july 19th , 2005

7:40pm

i am SO PSYCHED that i just saved SO MUCH $ by switching to dreamhost!
i'm going to save over $250 bucks a month now! and each month my bill kept rising and rising because my storage kept going up and up and i was paying all these extra storage fees. last month is was $262, and this month, when i get the bill, it will be more than that.
i thought i was going to have to take down 1/2 of everything on anacam and ana2!
but now i have DOUBLE the storage i have now so i don't have to take anything down and i can keep ADDING!
how frickin' cool is that???
you have no idea how ridiculously happy i am about this!
i just saved my website and i saved a crapload of money that i need for food and other bills!
i am sooooooo happy!!!!!

7:03pm

fantastic webhosting!
this is the best deal i have ever found for hosting and it's going to save me so much money!

$7.95 a month (includes a domain registration) with this special!

i signed up for the "code monster" plan which is only 19.95 bucks a month for:

7680 MB Disk, 192 GB Transfer, 1 FREE domain registration (and they will host up to 15 domains), and just so much extra stuff it's over the top!
i can't even believe this place exists! it really IS DREAMhost!

if you sign up, I get a referral fee, so please go to this link:
http://www.dreamhost.com/rewards.cgi?anacam

or just enter "anacam" as your referrer if you sign up!
thank you so much!

everything right now is this sale which is triple bandwidth and triple storage! go check out their rates! it's even CHEAPER if you buy 2 years upfront!

5:19pm

mouseovers:

5:15pm

 

4:18pm

The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability

By Miriam Kaufman, MD, Cory Silverberg and Fran Odette, The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability is a comprehensive, smart and helpful sex resource for millions of people living with disabilities and chronic pain who want more fulfilling sex lives. For sufferers of ailments from chronic fatigue syndrome and spinal cord injury to multiple sclerosis, fibromyalgia, chronic pain, repetitive stress injuries and others, the book provides encouragement, support, and expert information on such vital issues as sex positions that reduce pain and fatigue, the nuts and bolts of male and female sexual anatomy and response, masturbation, orgasm, sex toys and more. It also features an impressive resource guide with hundreds of books, websites, and organizations.

http://www.babeland.com/page/TIB/PROD/books-top-picks/KH128585

i came across this on ducky's site and thought it was pretty cool :)

3:46pm

i want this:
http://www.sibelius.com/

+++

ducky has been asking people questions in her journal for her book she is writing.
thought i'd include my replies to her questions here for the heck of it.

1. Do you have a pet name for your (or your lovers) pussy or cock? If so what is that name and why did you pick that name?

as much as it seems purely fun loving to name one's genitals, i think the root of why people do it, on the whole, is probably not coming from a completely healthy place.
it's like when people start referring to themselves in the third person. it creeps me out a bit and seems very disassociative to me.
but i realize each case of this is individual and i am also open to possibility i may be way off base. and i also see it may serve a purpose to get people less afraid of genitals, and that can be a good thing. but ultimately, in my opinion (from my experience) i think it would be even better if people didn't feel a need to give their genitals a separate "persona" than who they truly are.
the fact that people name their genitals something separate from themselves and no other body part (that i know of) regularily gets named other things (an elbow, a left eye, a cheek, an ear) is really telling and interesting, imo.

but if people need to call their penis mr. so and so just to be able to talk about it and relate to it and open a discussion about it, then that is better than not talking about it and relating to it at all. but i can't help but feel that naming someone's genitals is akin to having a puppet for children named mr. or mrs, *insert diificult topic which you want to teach children about* so that children can open up and relate to this subject and start a discussion about it.
but when it comes to sex, society, on the whole, really is still in a kindergarten stage. and i don't say that to shame anyone or put anyone down but just to hopefully point out something i see happening matter of factly.

so in answer to the question, no, i don't have a pet name for my genitals or anyone else's.

