july 26th , 2005
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11:59pm

ok, that sucks. a folder contains 698 files and i need to get it down to 200!
i can't explain....

ok now down to 555 files.

6:55pm

secretly worked on stuff for my show.
brain melt.
now i'm going to jason's to watch a movie and unwind a bit.

put my sheets in the dryer.

be back soon.

4:19pm

it's funny as i find more about saturn, the greek's called him kronos, and he is the father of time.
which fits into my whole "time" thing i have been thinking about for my show.

so now i think i finally understand why i was shown i had a keychain that said "saturn" from the past and that i also have a second newer one now.

my 1st "keychain" in regards to time is symbolic of my song "backwards" which is about time and how you can change time and redefine yourself at any "time".
i think the keychain was hollow and had a special drawer in it that was empty because i really didn't get to finish that song as i would have liked. like i think the bridge really sucks and is cheesy and horribly executed.
so, the empty drawer meant there was room for more things, but that never came to be.

now i am working with this song again, and making something about "time" and that is the keychain i have now.

that is not some sort of revalation to me, because i know i am working on this twice.
but is is interesting that my subsconscious knew that saturn was involved with time.

saturn also plays a key role in many of the "secret societies". and the nazis had some big thing with it and called it "the black sun". or the back son (satan). the masons are heavily into saturn.

the sickle is also associated with saturn as he was supposedly the god of agriculture, but if you look into it more, it was actually given to him by his mother to castrate his father.
(i'll invetigate that more later. man, the greek myths are weird)
interesting that this is a common symbol for communism.
and just a bunch of other political things (to this day)
i could go on and on but i'm tired of thinking about this now and i just really don't understand it enough to really go on at any length about it, i'm still unravelling it's mystery.

but saturn is the bringer of time.
before saturn there was chaos...or something.

my brain is fried, but i must find further energy to complete my project.
but thank god i have solved my dream so now i can move on with my day!

oh! and another connection. in my dream the guy was trying to rape and torture me with a giant ink pen because the same had been done to him...actually, it was because he had been castrated and was very angry about it.
or it had something to do with his balls...something violent had been done to them.

and also interesting that my belongings to start my school and my retail store called 'the owl" were packed in 2 silver rubber balls!

what is this thing with balls now?
well, i do have an orb fetish but i wouldn't go so far that i have a thing for testicles.
this is getting too freudian for me now.

i've also had 2 significant dreams which involved circumcision and time...it's just all really weird i would dream about circumcision and castration and balls and i don't even have a penis.
it's just plain weird.

you must all think i'm nuts. (NUTS, get it?)
ohmigod somebody slap me i'm losing it! :)

i think i need a nap but i am far too hyper from red bull. damn.

damn you red bull! and damn you maintenance guys who fixed my window and made me get up early so i had to drink one! now i have been a hyper spaz all day!

2:51pm

http://spirals.eternite.com/implosionmovies/12strandsvideo.html

watch this video!

*mind implodes*
oh funny, i see now that it's even called implosion movies. ha!

it's supposedly "simple and lots of fun"!

am i just stupid or is this not very simple at all?
i want my blood to become a source of gravity that bends the stars by e-charging with my environment and making sure that i take responsibility that my environment is charged fractal?

sounds good to me! except he sounds rather elitist.

but the more i look at this site and watch his videos, even tho there is so much incredible information on his site, i think his site is more about "look at how brilliant i am and how stupid you are!"
and i can understand his frustration. but if he really is the be all and end all in the "physics of bliss" i would think i would feel more of a "bliss" feeling from his website and from his videos.
instead, you really get the feeling that this man is not about bliss at all here:

http://spirals.eternite.com/implosionmovies/illuminator1.html

and so he has found a way to measure your heart's happiness with some sort of technological device, and that's cool. but if you are that self unaware that you need a device with graphs to find out what makes you happy then...that just seems kind of...well sad, i guess.
but i guess we are just coming at it from 2 opposite angles.
and some people maybe DO need a device that tells them what makes them happy so that they can become more self aware?
still, to me, it seems like making a device to tell whether or not the sun is shining but then maybe i am just an idiot in comparison to him and cannot comprehend his pure genuis with this device.

it's funny how so many scientists are cut off in this way and they need some sort of "device" to make contact with "god" or "themselves". but i guess all paths lead to rome you might say.
and just find it extremely hilarious when one of them discovers "buddhism" through "technology". just like columbus "discovered" america. (umm, ya, it was here all along, glad you found your way! you can take credit for discovering it for YOU but you can't tell the indians who were here before you discovered them, and so their existence finally has validity whereas before it didn't even exist. it's so narcissitic. if i don't see you, you don't exist. but i guess in a weird way, it's true. that is that person's reality).

i hope i am making sense.

