july 12th , 2005
past anagrams	menu	utb

11:05pm

10:26pm

the INXS show rock star to find their new lead singer is really cool.
the competitors are really really good and have so much energy!
my faves right now are jordis (and she's from my city!) and ty.
but if i had to pick i would pick ty. he just seems right for "the part" the most.
these people are WAY the fuck better performers than anyone on american idol ever was (besides fantasia).
i don't think there is anyway i could have been one of the 14 that were decided on to be on this show.
i can sing, but i do not have THAT much energy. i cannot run from one side of the stage to the other and dance and twirl at the same time. i can do one or the other but not both at the same time, which has always bugged me that i couldn't do that.
also my singing style is not what they are looking for.
my singing style is suited for...well MY songs :)
i cannot sing like janis joplin. i can do some good screams and sing pretty damn loud,
but for this kind of singing people are doing...nope...just couldn't pull it off in the way these people are.
i cannot pogo and jump and run and spin at the same time as singing.
but if mazzy star is looking for a singer, or stereolab, or pink floyd, then i'm over that :)

9:54pm

it's good to have this goal of this photo shoot. i hope i can discipline myself to excercise every day for it.
i have just a little less than a month to get myself in better shape. that is enough time to make a difference in my body even more, i think. especially my arms. i'd really like to get my arms looking better.
i just tried to do a push up. ha :) so sad i can't even do one!
i've never been able to do any, tho. my arms have always been weak.
if i keep trying everyday i wonder how many push ups i will be able to do after a month?
i loathe push ups. but i loathe having flabby arms even more.
maybe i can learn to like push ups?

8:35pm

oh, tomorrow is jason's last day before he has 5 days off. not today. so TOMORROW is like his friday. i was a day ahead.
i made it through the day in one piece. worked on the hat a little. worked a lot in my mind about the photo for the calendar and all that goes with that, which is a lot. watching big brother 6 now.
maybe i'll make some scrambled eggs. i have a headache and nothing will make it go away. i don't know why. bah. other than that, things are good.

6:35pm

 

4:39pm

wanting these boots:

http://www.fantasiawear.com/ImagesShoe/ssfan6sv.jpg

and these

http://www.zappos.com/n/p/dp/2230782/c/3.html

and these

http://www.zappos.com/n/p/dp/2493624/c/2385.html

oh damn, no i want these! (holy shit are they ever expensive)!

http://www.zappos.com/n/p/dp/5016580/c/33087.html

oo, these are spiff!

http://www.zappos.com/n/p/dp/2914116/c/22086.html

and these are sweet:

http://www.zappos.com/n/p/dp/3359071/c/12029.html

4:14pm

going through photos that i like the general overall look and feel of what i want.
hair i like, backgrounds i like, colours i like, lighting i like.
i have to get it down even more to something like 10 pictures, and still i don't even know what is still feasable, but here is what i have gathered so far:

 

2:36pm

ok, i'm finding some really great things to wear instead of the rubber dress.
i really want my photo to be more like a lot of the photos i see in the foto decadent community.
i have a floor length see through lace dress from the 20's. it's so thin, the lace so delicate, it's like a buttefly wing.
i've never worn it yet because so far it has no tears in it and i know if ever i wear it, it will tear on something.
i also have some amazing completely shredding butterflywing like victorian shirts than can go over the top as kind of a jacket. and i might sew myself some sort of elizabethan collar from even more lace i have.
(i'm keeping the latex one for my record cover)
then i think i will cover 1/2 my face with tiny rhinestones. i have a photo of bjork doing this so i am just going to copy her on that. ha :)
i am going to wear my hair all up in a bun towards the front of my head and to the side maybe with porcupine quills in it. or silver knitting needles. i don't know yet.
and i will either wear the thigh high black latex boots or the clear boots.
i wish i had the $ to go buy a new pair boots for this. i'm sure in vegas i could find what i want.
liek silver thigh high ones. so it will be a very old decadent but silver space avant garde thing.
and i want to be totally nude under all of it, but maybe situated in such a way that it's not vulgar and totally tasteful, on a red velvet couch.
you'd think in all of las vegas they could find a red velvet couch.
i am going to sort through all my photos i have saved that closely match what i have in mind and email these to them so they know what i mean.
now i just need the $ to buy about 200 swarkovski crystals for my face and maybe a new pair of silver thigh high rubber boots.

anyway, this IS going to be so totally cool if i can get everyone to help me with this vision. i pretty much have it all in place. i just need the photographer to ge what i mean, and i need the setting.
even just any kind of decadant vegas setting woudl be good and i'm sure there are a gazillion places in vegas to do this.

i'm going to look through my photos now so i have photos to show what i mean.

i would also like one of those long cigarette holders and a black cigarette. this is going to be cool and MATURE and tasteful and sexy.