2. How are your best orgasms sparked?

so far, i have only been able to have clitoral orgasms. hand or tongue. or i guess humping something also works :)
when i discovered the hitachi magic wand, my world was changed and i was finally able to have multiple orgasms. the most i had in a row (yes, i counted because it was such a surreal experience for me!) was 44. i could have continued but i had to go to a U2 concert. ha :)
i find that after 10 orgasms it can get really "spiritual" for lack of a better word.
i've tried to have an orgasm with my g spot but, so far, i haven't been successful (but i'll keepo trying!)

i've never been able to have an orgasm during sex (with a man, penetration). i like the feeling of penetration most times and i really wish i could cum at the same time, but i haven't been able to so far (without the help of vibrator at the same time)

3. When did your hymen break?

i had always heard of the hymen, and i actually looked for it with a mirror in my teens, but i could not see what "they" were talking about.
i had always heard that the 1st time i had sex this would break and there might be blood and so i examined and examined as to what this could possibly be, but never could figure it out from the diagrams (this was the 1970's if you need that for context).
when i finally had my 1st actual "permanent" boyfriend at age 17, we tried to figure it out together, but couldn't. but just to be on the safe side (and more probably because we were really shy) he would "finger fuck" me for a few months before i finally lost my "virginity" just to "get me ready" for the eventual event.
the night i 1st had sex (as in penetration with a penis) it was the debut of the movie "the day after" the much hyped movie from 1983 about a nuclear bomb explosion. i remember only because i really wanted to see that movie (because it was so hyped) but losing my viginity took precendence that evening.
i'm glad i lost my virginity (i hate that word LOST..like..where'd i put it? in some jungle?) to the guy i did because it was all like some sort of comedic science experiment to us than actual sex. it must have taken us 10 condoms before he could even get hard enough to be in me all the way, because he was so nervous (and probably gay, years later would reveal).
and when he was all the way in (we couldn't even quite tell) and i was still waiting for some sort of huge gush of blood or stab of pain that never did arrive. and we both looked at each other and we said "is that it? are we not virgins anymore?" and he said "ya....i guess!" it was so not like any of the paperback novels i had read.
(he was a virgin, too, which made it all the more sweet :)
and that was it....and the movie "the day after" played in the background on his super small black and white tv set as his mom slept upstairs somewhere and we just laid there and laughed in a way best friends do.
and that was it. never did discover the hymen. never had any moment it "broke". so it's all been a mystery as to what it ever was!

4. Do you hump? Or maybe you did as a child?

my 1st sexual experience with a person (i can't remember what age i was...10 or 11?) was with this neighbour girl who would come over and she taught me about humping. she would say she was the man and i was the woman, and because i was the woman i was "too delicate to watch" (i wonder what was going on in HER family?) and she would blindfold me and when we would face each other hump each others legs really slowly.
neither of us would ever come. we didn't know that was possible yet. but her showing me about this humping thing made me start experimenting on my pillow, and every time i would almost come, i would stop becaue i was scared i would die or something. i just didn't understand what was going on. i would just tell her about how all of a sudden "it would get too intnese" and i asked her if that ever happened to her and i can't remember her answer.
but then one day i just decided to hump my pillow and keep on going even when it got too intense just to see what would happen, and that was my 1st orgasm.
i was so excited i immediately went out and told all the neighbourhood girls that i think i discovered what it was like to actually have sex and i gave them detailed instructions on how to do it. i had no feeling of shame in this at all. it was just this cool new trick i found that i thought everyone should know about :)

and then one day my mom came home from her work at the psychiatric hospital and she told my dad that she witnessed a woman who was acting like the girl in the excorcist, that the room was icey cold, and she was screaming onscenities and masturbating in front of everyone.

and i asked my mom what masturbation was and she told me and i was HORRIFIED to find out that what i was doing was something that people who are posessed by demons do, and i vowed to never ever masturbate again (which lasted about 3 months before i finally returned to it). but then i always had a feeling of shame and guilt attached to masturbation from that day forward.
kind of a drag.

years later i saw the girl who i used to hump and i said "rememeber when we....?" and she said very sternly "i don't EVER want to talk about that" like she was deeply ashamed of what we had done which made me sad.

