august 3rd, 2005
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am i weird?
i just sang a song to the cheese in my fridge.
singing, "pepperjack cheese, be my friend, be my friend!"
i have a little song for everything that makes me happy.
like i sing to my dogs every day, one song for every cute thing they do.
i wiggle a certain way at my boyfriend when he makes a certain sound.
we all have our own specific language.

tell me of your songs and language :)

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thunder and lightning and rain!
comforting the dogs....
they are all huddled under my desk!
off to the bed we go to huddle as one "mass"

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ha :)
jay writes back:

"Hmmm...

I May be in your crochet class... That actually sounds like fun.

But who's to say we can't crochet IN the hot tub? Just don't let the yarn get too soggy!

See you in a few days.

J"

rock :)

 

10:48pm

ok, i didn't work on the speakers : )
jason came over and we talked and then he surfed while i watched inxs: rock star and then Lost.
does anyone else watch Lost? because i missed the 1st 5 minutes of tonight's episode and i was like Wha?
still, it was completely riveting. i LOVE that show!
it comes out on sept 6th on dvd.
i sound like a commercial but i love it!

tomorrow jason and i are going in search of fresh figs so we can eat them for the 1st time!
how did i make it this long in my life without not knowing what they taste like?
also GOAT CHEESE i MUST get. i have just been obsessed with goat cheese and figs and won't be satiated until i have them.

btw, i never did say if i was happy with who won hell's kitchen , which was michael.
not like i know if ANY of you reading this have ever even watched it or care.
but i am SO happy michael won.
i really wish the restauraunt industry didn't act like it was some some sort of assembly line and like the marines, tho.
cooking should be as pleasurable for the chef to make as the person who gets to eat it.
this whole "make things really really quick and get yelled at and turn into the marines" is utter bullshit to me.
someday, when i have the money, i think i would like to go to cooking school more than anything else (besides fiber arts). those are the only 2 things i wish to really learn the techniques of because i think those are 2 things (for me) it really benefits hands on training the most. you need to see it, smell it, touch it, taste it, to really understand what makes it all go wrong and right. and then after that use your intuitive sense to make what you want.
i really do want to learn how to make a perfect souffle and how to crack and egg with one hand and be able to make the perfect sauce.
i didn't know i would become so interested in cooking.
pretty much all my life, food bored the crap out of me and was something i ate in order to keep living and not because it was something i wanted to do. i would sort of force myself to eat with a sigh while i did something else to distract myself from the duty of it.
but that was because i was too poor to eat anything worth noticing.

now tomorrow i hope i find fresh figs! i guess there are many kinds.
i don't know how to tell what is fresh or not!
i hope i get lucky.

i'm excited! i'm a fig virgin!
who knew i could get so excited at the anticipation of trying a new fruit and getting some goat cheese?
but i swear tomorrow when i wake up it will be the thing that makes me want to live!
i will forget for a moment and i will slowly start to wake up and the dogs will start to get excited because i am waking up (i think i must change scents when i start to wake up because they KNOW no matter how still i lay), and i will grumpily push the dogs aside in my groggy state, but then i will remember....today is the day i will taste fresh figs for the 1st time!

this is what i live for :) these small things :)

oh! and i know i'll be in vegas and all with a bunch of young camgirls (i'm assuming) but i have decided i am going to bring 14 crochet hooks and yarn and i am going to offer to teach how to crochet in 15 minutes!
because that is how long it takes to learn the basic stitch, and i will let them keep a ball of yarn and the hook to take home with them.
now jason was trying to remind me that i'll be in VEGAS so don't be disappointed if no one is interested in learning CROCHET.
yes, i get that :)
but it's only 15 minutes! who doesn't have 15 minutes?
i think at least 2 people will be interested!
i feel like i am pushing the books of mormon on people at the craps table :)
yes you could win a milion dollars, but don't you want to learn to CROCHET and save your SOUL?
ha :)
i'm sure there must be SOME moment in there that SOMEONE will be interested.

either that or i am some sort of out of touch mother like figure!

maybe it's a girl thing mostly.
maybe i will fuck up jay holben's movie because i will get everyone into crochet and we will all be so involved in that we will forget to get drunk and get in the hottub and have drama and make out :)
(sorry, jay, KIDDING :)

i will get them all in this crochet trance and we will all be holed up somewhere making funny hats.
and jay will be like DAMN! we're in vegas ladies! lets get wild!
no no....we're crocheting THINGS!
fuck poker!

ya, i doubt this will happen. but the thought of trying to teach a bunch of camgirls to crochet in vegas cracks me up immensely, and so...i must try. for the dichotomy of it is way too cool :)
i'm packing my suitcase with crochet hooks and yarn.
you can't stop me!

last time in vegas, i headlined at the luxor covered in rhinestones and topless!
this time in vegas, i break out the yarn and teach camgirls to crochet!
how bizarre is that?
i love it!

5:58pm

oh, ya, hooking up the stereo speakers...
i keep getting distracted!
gonna work on that now.

note to self: RENEW DOMAINS
man, this month is expensive.

in 19 days it will be anacam's 8 year ana-versary!
can u believe?

