| july
4th , 2005 |
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10:51pm
japanese food, no movie, no fireworks.
i hear them going off now. it's nice being inside.
i made it so my alarm will go off at 9am so i can get up and do last minute
cleaning before my dad comes over at noon.
apprehensive.
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6:28pm
both jason and i are indecisive fidgeters
today.
our whole day has been
"what do you wanna do?"
"i dunno what do YOU wanna do?"
"i dunno what do you want to DO?"
finally we have decidedd we will go eat japanese food because jason wants
that sesame spinach thing.
then we will get our for a walk and then we are going to go home and watch
"sideways"
or some other movie.
we might skip the fireworks this year.
i wish we had a lawn and could just go bbq and eat potato salad like the rest of the nation right now :)
4:55pm
ok, i guess we are not going to a
movie now.
hmm....what to do what to do....
*fidgets*
4:43pm
i'm completely fidgety today.
i tried to read but kept reading the same sentence over and over again.
i think i need to get out of my house and just go do something mindless.
so jason and i are going to go see war of the worlds.
1:58pm
tomorrow my dad is coming over to
MY house for lunch!
i'm nervous! he has never asked to see where i live, this will be his 1st
time over here.
i'm glad that i have cleaned so much!
i hope he likes it. it's nervewracking having a parent come over to surmise
your living situation.
maybe i would feel differently if this was a normal thing he did, but since
it's so out of the ordinary i feel like this is some sort of "test"
or something as to how well i have managed my life or something.
i wish my house was PREFECTLY clean. but it's clean enough maybe.
i wish the walls were freshly painted and the carpets were cleaned so things
really looked rrrreeeaally clean.
i also do not know what he wants to talk to me about or if this is just some
sort of mellow get together or if he has some "big thing" to tell
me or something.
i don't know, the whole thing makes me massively nervous.
i hope it all goes well and there is nothing i need to fear about this.
this is just all so different. he never goes about things in this way.
i feel vulnerable.
in other news, it doesn't seem real
to me that it's july 4th.
to tell you the truth, i don't think i would even care much if i missed the
fireworks.
every year, lately, the fireworks seem less and less spectacular.
like it's just something i go look at because that's the thing to do.
having to go and find a spot where you can see anything and deal with bugs
and deal with everyone and their children. i'm just not into it so much this
year especially.
i'm trying to think if there ever was a 4th of july where i have not gone
to fireworks.
it seems there must have been ONE i missed, but i truly cannot think of a
time where i didn't go.
i also think this whole thing with the war, iraq, bush has made me feel far
less patriotic than in any years past. i've never been a very patriotic person.
i like to think of myself as an earthling, not an american.
but to celebrate our independence at the expense of others we squash, it seems
vulgar to me, especially this year.
the national anthem "the rockets red glare...the bombs bursting in air"
it just pretty much is absolutely distasteful, vulgar, cheap, and sad.
when i see gay rights being smashed, and women's rights being eroded away
and the poor treated like crap...when i see what our government is doing in
iraq...and how the government even treats it's own soldiers like expendable
people they can use up for whatever purpose they see fit and then call that
"honour". it's just sad.
america is becoming less and less a land of the free....
12:32pm
i had interesting dreams. in a lot of my dreams i revisit the same houses. sometimes they are houses i have actually lived in, but many of them are houses i have never been to except in my dreams, but i have dreamt about them so much i could draw you out whole floorplans to the places. i even have a few cities i go to that i have never been to and don't exist, at least here on the earth plane, that i could map out for you.
last night i visited this very old
victorian style house again. it is about 4 stories tall, including the attic.
it is so cool, i wish it really existed. there are several rooms which are
haunted. it has cool staircases and secret staircases. the very top room is
like a secret old church that no one even knows is there. you have to take
a very secret, dark, narrow, steep, dusty rickety staircase up to it, and
as you move up the staircase you can feel the air getting very "dense"
like a pressure is building up (kind of like when you go underwater) and it's
very difficult to withstand. this pressure means that it is extremely haunted
by some sort of massive presence.
no one goes up there anymore because not many can stand the pressure, plus
it's just plain creepy.
