july 7th , 2005
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time to listen to c2c

10:24pm

i took vitamins over to jason make sure he is ok and give him goodnight hugs.

not to try and gross you out (men are so, in general, squeamish abut a woman's period, and i find that funny, but at the same time i almost faint if people take my blood on PURPOSE, not because i have a fear of blood, but because i have a fear of sharp things poking me on PURPOSE. when i was a housekeeper at a hospital i would have to clean huge spills of packs of blood which were dropped in elevators and all sorts of things. blood doesn't freak me out. in fact, i find it to be a beautiful substance, not only in colour but in smell. it is pretty much perfect and magical. fresh blood smells so good.
and my periods have never been a terrible thing for me, except for the migraine heaaches i had that would come with them and made me want to die, because the pain was THAT severe. but now that i have amitriptyline to handle the pain, i can appreciate my period again not in this "i am woman and so i am special because i bleed, or in the "goddess" worship thing. i just find it fascinating that every month i bleed this most amazing life substance which is such a wonderful colour. but then , as you know i am weird.
it's not this gross thing. it doesn't smell. it's totally fresh and warm and the most amazing colour of red, which is my favourite colour, not to mention when i have my period i feel so alive and sexual and that is when i have the most intense orgasms.

BUT.....not to be a whiner, but today i just bled and bled and BLED!
and that is why i have been in bed all day. it was a huge loss of blood and even with tampons (which i don't know what is the deal with those but i still have never found one that works well, i would still find myself running to the bathroom with my hand between my legs to catch the warm blood flowing from me.
and that much loss of blood DOES make one want to lay in bed.

some of you are going to be freaked out and ruded out by that. and some will be like "oh cool!" or some will be "that is very interesting! and some will be "ya, that is boring, that happens to me every month."

anyway, i think it's fascinating that every month this blood comes out me in a nonviolent way.
i am reallly going to mss it when it doesn't happen anymore.
i really should save it and paint something with it at least once!

menstration is still such a taboo subject (why?).
and it's been a source of contention with me that we cannot get enough gore in movies but when a woman bleeds in a nonviolent way, it is seen as the most obscene thing ever and unspeakable.

i need to give some photos to:

http://www.mum.org/

i don't know why some people treat this blood as if it were some sort of shit.
and that woman are seen as "unclean" when we have our periods.
and in the opposite way it's not some "holy" thing to be worshipped, either.
i'm not special or holy because i bleed.
there needs to be a balance.
i've never been one to use my period as an excuse for anything, but today, as much as i did bleed, i really did need to just lay there.

this one was especially intense, but also very beautiful.

i kind of feel a little sad that by me even saying this i may gross someone out or be branded as some sort of "whacko feminist". but oh well. it was a huge part of my day. in fact, it dictated what today would be for me.

i can't exactly IGNORE the fact that today i lost a lot of blood!
hello? you know? blood is pouring out of me how do i NOT mention it?

it was just a part of my day as anything else is.

and so, i see no reason to apologize for telling you about it.

i DO have an aversion to saliva, but that is because my brother was a great drooler and so i associate drool with him.
pee and shit are a waste product and so to say blood from periods is also a waste product( in the way that blood is) is a wrong analogy.
yes, it IS a "waste" product (in that it goes to waste, in a way) because a child is not conceived). but it's so much more than that.

to see menstrual blood as a waste is to see women as a waste for not bearing children. we are so much more thna that and our experiences are so much more vast than just to have a child.
as a man, do you feel EVERY time you masturbate and come it is a "waste"? or is there something ELSE to gain from it (beaides the pleasure).
no embryo lived on shit, pee or even drool (or vomit or sweat).
but the fact is, we ALL lived on blood from the womb.
every single one of us.and so i do not see it as a waste product but as food for life.
for every single one of us, our 1st food EVER was menstrual blood.
i think that is pretty cool.

but beyond intellectualising it, it's just a gutteral instinctive "this stuff is amazing" thing for me.

knowing i will never have a child but here it is, the stuff of LIFE coming out of me each month.
i wish there was was something useful i could do with it (besides paint with it or appreciate it on a personal level...and i am certainly not SO into blood that i am wulling to go through any amount of pain for it).

