august 17th, 2005

11:30pm

it sucks i have never been to burning man.
i've known about it since almost the beginning yet i never can make it there....the money thing.
fuck.
i have always wanted so much to go.
i belong there, it seems.
everyone praises it's wonderment. i feel left out.
it's always that way with me.
i guess i am my own burning man. i have my own little strange universe here....

fuck ya, i *AM* my own burning man. i have more fire in me than stars combined.
still....fuck....y'know?
it was never in the cards for me to have a community of any sort.
to feel i belonged anywhere, for whatever reason....to make me stronger...to live in the land of ice and snow for which i grow a deeper and more appreciative love for every year...my genetic heritage in this lifetime...
maybe in death this will be revealed to me.
or maybe not. i don't know.

11:05pm

what a day.
still working out some relationship stuff. it's going well but it's hard and exhausting but totally worth it.
i'm proud of us and i love him so much.
we are making more progress than we ever have.

stupid porn spam of the second:

"Hello, handsome!
Ph and pink panties
prom queen fucks in her dress
lucky dude fucking two hottest busty babes
Big titted brunette hottie

Foursome bear fucking
New secretary in office comics"

did you hear the news about the guy in russia who was the #1 spammer who was murdered?
i can't say i cried crocodile tears over that.

jason is in my bed sleeping. i am going to watch the taped episodes of INXS and LOST. then go to sleep myself.

don't worry, all nude all week in 4 days.
*snort*

:)

all of anacam and ana2 is now loaded onto the new server!
we just have to make the switch.
hopefully it will be glitch free.
a few links might not work here and there, but we will fix it as we go along. it think it will be fine :)

 

7:16pm

got more stuff done.
jason is uploading anacam onto my new site so that is at least in the beginning processes of getting done.
THANK GOD FOR JASON!
i am making progress and he is helping me.
now i'm going to go over to his house to chill for a bit.
then come back here and try to write this email/resume thing for this photo blogging position at this website and see if i can get that job. i don't want to talk about it unless i actually get it.
but that will take a lot of work to get that all set and send them the perfect email with the perfect set of photos to convince them that i am perfect for the job. and i AM perfect for the job.
i'm just not used to having to go in and convince anyone for something like that.
so it's hard for me to know the best way to approach it, but i will fihure it out and then whatever happens happens.

5:40pm

got some things done. so yay!
got to the bank, told my landlord people to FIX MY WINDOW,
at least called my doctor and TRIED to make an appointment.
now i have more anacam biz to tend to.
got out for a walk (to the bank)
still haven't eaten anything (except coca cola)
ok, off to do more things....
i just have to get stuff done. it's too boring to write about.
i am not as angry anymore, which is good.
glad i could use my anger in a constructive way and not destructive way.
on the way to the bank i had so many arguments in my head with people that don't exist...as i already was argueing with anyone who was going to say shit to me about anything and i had a retort for any possible scenario.
i was ready to make anyone eat gravel who as much blinked at me the wrong way.
one stupid guy did do one of those double take rubbernecking things from his car and (in my mind) i grabbed him by the neck and ripped him out of his car window and told him to eat dirt as i had him face down in the hot tar road with my boot on the side of his head.
i would have made a great dominatrix this afternoon.
but mostly i think i just gave such a strong "do not fuck with me unless you want to shit kicked out of you" vibe that people left me alone.
not like i could win any physical match, but sometimes, i think, who knows? maybe i could win. mind over matter.
i was the jedi who had turned to the dark side today and used my anger to fuel me.
it's better than laying in bed, pissing and moaning and wanting to die.
so ya...it was therapeutic and i feel a lot better and more calm now.


3:38pm

sugar and spice and everything nice.

3:34pm

called m dr. i guess i missed my appointment and there are no openings at the moment.
so i have to wait for them to call me back about it. *sigh*
trying to find the # for this place that thinks i owe them money when i don't and i cannot find their #.
argh.
cleaning off a "pup" that lyrics site stuck on my computer.
quarantined it with mcafee.
going to get ready to go to the bank now.
just trying to get shit done.
my stomache is pure acid but i am not hungry for anything.
i'm in a shitty ass mood but give me a few hours and i'll be ok.
especially after i go for a walk and get SOMETHING done.
and i should force myself to eat even a tiny cracker or something.
at least today i am not as depressed (anger turned inward), i am more anger turned outward, which is at least an energy i can use to get me moving and use to my advantage.