but i suppose i also use devices now and then to connect with "all there is", like a pack of tarot cards and astrology and such.
but tarot is "scientifically proven!" it just "works".
and things that work but aren't scientifically proven to work must not then work even tho they DO. right?

so this guy has discovered happiness because he can chart it on his machine. he can SEE happiness, he can make graphs of it, but is he HAPPY?

it just seems so backwards.
but that is funny, too, since my cam show on thursday , i think, is going to be about doing things backwards (and time), and i often do things backwards. so who am i to judge someone who works backwards? i do it all the time.

maybe i am misunderstanding what this device is.
it monitors "internal coherence"
http://www.heartcoherence.com/

still, he has fascinating things to say, like in this interview here:

http://www.newdawnmagazine.com/articles/A_Blissful_Interview_with_DAN_WINTER.htm

so i'm not throwing the baby out with the bathwater just because he seems a bit cranky.
i'm cranky, too.

hmmm...

http://www.soulinvitation.com/gravitypolitics/

1:05pm

http://www.soulinvitation.com/invasion/index.html

put THAT in your pipe and smoke it! ha :)

my quest for things about saturn brought me to here eventually.
and strangely this page also talks about "victim mentality" and that completely mirrors my dream where i am trying to explain to the guy who is trying to hurt me to stop the pattern.

and then just a whole bunch more wild stuff.
it would take one all day to read that entire page.
even if all of this is untrue, the amount of brain power and creative thinking to come up with this stuff is mindblowing, really.

and it talks about the time traveler , john titor on there and also ingo swann's fascinating book "penetration".

when i briefly met ingo i had to tell him that his book "penetration" had me totally creeped out about the moon now. and his companion friend said something to the effective of "oh, see what you do to people, ingo?" and ingo laughed his little ingo laugh which always seems to have a secret imbedded in it.

but i DO know that the 2 remote viewing conventions i was at,
the 1st one they made SPECIAL care to bring in this obvious disinformation guy to make us all see how "silly" remote viewing aliens is. i can't remember the guy's name but he goes by some secret code name of "the penguin" and has a doctorate in DEATH.
nice.
i hated him the minute i saw him.
he was also a mysogynist pig.
i made sure to send him the vibe of "i see right through you, fucktard" every chance i got to look in his eyes.
of course he saw me as no threat as i am so obviously and easily discounted because i am a small girl with weird hair.
which works to my advantage and disadvantage.

weirdly and unfortunately, some of my favourite "experts on the subject" of ufos and the like seem to be friends with him, like whitley streiber.

then the 2nd remote viewing convention i went to, they were even more obvious about trying to discount ufos. it was so blatant and stupid.

i now think remote viewing is somehow flawed.
like the government is putting on this little show like "see, we don't care about psychic stuff anymore, we are going to declassify this so you little minions can play with it, because it's of no use to us".
which is a load of crap and it's belittling.
and i think, on the whole, that entire little "play" is put on as more of a disinformation convention than anything else.
although there certainly are interesting little gems of truth thrown in there, too, just to keep you hooked.

even the physicists who think they are all "spiritual" are a load of crap as russell targ showed me after he gave his pretty little speech about zen buddism and how this relates to his work and then like a horrible narcissist from hell , only minutes later shot me down when i asked if he would sign my jacket (we were all in line to get things signed). it was seriously humiliating and made me cry and i could see right then and there that all his "spirituality" was nothing more than a way to further his own ego and make him feel "special" and "above us".
and it's so obvious that he doesn't want to see the truth as he, quite literaly, is almost legally blind.
quite symbolic.
sure he helped invent the laser and stuff, or has done pioneering work with lasers. but what GOOD is all this technology if our HEARTS are not in the right places and we cannot SEE?
seriously. isn't this kind of the downfall of mankind that our technology is too advanced for our emotional and spiritual evolution?
if you are still at such a kindergarten level emotionally that you have to assert your fragile ego over a tiny woman and belittle her over what is appropriate to your ego to autograph (and yes, it was weird i cried, but i have the whole father issue thing. the whole "daddy see me!" ya, i get it, it wasn't about him but about me.) what business do you have playing with lasers and fucking around in the CIA and with our lives and playing your immature psychic spy games against the russians?
it's fucking absurd.
what kind of myopic vision is that?

but ya, going to those remote viewing conventions really opened my eyes even further to how much disinformation is going on.
so i am really glad to have gone to them and "vibed" off the so-called "big players" from the CIA and so on and so forth.
it was helpful for me to see these people as the truly are.
vulnerable and imperfect.

it really is hard to comb through all this disinfo for the real info.
it's pretty much impossible to tell what is going on, they;ve done such a damn good job of it.
and now with the internet, they have learned how to play that game too and muck it all up really good with stuff like richard hoagland , who on one hand seems to have some genuine things to say and on the other hand has us so preoccupied looking at stupid rocks that might look like "something" that it borders on ridiculous.

