july 29th , 2005
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ok, here it is, the show!

http://www.ana2.com/private/backwards/

well, the curator and i had a nice exchange of words which left me feeling better. and that was very good.

i hope you know i appreciate all of YOU!!!
i hope you know this! YOU are who supports me to eat and make my art quite literally! if there is anyone to fawn over it is you for helping to live and grow! do i thank you enough??????
please let me know!
i should make it an effort to thank you EVERY day!

---

i have made this in small font and striked it out because this is something i sent to my mailing list and, i am just going to delete it now (from my mailing list and LJ) as it was just a tantrum of mine which was rather pointless, in the end maybe.

here is my email to my list (not to you):

there are almost 13,000 of you on this mailing list. (and almost 2,000 who are "friends" with my journal)
yet hardly any of you say a PEEP.

WHY is that?
i am curious!
are you afraid of me?
have you blocked this list from you inbox because you were too lazy to unsubscribe?
can't find my email?
what is the deal?
what is YOUR story?
WHY are you here?

when i told ana2.com of my show i made it was:
21,740 accesses (i don't exactly know what that means since there are
only 168 people who have access to ana2 and only 101 of the are paying
members. i know there are 206 (or so) pictures in the show which means that
"accesses" must mean each time someone accessed a thing at my site.
you do the math.
1 person looking at my "show" could be 206 accesses. or maybe 412 accesses.

the next day when i sent this url to YOU, people on my mailing list and LJ...
do you know how many "accesses" this climbed to?

332,265.
which is 66% of my bandwidth which LAST month cost me $600 that i
STILL am trying to come up with.
so i am DELETING that page NOW.

how many of you even said a WORD to me about this on my mailing list? THREE.
3 people said thank you.
what the F-CK?
when i mentioned it in my LJ 12 people acknowledged it (THANK YOU!!!)

it seriously makes me want to delete this entire mailing list from the
internet and never ever send anything out to you ever again. because i
feel really taken for granted.
i understand that not everything i do i going to light a fire under
your butt....
fine....
and to simply sit there in silence, i guess is your "right" , too.
you don't owe me anything for signing up to a free mailing list.
but i don't owe you anything either.

so know that i may just disappear from you life at any moment, as in right now.
which may be no big deal to you, i may just be your 1 second
entertainment of the day.
fair enough.
but know i am REAL and have been sending you beauty and truth and
thoughts for YEARS and how many of you have even ACKNOWLEGED my
existence WITHOUT saying you "whore" or "unsubscribe me" even tho YOU
subscribed YOURSELF? (and *I* pay for it.)

fuckin a. people.

HELLO?

*sings the lyrics to pink floyd's "comfortably numb"

ana

10:24pm

again, how FITTING for this day that i would want to take another photo of this man that is in a book my grandfather wrote, and must be a relative of mine as the photo was given to him by his wife, my grandmother. this book is about the trek of norwegians to canada and called "from fjord to frontier". i still have yet to read it.

it's even signed by him and has lots of writing in it from various relatives and his address where he used to live (all of my grandparents have now passed on).

i never really knew my grandpa on my mom's side.
mostly because he lived in canada and i didn't so i would only see him once every few years. and he had 8 children and TONS of grandchildren who were right there with him near where he lived, so i was pretty low on the totem pole, grandchildwise.
all i know about my grandfather is the legacy of emotional scars he left in his children, with the help of his wife.
both of them, it appears to me now, were narcissists. i really wish i could go back in time and talk to them and see them so i could better understand what happened to my mother and why she is so fuct up which has really fucked up my life.

anyway, yadda yadda yadda. you know the story.
happy memories of my grandfather are his HUGE smile (which started to annoy me as i grew older, but when i was young, i loved it)
and everytime i would see him, he delighted to draw me this ONE rabbit he would draw. he took great pride that he could draw a rabbit with ONE line, like this was some sort of magic trick.
and then he would sign it. i wonder if i will ever come across one i saved?
i sure do hope so.
i knew how much he enjoyed drawing me this rabbit, so when i would see him every few years i would ask him to draw me the rabbit and he would be so happy i asked this.

