july 28th , 2005
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ok, here it is, the show!

http://www.ana2.com/private/backwards/

3:02am

no shit.

http://www.teknikunst.com/profiles/

this is the festival director of teknikunst:
http://www.teknikunst.com/profiles/kristen.htm

this was my curator:
http://www.teknikunst.com/profiles/katherine.htm

no fucking wonder.

i am old enough to have given birth to these people. i am 16 to 17 years older! they were 15 years old when i started my webcam.
they were not even born yet, maybe, when i recorded my 1st record.

no wonder they are excited that 30 people showed up to my "event"
and were afraid of "bad press"
at that age, so was i.

i know a few brilliant people who are that age or younger who inspire me daily, and far too many people to count who are way over my age and still seem clueless. so it's not always accurate to factor in age into something.
but ya....i think i can factor it in here, from what i have experienced from this.

i am really happy that they are so ambitious as this age and see so much potential in things.
but they need to learn some tact, and some....life lessons for which i cannot describe. to treat me in that way. really really bad mistake.

a lesson learned on my part....
from now on i will INVESTIGATE THOROUGHLY that which i am about to get involved in.

i didn't do that so much. i investigated what the festival was "about"
and i thought it sounded cool and so wanted to be a part.
but i am going to ask WAY more questions from now on.
yes, i have learned a lot from this.

even at 39 , i still don't have the details down in all areas.
you'd think i would.
i give people the benefit of the doubt too much maybe.
but i like that about me.
still...
i need to find more of a balance so i don't get taken advantage of like this again.

but tonight...i felt i was right back on columbia records with some chick who had just gotten out of high school interning, bossing me around thinking she was the shit, fucking up my art.
i went right back there. BOOM.
you'd think i'd know by now to avoid this sort of thing.
but hey...there i was...fuck.

let this be the last of this sort of thing.
it's so not worth it.
i don't have time for this bullshit.

it's so hard sometimes to know what to invest your energy in and what not to.

sometimes it feels like a crapshoot.
i guess it is, in a way.

fuck art school.

 

2:22am

1:29am

it's just weird.
i wanted to write last night before my show "why do i have such a feeling of doom about this show?"
but i didn't want to "jinx" it so i didn't write that.
but i have to wonder did my feeling of doom CREATE this "reality" for me?
or was my feeling of doom simply intuition/"psychicness" of how i knew events were going to "fated" to unfold?
which came 1st the chicken or the egg?

1:00am

the letter i may send to the curator of the my event when i wake up tomorrow and have thought this over more:

"of course, i'm very disappointed about the reactions described in your e-mail...

obviously you misunderstood the presentation (and someone misrepresented it to the director) - whereas i thought i was very clear on what i would be doing. please re-read our e-mails... i don't know how much more clear i could have be than when i said:

"what this show consists of is 206 pictures from the past 3 years of my cam
with words in some. it will play in an order. after the 206 pictures
are done which are the puzzle (and the very beginning of it is me
explaining who i am and what i do)
then at the end, i will turn my cam on live for every for the
remainder of the 2 hours.

i will also have my cam on live right BEFORE i play "the puzzle" so
people can see me live just a bit...then i will play the 206 pictures,
then will turn my cam back on"

it's all there in that quote - past pictures from the last 3 years, and live at the beginning and end.

you replied to this e-mail ("i'm really excited, sounds like
its going to be great."), so having no complaint or question from you led me to believe you were fine with what i was planning. did you skim these e-mails or skip the text!?

i also looked at the programme guide you sent out, and there isn't anywhere that it states i will be performing live (although i see i was misrepresented as being the first webcam to be broadcast worldwide - i was the first to use the webcam as 'art' and the second 24/7 homecam after jennicam, not the first webcam to broadcast. the trojan coffee pot cam was 1st.).
i made sure to read your programme (pdf file on site) to make sure that what was said there was something that i would deliver. webcam software is able to broadcast live *and* recorded material; i chose to broadcast a combination (live at the beginning which you missed because of your technical difficulties, and live at the end, as stated in the above quote). i often work with a combination of techniques. and since my piece was about time and redefining oneself over and over, i chose to combine past and present. and if people didn't like that, that happens. i don't expect everyone to like what i do and it's impossible for an artist to meet everyone's expectations.
i can't be all things to all people. i can only do the best that i can do and be true to myself. but i did not misrepresent myself.