5:39pm

halla-fuckin-luiah i made it to the p.o. in the scorching heat.
sent off scarves and posters.
then received a cheque there for another poster and cd. yay!
i have to figure out this whole chargeback thing.
i have been getting a ton lately and i don't know what is the deal.
and they are all from weird overseas banks.
i have to call up my credit card processing company and make them help me understand how to take action against this stuff because it's really friggin ridiculous and costing me a lot of money.
i want to understand if these are really some sort of stolen credit cards people are using on my site or if some people are just being really huge assholes to me and just charging back to receive free ana2. it's all just numbers thye give you.
like reason for chargeback : 41
and wtf is 41?
customer id : (some stupidly long number)
everything has a number or an ID, they are all long.
none of it just comes out and tells you what the fuck.
i have 4 from argentina and i can't tell if they are 4 different ones or 4 of the same. it's completely intelligible as to what is going on.
it makes me wonder if it is that guy who is pissed off at me for not sending him free pictures of my feet and he is just now trying to financially fuck with me, too, because it wasn't enough for him to just attack my LJ 200 times and make me have to go friends only.
something definitely weird is going on and i have to get to the bottom of this and make it stop.
*sigh*

it gives me a stomache ache to deal with stuff like this.
i wish i had an assistant for things like this.
i hate the phone and dealing with legal things. it just makes my head hurt.
it gives me anxiety.
i still never wrote the sheriff even to get my gun back.
i wonder what the time limit is on that and if i can still get it back now.
to find out the answer to this question would require me to find out the phone # again of where to call, and get transferred to a million departments and it all just makes me feel ill.

btw, do you know if you can buy bullets online?
is that legal?
i need bullets for my .38 special

3:32pm

called my server to see if they made the cds, because if they didn't i was just going to cancel that order and have jason download my site onto his computer.
but they did make them and they are going to fedex them to me today.
yay! it took 7 cds to back up my site. my site is so huge.
now i must bathe, get dressed, eat, then get to the p.o.
and i must crochet things to sell to pay for so many bills.
overwhelming.

wash dishes, do laundry, clean tub, and buy paper towels and tp are also on the list.

last night i dreamed i was on a rollercoaster but there was no seats or anything to strap you in. you just had to hold on to the wheels with your hands and hope you didn't fly off and get killed. it was terrifying.
then the pieces to their rollercoaster that they needed in order to make it safe were in my pocket. i was so pissed i didn't want to give them the pieces until they realized that the pieces were missing.
because i wanted them to get a clue and not put anyone else through that. but they didn't see the pieces were missing and kept loading people onto the ride.
a really creepy rubbery looking person dressed up like an elf came out and sang a stupid song.
i threw the pieces of the rollercoaster at the elf-thing in anger.

 

2:22pm

i have so much to do.
i have to get motivated somehow...

my business computer is doing scary things.
i need to get a new computer.
i turned it on and it flashed a thing i've never before seun any computer do.
i was a weird thing that flashed "out of reach of signal"
wtf? signal? WHAT signal?
i've never even seen that before on any computer.
freaky.

i am really going to try and get to the p.o. today and send things off.
i have it all in front of me, i just need to get dressed and eat a little and get there.

i'm really pissed off at my server. 12 days ago i requested back up cds of my site. so on monday, i emailed the tech guy in charge of that to see what was up, just asking if they were in the mail or what.
heard nothing back, of course.
so sent a second email and cced to people who own the server, too, so they could see i was asking. boom, got a reply from him within minutes.

he hasn't even made them yet! gah!
so i said i am on a time limit here as i want to get those before jason is done with his vacation so he can help me.
and it takes over a week with regular snail mail between them and i.
so i asked if when they could be done if they could overnighted to me by fedex. haven't heard back on that.

fuck. every day i stay on that server it's like money just being sucked out of me. i can't fucking afford another $500 bill, and i know the next one is going to be MORE. it gives me such anxiety.
i just want to get the hell off that server.
they better back up those cds for me TODAY and overnight those puppies to me NOW. grrrr.

 

1:52pm

got another update from jay holben and he says we will all have internet access in our rooms in vegas. rock!
"You will all
have a connection in your rooms via CAT5 cable to broadband"
so....i wish i still hav my sony vaio, all i have for a laptop is a verrrrrrryyyyy old one that is super heavy and i have the 1st webcam that was made on it, the black and white connectix cam which maes those coool grainy pix. i THINK it can hook into broadband, i will have to look, although it's a verrrrrry slow computer.
i do not know what "via CAT5 to broadband means"
i think my laptop can hook into DSL.
i have no idea if the cord is the same for this CAT5 cable thing.
but i will bring that with so at least there will be a cam in my room or whereever and so you can see something live when i am in my room if i find out my laptop can connect to that.
when i get to vegas i'll let you know the urls to all the other women there who will be broadcasting their webcams from there, too. and then you can get a more "over all picture" of what might be going on :)

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Horoscope for Aries (August 3 2005)

Don't be forced into making a decision if you aren't ready. Your personal life may not turn out the way you expect. Travel or focusing on work or a project will bring the best results.

and

Strong personality
Valid during several weeks: At this time of year, you will become more concerned with personal matters and less with the world at large. You can project yourself with more forcefulness than usual. It is an excellent time for making an impression on others, but you must be careful because you will not be especially sensitive to their needs. For this reason, you may find it difficult to work with others during this transit. If your efforts to work on projects with others don't seem to get anywhere now, perhaps you should defer them until later. First you should take care of the proper business of this transit, which is to experience yourself in a subjective frame of reference. You have a great need to express yourself now, and it is a valid need. No purpose will be served by denying all your own needs in favor of a misguided concept of duty.

and

It may feel as if there's no one you can share your creative process with, but this isn't the time to wave your own flag. It's not even the best time to let others know what you are feeling. Hold your emotions close and let the energy build before you disperse it by involving anyone else.