july 11th , 2005
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it's 11:11pm

just thought u should know!

10:37pm

i'm in much better spirits. getting outside for a walk, even tho it was too hot to walk for an hour did me a lot of good.
then jason and i watched the show hell's kitchen and now i may watch the taped INXS show.
there isn't much more to say i'm just so happy that i had that breakthrough today as to why i was feeling so completely beyond depressed when i should be feeling the opposite. but now that i have a handle on where those feelings are coming from i can deal with them much better and i feel a LOT better because of that.

here's a funny link jason just showed me:

http://www.heavy.com/diesel2/index.php?pageNumber=1

3:39pm

managed to eat something. opened one of my closets because it made me feel safer to see all the pretty soft clothes.
i found this yellow chiffon marilyn monroe type dress i didn't even know i had the other day.
all my favourite things from the 20's are disintegrating even more. so sad.
trying to think of what to wear for this calendar that joy holben wants to do for his webcam girl documentary.
i asked him what he was thinking of and he said something like all that elaborate body make up and stuff i had on..all those red alphabet letters all over my body, for the cover of my hollywood single.
that took over 1/2 a day to do that. i don't know if he realizes that. and he has 12 or 14 women to photograph so there is no way there is time to dedicate over 1/2 a day just to me.
also, i just don't want to be that naked for it. not in the mood. and i don't like the idea of someone having high res photos of me that show every single pore on my body..sooo......what i am going to suggest, since he wants something sexy is that i wear my kick ass rubber dress and high heeled thigh high dom boots.
that is tres sexy but it covers my body because i'm 39 now and the idea of being 1/2 naked in front of strangers where i am not in complete control of the situation and the entire day is not just dedicated to ME and getting MY vision correct, does not appeal to me.
the rubber dress with boots is a good solution. it's sexy, it covers my body while still showing all my curves and cleavage and it's easy to deal with and does not wrinkle in the suitcase on the way there.
and then all i have to deal with is make up on my face and get my hair done.
doing full on body art takes an entire day to do and there is just no time for this.
so jay, if you're reading this i hope this will be satisfactory to you!
i know it will be.

and still thinking of what i will do for the camshow on the 28th.
i suppose the idea will come to me on that day.
i'll just have to see what kind of mood i am in.

i wish i had the energy today to walk to the bank and deposit the cheque i got for the piano.
i don't know what to do today.
i'm just trying to hold it together.
listening to kate bush.
trying to ground myself.
stay grounded. stay focused.
eat, take vitamins.
jason and i are going to go for a walk when he gets home after 6pm.
we both really miss walking.
it's freaking hot out there, tho.
like right now it's 88 degrees. yikes.

oh god, i just realized that when i am in vegas is right when i am due to have my period.
great.

1:20pm

i did so much yesterday. and today i just feel completely overwhelmed and unmotivated.
yesterday i had so much energy, i was just a powerhouse.
it was bordering on manic, in away. it felt like i if i didn't keep moving i would explode from all the energy that was in me.
today, again, i feel lost and fragile.
it's starting to make me feel crazy. these moods swings of intense energy and optimism to feeling that everything is horrible and pointless and i just want to shut off. i don't know what is going on with me.
or maybe i do but i just don't want and can't write about it and i hope that of i just keep going and take each day at a time it will eventually just sort itself out somehow.
i'm just hoping that if i keep staying productive and keep cleaning and keep organizing and keep creating, even in very small ways, i'm going to "breakthrough" to some happy secure wonderful life for me.
somewhere i am safe.
some hours i am so sure of what i am doing and then other hours it feels like i am stabbing at peas in the dark.
i have all these "big projects" i want to do looming over me.
"looming" isn't a very good word for something i WANT to do.
wtf?
and i'm very nervous. when i am VERY nervous words will get stuck in my head and repeat.
this doesn't happen very often with me, but when i am REALLY nervous it will do that.
and so i type here to drown out the words and make my brain say new sentences.
and i put on music.
right now it's belle and sebastian.
thank god my house is clean and i have been getting things done or i would really be a mess right now.
at least i have SOME order around me.
but i don't want it to turn into some obsessive cleaning and organizing thing like my mother has.
i would never want to be that way.
if a salt shaker is out of the way in her house she will practically have an anxiety attack if she couldn't out it back in it's place asap.
she had her leg in a cast once and she couldn't get around the house and so things weren't as clean as she makes them. and she keep a REALLY clean house.
the kind of clean where you don't feel comfortable there. like everything is untouchable and perfect.
i could never live like that.
but today i feel like her because i am nervous.
i see things getting dusty and i just dusted! and it drives me crazy like it's just never ending.
things will NEVER be clean. there will never be this point in time where absolutely everything is clean it it will stay that way for a long time.
things stay clean for a few hours at the most.
i'm kind of the person who lets things get so dirty to the point where it's overwhelming and depressing and then i get on a big cleaning spree and just clean and clean.
but i don't want to live like that either.
so lately i have been trying the "put things away immediately after using them" method.
and i've found that my entire day could simply be comprised of doing that.
there is always SOMETHING that could be put away or cleaned or dusted.
you can spend your entire day just cleaning up after yourself.
it's maddening. and when i used to go to my mom's house i would see her do this.
her entire day just putting things away, folding things, wiping off the counter, wiping off the sink,
putting the salt shaker away.

