august 4th, 2005
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12:59am

today was very intense for me. i am still processing it.

i woke up with a feeling of unease, and losing my stomache, a normal morning for me as my dreams tend to do that to me.
then i had a red bull on an empty stomache. not good.
i thought my stomache problems were over but as soon as i got to whole foods (for the figs and goat cheese) i realized the red bull had only made matters worse.
i don't know how many of you have ever been in position of needing to get to a bathroom IMMEDIATELY in a public place, (sorry for the candor), but it SUCKS.
i found their restroom and, as luck would have it, it said "closed for cleaning" i could not believe it.
i stood at my cart gripping the handle with every ounce of my strength, with every ounce of my willpower, breaking out into a cold sweat and the room spinning. this happened several times. and then i would move through it.
food was unappealing to me , at that time, but i knew what i wanted and i was determined to get it.
i was focused to make it through because i never get to whole foods except maybe once a year and there were things there i wanted BADLY. the fact i made myself endure that is testiment to that fact.
but fuck i will never go through that again, i hope.

one thing i was surprised not to find was oolong tea. WHY can i not find it???
and questions i have now about cheese...before i forget to write this down...what makes the different cheeses?
it's (almost) all cow's milk...so HOW does one make a gouda, a cheddar, a swiss...what are the processes?
because i found a goat gouda and a goat cheddar. (bought the goat gouda, tastes like goat...duh.)
but what makes it a GOUDA?

i spent way too much money on food which is now giving me anxiety.
i remember my horoscope from a few days ago which stated i would have difficulty not spending money on luxury items for about a week. not that i am blaming my horoscope. i'm not.
i take full responsibility.
what is it about me that when i get freaked out about money it makes me spend more?
it's some sort of ...fear thing...like shit! i'm running out of money! i better "live it up" right NOW because next week i could be dead or homeless! so buy it all now while you can before you die! and you don't want to die before you've experienced "this".

fuck!
so anyway here is a list of the things i bought so that you can whip me.
believe me, i punish myself enough for it.

but fuckin a, if i die tomorrow, i will have known these tastes!

the list (and i was holding myself back because #1 i knew i could not afford this and #2 i was about to shit my pants (well ok, i wasn't wearing pants but a black vintage lingerie, not that anyone can tell in this day and age) any second and needed to make it home PRONTO.

figs! i could only find the blackish purply kind. not the green kind, to my disapointment.
i wanted to try both. but i did get one kind! and they are small!

i bought some aged balsamic vinegar. i don't know how long it was aged , it just said aged and it was 14.00 so i figured that was the best they had. i know that the really good stuff goes for hundreds.
14.00 is NOT the bomb of all balsamic vinegars, but fuck it, it's the best they had and goddammit, i am tasting it soon.

toasted sesame oil (can't live without it! food, sex eveything!)
toasted PUMPKIN seed oil (never had this! EXCITED as all get out to try it!)

i finally got some bonita flakes (sp?) to make PROPER miso soup.

miso with brown rice, i can't remember the exact name. i am still learning about all the types of miso.

shallots! never bought them in my life! they look like tiny onions.
i wish i could have bought one of every vegetable but i didn't have time.
saw they had fresh fennel and i wanted some buy, but not knowing what fresh fennel even LOOKS like, i didn't know which one it was and so i didn't get it! ahhhh!
how can i not know???
i must educate myself on ALL the vegetables and herbs, etc.

someday i am going in there and buying one of EVERYTHING so i know what stuff is.

i bought a red cabbage, i bought some packs of "healthy ramen"
some red potatoes (all this organic)

fresh garlic.
avocadoes
tomatoes
lemons

i bought some basil tomato gouda. (yum)
i bought 2 things of goat cheese that comes in a tube thing.

i bought fresh rosemary, basil, and spearmint leaves.
i didn't know spearmint LEAVES taste like LEAVES until last week. a story. happiness! wonder! surprise!

mixed greens.

