july 13th , 2005
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10:44pm

something is awry. that is clear.
a $3,000 piano ends up being $400, 1/2 of which goes to crappy beauty products i dislike.
how can a piano end up being that?
something is wrong with this picture BIGTIME.
it's like 1/2 of me i feel is upgrading to a higher energy...yet at the same time i have the conundrum of this piano, which meant so much to me...which i never did anything with...which held all this promise...but falls into disrepair because of my own fault...and then which i then and up spending 1/2 of the $ on a bunch of crap.

i feel horribly guilty. like i have just done something godawful.
like i am managing my "energy" in a really piss poor pathetic way.
because if i wasn't, how on earth did a beautiful piano that i was going to write my next masterpiece of a record on downshift into/become a bunch of crap beauty products in my bathroom that i don't even like much?

it's horrible. it's more than horrible.
the whole symbology of this. and i know that i create my physical reality and so i can RECREATE the piano at any time. i don't really KNOW know this so much as kind of know this from experience here and there but most it's just a gut feeling that it is true.

but it's the symbol of something that was meant to be spiritual becoming something purely cheap and vain, disposable.
not like i am not going to stop being a woman who loves her lipstick, but fuck, i'm bringing more to vegas than just my BODY. i'm bringing my MIND and my SOUL and my SPIRIT, too!

and i need to take HEED and pay attention to the details of those things MORE than i need to pay attention to the details of my body.
and it's so easy to lose site of that in a place like vegas when i am probably going to be hanging around people who are way into the physical (i'm guessing) or when i was in the music "biz" and they confused me into thinking that i was an artistic entertainer (emphasis on entertainment) and not an entertaining ARTIST.
and it took me to lose that to respect it.
it's hard to remain focused when i am not in a very "spiritual" profession, by nature. but then, by nature, whose is these days? (and how sad is that?)

and now i can see myself sliding back into that pattern of behaviour, because it's so easy, because it's the way society has us all conditioned.

reading dystopia's lj entry here was the last kick in the ass i needed to figure out what this whole piano, vegas, being upset about crappy make up thing day has been about.

i mean no shit, if i buy a piano and don't pay attention to it and let it whither and die it loses it's valu...and then i (downshifted the energy of) lowered it's valu even more by buying a bunch of low grade cheap make up i know nothing about in hopes that some of it will help my vegas trip go more smoothly.

how ass backwards is that?
it's hard to remain centered and spiritual when immediate surroundings around you are so centered on the entertainment valu of things and that is all.

and yes, i am all for entertainment. and yes, i AM entertaining.
and while some may get the cheap immediate thrill of my entertaining breasts (and then move on), the reason i a still here and surviving as an artist and in this documentary (and a bunch of documentaries now) isn't because i have a big pair of fake breasts, as much as many people would like to convince me that IS the reason.
it's not!
i like my breasts too, and they are great and they have served me well. i do not serve THEM. the tail should not wag the dog.

for crying out loud, i have much more to give to this documentary and even to the CALENDAR than just my mere physical presence. there has to be a soul and spirit that accompanies it or else all it is is another cheap thrill to be tossed away like the bad lip gloss i bought today.

and i'm not that or into that. that isn't what i am about or who i am.
and that is not what i am going to bring to the table.
i refuse to allow myself to lose myself in sheer vanity, as if that is all i have to offer.

that is ridiculous.

and so....i am now going to spend a lot of ATTENTION to the DETAILS of my soul and spirit and mind as WELL as my body, so that when i arrive in vegas, they have the whole package in my ENTIRE shining and imperfect glory to document. and then it's up to THEM to see that or not see that or do what they want with what i give them.

but i'm not just giving them an outfit and some lipgloss, i can tell you that. i have WAY more to offer. and it's high time i gave that just as much importance during these events that i am so graciously offered here and there.

yesirree!

*MIND SHIFTING*

and so what if i am not perfect in the photo for the calendar?
i am going to let me SOUL and SPIRIT shine through my being during them, and that is far more important than if my skin is perfect.
and when your spirit shines that DOES show in photos more than skin. i can attest to that!

amen amen amen.