and i love coast to coast am so much, but you can tell how heavily censored that is and how careful they are to be patriotic that it's nauseating.

and then you have whitley streiber, who probably has been a great effect on my life and opened me up to all sorts of new wonderful ideas, and he seems so geniune.
yet at the same time he still pushes this christian stuff which doesn't make sense to me and he cohorts around with questionable people, like dr. death. and even , i think, his family, is heavily into politics.
but i don't doubt his abduction experiences aren't real.
he seems more like a naive pawn sometimes. i just can't tell.

and then william henry and david icke. what to make of all that?
and another new guy i discovered today named jordan maxwell.

and i really have to question ingo. if he is so wise to the ways of the world why is he stil playing the remote viewing convention game?
again, i think it must just be an ego thing, since everyone treats him almost like some sort of untouchable elfin god who knows way more than we do and knows things we mortal human can only dream of in fractions.
don't get me wrong, i like ingo. i don't get a bad vibe from him really. he's really just such a drag queen at heart.
so who can say he shouldn't bask in the light of his worshippers and be the belle of the ball once a year after all the CIA put him through?

but ya, i think pretty much anyone who gets involved in government has a pretty damn big ego. you'd have to have one to think that YOU should be one of the few who "govern" the population.
and anyone with 1/2 a brain, i would think, by now, could see that "voting" isn't going to bring about any change whatsoever.
they have that all rigged now. it's so obvious.

the only way you can make any change is to change yourself.

but the REALLY BIG QUESTION is....
WHY do they all have such poorly designed websites that MUST have the damn black sparkling stars in space gif background?
please ENOUGH already.
we get it "space".
and why are ALL their books the worstly designed things ever, looking like a cross between a cheesy dimestore romantic novel and a dungeons and dragons thing?
either that or some damn rainbow floaty new agey looking "spacey" thing.

gah.

i just must share tho some great gems from that link:

"While I think the evidence from the seismic data (~10hz) that a separate
sonic scalar really brought down the World Trade Center
(http://www.cyberspaceorbit.com/towrcmmnt.htm ) is probably meaningful,
it is not the real ISSUE that needs dealing with. (Who done it locally - is
not the same as WHO SENT those who-dunnit. ) Hoagland's pages of
numerological rambling about the disaster pointing to the Templar's etc.
(http://www.enterprisemission.com/tower2.htm ) is his usual 'find somebody
to blame while totally missing the point' drivel. (Like he never understood
a magnetic line needed to cut a tetrahedral latitude since he did not
understand how only fractal self-similar magnetic arrays stabilized
gravity.) I would recommend the links at www.whatreallyhappened.com ,
mostly to begin to track the recent history of the US government dirty
laundry which MADE these enemies.

The 'war on terror' serves the parasites of self-determining DNA by using
fear to eliminate individual freedoms. The rate at which law changes
destroyed individual freedom in America just after Sept 11, is probably
unprecedented in history. DNA cannot take responsibility for it's own
steering in the time wormholes / destiny, unless people can take individual
responsibility for the same (their own destiny). For example DNA cannot
self steer if idiot people (genetic engineers) hack up it's braiding
algorhythmn not even understanding that it HAS a field effect - much less
that the faster than light sustainability of that field effect is the ONLY
way to immortality.

If you think this is terror, wait til you feel the terror at discovering
all your children's DNA lost the ability to self-steer and have a soul,
just because you believed the parasite genetic engineers who said - we
don't need to know how DNA gets ensouled and self-organized before we hack
up the genes in your kids breakfast. THAT is terror. Eliminating that kind
of terrorism (genocide) could give the death's in NY some meaning.

The point of unpacking unshareable dirty laundry, is to eliminate the need
for the near death experience. When Doc says: you are about to die so sort
your memory. If you sort well enough, you harvest so much electrical tingle
(charge fractality) you then eliminate the biological requirement of dying.
How about that for the opposite to a self-fulfilling prophecy? That is the
spirit in which I write this. America: I challenge you so truly SORT your
national memory - do it and you live, fail and your nation dies. Death will
occur by the hand of the chaos that results from storing too much national
secret. (example USSR) . Non-destructive compression - eternal life - is
the privelege of only those who do not require secrets."

oh pushaw! but of course! how could he "never understand
a magnetic line needed to cut a tetrahedral latitude since he did not
understand how only fractal self-similar magnetic arrays stabilized
gravity."? how could we have ALL missed that VERY obvious law of the universe and how this applies to....everything.
i mean, DUH! :)
get with the programme everyone! now we know!
haha :)

man, i just have to MEET this guy!
i have NO idea what he is saying but it sounds really good!
it sure does split my brain around a lot and make me try and figure this out. even if it's a load of bull, the fact that someone could THINK this way EASILY, is amazing to me.
it's so creative and bizarre and "outside the box".
i mean how and why this guy made a connection between the gold veins in the earth and how this directly correlates to our DNA is seriously beyond me. but anyone who can think THAT creatively is interesting to me.

ok, i think i have procrastinated away enough of my day with this now.