the fact that i put in a ton of work on this presentation (over 40 hrs) and stayed up till 5am running it and watching over it, without any financial compensation, makes this all the more frustrating. people are going to like what they like, and i'm sorry some were disappointed (i'm not everyone's cup of tea). but to insinuate that i undermined the festival because of this misunderstanding is absolutely insulting and that is what irks me the most. i did not fail to deliver my art in the unique and ever changing manner that i do. this show was one of a kind and made specifically for this festival. if people didn't like if what i presented, that's disappointing (i received, personally, quite a few good reviews...so there you go...you win some you lose some.), but it happens sometimes (i'm not sure what's more "raw" than my sliced-up arm, and pictures taken during a suicidal nervous breakdown, but that's another topic, and believe me, everyone has a different opinion as to why my cam is significant and successful. YOU think it's because it's live, yet look at how many thousands of webcams out there now that are live. i think it has to be a bit more than just the "live" factor to be significant and successful, but that is just how i see it as i have pondered this the past 8 years.) - a chat-room (as i requested) would have definitely made this more "interactive" and have a "live" feel. it's also too bad that the introduction was missed; that was essential to the piece.

but debating why my cam is successful or what i could have done to please everyone is pointless. everyone has a different view of that. my only 1 major unhappiness with your critique of the evening is the insinuation that i did not deliver what i promised i would and that i what i did somehow reflected badly on the festival, as a whole, and now, because of me and me alone, the festival might get some bad press.
i think that is really unfair.

i'm glad that people enjoyed my music, and am sorry that the director wasn't happy with you (and my piece). and that is certainly unfortunate about the technical difficulties. i'm also sorry that you and i weren't in sync with what this presentation was about. i appreciate that you were honest in your feedback, so please take this in the same manner - please be more clear about what it is you expect, and ask questions about what you don't understand... it will make for a much less frustrating experience.

ana"

11:56pm

i mean fuck. when i did the show (and i never do preplanned shows hardly EVER) for the premiere of the movie webcam girls in vancouver, it was only an HOUR, and they PAID me, which i used for the multitude of supplies i needed to put on a unique show.
i bought that birthday cake and tons of weird food and fish and props...
putting on a show for no money that is 2 hours long which consists of 1 still photo done live every 30 seconds with nothing else?
between 3am and 5am?
who understands the task of that?
and i don't expect everyone to like what i do.
but i told them what i was going to do EXACTLY and they said FINE.
i just grrrr..... *stewing*
i delivered exactly what i said i would. THEIR computers malfunction so people miss me live at the beginning and the essential introduction. and now "they fear bad publicity for their festival"
(a 3 week long festival and MY cam show is going to ruin it for their entire fucking festival?) because they think i misrepresented what i was going to do?
i TOLD them i will be live at the beginning for 5 minutes, then there will be 206 pictures from the past 3 years which are a puzzle to solve. after those 206 pictures are completed, i will turn my cam back on live.
which i DID.
i said that exact thing. they oked it.
did they even read my emails that they replied to?
wtf?

10:04pm

i don't know whether to cry or to be very angry.
i got the worst news possible about my show in australia that was extremely insulting and unjust. they had terrible computer malfunctions in the beginning which made 1/2 of the audience leave (and audience of only 30). and she basically said that *I* made their 3 week long festival look bad and that i did not deliver what they had wanted even tho i was as clear as can be in telling them PRECISELY what my show would consist of and they oked it.
i am just kind of trying to process this and i am...i don't know what to say. i worked my ASS off on this for them for FREE. i at LEAST put in 40 hours of work on that and it was one that was completely and totally unique to one i have EVER done and was made just for them, for FREE....their computer malfunctions, they couldn't even figure out how to put a CHATROOM up and this is a TECHNOLOGY festival. they misrepresented ME in their programme and i delivered EXACTLY what i said i would. and *I* made THEM look bad?

(stopped writing this because jason came over and listened to me rant and calmed me down and helped me articulate a reply to them which i will think over and send when i am more calm) i'll make another entry explaining what this is about in a minute but i feel rather sick right now, like i'm going to lose my stomache any minute.

i am so insulted.

in the grand scheme of things this is not a big deal.
but it feels pretty piss poor right at this second.

this really reminds me of the music industry and how they would take what i do for granted and always want monkeys to be flying out of my ass while i stood on my head and whistling dixie backwards, all for free. and then if i didn't supply them with their dog and pony show with donkeys on fire and twizzlers up my butt they would say *I* made them look bad. fuck that shit.

 

9:12pm

back from jason's.
we watched this film that was brother's quay-like but wasn't brother's quay. it came before them. it was called "alice" and based on alice in wonderland. i had seen it before but it was cool to see it again.

i'm just being laid. still anxiously awaiting an email from australia to let me know how it went last night. it's noon there now. i'll probably hear from them sometimes in the next 4 hours, i think. but i might be in bed by then.

the happy news that i can FINALLY tell you is that jason got a new job!
his last day at his old one is TOMORROW!
we are both SO excited and it really hasn't even sunk in yet!
he was really worried he was going to have to take a huge pay decrease if he went with a new job, the computer technology industry being how it is these days. but this new one he miraculously makes even a bit more. his title has a "senior" in it and this job, we both think is going to be a ton less stressful for a myriad of reasons.
one of the big reasons is that the job he is leaving had a very very long commute and the drive home and there was very horrid.
this job is closer and so he is going to have HOURS of his life back where he doesn't have to sit in traffic all the time. so this is just wonderful! and he is going to get to work on projects that are more interesting to him, at this time.