maybe, in retrospect, he loved this because his wife was a painter and so the house (every freaking inch) was covered wall to wall in her godawful oil paintings.
not only was her house covered with them, but every single one of her children's house was lined with them, and this meant that the house i grew up in with my parent's was lined with them.
they are all just imbedded in my mind. and i wish i could put my finger on why i disliked them so much, but i just can't.
all i can say is they just seem rather soulless, lost and vacant even tho they are done in an impressionist and expressionist style,
with layers and laters of paint so they were very textural...
they just seemed....muddy to me.
they were mostly blurry landscapes and blurry portraits of people.
and, to me, they were not at all inviting, they were maybe almost disturbing, but not in a "let me think about that way", but i just sort of "ho hum" way.
i wish i had pictures of them all now to see them again.
still, to this day, my dad has paintings of hers on his wall.
and i'm just like...why?
i don't think anyone ever questioned my grandmother's art.
we all just took in her paintings and put them on our wall's because "that was just the thing you did in this family".
as an adult now, i'd love to hear what she has to say about her paintings.
i don't think she'd say much because i don't think there was much thought in them.
perhaps i am being very unfair. i don't know.
that is just my impression.

i remember going into her room she painted and she had SO many paintings. just stacks and stacks. and the entire room smelled like linseed oil, which, i love the smell of to this day for that reason, maybe. so there must be something in it that is a good memory for me.
going to my grandparents in canada was always like this "other world" for me. everyone was "so intellectual" and "high society", to me.
(unlike my dad's side of the family who were all very humble farmers, LOVE THEM!)
when we would go there grandma would make tea in th afternoon (the queen and all) and for dinner we would have lamb with mint sauce (which didn't taste all that great to me at the time) which was a very big affair with all the good dishes and crystal out.

pretty much all my aunts and uncles there became "hippies" at the time. one lived on a strawberry farm on vancouver island and slept in a hammock, one (my favourite and the black sheep of the family) was a cross between timothy leary and some sort of evangelical priest.
he would either talk to me about acid, and how i could erase my social security number so i could evade the law, or he would be trying to cast demons out of me with his timid mousey wife (i asked him to try just in case there might be any, i didn't think there was, but hey, i was curious..no demons came out...maybe they are still in there? ha :)
he was always on "sabbatical" it seemed from his job as some sort of doctor (phd) at some college. and he had tenure so even tho they wanted to fire him for being too "radical" (some of my family revealed) they couldn't.
i still don't know what on earth he is a doctor of. i should find out.
he was known to always fuck around on his mousey submissive wife with younger women in gogo boots. everyone would say "i don't know why she puts up with it". he seems to have a "cottage" in many places on this earth.

i still might right him a letter someday because he really betrayed me, in regards to my mom. but whatever.

then i have another uncle who also became a doctor of the body kind.
he was (or maybe is) massively rich and he also had many houses.
he even lived in egypt, for quite awhile, in the 70's and made some pretty well-to-do connections there.
you know people are rich when they start giving their houses fancy names to distinguish which house they are at. he had one on a lake that was especially nice.
he seemed very kind, we never got to know each other, he was very distant. they all were.
but he always had a kind, sad, faraway gentle sort of look and he was one of the pioneers for laser eye surgery.
but his life became tragic after awhile, i hope it's better now.
his son, at a very young age (maybe 10?) died by this freak accident.
they still don't know how he died, but it seemed the boy was maybe jumping off the bed and freakishly got tangled in something that was hanging on a door and snapped his neck and died just like that.
now that i say that, it almost sounds like a hanging, doesn't it?
but i doubt it was. still who knows. tragic. the whole family shook.
my uncle, some say, was there for maybe hours or something (or a very long time) trying to resusitate him. and the thought of it makes me sick actually because it's so sad. i see the image of it in my mind, and my uncle's far away sad look. him being a doctor not being able to save his son's life....fuck....
he had a wife named "candy" who, weirdly, was the only one in the family who paid me an ounce of attention.
as i got older it was she who noticed me and sought me out and took me to an indian reservation where we talked a lot about indians and had lunch. and i bought a beaded necklace of a turtle, even tho i , egotistically, liked the eagle motif better, there was something in me, even then that knew i needed the turle to ground myself and slow down.
i had a portrait of her in my house for many years that i loved.
it was the only painting, that thought was by my grandma, that i ever liked. but i think it might have been painted by one of my aunts. it was never signed. no one in the family would even claim t have painted it, that is why it was never signed, and that is hwy it was given to me, the lowest on the totem pole.
no one in the family liked candy. my mom made sure to tell me this all the time. no reason was ever given. i remember my mom trying to come up with reasons but she couldn't. all i could see was candy seemed to be the most genuine person in the family.
after she did what she did i just went "wow" i guess they saw something in her i never saw and that is why they hated her so much!
but, in retrospect, maybe it was the other way around...i don't know.