i wonder how my life will change when i do not bleed anymore.
i cannot imagine my life without it.
it is a marker. like seasons.
winter is a time to turn inward, fall to contemplate, spring to rejoice in rebirth and summer to just partake in all of earth's fruit.

and it is also like the waxing and waning of the moon. a time of beginning and endings and everything inbetween.

it will be interesting , as i get older, to redefine myself without blood. before blood, during blood, after blood.
i'm just finally getting the hang of it and what it all "means". to make good usage of these seasons.

when i go through menopause will i still have "seasons" or will it be like moving to a place where to climate never changes?

i am scared, apprehensive, excited.

i'm "sorry" that most of my subscribers are men who could probably give a shit about this. but i hope some of you find it useful.

because it IS useful. and it's the key to a lot of things!

these are our bodies. and it's important to learn about it.

i could go on and on, but i'll stop here....
i don't know if i did a very good job explaining, but it's a start....

i hope 1% of you catch what i am trying to say....

 

8:09pm

i'm just vedging to reality tv. big brother and now beauty and the geek.
it good to just have a day where i do nothing and give my brain and body a well needed break.
jason, on the other hand, is still being worked into the ground and today he had to stay late at work again, and then still, after he came home he could only see me for 5 minutes before he had to go back to his house and work until he goes to sleep!
i feel just awful for him. but today is his last day of working like this, thank god. i think whatever he is working on is over with tomorrow.
but i did do a "feng shui emergency intervention" at his apartment the other night and then did a totally right on tarot card reading for him and the next day was really good for him and he had a few breakthoughs at work :) i do what i can to make his life better and he for me and we make a good team. and i can't wait for this project he is working on all hours of the day and night to be OVER with!
and i hope this weekend he just sleeps and relaxes.
maybe i will have to secretly put xanax in his beverages!
i just went over there and gave him some edamame and turned on his air conditioner.

 

6:22pm

anapic by Jae :)

and another by J.D. Casten:

6:12pm

i'm feeling unexpectedly weepy about the london bombings.
i watched the news and got all choked up.
i guess it just triggered all the feelings of 911 again, but i feel ridicuous to cry over this one when bombs happen every day. i thought i'd be desensitized by now.
i don't know...
it's just like every time this happens a little piece of innocence and the human spirit is killed.
and i just know things are going to get so much worse before they get better because most people are in such denial and ignorance as to why this is happening in the 1st place.
it's hard to watch this unfold. i feel helpless.
i just hope that, in the end, we can evolve and not destroy each other.

 

4:30pm

here is the mannequin that was on the piano.
i don't know where to put her now!

i fell totally back to sleep this afternoon. zonked right out.
i needed that. gave so much energy yesterday. then up early for the piano movers.
they did it so fast, i hardly had time to blink once they were here!
they just wheeled that thing out in about 1 minute!
i squeezed in one last kiss and hug to it as it was rolling down the hall.
the energy in my bedroom is so different without it.
i'm not quite sure what to make of it.
i can't even really take it in because i'm too tired to.
i need to vacuum in that corner and then do the huge task of taking everything off my desk in the thing room and bringing it in here.
but i don't have the energy for that.
my period is on full force so i am just taking this day to lay in bed and bleed, i mean read.
i guess i have energy energy that i could go lint brush up all the dust bunnies that were hiding behind the piano.
*sigh*
and life just feels extra weird because of the bombings in london.
bombings happen everyday and it makes me feel weird and bad, but for it to happen in london makes it extra specially horrid for me, probably because i have actually been there and i know people there and so it seems all the more real and tangible to me. i've taken the underground, i can visualize a bomb going off there.
and i adore london so much. there is such a special place in my heart for it, i have always wanted to live there.
for me, it's the most emotional terrorist attack since 911. it just sends dread through me because i know that is going to happen here, too, again. it's just a matter of time.

i'm also pissed about it because now the focus of G8 is off the poverty in africa.
and live 8 seems especially even more pointless than it already was.

anyway, it's interesting that israel was informed of the attacks before they happened:, according to that site.