so this is a massively wonderful thing in both of our lives because his stress is my stress and vice versa. so i am so happy that are lives are going to be less stressful now, hopefully, and i will see more of him :) plus, after tomorrow, i think he has either 12 or 16 days off before he starts his new one! and we can get back to doing our daily walks.

still the change and the unknown has a stress all of it's own.
but we can handle this kind much better :)
i'm just really so happy about this and so is he!

so that was the huge thing he told me the other day after i did that weird "luck luck" ritual, and i had really been paying attention to the prosperity corner and relationship corner of my homes "bagua" feng shui wise! could be coincidence. maybe not. i don't.

but things are about to massively improve!
i did the luck luck ritual and 5 minutes later he runs in and says " got the job with a pay INCREASE" (and this was just hours after his interview!), which with both were NOT expecting.
but jason totally rules which is why he got the job. he is just so brilliant at his job. he is the total package.

and then another good thing happened which was this other condo opened up in the complex that is going to be built (but not done for 2 years from now) which was even in a better location than the one he put money down, and even tho it was more costly, they said he could have it at the same price! i don't know WHY!

so THAT is totally cool.

so ya, there is just a lot of good stuff happening that i have not been able to talk about! and even tho i can't give you any details on any of it, i least i can tell you what is happening, in general! :)

none of it really feels real yet since he isn't at his new job yet and this condo won't be built for 2 years. but the future looks good.

now i just need to get myself more financially stable and things will be completely good :) as soon as i can get off the server i am on now that charges me up the ass for everything, i will be in a much better position, financially. i'm just waiting for them to snail mail me backups of my site.

i'm just going to keep on truckin' , as they say :)
and i'm going to keep feng shuing and getting rid of clutter and streamlining my life and just continue to do what i love and pray the universe will be kind.

so far, this whole feng shui thing seems to be working pretty darn well!

and 11 days until vegas, baby!

6:18pm

ok, my window is still fuct.
the one i couldn't get shut...now i can't get it open.
or actually it will open, but it won't stay open, it wants to slam shut if i try to even open it an inch. i would have to stick something in that window to keep it from slammming shut if i wanted it open.
argh.

i think i will go to bed very early tonight.

5:56pm

i ate a sandwhich and that made me want to go right back to sleep!
i'm trying to just keep going to take out the trash and i have to get to the little store for dishwasher soap.
i'm making another soup because i just can't stop making soup!
so doiing these things and then i'm going to jason's to watch a movie called "alice" which is some sort of alice in wonderland thing.
downloaded more M.I.A. joy! her album Arular.
so freaking awesome.

4:44pm

i have so many things i need to do today. but i just don't want to do any of them and i want to relax. jason is on his way home. he is very tired and doesn't want to go for a walk. but i may go for a walk anyway. i feel i need some fresh air.
but i'm not really sure if that will happen or not, because once jason gets home i just like to be with him. he wants to relax, too.
i need to eat something...

2:41pm

today i will be working in getting the show i made up in ana2.
it will take me awhile, i think, so be patient, but it'll be up soon :)

i haven't heard one single peep from anyone in australia about how my show went there.
i have no idea if 5 people went to it, or 50, or 100, or no one.
or if the computer fuct up there and it didn't even happen!
i just have no idea what went on or how it went and it's frustrating. :(
i sure do hope i hear from someone today about how it went!
*twitches*

i'm glad i got lots of sleep.
i'm going to crank the music now and work on getting this show in an anagram for you!

+++

Horoscope for Aries (July 28 2005)

Take a vacation or make plans to do something fun. You have to socialize or get involved in an activity. A new acquaintance will turn out to be someone who becomes very special to you.

and

Lavish tastes
Valid during several weeks: This influence can be financially either good or difficult, depending upon how you handle it. Financial opportunities may come up, but difficulties may arise from your tendency to be extravagant. Often your tastes will be more lavish than your budget can afford. You are especially susceptible to beautiful clothes, jewelry and art objects to beautify your home. This influence can be quite favorable to financial negotiations. You will be able to handle the relationships involved in any transactions to your benefit, for this influence always grants the ability to handle people. Investments made under this influence are usually quite advantageous, especially investments in art or objects of beauty. Again, be careful not to invest money that you need for everyday living.
The interpretation above is for your transit selected for today:
Venus in the 2nd House 2
activity period from 21 July 2005 to 11 August 2005.

and

As Mars says goodbye to your sign today, life will begin to settle down to normal. Look back over the last six weeks and think about what has happened. Now, as the intensity eases, put your attention to building value. It's time for you Rams to come to your senses and slow down so you don't burn yourself out before you get to your destination.