then the scandal of that side of the family...
candy declared (my family/mom says) that she had never loved my uncle and that the daughter they had together (their 1st child) was actually not his but she had tricked him into marrying her because she was pregnant and she led him to believe that the daughter was his.
tragically, his REAL flesh and blood, was his son, who had died in the freak accident.
i don't know what happened between them or what made her reveal that to him. but now, i hear, the daughter will have NOTHING to do with my uncle (her dad) whatsoever. and the family is convinced that candy was brainwashed her into hating my uncle.
and then she took him for 1/2 his money and she ended up getting the vacatio house on the lake with the fancy name that we used to BBQ buffalo at. yes, buffalo. it's canada.
you know, i have to try and find her. seriously.
i don't know how i could tho.
but i guess my uncle was left a hollow soul after that.
anyone would be. but he seemed pretty lost before that.
there are a lot of secrets in my family.

but you know, after what happened between my mom and i....and the disinformation there is about me and what happened between she and i...i wonder what is the REAL story behind candy.
the family on my mom's side, i never knew, are SO good at denial.
and they are a little mass consciousness amongst themselves, almost.
i really wonder about all of it.

still, the loss of a son is real.
and there is no denying that.
that is just straight up harsh reality no matter how you angle it.
and it brings tears to my eyes always, even tho i never even knew either my uncle or the boy that much...they are blurry smiling fragments in my mind. and i can see the boy's room, so happy and 1970's. and to see that happy room all in orange and the boy all blue from death and upside down....it just isn't right...it's like a crack in the earth that shouldn't exist. my uncle's gentle slender body hovered over him , frantically, for what must have seemed like eternity, trying to breathe life into what he later would discover, was his only flesh and blood child.
this is a sorrow that has no name.

i got rid of the unsigned porrait of candy in my house in a moment of mass consciousness family guilt.

***

oh god, then i have ANOTHER uncle who is a doctorate in math.
(almost all became doctors...narcissism).
he is just really distant. i totally forgot about him almost!

my aunts. hippies. earth mothers.
except one, who became an alcoholic and married a sicko pervert who sometimes emails me in the guise of something stupid.
according to my mom, their family makes jerry springer look normal.
i guess her sons have visited my site, too.
so here is this poor overlly relgious uptight woman (like my mom) stuck with 3 males who visit my site for "perverted" reasons.
this aunt, she hates me now, and has sent me a couple emails in a drunken rage about what a whore i am.
oh, how the mighty have fallen.

there is only one person in that fanily, one aunt, i MIGHT be able to talk to with some reason, if ever i contacted her. i'm afraid to find out. i'd rather just think i MIGHT be able to talk to her than find out she is an ass, too. so i just keep her in my mind.
she is the one who stayed hippy after the "trend".
still works as an artist and has a little "cottage" somewhere and the family just sort of says "well thank god she can pay her rent and is not going out with that abusive man anymore".
i guess that is one of the reasons i can relate to her.

so....all of this...a huge long story...started with the photo of this long ago relative from my grandfather's book, and my grandfather drawing a rabbit. what i wanted to say about that was, i'll bet my grandpa was happy to draw this for me because his wife was the "artiste" of the family and NO ONE, and i mean NO one dare to say anyone had surpassed her. she was the grande dame of painting! even tho all the women in the family were artists, including me, she made sure to stick a lid on it where that was concerned and it went without saying that SHE was a real artist (because look how MANY paintings she made!) and we were just beginners who could only bow to her "whateverness".
my mom still has scars from this to this day and unfinished watercolours from decades ago of daisies.
my mom wasn't bad either. and in fact, i thought her unfinished watercolour of daisies was a multitude better than 20 of my grandmother's paintings put together.
my mom , once ever decade or so, would bring the painting out and look at it , kind of scared (of what i might think of it) and sad, and say to me that maybe she should do watercolours again, then hide this away again for another decade.
maybe i am overly romanticising the situation. but given all the info i have, it seems very sad to me now. and i hope she finally decides she IS an artist and just goes with it somehow and in someway.
i know she is , she just has to believe in herslef and find her own path.