3 tubs of hummus (yes i should make it myself, i keep forgetting that fact)

fresh sourdough bread.

a brick of parmesean cheese.

the cherries that are yellow (rainier?)

some curry ( i can't remember what kind)

sugar cubes made from raw sugar (for tea)

MARMITE! yes!!!!
how does this differ from vegamite?
i don't know. i hope to try them both some day!
i have been wanting to try that for DECADES
(damn you "men at work" the BAND for you young ones!)

and then the biggest splurge, for the 1st time ever i broke down and bought lamb.
a shoulder roast. yep, it was 20 bucks.
shoot me.

and then at the check out lane because i was flipped out of my mind (the guy at the register smiling "how are you"...."fine" i replied...while inside grunting and trying not to pass out) i saw these cute little designer tissues (portable...to blow your nose in) and one is pink with pink poodles on it and the other has this fabu graphic of a woman in in "power suit" from the 50's ...saying "honey, you couldn't PAY me to be twenty"

oh! kaCHING (oh, SNAP!)

i am your target market. you have me PEGGED. i bow to your skills for "making" me have to buy that.
i don't even carry tissues around with me. but i guess i will NOW just for thee opportune moment to blow my nose and still make a cynical yet empowering statement for my age group.
ba da bing! ba da boom!

yes, i am blowing into a snot rag but you will be SO impressed by my stylish pink poodle kleenexes you will not even notice!
rock :)

oh and sunflowers! i bought 5 sunflowers for 7 or 8 bucks.
i know , they grow on the sides of roads for free.
but i don't drive. i don't have a car.
and it's 90 million fucking degrees out there so let me have THAT, ya?

yes, as you can tell this is an argument with myself and i am the queen of rationalization.

i better get off my ass now and crochet like the fucking wind.
and sell some shit. 'cause ya. fuckity fuck fuck.

so i have a meal i want to make. i don't know how to cook it, but i will figure it out.
it is my dream meal at this moment.

lamb roast with red potatoes. (i don't know how yet but it'll be good).
a salad with spearmint leaves, tomatoes, fresh basil and shaved parmesean and...?
goat cheese "infused" with rosemary (how you do that i don't know..someone i don't know just emailed me that idea and it stuck) stuffed into fresh figs and MAYBE baked?
for dessert...aged balsamic with vanilla ice cream.

my kitchen sucks, i have limited pans. i am only going by pure inspiration.

i know i can do it, tho.

i don't think jason will like any of it. he is being more adventurous with food, and i am so happy about that, but not this adventurous yet.

all my other close friends are vegetarians or mostly vegetarians.

i wish i had a kitchen table. i eat on the floor on or my bed (or now at my desk).

this just seems like a meal that should be shared.
but WHO will eat it with me?
not only that but i might completely fuck it up because i have not much knowledge with these new foods.
but dang, i am going to give it my all and i am going to even search for recipes.

so if you have recipes for this sort of dinner with these ingredients, sock it to me, i am ALL ears.
i want to learn and i want to take it all in!

oh! and i bought a fruit that i don't know the name of it!
IT LOOKS LIKE A NECTARINE BUT IT IS SPOTTED!
what is it?

the other way more intense parts of the day....
reading about a person on my friend's list who a few months ago tried to kill herself by slitting her own throat after her husband died of brain cancer and now is MUTE. (slitting would be a MILD word for what she did)
i can't even begin to express....anything about this.
but she has somehow managed to turn this into a positive but i....it has stuck with me all day...and i ...am really affected by it. and i've been going through her entire journal today trying to piece it all together.
and...well, i can't talk about it yet.
but it is one of the most intense thing i have ever read in my life and i am deeply deeply moved.

and another friend, (hello to you my SWEET!) was diagnosed with this thing which doctors say will make her eventually completely blind and she is a VISUAL ARTIST. now i have EVERY hope that she will beat this because the power of the mind kicks ass over any doctor's "scientific opinion" but still..fuck...you know...it hits me hard.
and dammit i will be there to cheer her along every motherfucking step of the way.

and another very very very very dear friend of mine, kat....dammit, i read her journal every day but i have been slacking off because sometimes it's so hard for me to ingest. and i feel like such an asstard for not having the stomache.. but fuck she is my complete inspiration for survival. i won't even go into her story because it's not mine to tell. and these words are pointless and meaningless in the face of...all that. watching your friends die in a fire, having some of your limbs cut off and then having you boyfriend become paralyzed from the neck down.

and i'm complaining about my GROCERY BILL? and PMS???????????????
what the FUCK?????????????

fucking a.
FUCKING TEARS.

i think i am so fucking BRAVE for what?
i know it's all context.
but fuck that.
you know?

i'm sorry, i AM pmsing (oh, the AGONY *sarcasm*)
but fuck i am crying at everything right now.
ya, i cry at everything even if i am not pmsing.
i know we all go through our struggles for "a reason" ( i have to think that!)
and "god" (in a very loose term i use that "name") doesn't give us what we can't handle (bullshit)
we hold the keys.

