july 14th , 2005
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6:01pm

watched the movie "white noise"

creeeeeeeeeepy! *shivers*

3:50pm

boinky boinky boink.
i'm going over to jason's for a little while.
be back later :)

1:02pm

i am antsy as all fuck.
and it's too hot to be outside. and it's too boring to be inside.
and i have a headache.
jason is really sleepy as today is his 1st day of vacation. so he didn't want to go to mall of america with me (someplace where we can walk that is huge and air conditioned and i can get out my nervous energy)
so i was going to go walk in the skyway systems.
but jason says he is going to drive to the dry cleaner so i am going to go with him just because i am THAT antsy to get out of my house then even a trip to the dry cleaners sounds good to me.
gah! *jiggles leg back and forth*
i feel like pogoing up and down but my head hurts so....
i am in a really weird state of mind. i can't say i particularily like it.

11:40pm

11:23am

about yesterday, matt said this which made me feel better:

"you've always seemed to focus on your spirit and your mind. from my pov that's never been a problem with you. the trick is to have your physical acts be an expression of your spirit, mind, your energy. again, i think you are always conscious of that, more and more so as the years have gone on. i don't think you need to feel such anxiety over the make-up incident, tho i understand it. the simple fact of it is you were ripped off, you bought some shoddy products for a lot of $$. but you did it with the intention to create from a good place -- which was the same thing you wanted to do with your piano, when you had it. i don't think you should feel guilt or regret over purchasing things that are 'merely cosmetic' or superficial -- everything is superficial, all music all art all everything, unless there's an intention behind it to give it depth. there's no disconnect between physical beauty and spiritual beauty unless you make it so. look at Bjork -- she spends god knows how much time scrutinizing over make-up, masks, costume designs all of whish are pure surface, but that she chooses what she does as a conscious expression of her inner self and her spiritual understanding of the world she lives in, gives her physical expressions meaning. which is what you would have done with it, from your own end, had the cosmetics you bought been any good. but, they weren't. it was crap. which is sad. just keep in mind what your end goal is and that it's a good goal :) "

and that is so true. i think i was being unduly harsh with myslf.
i DID have good intentions. i DO always try to have a good mix of the physical with the spiritual, like bjork does.
and ya, duh, why am i so confused these days?
i can't seem to get a really good firm grip on anything.
even my own brain.

so..anyway. ya. it's all good.
except for the piano turning into nothing which is not good.
but you know..you move on. so...

today starts jason's 5 day vacation!
it's blazing hot out again today, gonna be 93! eeeee.
dunno what i will do with this day yet and neither does jason.

i'm still just waking up and doing my normal waking up activities, put yesterday's anagram into past anagrams, updates today, check email, check on communities i manage, do the anacam biz, etc etc.

the really cool place we MIGHT have been able to stay at in vegas looks like it's not going to work out now.
so i may as well tell you where we were going to maybe stay since we are not going to stay there now.
he was trying to get the real world suite where the real world (mtv reality series) was taped.
that would have been so trippy and cool!
but that's not gonna happen now so...nevermind!

i wish it wasn't so hot outside because it would really do me good to get outside into some nature today.
but it's freaking hot as hell out there. as in heatstroke hot.

i had really wild intense detailed dreams i might write down later.
involving floods and fashion shows.
some of it was really positive and some of it was really topsy turvy.


+++

Horoscope for Aries (July 14 2005)

Today should include mental and physical challenges. Love is looking good, so get out and mingle if you are single, or romance the one you are already with. Frequent old familiar places or take short trips.

and

A close look
This is a good time to retire by yourself to your own private place. You seek and need comfort from the demands of the outside world, and having a pleasant relaxing time at home is probably the best way to accomplish this. Also this is a good time to go inside yourself and look at your attitudes, feelings and emotional orientation toward the world around you. You could do this by trying to bring out into the open those elements of yourself that usually remain hidden within you. But you could possibly become so overwhelmed by these elements that nothing of value will be accomplished. This is not so likely to happen, however, if you make the effort to look inside yourself consciously.

and

Your idea of what's perfect has changed along with what you have learned. There's nothing wrong with dreaming about an ideal relationship, but when you confuse reality with fantasy, sooner or later you must face the truth. And sooner is surely better than later. Begin your analysis now and make minor adjustments, but don't take major action for another few days.