---

god, if ever i meet her "in the next life" i'm gonna be like, WTF grandma???

so, my grandpa, he stayed with his one trick pony of a rabbit he could draw with one line. he knew his place.

ok, i was saying how fitting i decided to look up and take another photo of this long lost relative. (like i really knew ANY of my relatives) because on that page, i stuck a 4 leaf clover in there to press from this spring.
do you remember when i wrote i wondered if i would ever find a four leaf clover when i was out for one of my walks, and then i looked down and searched for one and i found one! (although it is a bit of a mutant 4 leaf clover...but isn't a 4 leaf clover a mutant to begin with?).
anyway, i decided to press the 4 leaf clover there, against this photo of an old relative that looks like he is from estonia, in his big fur coat. i guess i thought it would magically bring me closer to him, and i guess in a weird roundabout way it has.

i opened the book to take the photo and there was my 4 leaf clover!
the man's name is gudbrand berge. photo 1886.
hello gudbrand.

i am a product of your adventures, i think.

and then there is my OTHER grandfather on my dad's side and HIS wife.
of my stories later...

 

9:33pm

about LJ:

i found out this:

"Users who are using the Tranquility II and Boxer styles will find that other users are unable to comment on their entries. Developers have been notified of the situation, and will be adding a fix as soon as possible. You may wish to
switch to another style in the meantime."

http://www.livejournal.com/support/

what a pisser. now i have to find a new layout but the only layout i like is the one i had called "the boxer"
suckfest! and i have to change layouts in almost all of my journals and communities, too!

so if you see my lj changing colours and styles a lot, it's me trying to find something else i can live with. ok, i'm going with "component" for a minute. it's the only one i can stand and it doesn't stick my usericon in EVERY single one of my posts.
i really liked "a novel conundrum" but that one, also, sticks my user icon in every single one of my posts, and i don't switch user icons with every post, so i find it to be annoying to see my icon over and over and over down the page. i hope they fix this bug soon so i can go back to my beloved boxer layout.

 

7:34pm

6:55pm

i'm not much into turning to dream analysis place that place a fixed interpretation/meaning to a symbol in a dream. i think a chair coud mean different things to different people, for example.
for for the heck of it, i went to look up apples, pears, and figs.
because 1st, in my dream, i thought it was an apple tree, but it was a pear tree, and then it turned into a fig tree. so i went to look stuff up for the heck of it and i was surprised to find the "meaning" for apples you see strewn on the ground does match my experience with the australian fiasco. and the rotting apples, too! spot on!

apples:
To see apples growing in a tree in your dream, symbolizes wisdom and great prosperity. Well-earned rewards will be promising in your future. Consider also the common phrase, "an apple a day keeps the doctor away" which may imply that you need to take better care of your health.

To dream that you are eating an apple, denotes harmony, pleasure, and fertility. In a biblical sense, eating an apple symbolizes your sexual appetite and awareness and lustful desires as associated with the apple in the Garden of Eden.

To see apples scattered on the ground in your dream, signifies that false friends are working to deceive and harm you.

To see rotten or eaten apples in your dream, denotes that what you are striving and aiming for may not be fulfilling, and even harmful to you. It may also represent your carelessness.

pears:
Incubation of new ideas

figs:
To see figs in your dream, signifies a turn for the positive. To dream that you are eating figs, signifies a favorable turn in health. To see them growing, symbolizes profit and wealth.

 

4:44pm
(read the entry i made at 2:22pm before this one 1st)

more on Tiferet and also the meaning of apples!
i remembered as i read that page that the apples in the tree of life i saw were green (as in green apples that were ripe, not green apples that were not ripe). and green apples mean healing.
i also found it funny, that circumcision was once again mentioned in something i read, as i have had dreams about the ritual of circumcision twice that were very intense. i was unhappy with the "blood ritual" as i saw it is extremely unnecessary, but i knew that had important meaning anyway, but not until we evolved would we be able to express this meaning in a less barbaric way.

but on that page it says that circumcision is related to the number 8.
(you can go read why)
but again, there is the ever present number 8 in my life!

also on another page i was reading it mentioned tiferet in the context of "as above, so below" because it is the center of the tree that connects the top half of the tree to the bottom half.. it is the very center for which these 2 halves meet.
so again, that is very similiar to the rune ingwaz that i dreamt about. i keep having the recurring theme of "the thing that unifies "heaven" and earth".
the meeting place where this happens. and how this creates a doorway.
so so fascinating!

i also think it's very facinating how i keep dreaming about jewish things. true, jason is jewish but he is not a practicing jew and his family and i have never had a discussion about the religion at all.
and i've never heard them talk about it. all i pretty much know about the jewish religion is that they do not believe that jesus christ is the son of god, they have some excellent food in their culture, i've learned a lot of yiddish words, and when they get married the guy breaks a glass.
oh and of course, the history of them i have read in the bible, and then of course, the fucking holocaust *shivers*.

