july 18th , 2005
past anagrams	menu	utb

5:25pm

my fabulous records (and paints). the address on the boxes is from a dead relative, so don't think that is where i live, 'cause it's not. i have no idea who lives at those addresses now. rocks from bayarts and the zebra i put on bobby z's site, and the godawful pillow that makes me want to cry.

4:55pm

as i was cleaning in the thing room, i kept seeing that pillow my mom made me.
so finally i decided to do something about it, although i cannot say that i feel at all better having done it.
i just have a lump in my throat.
i cut the front of the pillow off which is the part she embroidered all these pet names for me and nice things to me.
and then i went into the bathroom and cleaned the sink and then i cleaned the fabric i had cut.
i rinsed it 3 rinsed it 3 times and as i watched the dirty water go down the drain i tried to envision that this was my way of trying to forgive. and with each rinse the water would get clearer.
i still am not at a point of forgiving but i hope i can be some day.
i then stuck it in the dryer for a minute.
when it was dry i rolled it up and folded it in on itself.
then i tied it with black yarn 9 times, 9 because 9 is a final number.
i have to say seeing this thing my mom made to make me happy, and then it being so small now (and i threw the pillow part down the garbage shoot) and all tied up in black just kind of made me feel still scared of it.
i tried to do this ritual with no bad intentions. which is why i washed it 1st.
i wanted to say i respected and cherished the part in my mother who was kind to me and wished me well.
and i wish her well, too. i just want to her stay away from me.
i didn't say any words, even tho i looked up some good ones to say. but i could not bring myself to utter her name or vocalize it. which is why i now have a lump in my throat. i just wanted to be done with it. and while i should have concentrated on it really hard with great intention, i couldn't do that either because just the act of touching and seeing this thing just makes me want to shut off.
and so i just sort of shut down and went through the motions, hoping that the act in and of itself would maybe be enough of something.
it probably wasn't. but i just don't want to "go there" to that place of infinite sorrow, not on a nice day like this. not on ANY day.
i've been there enough times.
then i put the fabric in this white box that was sent to me from africa that had nice gifts in it for me.
the box seemed like a good choice because i wanted to out it in something that didn't make me feel awful feelings every time i saw it.
and a white box seemed better than a black box simply because white seems more healing.
because i really want the things i put in there to be healed.
then i closed the box with a black string, too.
and when i come across things that my mom gave me now, like cards and letters and stuff, i am going to put them in that box.

i still can't decide what to do with all the emails i printed out that my mom sent me.
i wanted to print out all my emails and put them in order so you could see our conversation and then i wanted to give this to my dad so he could finally see how hard i tried with mom and how what she said about me wasn't true and he could see how crazy and abusive she got.
but then i think, what's the use? i'm so sick of trying to prove myself to people.
to my dad or anyone.
will the effort i put into something like that even be worth it?
will he ever "get it"?
i just don't know what to do. i either want to continue with the project and hand it to my dad, so i at least knew i did everything in my power to be clear with him.
or else i just want to take that stack of papers and burn them.
i guess a big part of me says just burn them, and it won't just signify getting rid of her negative energy, but also signify that i don't care to waste me energy trying to explain things to my dad anymore.
that i don't need his "seal of approval" or understanding of my situation to validate what i have gone through as being real.

i'm going to go stick that box now underneath my shelf in the thing room.

i hope what i did was an ok thing to do.
i hope that doesn't backfire on me somehow.
i don't think it will.
but, i don't know if that ritual brought even a shred of resolution or any amount of peace to me.
i guess it was just worth a try, right?
at least i tried.
that's all you can do.

whatever.

i'm going to go take a bath and then eat happy japanese food with my happy boyfriend and try not to think about this anymore.
at least the pillow is thrown away and the part of it that meant anything is out of sight.

 

3:36pm

well, i guess my little ritual worked (or else it's just an amazingly strange coincidence) that jason just came over and told me a massively huge fortunate prosperous thing that has the potential to change both of our lives for the better! i wish i could tell you what it is but i can't yet!
but dang! how rockin! :)

oh, and jason's birthday is on the 22nd, another 22 :) duh!

oh, i just realized that might sound like i am trying to take credit for this fortunate thing. i'm not! this was jason's doing and it his hard work and effort that made it be so, but i think my ritual MIGHT have helped in a WAY. i HOPE! i think it did. all i can say for certain is that it didn't HURT :)