9:44pm

i just want to erase everything i wrote today because it's all so silly.
i can't believe i am complaining about lipstick and flipping myself out over $184.
it's not the end of the world for fuck's sake.
i sound like some sort of valleygirl from hell.
anyway, just nevermind what i wrote today.

things are good. things are fine.
i need to get some perspective on things.

9:13pm

argh. ok i'm done flogging myself for buying stuff today.
okokokokok.

abundance now! right?

i wish $184 wasn't so much money to me.
but it is! but i'll take some stuff back.
and farg, i needed toothpaste.

glarbity blag glarb.

*grumble grumble*

i know i'm being weird.
i just want things to go right in vegas.
and they will.

 

8:11pm

i'm just going to return those hair rollers.
i'll bet you're super happy i have updated you about that VERY important issue!

:)

5:51pm

oh ya, the other reason i never spend $ on new make up is because every time i try something new 99% of the time i hate it. and so it's just a waste of money. all the lipsticks were pointless. they all say they are these shiny glittery diamond glossy things and they don't even come close to what they advertise to look like. shiny and glittery my ass.
this "molding wax" sucks. i guess i could use it for something, i don't know what yet. but it doesn't dry. it's just like a goo that never dries. plus it smells like really cheap perfume.
the cheap mirror makes my face look fat. at 1st i thought it was that my face was fatter than i thought it was, but then i turned it on it's side and sure enough my face was skinnier. reason # gazllion why not to buy cheap mirrors.
but heck i need something in vegas that i know if it breaks on the plane i won't be upset.
*sigh*
ya, i know all you guys could care less about all this make up talk. but you are just going to have to deal with it :)

oh and btw, i LOATHE to curl my eyelashes. it hurts to do it. now i remember why i did not own an eyelasher curler. they are torture devices.

4:56pm

put the $400 in the bank from the piano and then managed to somehow spend $184 just at the drugstore, fer cryin' out loud.
and all i got is:
batteries for my camera, toothpaste, hairspray, nail polish remover, rollers for my hair, 2 cheap plastic mirrors because my other ones broke, eye lash curler, mascara, face powder, scrunchie things to put my hair in pony tails, this other weird hair thing (i don't know what you call it), crest white strips, some air foot insoles for my boots, some oxy for the occasional zit, some molding wax for my hair 'cause i wanna see if i can make dreads with my hair with it, and 5 things of lipstick (ok, i didn't need the lipstick, so shoot me). oh and some exfoliating cleanser. and the thing i hate about buying things for hair is that you have to buy this thing with ALL the colours, and all i wanted was the 4 red rubber bands. and this other hair thing i had to get the black and the brown just because i wanted the clear one.
farging a! it costs so much to be a woman and just try and look 1/2 way decent! gah!
and this is buying the CHEAP make up and stuff.

and then i wanted to get the spray tan and and pedicure and a manicure and my roots bleached.
but dang, i may just have to do all of this on my own.
unfuckingbelieveable how much stuff costs.
no wonder i never buy make up and stuff anymore.
i remember, too, when i used to really keep up on looking as perfect as i could all the time and it was a job in and of itself! it truly is! this is why woman carry around purses.
i remember some guy complaining to me the other day that he didn't understand how women kept our nails so clean because every day he had to clean under his nails and that seemed like too much work for him and i'm like DUH.
we clean under our nails probably 2 or 3 times a day sometimes!
not to mention tweezing hairs here and there and making sure this and that is just right.
now i remember why after i didn't do music for awhile i just kind of got sick of make up and having to be on my toes about every little thing on my body. and i didn't even have much to deal with in terms of having to make my basic body shape be flattering. i mean, that part was all mostly good, so thank goodness i didn't have to sit around doing yoga all day just to look ok in that department.

but NOW, i'm 39 and things are a LITTLE bit harder. oh ya.
dammity damn damn.
but ya, i can still pull it off but it takes just a little extra work.
but i can't complain too much.

but augh. $184 on crap like toothpaste and hair rollers and stuff?
that hurts.