but if you can bear it, it's such a cool place. it's so covered in dust that
you leave footprints that almost look like you are walking on the moon. there
is a huge pipe organ up there that i even got working once. and there are
pews for people to sit for church and even balcony seating. lots of old furniture.
chests of drawers. i don't think i've ever looked in the drawers, i don't
know why.
then there is another secret staircase even in there that goes up to the roof
and up on the roof there is a little place you can sit with a great view.
but the roof is not stable and so you can't really go up there anymore, but
the old man who was the builder of the house built that as a secret place
for him to go up and get away from it all.
i always wish that i could buy this house or own it somehow so that i could
restore it.
but the fanily that lives in it, that has been in it for generations, just
sort of takes it for granted and that is why it fell into disrepair. i actually
know more about their house than they do. i have to show the young generation
that lives in it now where all the secret places are.
going forward in time, it actually ends up being condemned and demolished
(i just found that out in my dream last night) so that is sad that it ends
up not being restored. maybe i can somehow have a lucid dream someday where
i can restore that house.
so anyway, i always try to show people this church up in the attic but not
many can ever go with me because the pressure makes them turn back.
but this time i did get someone to come with and when i got up there i was
surprised to find the entire place cleaned out!
there was no dust. all the walls had been painted white! most of all the stuff
that had ever been up there was gone.
the pipe organ had been sold!
and it did not seem to be haunted by any presence at all!
i was kind of happy for this, in a way, because i knew that feng shui-wise,
this was a good thing.
but i was sad because now i could only describe how eerie and bizarre it once
had been up here.
so it was a happy feeling that something had been fixed and healed energy
moved out, because it was such a dark dark place, and this was a good sign
it was being cleand out. but i weirdly missed it.
then the place to a new turn and
there was another previous owner (or maybe i was just seeing a new side to
the original owner/builder now that a lot had been cleared away) to this place.
a man who had gone crazy and in his insanity he had built androids to fulfill
his needs and these androids were still all functional and just sitting around
waiting to do whatever it was he had programmed them to do and be.
one was a kind of rundown older woman prostitute.
she was in a tiny back room laying on a shabby single bed and she was lonely,
but i think she was just programmed to be lonely. so he could fulfull his
fantasy that he would come upon this poor single mother-type woman and take
advantage of her loneliness and make love to her, when in reality it was his
loneliness he was needing to heal.
i laid down on the bed with her and spooned her because she did just seem
so lonely, and her personality was so intricate that i really could not tell
if she really truly COULD feel or not. as was her programming, she immediately
tried to make love to me and her mouth was made of tin and her tongue was
a little hollow tin tube. it was horrible.
i immediately got up as this is not what i had wanted at all. but i truly
could not tell if she was really feeling anything or just programmed so well
it seemed that she felt.but i felt sorry for her anyway.
and then there was another android hidden away in a closet and he was a flaming
homosexual robot (in the closet, ha) and this had been the man's most guarded
secret and his love for it was so twisted it almost bordered on violent. like
the homosexual android had "a joker" from batman vibe about it.
i was afraid to let it out of the closest to even inspect it because i did
not trust it not to hurt anyone. maybe it was harmless but it seemed to be
just so full of energy, like a coiled up spring, that if i let it out i just
didn't know what it was going to do. it seemed there were sex toys in there,
too, i only peered into the closest through a crack. and maybe there were
secret journals in there written in a secret code alphabet.
and then i'm not totally sure, but i think there was a warrior android and
also a butler android.
that's all i can remember of the dream. and then going up to the roof to show
the person that place but i was afriad the roof was going to give out on us
so we diddn't stay up there long, but reminisced how cool it must have been
when it was all functional.
+++
then i had another dream that a factory
had taken all my kittens and killed them for some reason. like the factory
ran on kittens, smashed them up and they either used that as base material
to make something else, i wasn't really sure. whatever it was, i just knew
it was horrible.
the tried to cover up the fact that they were evil and make me feel better
and try to gain my friendship (to keep my mouth shut as to their evilness)
by giving me this trophy plaque thing that said good things about me on it
and also had 3 silver dollars on it. there was a camera crew to capture the
moment as they wanted this to be good PR for their company.