the very 1st sexual experience i remember is sitting in my crib and i would hang my legs out of the crib so one of the bars would go between my legs and i loved that feeling of the smooth cold bar.

then my next trick was to whittle sticks til they were smooth and as long as my pussy (like 3 inches) and i would lay this stick parallel to my labia (not IN me but inside the labia) and then i would walk around with this stick rubbing against me as i walked. and i showed a few other girls this trick, too. or i would use crayons, which worked too. and that was good fun for awhile :)

this was before i even discovered i had a vaginal opening or even a clit. i remember when my mom told me that i actually had a hole in me that babies were born from and i was like "no way!" and i ran to the bathroom with a mirror to find this hole, and sure enough there it was very very small. i was amazed!

 

1:01pm

oh man, i am excited. i think i found another host for WAY cheaper than i pay now.
this is going to save me a CRAPLOAD of money, and i SO need that!
i'm going to have jason take a look at it to see which plan it is i need that they offer. i wish i could figure it out on my own.
but i'm just not TOTALLY sure i completely understand it and i don't want to sign up for the wrong plan.
if i sign up for it, i will tell you all about it, and then if you sign up to i get a referral fee :)
*kick ass*
this place is almost too good to be true!
fuck! i could maybe save 200 to 300 a month!
that would be AMAZING and a LIFESAVER!
i'm just kind of in shock, pinching myself to see if this is real!
i can keep all of everything on ana2 up and then keep adding to it and STILL pay less than i am paying now!

*listens to oasis*

12:14pm

last night i talked to annie oakley who is the person who puts together the sex workers art show.
we had a great talk for many hours about everything under the sun.
i wanted to tell her by phone and not email as to why didn't want to go on tour with that this year.
she was disappointed and i really do want to do it, but i have so many other things i want to do , too, and i just can't do them all. if i went on that tour i would have to dedicate all my time to it from now until next spring.
working to make the show, hone it and make it good, and then the actual tour itself.
i think it'd be really fun and a great experience, but i really want to make music again and get to THAT as i have been trying so hard to do since last winter. so, i just had to make the choice to choose doing my music over going on that tour, and i choose music.
she is such a cool person. it was fun to talk to her! i'm really glad i made that connection and now i know her, and that is a happy thing.

i wish i could clone myself off and do everything.
it's a bummer, too, because this year she is having a film crew come with and they are going to make a documentary about it.

+++

Horoscope for Aries (July 19 2005)

You will be dynamic today and should be able to convince others to pitch in and help you. A partnership may come to a head. Stand your ground -- you will win if you are confident.

and

Ambitions
Valid during many months: More than any other, this influence arouses your ambition to achieve. If you can identify with a project, you will work extremely hard at it until it is done. It is especially important now that you find an independent project that requires your individual initiative and effort. You should try to gain independent authority in your work at this time because you are not likely to be very tolerant of other people's authority over yourself. You prefer to be your own boss. But your energy will make an impression upon people who are in a position to help you, as long as you do not challenge them unduly. Conflicts with coworkers may arise if they feel threatened by your efforts to get ahead. You should try to play down such conflicts unless something real is at stake.

and

You need something from your career today that goes beyond the regular paycheck. You are seeking recognition and acknowledgment. You want to know that what you are doing is valid. At the same time, however, you don't want to give up the creative contributions that you've been making, even if others don't appreciate this aspect of your work.

+++

something i wrote in my LJ last nigt that i might erase from there:

