july 20th , 2005

from LJ just now, a drop of water, a tank of oxygen for my deflated heart:

"we will love you, just as you are.
i love how you spoke of loyalty. and i love that you are loyal.
its amazing how many people think loyalty is obsolete, and they say things like "stop being so dramatic". i hate that, it really urks me.
so when truely passionate, compassionate, and loyal people like you speak up...it makes me terribly happy, and encourages my mission of loving people and inflating their deflated hearts.
thanks, miss."

in reply to a friends only post i made yesterday which you can read at the very very bottom of yesterday's anagram.

*deep long sigh of relief*
there is hope for this world.
now i can sleep...

11:46pm

sorry to go on that rant there. but fuck.
i needed to let off some steam even tho things are good, basically.
just give me 5 minutes and i'll be back to "normal"

11:14pm

sorry. it was a really good day. but fucking a, there are just a few things i need to get rid of in my life.
and i'm trying to figure out how to minimize this CRAP that gets thrown at me when i am in GOOD mood.
but i guess that is just called LIFE.
i just saw this AWESOME movie about klaus nomi. it was bittersweet. it made me think so much.
and then i come home to this high school immature bullshit and just grrrrrrr!
fuck that.
and even tho things are good in my life, it is huge changes, and even if it's happy changes , it's still changes and changes are stressful.
so i am moving and growing and evolving and thinking and surviving and i don't need some damn stupid ass crochet drama chucked in my face when i get home.
and so i don't know how to minimize that except to just make it so there is no way of communicating with me.
like i would just like to put myself out there, and just have NO email and NO forum, and comments disabled on LJ and just live my life without this BIZARRE feedback i get.
but then of course i totally lose out on all the good conversations, too.
and there are so many people, and people who i haven't even met yet, that i really want to talk to.
but at the same time, i sick to death of people being WEIRD to me.
but you know nothing i do is ever going to stop that short of me making my own neverland and being michael jackson, and we all saw how good THAT worked. even when i was "nobody" and worked at a donut shop, guys i didn't know STILL stalked me and tried to rape and kill me and they STILL came into the donut shop and flashed me their penises. WTF?
WTF is the DEAL?

i am an intense person, and have pretty much ZERO tolerance for ANY bullshit at this point in my life.
in 9 months i will be 40!
do i have fucking time for people who don't have the guts to be real around me or are working out their bullshit and their baggage in a passive aggressive way? i mean, fuck, i have enough of my own to deal with and *I* don't take that out on anyone.

i am going to make a list of shit i don't want to deal with anymore when it comes to people i want to be friends with.

#1 would be (at this very second) i don't have time to deal with people who ENJOY making fun of others.

#2 i don't care if my "bush" turns you on, no matter how well meaning you meant that statement.
zip it. glad to make you happy but i DON'T need to hear the details of your hard on.
if i did, i would ASK you about it.
i have a boyfriend. don't tell me how my boyfriend could make my orgasms better.
my orgasms are AWESOME thank you very much.
this is something between my BOYFRIEND and i , not with YOU.

so just treat me like a human being ok?
not some internet sex toy game. not some thing to poke at like a bug and go "neat".
and remember what you say to me affects me.
i understand that i show a lot of you my life and that makes some of you feel that you have the right to tell me about your penis. but really, i just don't want to hear about it.
save it for your girlfriend/boyfriend/therapist.
start a cam and show the world. start a forum about your cock.
start a "hey, i'm hard!" announcement list.
i'm sure there are PLENTY of people out there who would LOVE to discuss it, but *I* am not one of them.

*deep heavy exasperated sigh*


10:30pm

the klaus nomi movie made me love him all the more!!!

