july
5th , 2005 |
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8:12pm
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today someone sent me some of their
homemade wine!
one white and one blackberry :)
i am trying the white one now. it says it is a dry wine.
they also sent me some red chili pepper honey, as in hot peppers. it has huge
whole red peppers in it.
how interesting! i've been thinking of what i could with it, and i think it
would be very good to dip my tamari almonds in that i bought the other day
:) don't you think that might be good?
mm, the white wine is good! i am not usually a fan of white wine, either,
but this is not dry , it's sweet. i like it :)
i'm glad i'm home with my piglets
just being mellow. i really wanted to go see fuzzy's concert tonight and i
feel terrible i am not there. i never make it to any of her shows. i am the
worst.
crowds just freak me out tho right now. i just cannot be around things like
groups of people when i am pmsing.
sometimes my pms is worse than other times. this appears to be one of the
more worse episodes. i am so sensitive to light and sound and scent and colour
and the arrangement of objects especially when i am pmsing. it's like all
my senses are heightened and i am very clear on what i want and like and what
i do not want and do not like.
i've said it before and i'll say it again, i do not think pms is a curse but
more of a blessing because it is the clarifier of all clarifiers. you can't
handle any bullshit, you cut through it all to get to the truth. you cannot
"trick" yourself into thinking you you like somebody if you do not.
everything becomes very obvious. you don't have time for pettiness or dullery.
and you have so much energy you could probably build a bridge or a log cabin.
if you are lost, tho, then all you do is become fidgety and aggravated. (not
that i am saying i don't love my fuzzy girl, i'm just saying the crowd, it's
an inknown!)
and i've been quite a bit of that.
but ya, it is definitely a blessing and it's too bad so many women don't see
it as a monthly "clarifier" each month.
ok, i'm off to jason's to watch 6
feet under and then i'll be back in an hour.
7:33pm
not sure i really like the soup i
made. dunno what went wrong with it.
well, you win some you lose some.
it's not like it's gross and inedible it's just not not as yummy as i would
have liked.
i'm an experimenter. sometimes it's hard to get the right combinations when
you are just guessing at what you are doing just to what what will happen.
just one of those days that's kind of "eh."
not a good day or bad day...just an "eh." day.
back to making pink tubes and listening to bjork.
maybe now that i am freezing my soups i can think of them as works in progress. maybe later on after i unfreeze them they will become the perfect complimentary sauce to some bizarre swordfish dish i make?
5:46pm
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soup i am making.
i guess i will just make more tubes as that is a mindless task and i can't
seem to do anything that takes brain power so....i will make more tubes.
and then at 8:30pm i am going to jason's to watch 6 feet under.
that's all i can deal with today.
or maybe i should go out and walk,
it's absolutely perfect out there..
72 degrees...
but i don't want to run into that creepy guy on the bicycle...
i am feeling very antisocial today.
seeing my dad is all the socialness that can be squeezed out of me today.
pms to the max.
i'm listening to bjork.
silly email of the day:
"Here is my Question if I write to you by e mail will you answer? If not please say so thank you"
i also had a girl email me and tell
me that i posted a photo of hers in HER journal and she wanted it posted in
photo contest. she was like "can you please post it in photocontest and
not in my lj? because i want to keep my lj separate from photocontest"
wtf?
5:01pm
spent an hour trying to organize
all the photos i save off the internet into more categorized folders. i should
spend a little time each day doing that. it's going to take forever. i have
THOUSANDS and thousands of photos.
and i need to categorize them or i'm never going to be able to find anything
i want in the huge mess of them.
it's hard to categorize, tho, because so many could go into 4 categries. for
example i have the photos i saved because i loved the hair, the photos i saved
because i loved the clothing, the photos i saved because of the make up, the
photos i saved because it's just a beautiful photo, and the photos i've saved
because it's bjork! and sometimes it's bjork and that photo fits into ALL
thos categories!
then i decided to make another soup.
i stuck in all the rest of my veggies except the string beans.
potatoes, garlic, one little onion, 2 small tomatoes, one green pepper, a
bunch of cilantro, and a bunch of portebello mushrooms. and then, i cheated
and stuck in some beef boullion cubes.
do you think the potatoes and mushrooms would be good mashed together with
lots of butter? dunno...
jason is on his way home. he had a horible day and now has to work even more from home again. poor guy :(
i don't know what i will do next
with my day.
i could go for a walk, i could read, i could work on those tube scarves to
sell (which i should be doing).
i could crochet other things. i could paint.
i could clean more.
i just don't really know...
i surely have been kind of lost lately in the motivational department except
for those few days i went on that cleaning rampage and when i went on the
mad tube making spree. well, then i did do an all naked all week and make
lots of photos.
i guess i have done a lot lately. it just feels like i am capabale of so much
more and i get aggravated at myself because i see all the things in my mind
that aren't getting created.
i get impatient and overwhelmed and then become indecisive and paralyzed.
i have to remember to just keep going forward one step at a time.
even if it is small steps, all these steps will eventually add up to something.
i paid rent. i went to the little store for garbage bags and cokes and paper towels and aspirin.
just keep going ...keep going....