1:54pm

thank goodness these is GENUINE KINDNESS in this world for me to see today
otherwise i would seriously lose it.
*deep heavy sigh of relief that the world is not ALL insane and i DO have good friends*

1:47pm

kiss my camgirl ass.

mouseovers:


that's all.
time to crank the tunes and get busy.

joan jett's "bad reputation"

I don't give a damn 'bout my reputation
You're living in the past it's a new generation
A girl can do what she wants to do and that's
What I'm gonna do
An' I don't give a damn ' bout my bad reputation
Oh no not me
An' I don't give a damn 'bout my reputation
Never said I wanted to improve my station
An' I'm only doin' good
When I'm havin' fun
An' I don't have to please no one
An' I don't give a damn
'Bout my bad reputation
Oh no, not me
Oh no, not me
I don't give a damn
'Bout my reputation
I've never been afraid of any deviation
An' I don't really care
If ya think I'm strange
I ain't gonna change
An' I'm never gonna care
'Bout my bad reputation
Oh no, not me
Oh no, not me
Pedal boys!
An' I don't give a damn
'Bout my reputation
The world's in trouble
There's no communication
An' everyone can say
What they want to say
It never gets better anyway
So why should I care
'Bout a bad reputation anyway
Oh no, not me
Oh no, not me
I don't give a damn 'bout my bad reputation
You're living in the past
It's a new generation
An' I only feel good
When I got no pain
An' that's how I'm gonna stay
An' I don't give a damn
'Bout my bad reputation
Oh no, not me
Oh no, not
Not me, not me

 

1:22pm

do NOT fuck with me today.

ok, today is a day to not fuck with me. AT ALL.
my blowtorch is set on it's highest setting.
1st of all in photocontest, the theme is "smeared"
and so i put a link to dictionary.com as to what the definition of that is.

and then i get this FUCKED UP DUDE named "peepingtommy" who is a really whacked out guy who i had a run in on one of my friends ljs MONTHS ago, he comes into today into the community and posts to my post:

popped the cork to my favorite camhore with a wholier than thou tude
peepingtommy
2005-08-17 17:10 (from 152.163.100.66) (link) Select
i smear to you.

so great. i have another fucked up fucker fucking with me and following me around for MONTHS.
fucking creepy!

THEN in the same post, this other chick who i took off my friends list on in my crochet journal long ago because she posted to me "MAKE SOMETHING."
which i thought was pretty damn bizarre and demanding so i said t her "i make things every day"
and then i took her off my friends list.
so today in photoconest in that post she writes:

oh_flounder
2005-08-17 18:16 (from 67.170.180.249) (link) Select
I know you are only the common angel
turned into, by way of enchantment, the ugliest.

WTF??????
i don't even KNOW this person. i never talk to them, nothing.
and then THAT? wtf???
i just deleted then banned both people without commenting.

and then...well it was just the shit hit the fan (no pun intended..as this guy claims he is my FAN)
tells me my hair is ugly and how HE would prefer it.
which made me just spew forth all my wrath onto this asstard.

he writes:

"For years now I have considered your hair abused... under assault...
> bludgeoned. Dyed, chopped, hacked, crimped, burned and bleached ... and I
> looked at it as coming with the territory of using yourself, your body and
> your life as art. BUT looking at these las vegas trip pics I just got an
> overwhelming urge to say "Enough already!" ... i dunno.. i had to let that
> outa me. I get glimpses of you in my head as having probably quite an
> attractive head of hair if it ever grew out long and wasn't tortured in the
> process. Thanks for letting me spew that out. Sometimes I just have to
> express a fetish in the course of being a good fan.
>
> live long and do art, Gary "

my wrath was unleashed:

"what makes you think you have the right to say to some woman, any woman, especially one you don't even know to make her hair the way YOU would prefer it for YOUR fucking little fetish?
what a selfish fucking thing to say.
why don't you grow your own damn hair out and pet it or go buy yourself a wig or a doll?
what makes you think you have some god given right to SAY that to me?
do you think i really CARE what you think of my hair? do you really think i am going to THINK about what you said and grow my hair our naturally, JUST FOR YOU???
THINK ABOUT THAT. how does that make you a "good fan"??
what the fuck is GOOD about that?
what the fuck , dude?
do i write YOU fucking emails expressing to you "enough already!" about ANYTHING you do? do i write you and say "enough already with fingernails! why do you keep cutting them? fuck, they were meant to grow! grow them as long as you can because i'm such a good fan!"
do you say this to EVERY woman you see walking down the street? do you say this to your coworkers?
and fuck you with your assbackward "compliment" that i PROBABLY have an atrractive head of hair under there.
thanks for fucking sending me an email telling me you think my hair is ugly, you fucking selfish PIG.