bobby z, my manager for my music, is also jewish. and he was, i guess, the 1st jewish person in my life in a big way, and after that i met so many jews that i called myself "the partridge in the jew tree" (which is a damn good place to be, let me tell you! and now has even more significance as i learn about the tree of life).
after i met bobby, my next boyfriend, robert, came from a jewish family, and then the evil boyfriend who i will not speak his name was jewish, and then right after him was jason.
and none of these people did i know were jewish when i met them. it just so happens i keep ending up with jews in my life.
and i just really love it.
they have such a rich fabulous culture, and with the exception of a few, i have found them to be way more progressive, accepting, loving nonjudgemental than any of the other cultures i have come into contact with, including my own, especially. and they have such a great sense of humour about themselves that i thoroughly enjoy.

(i am speaking of modern jews not the hasidic ones which are really down on women, as the strict catholic church is, too.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hasidic_Judaism
here are all the "movements" of jews
http://www.jewfaq.org/movement.htm)

as i get older, i am learning so much about my culture, too, which i knew practically nothing about.
all i knew about my culture when i was growing up is that it seemed pretty boring to me and i was always a little bit embarrassed about it, thinking it had to be one of the most boring cultures i could see.
the going to church and singing the terrible hymns, the stoicness and analness, horrible food like lutefisk.
i was bummed. i wanted to be an indian (american indian).
and i've always felt a very very strong bond with egypt!
and that is who i always felt i was deep down inside.
and then i finally met a bunch of american indians and that really bummed me out. long stories in that.

but it all goes back to reincarnation and how i can remember many of my past lives/heritages. like my indian one (many indian ones), and how i also know i was jewish during the holocaust, but i escaped the trains and i went into hiding and hid for the rest of my life, and i'm still working through that.
and now, strangely i find myself in a nordic body, of all things.
and it probably was because of my indian and jewish lives that i despised and was ashamed of being nordic up until my 30's or so when i started delving into the actual past of nordic people and realized how spiritual it WAS at one point, and all the pagan roots.

and now it's nice to see this side of it to be able to appreciate the heritage and culture of nordic people. whereas before i did not have that luxury as i was the one being oppressed and killed by nordic people. so it is this really beautiful feeling of harmony to remember/be an indian/a jew/ and a norwegian-swede all at once.
and ALL of this resides peacefully together now, each piece of me really appreciatng all the other pieces and there really is a "meeting of minds" in me. and weird how writing this makes me cry right now.
i had no idea that writing about this would be so healing.

and all of a sudden i realize that this is my dream,
and i am in teferit, the green healing apple in the center where everything merges and there is harmony and beauty and peace, and healing.
all the branches of the tree merge in me. all my lives merge here and are in harmony and are healed.

wow.

*tears streaming down my face*

thank you universe for this beautiful realization and knowing.
how unexpected this was to find this right now.

i always had this underlying struggle in me that was always there even when i did not consciously know it was so deep.
and me crying about this was really unexpected.
i feel almost awkward, it's like one of the moments you hear about like if someone is getting a massage and all of a sudden they break out crying because issues come to the surface that were stuck in the memories of their tissue. (i'm so new age, so..i'll just let you go research about that if it interests you about memories that are stored in our body and how having bodywork done can help to resolve and heal these things).
anyway, i never had any experience like that with bodywork.
although the closest i could come to it would be after getting my tattoo i sobbed but had to stop myself because everyone around me thought i was being weird about it, i felt. and so i did not allow myself that perfect time to sob about sonia's death and release it from me as it naturally should have happened at that moment.

i surely wasn't expecting to cry or have any breakthrough today.
i wasn't looking for it or even striving for it.
i just kind of "walked right into it" by my journaling.

sometimes when i have been very drunk i have said things (that i don't remember, and people will tell me later i said them) that, at that time, seemed to be nonsense.
things like, "i'm a little indian girl"
and once i said "damn swedes. i hate them" or something to that respect.
which, the next day, after it was told to me i just had to say that made NO sense at all because i don't hate the swedes, in fact i AM swedish. and when i said i hated the swedes , i was just learning more about their culture and heritage and really finally becoming very excited about my "roots".