11:14am

mouseover:

the piano is gone!
it sure looks awfully empty in that corner now!
i have my period and cramps, so i am going to take it easy today.

i woke up to the terrible news about london, my heart goes out to my friends in england...
:(

+++

Horoscope for Aries (July 7 2005)

Control your temper, even if someone is picking on you or making you feel bad. Don't stick around home if the complaining is getting to you. Get out with friends who understand you.

and

Creative change
You will find it relatively easy to act freely today. You are not very tolerant of restrictions under this influence, and you will look for ways to get away from them. As a result, you are not very self- disciplined, but this is not a serious loss, because whatever you do now is more important than "keeping your nose to the grindstone." You feel that keeping your individuality is more important than living up to other people's expectations, and you let others know this. This is ultimately to your advantage, since you must be yourself in whatever you do. Use this influence to make changes in your immediate surroundings. Chances are, your situation has become too ordered and static anyway. Reform the elements in your life that need to be reformed. This is an aspect of creative change.

and

You plow through the day meeting your responsibilities, but you may not feel as confident about your ability to satisfy the expectations of a family member. If you are seeking the approval of someone special, you must work extra hard now. There is no room for self-doubt as you need to concentrate all your efforts on the tasks at hand. Stay focused and you'll receive recognition.

and

Important long-term influences:

Chiron Sextile Mercury
activity period from middle of February 2005 until end of December 2005.

problem shared is a problem halved ***
Valid during many months: When communicating or cooperating with others we often encounter certain unspoken differences, reservations or sensitivities. These do not seriously hinder the process but interfere insofar that one must be circuitous and considerate, a circumstance that one accepts but in fact cannot really understand. This applies to dealings with others and also, it must be supposed, when others deal with us.
This influence offers the possibility of either raising such issues in conversation with others or being made aware of them in oneself. It is especially important that this be dealt with in a delicate and sensitive manner by both parties. It should not necessarily be the aim of such a talk to get rid of these hindrances in order to make exchanges more efficient in future. This may be the positive result of such discussions in the long run, but as a motive this would certainly result in the interchange not taking place at all or - even if unintended - your counterpart being deeply hurt. On the other hand, if you really try to understand the "singularity" of the other person, the necessary circumspection and consideration will in future no longer be considered tiresome or superfluous.

"A problem shared is a problem halved" they say. But the division or sharing of suffering is a particularly tricky matter. Those who are not led by genuine empathy and a real readiness to understand are in great danger of doubling the suffering by sharing it. A talk can be helpful and healing, but it can also create new wounds. The current effective quality of time presents an opportunity to divide and share - you must determine your motive for so doing.

and

Chiron Square Mars
activity period from middle of February 2005 until end of December 2005.

Enemies around every corner ***
Valid during many months: During this time you should be careful and keep a tight rein on yourself - especially if you are anyway of a spirited disposition. On the one hand you have considerably increased vitality at your disposal - your willpower and ability to assert yourself are more pronounced than on other days, and physical needs will make themselves felt more too; on the other hand, however, there is also a definite tendency towards using this energy inappropriately, or aiming for a particularly unsuitable objective. In concrete terms this means that although you assert yourself effectively and lay great emphasis on achieving your wishes at this time, you could well proceed in an inconsiderate manner towards others or, above all, yourself.
If you are after some kind of "conquest", it is quite possible that under this influence you ignore warning signs and advance too directly and abruptly. In this way you could well receive a very clear rebuff, which would, in fact, have been totally unnecessary. Therefore do not allow yourself to be led by your present, particularly strong desires and needs into simply ignoring the slight restraint or rejection of others - the results could otherwise be unnecessarily painful. During this time there is also the danger that you scent competition or opposition where there is none - following the maxim "He that is not with me is against me". If you are too sensitive and quick-tempered, take every criticism personally and react in an offended manner, then around every corner is an enemy, every conversation can turn into an argument in which you finally, without reason and probably without conscious intent, hurt others and are presumably yourself hurt to the same extent. In your professional life this can lead to your showing yourself up for no reason at all, which you would regret later on. If you have a firm relationship, there could be, for the same reason, ugly jealous scenes which later prove to have been senseless and futile.