i didn't want the plaque and whatever good things it said about me on it were
valueless to me and i didn't even bother reading it but i ripped the 3 silver
dollars off the plaque and told them i was just going to take that money and
jump on the 1st bus out of there and go as far as 3 silver dollars would take
me. and this would be an adventure.
so a bus arrived, and the door opened, and i asked the driver where he was
going and how far would 3 silver dollars take me and he said he was going
to gary, indiana and it would take 36 to 65 hours to get there.
and i thought, sounds fine with me, and i recollected the song "gary,
indiana" from a musical.
i tried to think of where indiana even was, but couldn't remember. was it
in the south or by ohio?
i didn't care. i asked some people what they thought of that place, and they
said it was a great city and i would love it there. and then i saw the city
as a bowl shape that looked like a strainer in the earth.
when i got out in gary indiana, i was surprised to find that they dropped
em off 3 blocks away from my house!
so it was a completely serendipitous thing that by me blindly going to gary
indiana, i ended up home.
and i was so happy.
but in my dream i didn't actually get home, i was still 3 blocks away, just
realizing that i was almost home.
+++
then i had another dream that i was
in a small town and there were 2 tornadoes.
i think i may have still been on the bus going to gary , indiana, and saw
1 HUGE tornado as thick as many city blocks coming straight towards us and
there was another very skinny one in the distance. i screamed ta the driver
to turn the bus around and go AWAY from the tornado but he didn't seem to
get it. so i made him stop the bus and everyone got off and we all knew we
had to find a basement fast. people were running everywhere and knocking on
doors to see if anyone was home and to please let them in, but i knew that
no one would answer the doors because everyone in that town had already gone
to the basements. the only way to survive was to bust in someone's basement.
i saw one that had a window i could get open. i pushed against the window
and instead of breaking, it was just plexiglass and popped out. and i crawled
into the basement, i yelled at everyone to follwo me but they would not, they
thought i had done a horrible thing by busting inot a house without permission.
and i thought better to do that than to die!
when the tornado had passed the owners
of the house came home and it was owned by 2 men from india.
and at 1st i thought they were going to be very angry with me and kick me
out and i was so stressed out by this point i just burst into sobbing tears
and and got on the floor in prayer position asking for their forgiveness and
for them to please not kick me out and that i meant no harm i just didn't
not want to die and i sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. and they took pity on
me and let me stay and gave me a blanket.
------------
my dreams exhaust me.
(weird that, in my dream, i broke into the home owned by 2 indians in gary INDIANa)
lyrics from the song "gary, indiana" from the musical the music man:
Gary, Indiana!
What a wonderful name,
Named for Elbert Gary of judiciary fame.
Gary, Indiana, as a Shakespeare would say,
Trips along softly on the tongue this way--
Gary, Indiana, Gary Indiana, Gary, Indiana,
Let me say it once again.
Gary, Indiana, Gary, Indiana, Gary, Indiana,
That's the town that "knew me when."
If you'd like to have a logical explanation
How I happened on this elegant syncopation,
I will say without a moment of hesitation
There is just one place
That can light my face.
Gary, Indiana,
Gary Indiana,
Not Louisiana, Paris, France, New York, or Rome, but--
Gary, Indiana,
Gary, Indiana,
Gary Indiana,
My home sweet home.
-------------
Horoscope for Aries (July 4 2005)
You can set the standard today by taking the initiative and following through with your plans. Love is in the stars. A creative venture will pay off if you take control and put your heart and soul into every detail.
and
Clear and concise
Valid during several weeks: Under this influence you are likely to have a
rather busy day communicating and engaging in exchanges with others. It is
a favorable time for all negotiations and business dealings, because your
communication is likely to be clear and concise. Your mind is sharper than
usual today, and you are receptive to what others have to say. You express
your thoughts in a way that is easily understood. You may travel more than
usual today, but it is likely to be in the world that is familiar to you rather
than in a new and different environment. It is a good idea to use a day like
this for routine business that requires a clear mind and considerable attention.
Such matters will go much more smoothly than usual.
and
You are conflicted now between your
desire to spend the day quietly with friends and family and your restlessness.
You normally bore quickly and today your over-active thoughts can fuel an
attraction to extreme sports activities or emotionally charged situations.
Be careful about creating unnecessary drama just because you want a bit of
excitement or an excuse to escape.