but about a week ago it finally clicked why i had said those 2 seemingly bizarre statements.
my past life as an indian was really resenting/hating the pioneers (my relatives in this life) who came over here and took the land of the indians.
and i chose to come back as a swede/norwegian so that i could appreciate and heal this hatred i had for the nordic people.
and wow, it worked!

it's just like how i knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that the native americans that i have talked to, so far, in this life, were the reincarnations of the people who had slaughtered the indians.
and now, karmically, they had to live in indian bodies in THIS life to reap what they had sewn by their thoughtless and brutal actions.
i remember looking in this drunk indian's eye once, on the street, and i just SAW that with so much clarity. i can't say how, it was just this overwhelming "knowing/feeling" thing.
and it really was a huge awakening for me about a lot of things about reincarnation and karma and a ton of stuff.

here i had NO IDEA, that my life here, was the EXACT same thing, almost!

i remember looking at that indian and being pissed off, because i knew it was one of the people who, in a past life, had slaughtered my people (the indians, since that is how i identified myself at my core).
and i thought to myself, self righteously, *I* am more indian than YOU are and YOU don't even see it.
i felt cheated. like here was this indian with this amazing heritage and culture of some of the most intense spirituality i knew, pissing his life away, being totally unspiritual and not grasping his sacred beautiful heritage and claiming it, and becoming a stronger person for it. he was still the same clueless fucktard of a cowboy with a gun, just wasting shit away with no consideration to himself or others, with no connection of how all the pieces of the puzzle fit together, drunk off his ass because he is probably terribly confused as to how he ended up in the position he was in.

and here i was, the nordic one, who is not invited to their ceremonies, who felt totally left out by "my people", knowing i would never be accepted as a "true indian" because i was, obviously NOT in an indian body. and i felt just cheated and left out.

but then, WTF? i just realized now i have done the EXACT SAME THING!
drunk off my ass, muttering words that at the time seemed nonsensical...not grasping how the pieces of the puzzle fit together and being very frustrated as to how i ended up in a nordic body and not grasping MY sacred and beautiful heritage that this body is connected to (all the pagan rituals and runes , etc) and grasping it and using it to empower MYself!

and all these "spiritualities" all come from the same source anyway.
so it's not like one is better than the other. they are just all tools to get to the same place.

how fucking ironic that as i judged that indian/cowboy i, myself, was in almost the exact same position and working shit out to!

wow. i am just amazed!

it's so cool. i feel totally "unified" even tho i can remember bits and pieces of many of my previous lives, i have always felt the core "me" that was always there "behind" the lives/bodies. so it's not like i felt i have "multiple personalities". my personality has, pretty much, been the same throughout. but at the same time right now, i can see the indian me, the nordic me, and the jewish me all sitting in a circle facing each other in my heart center (my teferit) and finally "smoking the peace pipe" about this. that is the symbol i get when i "see" this.
it's really cool!

of course there are other lives, like when i was a japanese man and i was a potter. and i really want to access that life more because it seems to be so peaceful, unlike the other lives i remember.
maybe i just remember the ones that were painful the most because, i guess the issues for those are still being dealt with.
and the ones that are peaceful don't need to be remembered.
but i want to remember them because i need to access HOW to get my life to be more peaceful like that.
and when you can remember the feeling, it is so much easier to create that reality. because feelings are the very "highways and freeways and roads" to getting to where you want to go.

so...i guess i will stop writing now.
that is enough for today!

this is an even better meaning for tiferet, for me, it describes much better what my experience has been today.

it is called "the beautiful synthesis"

Tiferet -- which literally means "beauty" or "glory" -- is the most central as it mediates between chesed ("kindness") and gevurah ("strength").

Literally taken, the word "middle" implies a compromise, a "little of this" and a "little of that." But the word "middle" has a much more positive and pronounced connotation when used as a description of tiferet. It connotes a way that is of a completely different nature than either of the two previous sefirot -- it uses them both, but in amounts that suit an entirely different mode of activity....

....Tiferet then is not a "compromise." A compromise has no overriding vision of integration. Rather, when two sets of horns are implacably locked, one whittles down enough of each to remove the danger of mutual destruction. Tiferet is, rather, a long and more unifying picture which gives each set of horns their rightful place, so that they are no longer locked in combat.

This is why it is called tiferet, "beauty," for beauty is always attained by integrating elements and playing them off against each other. Black and white are opposites; their proper integration creates beauty. Beauty does not adjudicate contrasts and turn everything gray; rather, beauty integrates both black and white into a picture of depth."



