august 20th, 2005
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at the bbq i took photos of the person who was having the bbq who i seeling his house and needs more pictures of it to sell it.
so here is what i took (i pixelated everyone out)
i hope he founds a few of these photos useful in selling his house.
a few are blurry as i didn't have a tripod.

 

4:54pm

went for a walk but didn't get so far. it is way hotter out than i thought it was.
and i was wearing black, which is pretty stupid to wear when the sun is beating down on you.
i have to go for walks when the sun is less high in the sky.
i feel like a roast duckling.
i am now going to take a bath and then i am going to go to the bbq with jason because he said we wouldn't go for very long. also, i did not know he wanted me to go because at these bbqs, everyone is a couple and then when he is there alone, without me, it makes him feel sad.
so that, at least, gave me a good purpose to go, because i thought it didn't matter to anyone if i was there or not.
or sort of feel like the weird odd wheel at these sorts of things because it's all jason's friends and they have a huge history together and i do not have a lot in common with these people, and it's usually just too much "guy energy" for me sometimes. and in saying that, i do not mean they are chauvenistic pigs cracking jokes about women's tits. they are not that way at all. i really like them. i just don't have a lot in common with them mostly because they all keep their true feelings inside of them and don't get into any deep conversations about anything that is really going on in their true inner lives, and i pick up on the vibes of this inner turmoil that is not being spoken about and it doesn't match what i see coming out of them, outwardly, and so this is very draining for me to witness sometimes.
but i ALSO don't want to get into any deep conversations with anyone today, unless it is about feminism, and these are guys where that is not really a topic they care too much about enough to want to discuss it in depth. i don't think they could discuss at all even, because it's just not something they would think to think about.

and i didn't know it mattered to jason if i was there, because he just has a good time with his friends, i felt kind of purposeless being there and often would go wander around just taking photos of things to pass the time and not get in anyone's way.
but it does matter to him if i am there, and he would feel lonely without me, and i didn't know that before.
so..now i have a purpose to go and it won't be a waste of my time because i will be making jason happy and therefore that makes me happy. and plus we will not go there for 4 hours, maybe just 1 hour which makes it much more easy for me to deal with.

i am just now starting to recharge my batteries from everything and i feel like i have charged up to 10%, and all it would take is one small thing to go wrong and i might be back to zero.
so i will just really shield and ground myself and know that my being there has a good purpose.
and now i'm going to take a bath and a xanax so i can deal with people who laugh on the outside and cry on the inside.

 

2:55pm

i'm going to go for a walk with jason in 1/2 an hour.
he ahs a bbq with friends at 6pm. i don't know if i can deal to go with.
certain people have an energy i have difficulty in dealing with when i am low energy, even tho i like these people a lot, i don't think i can be around them today.

i'm sort of 1/2 processing the chappelle show that i watched about 4 episodes of last night.
and i've seen about 3 other episodes before that.
i don't understand at all why anyone thinks this guy is a genuis or even very funny.
i'm really so fucking sick of comedy that is supposed to be empowering to african americans on one hand and on the other hand disempowering women.
woman is the nigger of the world.
like that movie "undercover brother", which i wrote a REALLY long rant about and then never did post it anywhere. i still have it saved somewhere.
i don't have the energy to get into this fully, especially today.
but this is something that as been perculating around me in me for some time and the chappelle show made it perculate more. and frankly, i am disgusted and confused as to why no one can seem to fucking see this except me, that i know of.

i'm all for black power, my brother is black, i FEEL like a black person a lot (i know roll your eyes at that one, fuck you... you are not me and so whatever. i know i should explain that more but i don't have the time today).
i fucking love when people empower themselves and i know they/we have come a HELL of a long way..and i also see that there is still SO far to go for the african americans (and all of us really). prejudice is just as rampant, it's just more hidden.
it's obvious to me as i see what my brother goes through, for one thing.
he still can't even look at a white woman without the shit getting kicked out of him, etc.
when we were young, i had friends whose parents wouldn't let them play with me anymore once they found out i had a black brother. the people i grew up with thought black people didn't really have hair, they had "wool", and at every potluck dinner we went to, everyone would always give my brother watermelon.

but i DON'T understand how someone can be so acutely aware of their own oppression and then also understand it enough to do something about it to rise above it...yet still remain COMPLETELY blind that they are disempowering HALF of the earth's population (women) while they do it.

i mean what the FUCK?

so no, i don't think that chappelle is that funny, not as long as he still disempowers women as he empowers himself.
i don't really see that as much improvement for humankind.

god, this world has SO MUCH TO EVOLVE.

and that fucking pamela anderson roast is STILL perculating in me as well.
damn. i don't even know where to BEGIN with that.
i cannot even find the words yet, that just...is so beyond fucked.
and NO ONE is talking about it.
all they want to talk about is "ooo, courtney love looks like she's on drugs again and oh look she's FAT!"

i am just...perculating here.
and it may take me a year or more or maybe just a week or maybe never before i really can fully articulate this.

and then last night i watched a documentary from the 80's about eating disorders called "the famine within" which was REALLY good and put a whole new level of understanding for me about it.
and i will talk about that later, too, because this is all related.

anyway. i just wanted to at least say this much outloud for now in hopes it will spark my brain to be able to articulate this better at a later time.

and and this just in:

"Hey, man! :)
Vaginal cumshots there
Banging her tight anal hole
Older mom getting facial
Top heavy dawn dildoing
Domination in group sex comics
Hardcore sex bang boat"

as i get this fucking sexual harrassment bullshit spam in my email literally EVERY 5 MINUTES.

oh and p.s.
a few months ago on yahoo i saw an internet article about how to "pimp your cube"
that is just so fuct on so many levels....i can't write about it yet.

2:18pm

it's a gorgeous day outside. i should go out into it.
maybe if i make some coffee that will motivate me.
i'm making more experimental soup.
i don't have many words in me lately.
i'm all worded out.

1:20pm

click:

Horoscope for Aries (August 20 2005)

You can make financial gains if you take on a second position or make a career change. A partnership can turn into an interesting proposition with long-term effects. Action will be the key.

and

This influence might produce such extreme emotionalism between you and a loved one that you would not be able to handle your problems objectively. If you have been having problems with each other before, don't try to have a calm, rational discussion just now, for it would lead only to an emotional confrontation with little communication. If all else is well, this should be a time of warm and friendly feelings between you and your loved ones.

and

Today, you can utilize the hidden potential that lay just beneath the threshold of your awareness without even knowing what's going on. You are highly intuitive now as you are being fed a stream of information directly from a parallel universe. Don't question how you obtain what you know. Just act on your hunches as if they were true.