2:57pm

jason is home and his thing went well :) i am very happy about this :)
while he was gone i did a magickal thing.
i figured since the 2 white hooks appeared on my bathroom cabinets (or i just didn't notice them until now, for some odd reason) , i would treat my life like a lucid dream. and i had been having all those problems with my bathroom, things clogged and not running (now things are working in there) and i thought there are TWO hooks, like 22, like the ingwaz, the 2 faces in my drawing facing each other. and hooks are for hooking things...so i needed something on those hooks i wanted to hook! and i thought of my luck luck cup drawing from the diamonde dream. i want to hook good luck!
and so i made 2 diamondes that are perfect squares (ingwazs) and wrote luck on each one with a crayola red crayon. they are also made the size of a cd and i cut them with my 2 special scissors, one the scissors from the cover of cake and eat it and the new scissors i bought for sewing. something old, something new.
and i tied each luck sign with 22 inches of my favourite red yarn (this lace merino).
the bathroom sink is kind of like the cup in my luckluck drawing. the bahroom cabinet under the sink is where all my beauty products are and things i use to take care of body, like soap and shampoo and stuff.
and that is where the plumbing to the sink is. so by hooking double luck in there i am hoping for everything good to flow more freely. i took 2 silver champagne glasses and clinged them together to "activate" the energy (and then i ate a peach). i don't have any good bells, so that is all i had (but they make a very nice sound). then i thought 2 put a crystals in each glass as if the luck were to be hooked and then caught in the glass and then magnified by the crystal. and then i put these 2 glasses on my window sill in my prosperity corner of the bagua in my bedroom.
actually, now that i think of it, i think i will move them to the prosperity corner of the thing room which is the prosperity corner for the entire apartment, because there is nothing there now but dust and i have been wondering what to out there.

maybe this is all about bunch of hooey, but i like to try things out and see if they work :)
it can't hurt and may as well give it a whirl :)

so i am going to go wash off the window sill in my prosperity corner now and put those glasses there, and then i am going to clean my bathroom and especially that cabinet and get rid of anything under there i don't want in my life.

i feel like a happy little witch today :)

then at 6pm jason and i are going out to eat at our japanese restaurant, and then at 7 til 8 i am going to walk outside, and then at 8pm we are going to watch hells' kitchen and then 6 feet under.
sounds kind of funny that the shows we like to watch have such dark names on such a happy day.

 

12:55pm

ok, at the risk of sounding even more psychotic than i am already sounding with my making connections between things and all these numbers and stuff. i don't know if you remembered my big entry i made about shifting realities and we move through "time" this way but moving from parallel dimension to parallel dimension and sometimes when we make "quantum leaps" the next "reality" we go to might skip a few and so then little things will be "off" that make you go "huh, was that building ALWAYS there?" or "i could swear i bought 3 cans of chicken with stars soup, not 5".
well, one of those things just happened to me, i was putting the laundry away and i put my washclothes under the bathroom sink cabinet. well, of a sudden on each door to the cabinet there are plastic hooks on the insides of the cabinet doors. i SWEAR to you, these have never been there. i mean, how could i open these cabinet doors almost every day that i have lived here and i have NEVER seen these large white plastic hooks on the inside of each cabinet door?
that is just WEIRD!
and there are 2 of them.
very very very odd.
*scratches head in bewilderment*

sound now playing "happy birthday" by altered images :)

and 2 hours until jason gets home.

 

12:46pm

ok, i couldn't help it, i had to do one more thing with numbers :)
according to this site:
http://www.astralreflections.com/html/add.html
the address i live at adds up to 22!
so, that is one more 22 in my life.
interesting!
no wonder i like where i live so much :)
and there are a bunch of other connections with this, but i will spare you the details :)

12:04pm

jason is at this important thing today (but i can't talk about it) but i anxiously await his return after 3 to hear what he says about it! i'm on pins and needles!
i just realized that his birthday is this coming friday! wow, these things always sneak up on me!
months ago i found what i wantd to get him, but it's way out of my price range still, so i am thinking of other things :)
he'll be 32!

as i realized what the date was today, i remembered that today is my 1st boyfriends's 40th birthday today!
wow! weirdness.

9 more months and i will also be that age.

freak city, usa.

i can't remember any of my dreams last night. i was hoping for some really good ones fater making so many connections between things yesterday. but it's probably a good thing i don't have a dream to analyze right now.
i analyzed enough yesterday!

i guess for today i should get to the p.o.
or maybe to the drugstore to return a few of those items i bought the other day.
although i want to make sure i am home when jason gets home to hear all about his day.

and then tomorrow jaosn goes back to work.

so it's time to put on some music and get a move on.

oh, i just looked up the temperature and it's 79 degrees.
that is SO much better than 96!
so that means i can finally go for a walk today! yay!

+++

Horoscope for Aries (July 18 2005)

Get with it and finish what you start. You've been running in circles, going nowhere fast. It's time to show off your talents and impress everyone who's watching to see what you'll do next.

and

In the limelight
At this time you are very certain who you are, and you are not about to let anyone tell you otherwise. You may express this energy as a strong desire to work, and indeed this is an excellent time for work, especially if you get the credit for it. This is not a good time to work behind the scenes for someone else. You are likely to have serious conflicts with anyone who tries to take credit for what you have done. If your employers do not give you adequate scope, you may very well feel very angry toward them. Beware of acting impulsively or from purely egotistical motives. While it is necessary to assert yourself, don't overdo it. You will only provoke opposition from people who try to cut you down. Carefully planned activity, however, can bring you great success.

and

A weight has been removed from your shoulders -- or your heart. A difficult circumstance that has been weighing on you for too long is now transforming from heavy metal into spiritual gold. You have the philosopher's stone working magic for you now, but you cannot take anything for granted. Temper your excitement with humility.