====

and then someone pointed THIS out to me, which just bums me out.

i fucking hate it that someone showed this to me.
i hate it that people are into being mean to each other.
i hate it that some people i consider cool belong to that.
and it makes me just want to delete almost everyone from my friends list and just go to iceland and raise sheep because i just feel i can't tell who is who anymore and i want quality friends in my life who aren't into this shit and who are willing to stick up for me (or anyone) when people are being picked on.
it bums me out through and through.
and ya, i should be used to it by now.
but i'm just not.
and i never want to be.
i want to surround myself with kind human beings who just aren't into that low form of misery and sadism disguised as "funny" and "entertaining".
ya, like the community says "be funny about it"
it's ok to stab people and kill them and rip their eyes out emotionally....just be FUNNY about it. so what if someone is a bad crocheter, fucking a...like it mught be just the one thing in their life they ever worked on by themselves and gave them pleasure. so they made and ugly "thing" on the time away from their 9 to 5 job in a soul sucking cubicle. so fucking what? give them a BREAK.
as long as it's FUNNY, tho, then YAY. let's slowly ever so slowly break people's spirit instead of supporting each other and being happy that some people have a hobby that isn't HURTING anyone.

fuck that shit.
i'm seriously so sick of it.
it's not funny to make fun of people in this way.
it's mean spirited and unproductive and it really makes me want to vomit.

what is WRONG with this world?
how fucking POWERLESS do you think you are that find some sadistic pleasure in making fun of people?
what the FUCK?

wake the FUCK UP.
reclaim your power you blind fool and come out into the SUNLIGHT.
it doesn't have to be this way!
you don't need to make fun of people to make yourself feel better!
that is so 500 B.C.
hello?

why is the world so CRAZY???

6:49pm

i'm going to jason's watch the documentary on klaus nomi, called nomi song
i have been so looking forward to seeing it!

 

5:07pm

jesus fucking christ on a stick!
last month my server bill was $362. THIS month it's $457!!
that is PAINFUL. thank god i am going to be leaving them because i cannot handle that at ALL.
it's like 100 for my basic fee, then 220 for extra bandwidth and then 136 for disk over storage fees.
and i haven't even been billed yet for them to back up my entire site on cd and send it to me.
i knew this month would be more because i have more members, and i was shown on australian tv again.
but i did NOT expect it to be THAT high!
holy friggin' god!
i am just kind of floored right now at that bill! it's INSANE!
thank god i have found new hosting because bills like that just CRUSH me!

and i will repeat what i said yesterday:

fantastic webhosting!
this is the best deal i have ever found for hosting and it's going to save me so much money!

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i signed up for the "code monster" plan which is only 19.95 bucks a month for:

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i can't even believe this place exists! it really IS DREAMhost!

if you sign up, I get a referral fee, so please go to this link:
http://www.dreamhost.com/rewards.cgi?anacam

or just enter "anacam" as your referrer if you sign up!
thank you so much!

everything right now is this sale which is triple bandwidth and triple storage! go check out their rates! it's even CHEAPER if you buy 2 years upfront!

5:01pm

my new favourite song,
imogen heap's "hide and seek"

http://s33.yousendit.com/d.aspx?id=16ZJKXTUN14VZ33GSWJ1NEEQDC

---

sounds like this week will be intense (astrologically):
http://itsalllove.com/starry_eyed/starry_eyed.html

3:55pm

Do you want to get in on ducky's sex surveys for her book?
http://www.livejournal.com/users/duckydoo/599249.html
go to that entry to receive full info on how to participate!


imogen heap's new cd "speak for yourself" is AMAZING!
especially the song "hide and seek". it gives me goosebumps!

there is a really good thing happening in my life right now, and i wish i could tell you , but i can't yet! it has to remain a secret.
but soon!

+++

Horoscope for Aries (July 20 2005)

Don't take too long to think about what you are going to do or how you are going to respond today. Action must be taken. Someone may slow you down or try to hold you back -- don't allow this to happen.

and

Fair exchange
You feel contented and benevolent under this influence. You are at peace with the world and want to share your feelings with everyone whom you meet. Friends, in particular, may be the beneficiaries of your generosity, as you may benefit from theirs. In either case you both will benefit, because everything done under this influence becomes a fair exchange in the long run. This time is favorable for all financial enterprises, especially those involving foreign investments, medicine or the law. Any legal matters decided during this time will also work out to your benefit. A new friendship or love relationship that begins now will be beneficial. Such a relationship will bring out your best qualities and can truly be described as a growth relationship. You are attracted to high-minded and upright people.

and

You feel as if a carrot is dangling on a stick right in front of your nose, but every time you go to grab it, it moves just beyond your stretch. Your frustration level is high and your physical energy isn't great enough to sustain multiple attempts to reach your goal. Take a break and be satisfied with what you've already accomplished.