she does it because it helps her to not focus on everything that is wrong with herself and her life.
she does it because if she can't (won't) fix herself or her life, then at least she can fix her house.
it's the only way she can exert her control.
she can control her physical environment, and if that is taken away from her, she seriously breaks into tears and falls to pieces because that is the only control she thinks she has.

i can see the appeal and the torture of taking that route with life.
it does keep you busy.
it makes you feel you are doing something productive.
it keeps your mind off things.

and the thing is, for ME, my cleaning IS entirely justified as my house IS a mess.
and things are woefully unorganized.
and these things really DO need to get done.
it's actually very imperative that i organize my house.
and maybe it's all this organizing of my house that is shifting all my energy and making me feel off kilter.

i remember reading on the clearingspace website that after people got rid of things and cleaned their house they fell into a terrible depression and fely utterly lost and like there was a hole inside them.

i think this is what must be happening to me.
going through my stuff and organizing it and throwing things way is REALLY difficult for me.
and while part of me feels good about this process because i know it needs to get done because my stuff is holding me back to doing what i want to do in my life..because if you have so much stuff you cannot find the stuff you need and you cannot even walk around without tripping on stuff, that is really bad.

but still, it served its purpose for me, which is i think it made me feel safe to have all this stuff around me.
like a person who puts on a lot of weight to feel safe and guard themselves.

this is what i have done with my stuff. and the more i get rid of it, and the more i make paths clearer in my house i am feeling more and more unsafe.

ya, i think that is it. because just writing that makes me want to cry now.
wow.
ok, so a tiny breakthrough.
i didn't realize that my stuff being unorganized and all over the floor made me feel safe.
i could maneuver around it really well, because i am a agile little cat.
but for others to come here, they could not be able to navigate so well, and would hit there heads on things and just generally not know WHAT to make of all my stuff. it confused them.
and that's how i made myself safe from others. because i was inwardly happy that i was the only person who actually knew how to safely navigate my house.

does that makes sense?
it was like i was safely in this little maze i had made.

even hanging all the paintings and photos i had to hang was hard for me.
i don't know why.
i guess maybe it reminds me of all the paintings i have in my head that i never paint and so looking at paintings makes me nervous. i'm not sure if that is the reason, tho. i'm just not sure of anything right now.

but having to go through everything and say "does this serve my purpose?"
or "does this object represent me and where i want to be right now or who i am?"

it's exhausting.
i know i don't have to do this all at once, but i'm so sick of things looming over me!
i just want shit DONE with so i can move to the next "level"
whatever that level is.
maybe i'm scared of what that level will be.