another fucking dear friend whom i adore, stomache problems....morphine...
i won't get into it.
i need to call her.
i need to make connections.
what can i do?????
i need to do something.
i wish i could bring them all to my house and make them my meal and then tuck them in.
it's so unfair.
this goddamn distance.

but i have to say this must be for a reason, too.
but can i close the gap?
can i reach out more?
i think i need to.
i think it's necessary.
i cannot solve it but i can REACH as far as i can.
i can give THAT much.

i'm afraid, like my dad of intimacy.
i don't want to be sucked dry.
but i don't think these people will do that to me. in fact, i know they won't.

my dad, also, retiring this year.

as i am in that prespeteryian church (the other day, to see lynda barry's how....fuck u robert altman....little minnesoatan "in" joke at the moment) i pick up the hymnal and there it is "the nicene creed"
i don't even know if i spelled that right and i don't even know what "nicene" is.
ok, no that is not what he sings, it is something else, a whole bunch of things....
god some daughter i am....can't even rememeber what my dad sings every sunday for all my life...
i can SING you the tune but text doesn't carry a tune....

but i hear my dad, my sweet little fucked up naive dad singing it with such heart and soul
seriously, he has a beautiful voice, he does. he does! no really! his voice is beautiful!
and since he looks just like jesus christ it's all the more fuct up.
i have his sad puppy dog eyes, just like his father.

he sings it so loud and clear, like a bell, not with pretention but from his actual heart.
he switches octaves in the middle unconsciously because he never can decide what octave to sing it in.
he looks into the congregation not as some rock star but he IS a channel.
he really fucking means it.
he is the most truly christian person i know, but at the same time , as any hero in any novel, he has his fatal "flaw"
but i wont reveal that.
not for a gazillion dollars.

but i need to go up there and see my dad on his '"final day"
singing all those 'things" in his way and i know i am going to break down and bawl.

and my dad hates that. so i am scared. i want his approval.

do you know he never ONCE came to one of my shows when i was in a band or solo?
for over 14 years?
not ONCE.
even when i made my national tv debut on VIBE, he fell asleep.and so did my mom.
what is with that?
wtf?

i am bawling my eyes out right now.
and i have it so easy....

my dad asked me what i want when he dies.
all i said i i want everything he ever wrote.
all his sermons...anything.
he laughed at this as if this was silly. why?
i think he might delete all his journal entries he makes somewhere before he dies.
who IS my dad?

my mom?
i won't get anything from her.
i wonder how she is doing tho.
if i could have stayed friends with her i might have a cabin on a lake.
but i can't so....
i wonder what will happen in the end between her and i?
and is there ever an end?
will i be there when she dies? i think about this every day.
(i say this as nonchalantly as i can, but it's all a farce.....i love her dearly with all my heart, still i got the restraining order on her.....yep....no lie. don't fuck with me. DO NOT. she was fucking with me more then any boyfriend who had tried to kill me (literally) and so i gave her a 7 years to stop it....she didn't and so ...wham....restraining order to mom, you selfish piece of confused shit, i love you desperately. but you CANNOT fuck with me. period. maybe in the next life...oolong tea? )

i love her and i hate her.
or will she be there when i die?
or is it like the song "strangers in the night...exchanging glances...."
i try to laugh but it's not funny.

this life...so confusing.
but i have made SOME progress, no?

6:06pm

haven't been feeling very well today.
so that is why not much writing.
i think i will take a nap.
after that tell you of the amazing food i bought.

2:25pm

getting ready to go buy figs and goat cheese!

1:29pm

Horoscope for Aries (August 4 2005)

You can't do anything wrong today. You will attract attention, love and partnerships. Your creative drive will leave the people you engage no choice but to join your parade.

and

Unexpected consequences
This influence can produce some rather unexpected events, for it influences you to seek excitement and new experiences through love and creativity. The effects can vary considerably, because this influence always produces unexpected consequences. For instance, it can produce an unexpected disruption in an existing love relationship, caused by your feeling that things have become dull and routine. You seek excitement, and if it is not forthcoming, you may become quite irritable. Or something unexpected but not necessarily unfavorable may happen. Sometimes this influence suddenly produces a new relationship from a totally unexpected quarter or with a person who is radically different from anyone you know. A relationship that begins during this time is usually exciting but unstable.

and

Your spontaneity is all fired up and your love life may be on the upswing. Things are cooking and all you need to do is stir the stew. But, beware, for there are fears brewing in your own subconscious realms that can prevent you from getting the goodies that seem so close. Think before you act.