i hope you grow out your fingernails and toenails FOREVER, and NEVER EVER cut them again. alright?
because hey, i'm just saying you probably COULD be attractive if you would just do that for me.
you're a pigfucker. don't expect to ever get any more free photos from me. you should be happy i give them to you a ALL. you should be motherfucking grateful.
so shut the fuck up. no one wants to hear about YOU would prefer THEIR HAIR anymore than YOU want to hear someone might prefer YOU with your dick cut off.
so take your little "good fan" routine and shove it up your hairy ass.

it's NOT ok to tell women how you would prefer their hair unless they ASK you directly. got it? NO WOMAN in this world wants to hear about it. i don't know what kind of fucked up upbringing you had that makes you think women actually want to hear about that kind of selfish bullshit from you. WE DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT OUR HAIR. we don't do it for YOU. it's OUR HAIR.
did that ever ocurr to you that we are not some sort of extension of YOUR godddamn brain and we don't live our lives to fulfill YOUR unfulfilled fucking fantasies? GROW YOUR OWN DAMN HAIR OUT if you like hair so much you fuckwhit. or go buy yourself a WIG. there are PLENTY on ebay."

 

12:27pm

i have a lot to get done today and i am really going to try to get some of it done.
like get to the bank.
and i think i completely spaced a doctor's appointment and so i have to call and reschedule.
and then i have to make a bunch of boring phone call to a place that thinks i didn't pay their bill, but i paid it eons ago. and i have the cleared cheque to prove it. i just thought after 6 months they would have finally figured it our on their own that i paid it, but i guess not.
then there is this "blogging job" thing that i am considering for some extra cash but i'm not sure if i want it or could handle it.
but anyway, i am going to try to force myself to apply for it and see if they are even interested in me anyway.
but that will take a lot of effort to sort through thousands of my photos and come up with the ones i want to submit and also write up some sort of "resume".
it gives me a stomache ache, but i need the money.
i wish i had a secretary.
my stomache is doing flips flops and i hate the phone and i hate having to sell myself and explain myself.
and i don't want to go out into the outside wotld today.
i still feel really vulnerable but i am feeling a lot stronger than i was yesterday.
negative thoughts immediately popped into my mind this morning which filled me with fear and i am trying to combat them but it's not working very well. so i think the only way to combat them is just to get to work.

on the 22nd (monday) it will be anacam's 8th ana-versary!
and i am pretty sure i am going to do an all nude all week starting on that.
i'm not goig to promise, but i'll say that right now i am 99% sure i will
because i need to pay my bills.

after jason gets home from work he is going to go for a walk with me and then also help me figure out how to upload my entire site to my new server so i can get off the one that is charging me so much mooney that it is causing me extreme anxiety and anguish.

i wish i could just figure this stuff out on my own, but i am just inches away from being a paralyzed deer in headlights and i am struggling with all my being to not just crawl into a hole and give up and just keep perservering and keep going. because i have so many good things in my life right now , too.

it just seems i am on the razor's edge between a really good productive life and a really terrible terrible life of a crazy homeless person. and i'm really stressed out but i am trying with everything in me to keep walking forward even if it is just baby steps.

+++

Horoscope for Aries (August 17 2005)

Don't be too open about offering information today. Someone is probably showing interest in you to find out more about what and with whom you are involved. Don't offer any facts or figures.

and

The emotional consequences
This is a favorable time for communication about love and relationships. It will not make the communication either good or bad, but it will help to ensure that communication happens. You will think about and want to discuss your relationships, not only love affairs but also friendships and other kinds of relationships. This is a good time to confront your partner with any problems in your relationship. You may be able to reduce the tension between you because you are calm, rational and detached. The rational side of your personality does not take emotional matters seriously. It likes talk and intellectual exchanges, without giving thought to any emotional consequences. Be careful of what you say about friends and loved ones under this influence.

and

It's difficult today to distinguish your dreams from what's happening right in front of you. Others are looking good, and perhaps relationships really do hold great potential now, but remember it's you that is doing the looking. Because you are seeing through your subjective filters rather than getting the true picture, don't make any commitments you cannot keep.