like my dream the other night where the scary haunted attic with all the dusty stuff in there was gone and it had all been painted white and cleared out.
but because of that, it uncovered more secret closets filled with other things that scared me that i didn't know of.
i missed the familiarity of the OTHER scary haunted stuff.
like i want familiarity even if that familiarity if scary and bad for me and haunted and holding me back.
at least i KNEW what it was. i had figured it out. i had sussed it.
i knew how to navigate it. i knew what to expect.

i wish i had the clearing cluttter with feng shui book again.
i think i gave it away to a friend.
i need to reread it.

anyway, all of this is really frightening to me and i really hadn't expected to have all these mixed negative emotions of vulnerability and fear simply over clearing my house of clutter.
i expected to have this really wonderful sense of peace and closure and serenity and safeness and a feeling like i could breathe better. i thought i'd feel lighter but instead i feel like a vulnerable wet cat wanting to go hide in a a nice closet full of clutter.

i just didn't realize how intense this was going to be and how my clutter is absolutely intrinsically connected to me feeling safe.

and then it doesn't help that i'm receiving really freaky emails (but i'm getting lots of nice ones, too...why do i focus on the negative ones??)

and there a boxes of things i just don't want to go through because i know they have pictures and letters of my mom in them.
and i accidentally ran into 2 polariods i had taken of my mother yesterday and that really upset me.

and i just don't know what the fuck i am supposed to do with that.
everything to do with my mother. what do i do with it?
i am at a loss.

the thought of throwing it away breaks my heart.
but the thought of it in my house makes me nervous.

there are so many levels to this.
i feel like i am going through some godawful scientology "soul audit".

fuck this is hard. but it helped to write this down because at least i have a clearer picture of why it is i am feeling the way i am feeling. because i feel like i'm going insane when i'm doing GOOD things and these good things i am doing are making me feel nervous, vulnerable, fragile, and suicidal....which is quite the opposite effect i was hoping for.
when you wake up to a pretty clean house and the 1st thoughts in your head are "i'm nervous and want to die", it makes you feel like you are going crazy. because that doesn't even make sense. but now that i have written about this a bit, i now can see a bit more as to why i am feeling this way.

but i just have to move through this.
and i will make it through. and i will evolve.
but this is damn hard. it just really is.
it's everything i can do to not just go hide in my wonderfully cluttered closet today and just hide there and cry and cling to all my stuff so that i feel safer.

12:24pm

i had terrible nightmares that i was kurt cobain and huge machines were trying to kill me.
one was i had to run as fast as i could down a long cement spiral sraircase that went down into the earth, then water starting rising in this staircase very fast so i had to run up it twice as fast as i had been running down it in order to get out of there and not drown. and they (the army or something) were going to close the lid on the staircase so that i would drown. i managed to escape but as soon as i did i found myself on land that was completely flat except for a few trees and a government complex building. a HUGE machine like a tank starting coming at me to either fire on me with it's many weapons or pick my up and crush and mangle me with it's many claw type things.
i rushed for the tree as that seemed my only way out not to die, if there was any way not to die. i quickly tried to use my wits as to how i could use this tree to save my life but before i could figure anything out i woke up.
there was more to this dream and it just went on and on but i don't reember anything more than just that so far.

exhausting.

+++

Horoscope for Aries (July 11 2005)

Take time out for yourself. Do something to enhance your looks and raise your confidence. Work-related problems must be dealt with quickly before they start to play on your mind.

and

From deep below
Weak, transient effect: This influence can bring about very intense emotional experiences, because it tends to bring energies to the surface from the deepest part of your psyche. It is the sort of influence that could make for a very fruitful session with one's analyst. Even if you are not in any kind of therapy, however, you are likely to have some kind of self- analytic interaction with another person. Events that take place today during the day may allow you to learn about your real feelings. Relations with women will be unusually intense now, and in a love relationship this influence signifies deep emotional experiences that can be either positive or negative. Be careful about games in which you and your partner manipulate emotions to gain power over each other. Also be careful about feelings of possessiveness and jealousy.

and

Often you Rams know exactly what you want in love and you go for it. Today, however, your desires are muddled. You tend to idealize your attractions, which can be a lot of fun as long as you don't try to relate them directly to reality. If, however, you can go with the flow, it may lead you to an exciting experience.