3:38pm
i wonder if my hair could handle
it if i got a perm.
i just want a big mass of freaked out frizzed out hair.
3:13pm
some guy named joebot on myspace informed me that he took this picture of me at the voltage fashion show with his cellphone:
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there i am at the very end there, looking very short, and you can't make out much of me!
2:45pm
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2:00pm
dad just left. it all went well!
yay!
there was no huge bomb of information he dropped on me. thank god!
we just had our normal conversations about things.
family stuff. his retirement coming up. his health. my life. stuff.
nothing got really emotional or overly dramatic.
i totally held it together and was very low key.
i offered my psychoanalyzations of things but in the most low key way imaginable.
i didn't get all "intense" about anything. i didn't feel like crying,
i didn't talk too fast.
*whew*
he seemed to like my house, i think. he didn't say much about it.
he never really does say much about stuff sometimes.
actually, i don't think he said anything about my house except
"you're very creative", which is his patent diplomatic answer to
almost everything.
he thought it odd i didn't have a table for us to eat, but we did have the
piano bench to eat our sandwhiches :)
he didn't sit on my bed, he sat on the antique wicker chair.
so ya, it was all a good thing. not such a big deal.
i am sooooooo relieved!!!!
and i had fresh flowers and cherries and licorice tea for him :)
now i can relax for the rest of the
day.
or something.
and tomorrow i get the piano tuned.
even tho it all went well, i still haven't fully digested it all and i still feel a kind of "wall of heightened altertness" around me which i made to be ready for anything, so even tho it went well and was low key, i still need to kind of unwind all my defenses i had up to be on my "best behaviour". if i was a miltary unit, my unit was on high alert. and now i need to take a breather and give the "all clear" to myself.
i didn't talk about me very much,
i just waited for him to say whatever it is he wanted to talk about and i
let him steer the conversation. and when he said at the end "is there
anything else we need to talk about" and i said "nope!"
even tho i wanted to say "well, i'm still mad you gave mom cupcakes on
my birthday". but i resisted the temptation because it's pointless to
go there. completely pointless. so i just let things be the way they are and
that is that and that is basically satisfactory.
my dad showed me a photo of my brother and he looks SO different as he gets older! i could hardly recognize him!
i still only see him as being about
12 years old.
i haven't talked to him in maybe years.
when he realized that my mom and i were having trouble he took that as is
"in" to finally get my mom's attention and be the good son since
he was always the bad and i was the good.
and the little game he played with me about that pissed me off, just when
we were finally starting to talk for the 1st time in our lives.
i won't get into it. i think i've already talked about it before here anyway.
but i was like, you want mom? you can have her.
but i guess he got what he wished for and my mom has turned all her attention
to him and so he is getting the full on controlling onslaught from her. in
fact he is the focus of the family now, which is what he had always wanted.
and he realizes this.
be careful what you wish for.
it's too bad i never had a relationship
with my brother that was ever good or close. in fact, i feel more like an
only child and he was just a very abusive roomate that i had to put up with.
my dad expressed to me that my brother sometimes wishes to talk to me.
hmm. dunno if i want to even go there.
the 2nd i didn't have to live in a house with him anymore i pretty much just
never dealt with him again, as much as i could.
it's too bad things turned out that way. but oh well.
things just are the way they are.
i love him in a weird kind of distant way.
it's hard to explain.
i miss the relationship that could have been between us.
but it just wasn't meant to be.
when my parent's die and i am still
alive, it will be my responsibility to take care of my brother. my dad has
a little fund for him which i must be in charge of to make sure his bill's
are always are paid. he has a lot of disabilities, although i think my brother
milks it a little bit to his advantage and he acts a lot more helpless than
he really is.
it's complicated.
9:59am
my dad will be here at noon.
gonna try to clean a bit, drink some coffee, get mentally prepared.
i'm apprehensive and nervous.
+++
Horoscope for Aries (July 5 2005)
Be very careful how you handle your loved ones today. You will be dealing with someone who is overly sensitive. Plan to relax and listen to the complaints that others have.
and
Pleasant first impressions *
This is one of the most favorable influences for personal relationships. You
can readily express your love and affection, and others are likely to show
their affection for you. Seek the company of others, because you are in a
sociable frame of mind today. Today is also a good time to resolve any problems
in your personal relationships. You will be able to discuss any tensions that
exist without difficulty, assuring your loved one that your love is sincere.
This is also a day when you may meet a new lover or friend. It is a good time
for any necessary new encounters because the environment favors pleasant first
impressions.
and
Direct your excess energy inward
today, even if you have the urge to go out and paint the town. You're still
riding an optimistic wave, but you may also feel the undertow pulling you
into emotional currents of uncertainty and even pessimism. Remember, the best
way to deal with strange currents is to go with the flow, rather than depleting
yourself.