2:15pm

trying my best not to slip into a massive depression.
ate some fresh strawberries and cherries and the doglets had some , too.
listening to harold budd and the cocteau twins.
i'm missing jason and he has to stay late at work again, but after today he has days off! so yay :)

here are some pretty pictures:

http://www.livejournal.com/community/foto_decadent/541331.html

i found out i get my own room when i am in vegas, so yay :)

i'm starting to get ideas for more avant garde photos for this calendar.
btu i don't want to get my hopes up too high because i know time is limited.
still...i can't help but think about how i would want to do things ultimately.
and i'm sure there are so many cool backgrounds in vegas.
i guess i will just work on some avant garde ideas but bring the rubber dress as the thing i can always fall back on in a bind.
but i want to maybe wear shredded ripped up lace things from the 20's and lounge on a red velvet sofa. that's more my style right now.

i wish sonia was around to do my hair. i wish i could afford to get extensions.

 

12:25pm

i had horrible nightmares again, of course. one was that my brother had died and the letter was postmarked june 21st.
my brother and i are not close but when i got the letter he had died i just cried and cried and was so confused as to how he died. this dream was so upsetting i had to get up and check my email just to make sure there wasn't an email in there saying he had died.

then i had this other horrible dream that went on forever. the main part of it was i went out and found all these little cute kittens that were lost and i picked up one and it had rabies and tried to bite me and scratch me and i had it up by my shoulder/neck, and it was holding on so hard i could not get it off. and so i had to hold it very tightly so it would not bite my neck, but also not tight enough i would kill it. but maybe i did hold it to tight or else something else was wrong with it, but it's insides started coming out an i knew then it was in a lot of pain and was going to die anyway so i ripped it off my body with all my might and i sadly threw it in a nearby puddle hoping that it would quickly die and end its misery. it's was fucking awful. but the puddle wasn't deep enough and it started walking towards me again and i could see all it's cute little kiten siblings, too, still outside wandering around and i didn't know if i should help them or what. or maybe they all had rabies.
and then this little boy came out from nowhere and jumped into the pond with the rabid kitten and i just could not get to either of them fast enough to stop this boy and this kiten from meeting and him getting bit.
oh, and the whole time this was happening i was outside of my house and just screaming at the top of my lungs for my mom to come and help me, but she couldn't hear me.

so, ya, every morning i wake up in a state of panic because of dreams like this and it takes me hours to shake them off and calm down and just get to a point where i do not have anxiety and feel safe and can get on with my day an be productive.

fucking sucks.

oh, i just remembered another one. i was back in my band, the blue up?, and the hair and make up people had all made us look like the stepford wives and they were filming and recording us, unbeknownst to me. but when i found out i took all the film and recordings and ripped it all up in front of them. this made me look like a massive control freak bitch, but i didn't care. no one was going to record me or film me without my knowledge, especially when we had been made to wear horrible outfits and the music we were playing was just practicing.

+++

Horoscope for Aries (July 12 2005)

Think about the changes you can make. Good fortune is headed your way through a means that you don't work for. Investments, inheritance, a tax rebate or even winning something looks quite positive.

and

Do nothing
Weak, transient effect: This influence, although brief, can have a disruptive effect on your relationships. The problem is that it tends to make you feel very lonely and isolated, as if there is no one you can communicate with. And this can be a self-fulfilling prophecy. Perhaps unconsciously you send out signals to others declaring that you do not want to be bothered. You may get into a depressed mood that baffles the people around you, so they give up on you for the time being and stop trying to help you. There is a strong tendency to look on the dark side of life and to react much more strongly to disappointments and failures than to reinforcement from others and success. The best way to handle such feelings is to do nothing. Don't take them seriously and don't make any decisions based on the way you feel now.

and

Getting what you need may be somewhat elusive now as your anger can get the best of you if you aren’t careful. It’s too late to enroll in an stress management class. If you are feeling isolated, don’t blame others. Striking out will only push them farther away. Go running or hit the gym, but whatever you do, sweat it out.