 1,000 bill for the ambulance and a small plastic bowl of cheerios.
it's really a fucking crime, you know?
and i guess i just give up on getting my $300 gun back because i just cannot deal with writing that fucking letter to the sheriff to get it back.

i just have so much on my plate as it is.

and i haven't made any hats this year except ONE.
crocheting used to calm me down but now it's been making me anxious too as i see it as something that i could make money with.
and i used to just do it for fun.

and so that is why i need to get that nerve job and get off my current server so i can save money and make money so i can get back to crocheting for the PLEASURE of it. and do it just for myself and no one else.

but i still need to get back to the 3 people who want photos of my hats for their books. i can't let that slip away.

i wish i could clone myself off.
i need about 5 of me right now.

i want to take full advantage of all the good things that are here for me.
i can't let any of it slip away.
i have to work my ass off.
i know it'll pay off in the long run.
i just have to keep going. one step at a time.
one foot in front of the other.

i'm just teetering here between total success and total failure.
it's so intense. i have to keep my wits about me and stay focused, and i am.

not to mention jason and i are still working out some EXTREMELY INTENSE relationship stuff, but it's working out really well, but it's still very very intense and hard and takes a lot of my energy.
but my relationship with him is my main priority.
i love him so much.

god, i am fucking nervous.

and now it's 3:55pm and where are the maintenance guys?
this is driving me crazy.
i need them to get here and do there work and then be done with it.
i need to get on with my day.

fucking a. i have so much to do.
please maintenance guys, get your stinky butts over here and fix my windows NOW.
i can't stand this waiting.

ok, i took a xanax. god, i hope that calms me down because i am a nervous person right now.

and typing about it does help. it gives me something to do.

but i'd rather be doing something more productive like taking photos so i can MAKE MONEY!

i also have some art work i should put up for sale.
i need to get on that too.

it's a beautiful day out. 70 degrees.
it would be nice to have all this money stuff behind me and just go for a walk.

and now i have to go to the bathroom, but i know as soon as i do they will knock on my door!
argh,it always works that way.

3:10pm

all i can do now is wait for the maintenance guys to come over.
i'm playing pink floyd dark side of the moon.
my mattress is painted 1/2 red because at one time i thought of painting it red and then just sleeping on that instead of a sheet, because no dog hair would stick to it.
but...painting your mattress red is not soft! so i stopped 1/2 way through when i realized that was a bad idea.
anyway, that is why my mattress looks like someone was murdered on it.

i'm not quite sure how they are going to find the room to flip my bed against the wall so they can get a ladder up to my windows. it's pretty crowded in here with things. i hope it all works out. i'm sure they will figure out something.

oh btw, i tried the legal version of absinthe the other day. it's called "absente" and jason found it at a local liquor store. i just had a sip to see how it differed.
it is way sweeter. it tastes almost exactly like ouzo, the greek licorice drink.
am i spelling ouzo correctly?
so...it was nice, but i guess i did miss that bizarre bitter flavour that true wormwood adds to absinthe and makes it such a unique taste. i actually thought i would prefer it without wormwood (absente says they use another variety of wormwood that is legal and not as bitter).
i was surprised to find that i missed that flavour because, at first, i did not really like it, but then you aquire a taste for it, i guess like you can aquire a taste for all sorts of things that normally are kind of displeasing in a way, like coffee, or whiskey, or diet coke.
so, it's too bad that i don't like absente as much as absinthe because it's legal and 1/3rd the price.
but i still would recommend absente, it still is a delicious drink and it does the cool "louche" effect.

ok, it's now 3:20pm and the maintenance guys are not here yet.
this is so aggravating.
i rrrreeeaaaalllly hate waiting for people (who i don't want over) to arrive at my house. and i rrreeaaallly hate waiting for phone calls.
i pretty much always have my phone unplugged.

i did have it on yesterday because i forgot to unplug it for when the maintenance guy was going to call me.
and this morning i was awakened by the sound of the phone, i can't remember what time it was but it was earlish. like 8am or something.

i looked at the number and it said it was coming from this building , which means that it might have been someone ringing my doorbell, because if you ring my doorbell here, it makes my phone ring.
i just sat and stared at the phone forever pondering who on earth could be ringing my doorbell at 8am.
obviously it was someone who had pressed the wrong button.
but i couldn't really take it in as i was 1/2 as asleep, i just finally sat up in bed and stared at my phone ringing...and it just rang and rang and rang and rang. it felt like it must have rang 20 times. maybe it did. it was odd. that is why i leave my phone unplugged.
so i unplugged it after it stopped and went back to sleep.
but now i have ti back plugged in in case the maintenance guy wants to ring me in case something has gone awry AGAIN and he cannot make it.

now it's 3:25pm.

i am typing because i am nervous and i don't know what else to do while waiting.
i can't DO anything. i can't take photos or start any projects or even read because i knwo i am going to be interupted any second.
i hate this.
hate it hate it hate it hate it.
please universe let them come over now, and disassemble my bed and make a mess of things and FIX MY WINDOWS and then put my bed back and then get the heck out so i can get on with my freaking day.

2:28pm

wow, that was weird. that was the 1st time i paid my electric bill by phone and did not have to speak to a human being. i've always been able to do that with my phone bill but that was the 1st for the electric bill.
it's such an odd feeling. that cold woman robot voice.

2:20pm

oh shit, i just remembered the maintenance guy is coming over here at 3pm.
and he is bringing the rest of the guys with so he can show them how to properly fix windows.
fuck.
and they are going to have to move my bed, which means flip it up against the wall, so they can put a ladder there.
so i have to get everything off my bed and clean now and get everything ready for them. farg.
so....when they are here the cam will be pointed away.
i don't like them asking questions about my cam.
hopefully my windows will finally get FIXED and then no more of this.
but ya, i have to hop to it and get all this ready.
but 1st call the electric co and pay my bill.

 

1:56pm

i woke up this morning to find i was completely green! :)
i must find the energy within me , again, to finish all the ideas i have for this nerve thing.
and i must pay my electric bill NOW.
i tried to get to bed early last night, and despite being super tired, i just couldn't get to sleep early.
i suppose i should have just laid in bed and at least gotten THAT far instead of aimlessly surfing the internet.
aimlessly surfing the internet is never a good way to make yourself go to sleep.

 

2:19am

walk in their shoes.

if you could be another person for 5 years, who would it be and why?

two answers (and two parts to the question):

1. pick someone who is alive right now
and then
2. pick someone who has passed on

then explain why.

+++

http://www.sentonline.com

2:11am

Horoscope for August 26 , 2005

Something good is about to happen. They say thoughts are followed by actions, so think positively and follow through and you will see the good that unfolds. Love and romance are in a high cycle today.

and

Tempo increase
Weak, transient effect: This morning this influence is likely to increase the tempo of your social intercourse for a few hours. You find it relatively easy to verbalize your feelings. If you have a problem or situation that you cannot handle, this is a good time to take it to a sympathetic friend. Getting another viewpoint will help you. And, of course, you may do the same for someone else. Often this time is filled with news from friends or with letters and phone calls. Actually you are attracting communication from every conceivable corner of your life. This is a good time to write letters to the people you feel strongly about. But some people under this influence become so passive that it is difficult to take such an initiative. Their tendency is to allow others to take the initiative.

and

You are usually pretty sure of yourself when you say something in front of a group, but now you might inadvertently go out on a limb. You may be thinking too much about how others will perceive you than the truth of what you are saying. Check your facts; it's not worth jeopardizing the reputation you've built by spreading disinformation.