2:22pm

i had an interesting dream.
i was in a park whre there was outdoor classes of some sort. jason was in a different class than i was, and when mine was done i wanted to go looking for him but they wouldn't let me. so i scanned the park to try to see him to see if i could wave at him, at least. one of the teachers pointed to a tall daisy that was at 3rd base on a baseball diamond. there was also a bat there and i wondered if he meant that he wanted me to play baseball with him or pick the daisy.
at first i picked the daisy thinking he meant that i could then use the daisy to wave at jason to make my arm longer. but i still could not find jason. so i picked up the bat, even tho i knew i cannot play baseball for shit or ever hit a ball.
but i decided to try anyway and i instructed the teacher to pitch me a ball. he did and i hit the ball completely out of the park! it was weird because even tho i knew i could NOT ever hit a ball with a bat, i just decided that i could and i would surprise him. and he WAS surprised! and so he threw another and i hit that one out of the park, it went high into the sky, over the trees and out of view. then i noticed the bat was getting all splintery and it was about to break and i told him the bat was about to break, and i tried to find a good grip on it anyway so i wouldn't hurt myself on it, and then he picthed a 3rd ball and i hit that one out of the park.
i wanted to continue but he said they were all out of balls. but i saw lots of balls in the grass and i went to go fetch them. i picked one up and i realized these weren't baseballs but rotting apples.
i said "this is a rotting apple and they are everywhere!"
and the teacher said, "nope, they're pears"
i then realized this park was full of pear trees and other fruit trees that were completely ripe with fruit, but there was a city ordinance against anyone picking fruit from the trees and so no one got to eat any. all we would get is the fruit if it dropped from the tree and by that time it was either overripe or rotting.

i thought what a shame this is. and i saw an apple tree that had apples the size of pumpkins in it.
the tree was round, almost like a kabbalah tree. it's hard to explain but the branches were like the kabbalah and the apples arranged in the kabbalah order.
oh weird, so i went looking for a photo of the kabbalah and i found out the image i saw IS called "the tree of life!"
how cool is that??

http://www.projectmind.org/treeoflife.html

i remember the apple in the center is the one i wanted, and in the kabbalah this one is called:
"TIFERET"

which means:

"(Beauty/the heart)

Tiferet is the center column. It says, "I know it is going to happen and I see what is required for its realization. I feel it can happen." Tiferet is self-contained. It is a beautiful experience of presence that can tend to beatitude. Tiferet means "beauty," the beauty of balance and symmetry foreshadowing success. We can taste success long before it is achieved, which generates the energy and even elation of anticipation. The experience of being centered is the validation of our intention, the springboard for action. "I'm balanced and poised for action. I know what I want and I know what's required."
Tiferet is the balance between and synthesis of Chesed and Gevurah. Through intention, through determination, I now arrive at the conviction that my discovery/invention will take form. Tiferet is a place of silence, a warm place, a place of confidence and feeling, rather than conventional, reactive, emotional, fragmented feeling. It is the subjective knowledge that this will be realized. I know, emotionally, that realization is now possible and even probable."

so wonderful!!! how does my mind know this already without me ever studying this?
it's so cool how we are all connected to the "cosmic consciousness!"

anyway, even tho it was against city rules, i was determined to take a bite out of that apple.
(i realize now how this is the story of adam and eve and i am eve! going to eat the forbidden fruit of knowledge!)

i wanted to know what it tasted like and it looked so beautiful and i knew city rules were stupid because why let all these fruits go to waste and rot off the tree?
then the tree was a fig tree (i don't even actually know if figs grow on trees, i think they do)
wow, you know i just did an image search for "fresh figs"

and i realize i have never even eaten a fresh fig before!
i've only eaten dried figs, what do fresh ones taste like?
i'll have to look up the meaning of figs later.

maybe because i don't know what a fresh fig looks like, or something else...
but this tree was covered in dried figs that looked actually more like dates.
are dates and dried figs the same thing? i don't even know...