 

11:02am

window fixed! but the new window they out in was completely filthy! why why why?
why can't they just wash it before they out it in so i don't have to look at their handprints forever?
and he cut his hand on the window and i have no bandaids (not to self to buy some) gets blood on stuff and leaves his bloody paper towel i gave him on my windowsill. YUCK.
gah.
and the fixed the one that wouldn't shut. (at least i hope they did)
and right now it is open all the way and so i am getting my 1st fresh air in here from outside since last they were here! and miraculously and wonderfully it's only 64 degrees right now according to weather.com!
it's only going to get up to 70 today, praise the lord!

so, here i am awake and (almost) dressed by 11am.
and a wonderful day outside.
and many things i need to get done.
but i just want to go back to sleep even tho i am jittery!

i guess i will put some laundry in so i can then also wash my sheets.
and i need to eat some breakfast.

10:41am

still waiting. trying to find little useful things to do around the house, but i can't start on anything "big" as these guys are (supposedly) coming to install my window any minute now *foot taps nervously*.
did the anacam biz, brushed my teeth.
shuffled a few things around.
only 1 person has joined ana2 since i announced my cool cam show.
kind of sad and disheartening that when i have an all nude all week i get a ton of new people, yet when i do something arty and innovative and new and that will never happen again, no one seems to care much.

oh well. their loss.

oh, the maintenance guys are here! yay!
hope they get it over with soon!

 

10:26am

still sitting here waiting for the maintenance guys.
grrr.

but there is finally a new diary entry in bill nelson's online diary. yay :)
also the new astro updates for everybody this week

9:50pm

ok, i've gotten everything ready for them.
now i just wait.
blarg.

9:35am

another part of my dream i just remembered. right now (in real life) i have a keychain that says "saturn" on it, because it was given to me for free and i didn't have any other keychain so i just used it.
in my dream, i cane across an old keychain that, also, said "saturn" on it and it had this special secret little "drawer" in it. and i thought how odd i would have a keychain that said "saturn" on it 2 times.

9:21am

i had absolutely the worst sleep and the most horrific nightmares.
rape and torture. something about a giant ink pen.
then i was going back to school (back to 12th grade for the 3rd time...in my dream) but also opening my own retail store called "the owl" and no one would help me fill out the paperwork for anything or tell me anything that was going on, even tho it was my friends who were in charge to tell me.
all my belongings to bring in were contained in 2 silver rubber balls like the kind that i had in the photos the other week that are used for excercising and they were out in the parking lot and it was raining out so hard and i was scared it was all going to get stolen.
i don't have time to write them all down now. i hope i rememeber to write it down later but right now i'm up because the maintenance guys are coming to fix my window at 10am and i drank a red bull to wake up and i need to move everything off my windows and bed and all that sort of thing.
so up and at 'em.

but ya, my dreams were so completely terrifying at one point during the night i think i woke myself up either talking/crying or screaming or something. as this rapist was trying to rape me and torture me wit this 5 feet long old fashioned ink pen because it had happened to him as a child and so he was repeating this behaviour. so right when he had the tip of the metal pen on my clit and he was about to puncture it, i was trying to rationalize with him and empathize with him not to do it because all he was doing was repeating these patterns and to hurt me, too, in this way would not help him with his anger.

augh.

it was truly horrible.

+++

Horoscope for Aries (July 26 2005)

Travel or get involved in an exciting project. Everything is looking good so prepare to start something you've wanted to work on. Success is in the stars.

and

A special day
Today is one of the rare days where your natal charts remains untouched by transits of the swift moving planets. A good day to think things over, review the past and look ahead into the future. It would also be a good day to fulfil yourself a secret wish or carry out an intention that you have had for a long time ­ especially if you want to be free of all kinds of influences to do it. However, decisions taken of your own accord are not written in the stars; perhaps you just want to relax today and simply be yourself.

and

Get up and do something day, but don’t waste the day doing one unimportant thing after another. Two types of activities can help you make the most of the day. First, initiate a creative project that allows you to better enjoy your surroundings. Then, do something that gets your adrenaline flowing, for you do need some excitement in your life.

and

Early in the week you are a walking postcard for fire. Might be a good time to sense what this element, your element is truly about. It's the magic that let us really get civilization going. I'm speaking more of it as a metaphor. How do the other elements react when exposed to it, what areas of your life most reflect this principle? Make it playful and not so studious, let spontaneous moments this week speak to you, taking time to savor the ones that get your attention. On the weekend your charm even reaches yourself, have some kind and constructive words for the mirror.