it doesn't hurt my ego much when people add and delete me from their friends list. i do this, too.
people change, people move on, there could be a myriad of reasons that have nothing to do with me.
but sometimes, every so often i will have someone delete me from their friends list who has been on a long time (like a year or more)
and they don't just stop at deleting ONE of my journals, but they will take ALL of them off their friends list.
not like a lot of these people are my great friends and i really got to know them (which may be, in part, why they deleted me).
but i still have to wonder what was the impetus for them to delete all my journals on a particular day "all of a sudden" (it seems to me to be all of a sudden because i am not aware of what brought on their decision to delete me.
most of the time i can just shrug it off that whatever purpose i served in their lives is over now.
and that's cool.
but sometimes, for the ones who have remained on my friends list for so long, i just have to say wtf?
and i wonder. but i respect their right to take me off and move on for whatever reason.
still....i am curious. i don't ask because i don't want to put them on the spot or make them feel uncomfortable. i just want them to do what feel right for them.
but sometimes i want to know the reason because there is this little pang that makes me feel "what did i do that made them never want to read my journal anymore? did i do something that offended them?". or it could be something very simple and impersonal. i just don't know.
still, sometimes it makes me feel strange all over and kind of sad.

and the sometimes people i want to get to know more delete their journals entirely.
and i have no way of getting a hold of them to see what's up.
and that is so frustrating, like _epine_ (if you see this PLEASE email me!)
update, yay, she's back!
i really adore her, and i wonder of she just started some new journal and i didn't notice (and i feel like an ass if i didn't), or i wasn't told of a new journal, or something bad happened and i just want to see if they are ok.

lj can be frustrating. but i understand people's needs to move on.
still, after all these years, it still can make me feel a little sad.

but the other peeve of mine is that people treat the internet as somehow not as "real" as "real life".
and it always flabberghasts me when i make known to my "friends" that a certain person has been incredibly vile and abusive to me and (tried) to insult me in the most vicious way they can think of and they have spread lies about me which are beyond reason.
yet, even after this knowledge is out, i still have people on my friends list who still keep these people on THEIR friends list.
and i know...it's the thing of "well, they haven't been mean to ME and so i don't want to cause any waves and this person DOES have a journal i am getting something out of."
i get that. and this sounds so "high school", but me being the double aries with leo rising i am all about loyalty and i would NEVER be "friends" with someone who had just told one of my friends they wish me violent harm or say i am stupid, inferior, and spread stupid lies about me.

if anyone did this to ANYONE of my friends, no matter HOW interesting their lj's/lives are, i would take them off my friends list out of loyalty and the symbolism of that. i might still check up on these people even tho these are people who are vile and nasty and still see (sometimes) a side to them that is benificial and full of knowledge. but for the symbolism and show of solidarity to my friend, i would take them off. i could never and will not ever tolerate a person who is abusive to my friends. period. that's just who *I* am.

i fully realize not everyone thinks or feels like i do.
at the same time i think to myself....how much do these friends value ME that they would keep a person who wishes me harm and actually gleefully "gets off" on trying to publically humilate me and lies about me?
what AM i to them that my feelings, from their perspective (imo), are worthLESS in comparison to being on this abusive person's friends list? maybe some people on my friends are not really taking this all in?
that's all i can guess. because it doesn't make sense to me otherwise.

i have to say i feel like a bit of a wimp for not just drawing the line in black and white that people who i remain friends with people who wish and do harm to me should be IMMEDIATELY be extricated from my friends list no matter HOW much i "love" them. but i also realize that a lot of people are wimps/complex beings (myself included in this instance) and they are conflicted.
and you know, a lot of these people are my MOST fave people on lj. it's hard for me to let it go...i probably can't.

its NOT a black and white issue, i wish it WAS.
it's grey. and we are all just trying to do out best.
i see that and understand it.
but at the same time i'm looking for the person who "gets" what i am trying to say here. and won't stand to be friends with people who try to put other people down for their own enjoyment...for whatever reson that is,
but at the same time i get that it is complex.
but you know, time is running out , and i'm about to space shuttle off somewhere and so need to extricate myself from anything that does not serve my higher purpose or the higher purpose of others.

i don't know what the fuck i'm trying to say. i hope someone gets this!
i am conflicted about what to do... but i want to be safe! i just don't know what to do.
at the same time, i want to protect myself.
my strength and my weakness is that i fall in love with the potential of people.

this is such a long story. i'm not trying to cause drama, i just feel very conflicted about what to do in this area.

tomorrow (when i wake up...i will be more cohesive, hopefully)