but ya, now i finally have nail polish remover so i can remove my nail polish instead of just having it to wear off on it;s own. (oh the luxury). and i don't have to deal with a broken mirror to see the back of my head or put on my make up.
i think the thing that cost the most was the crest white strips, which was 40 bucks for the premium plus kind.

i have my own tooth trays that were made molded to my teeth by the dentist, but i lost the bottom one.

i wish i could figure out a sure fire way to clean off all the spirit gum from the rhinestones that i have used in the past so i could restore them to their former shininess so i didn't have to buy new rhinestones.

it costs a million bucks to look like a million bucks, sometimes.
but i'm a stickler for details.

2:30pm

i am thinking of trying out going to one of those places that sprays on a tan for you because i have a photo shoot coming up.
but i have never been to one before and do not know if they are all the same or if they differ or even if they are worth the bother.

so, i'm asking if anyone can recommend to me a place in the twin cities where they have gotten this done and were pleased with the results and if the tan looked real at all?

or is it better just to do it yourself, and if so, what products would you recommend?

(rustles through all my bathroom junk for all those quickie *look good* remedies like the box of crest white strips i never used)

maybe i'll even wax my legs. ouch.
i couldn't do a bikini wax, tho. i wish i could, but damn, i think that would just hurt like hell.

1:43pm

the dogs and i ate cherries and eggs.
i took all my rocks out of the salt i had put them in about a week ago to purify them and washed them all off and put them in the sunlight to dry off.
i love my rocks :)
it's freaking how here. almost 90 with almost 50% humidity.
uncomfortable.
i still have a headache but i don't know why. i guess i'll take more aspirin.
maybe it's just that i have a lot on my mind.
i need to get to the little store for more beverages.
i'm baking a chicken, not really a good day to bake a chicken.
doing laundry and dishes.
nor a good day to put clothes in the dryer.
just trying to stay on top of things.
i can't wait until jason is home. i just want to be with him.
my dad had a colonoscopy today. i hope that went ok.
blarg to getting one of those done. that must be awful.
my poor little daddy pie.
i wish i had a mobile cam like i used to so i could bring it to vegas!
gah. wanting needing laptop.

and needing to motivate myself to get the heck to the bank and the p.o.

 

11:20am

ooo, i don't want to say where i am going to be staying when i go to vegas for fear of jinxing it!
'cause i hope it happens and it's not set in stone yet, but ooo, i so hope it does!
'cause it'll be such a blast with tons of places to take cool photos!
i'm excited! :)

my horoscopes today fit right in. hilarious :)

+++

Horoscope for Aries (July 13 2005)

You may experience problems dealing with contractors or making changes to your residence.
Social activities will open up doors and bring you new business contacts.
A partnership may need to be rekindled.

and

A kind of romanticism
Try to use today to get a clearer idea of where you are in your life and how well you have fulfilled your spiritual and material needs. In various ways your ideals will be appealed to today. Someone may request your help, or you may be called upon to work for others, with no direct or immediate benefit for you except for the satisfaction of doing good work. A kind of idealistic romanticism may be a factor in your relationships today, which is perfectly all right if it enables you to experience beauty. But do not let your idealism convince you that your loved ones are any more than ordinary humans. You are inclined to give way to others' demands and to put your own needs in second place. Make certain that the persons for whom you do this are worthy of your self-sacrifice.

and

ARIES (March 21-April 19): "Always star in your own movie,"
said novelist Ken Kesey. In other words, don't let some charismatic authority or well-meaning companion play the lead role in your great adventure; don't be a supporting actor or actress who only indirectly advances the plot of your life story. This is an ideal time to meditate on this matter for several reasons: 1. You'll soon be given an opportunity to be a hero or heroine. 2. You're showing flashes of star quality. 3. Your creative powers are especially available for use in ripening your fondest dreams.

and

There's a Cinderella aspect to the day. It's not that your life is necessarily in bad shape now, but even if you are having difficulties with specific situations, you are likely to turn everything into something better within your fantasy world. Be a positive influence on others by sharing your dreams, but recognize the difference between fact and fancy.