so this tree was covered in them all lined up ready to be plucked and eaten.
but higher up on the tree there was a special kind of fig that was more like a clip that would go around the branch.
i wish i knew how to explain this. i'd have to draw you a picture.
but it was extra bark that clipped around the branch and so it was kind of hidden, but it was easy to get off the tree.
after you would unclip it from the tree you would scrape the fruit from the bark with your teeth, like how you do when you eat an artichoke.
and i have never ever had such a TASTE sensation in my dream before!
i still can almost taste it! it was like a fig highly concentrated, way more sweet, way more intense, the flavours of it so enhanced and intricate and powerful, i could not beleive i had never tasted a fruit THIS delicious!
and i thought "well, organic fruit is SO much better than regular fruit!"
but when i tried the ordinary figs from the tree they tasted just ordinary.
only these special ones that were behind the bark tasted like this, but they were fewer on the tree.
i thought myself so lucky to have experienced this and felt sad for people who had never tasted anything like this before.and i wondered how somehow i could get everyone to be able to know of this.

and then i noticed there were also wild plums and wild blueberries.
and it was so fun to eat these things straight from the trees and bushes, just as the indians would have done hundreds of years ago. and i thought what a precious amazing thing fruit must have been to people who people who could only ever eat it when it was in season and couldn't get it year round at a grocery store. and that children must have treated fruit like a very special candy as there wouldn't have been refined sugar available to them at all times back then.
so fruit would have been such a treat!

and i also saw how fruit changes colour from the beginning of it's life til the end of it's life. and i thought how ingenius that it tells it by what colour it currently is, which state it is in so we know EXACTLY when it the perfect time to eat it!
this realization made me so happy :)

and then the rest of my dream was me scheming and plotting of how i was going to go into this park in the middle if the night to collect all the fruit in secret and how not to get caught an arrested for doing this.
but i knew i was going to do it and so i started walking around the city and in the park trying to discern where the surveillance cameras were so i could best get in and out of the park without being seen.

---

then i had a really terrible dream before that that i was in some godawful swimsuit pageant and i did not have a swimsuit. i don't really care to recall that dream as much,it was just a dream about feeling uncomfortable and being judged. and blah ditty blah.

but i am excited about my tree of life dream and i am going to google "TIFERET" more and stuff to learn.

oh, and i sent that email (in yesterday's anagram) to the curator and i cced it to the director because i am not havinng this curator just out and out lie about how i had misrepresented what i was going to do and stuff when i was very clear and she oked it.
so i feel really good about that and i feel that part of my life is over and done with now and i learned a lot from the experience about what to avoid in the future and how to go about avoiding it.
and how i need to research things more and ask more questions before getting involved in projects instead of just merrily hoping for the best and blindly saying yes to things.
also, i don't think i will do things for free, like that, anymore.
i will never say never, but i am quite sure i won't.
because i really believe that if they truly valued what i was doing, they could at least make the SYMBOLIC gesture of paying even say, $20. i mean just anything, just as a symbol of their appreciation.
SOME sort of offering. and if they are not even willing to make a symbolic offering of appreciation, and they can't even bother to even give me $15 to sign up for ana2, but it's me who is giving them free ana2, so basically i am paying THEM to be in their show, well, that is just not right.
i'm sure that if they truly had valued me and my work they would have, at the very least, offered to pay me at least $15. and they refused to do even that much. so, i am not working with those sort of people ever again.
i'm not trying to be a diva and make unrealistic demands. and i am happy to be a part of things that have a very low budget or no budget at all. but COME ON, they COULD have, at least, made SOME sort of offering to me of appreciation. a card! a thank you note! a basket of FRUIT! a fucking internet card. some virtual flowers.
a LINK back to MY site. there is NO link that even links back to me on their site!
in fact, i see they did not even MENTION my url! sure they said "anacam" but that is not giving the full URL.
that just ridiculous.

anyway. enough of that. i am so over it now.

+++

Horoscope for Aries (July 29 2005)

Your heart is in the right place and you can make a difference to the people in your life. Your intuition will be enhanced and you should make any decisions with confidence.

and

Loaded with energy
Ego energies and physical energies run very high during this time. You will feel positively loaded with energy, for which you must find an adequate outlet, or you will have problems. The best way to handle this influence is to do some necessary heavy physical work. But that will work out only if you derive satisfaction from doing it. Sports, if you are at all athletic, is an excellent outlet. If you just sit around, you will begin to feel itchy and restless for no apparent reason and then become quite irritable. In this mood you will snap at anyone who comes along for no reason at all. This time is quite good for initiating any new project on your own. It is a time of beginnings, and you should use it for that purpose, particularly for projects that you will be identified with and be given credit for.

and

Getting used to a slower pace of life isn't as easy as it sounds, and it serves you well to practice relaxation techniques now such as yoga, tai chi or meditation. If you have excess energy, try working in the garden or doing something creative around the home later in the day.