july 2nd , 2005
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8:17pm

ok, i'm alright now. i went for a walk for an hour, my usual way.
it was very windy but that helped with the heat. everyone is out because it's 4th of july weekend.
my 1st 1/2 of my walk i was just getting my aggression out and then when i reached my destination, which is this certain thing by the railroad tracks, i beamed positive energy to jason and apologized to him for being such a grump and wrapped him in light in hoping he would feel it at the concert.
on the way back i stopped at the train to take pixtures of the grafitti on it.
and i found 7 railroad spikes and put them in my purse. that was heavy!
i also took a cattail by the pond. i saw a duck and a dragon fly and 2 daisies.
and i found a tree that had eyes on it just like in the book reenie gave me.
i took pictures.
i was really happy on my walk home knowing that it was good i got outside and got excercise and i needed to do that very badly.
and i could hear dennis deyoung singing across the river and that actually made me happy because i knew jason was there and being really happy about that :)
i was scared of people on the 1st half of my walk. everyone looked scary to me, even tho they probably weren't, i would try to scan their "vibes" and put up shields.
on the way home i didn't feel that way about people. i saw the goodness in them instead...
except then right in the middle of me finally feeling ok about humans, this really reallllly creepy man on a bike who was smoking a cigarette and had longish grey hair and a moustache, i think said "hey, can i talk to you?"
in that way that you just knew it wasn't going to be anything you wanted to talk about.
and certainly not with this guy and i just kept walking briskly with barely a glance at him and said "no!"
and then he said in the drawl "well, i'm going to talk to you anyway."
and that CREEPED ME OUT.
what a fucker. i was truly scared and i looked around to see where i was and how far i had to walk until i was with people and it was just a few blocks, but i picked up my speed and i put my sunglasses on as if to say "i am tuning you out and you don't exist to me".
and he said "oh well.."
and i didn't look back to see if he was following me until i was finally with people and then i couldn't see him anymore.
i'm pretty sure that if there hadn't been people around within screaming distance that this man was dangerous and had very bad intentions. but had my german map bag full of railroad spikes that was i was going to bludgeon him with if he came anywhere near me.
i really fucking hate that people invade my boundaries like that. it's so fucking evil.

just the way he said it "i'm going to talk to you anyway...in this calm evil southern drawl"
it reminded me of the guy that busted in my house and as he held me at knife point he also said in his southern drawl "all i want is you little girl"

it makes me so angry that i have to be scared to be on outside.
that i can't just go for a walk and find cat tails and get railroad spikes and try to start feeling better about people without someone just fucking with me like that.

all my muscles are just in a huge knot now. and i was so happy finally and then right at the pinnacle of my happiness he just shut me down again and i held on to my purse so hard the muscles in my hands were almost frozen.
fuck him for doing that to me.

i don't know how many people realize that impact that as on me.
it is something you have to experience, knowing you could die a brutal death ANY second of the say for NO reason.
this is my reality. not just mine but so many people.

anyway, i'm home now.
i'm glad that my walk was mostly a positive experience.
i really needed to walk and get outside.

jason will be home soon. i'm going to make a tv dinner and chill out.

and see how my pictures turned out.

6:18pm

i'm so fucking bummed out.
all day i was just dreading going to this thing but i wanted to see jason. so i got ready and mentally prepared myself as much as i could and got dressed and we were all set to go and then he tells me that 2 of his other friends are going too. and he told me that he told me this before, but i obviously do not remember that part at ALL.
so fuck.
the only reason i was going was so that i could see jason ALONE and talk with him as we walked and stuff.
i do not want to have to make conversation with 2 other people, 2 people who i have a hard time having a conversation with anyway. fuckity fuck fuck fuck.
FUCK.
well, i'm all dressed to go outside now so i am just going to go on a walk alone and at least get the fuck outside and get some excercise.
god, how fucking upsetting.
i don't know why i did not hear him whenever it was he told me that they were coming, too.
and i miss out on going yesterday because i didn't know what time we were leaving, and now this.
i don't know what is my deal that i cannot remember him ever telling me any of these details of stuff.
and i am just not a person who can be super spontaneous when i am like this and just go with the flow.
i have to know exactly what i am dealing with and when we are leaving and where we are going and what i might expect the atmosphere to be like once i get there.
because i have to mentally prepare myself and get all my various shields up for what i might come across and that takes time and energy to do, for me, especially when i am feeling fragile and aggravated and i have PMS up the wazoo.

all i want is to see jason ALONE.
that is all i want.
i just want to to talk to him and see his eyes and hold hands.
and i don't want people eating deep fried pickles and his friends talking to him and to me and dennis deyoung doing his overly theatrical bad nasally singing on top of it all.

i understand that this is his weekend and i'm not trying to stop him from seeing his friends.
lord knows i always go with and stuff and let him see his friends and everything.
i just hate it when once in awhile what i want to do with him does not coincide with anything of how i am feeling and what i want to do.
and so i just feel like i fucking lose.
and it makes me feel like some sort of freak that i can't just go out into the world sometimes and deal with throngs of sweaty people like everyone else seems to be able to deal with just fine.

it makes me feel like there is something totally wrong with me and i am some sort of defective crazy person.

but i know i am not, i am just the way i am and i wouldn't be who i am if i were not like this. and there is nothing WRONG with not liking to go mix with the noisy masses when what you really want to do is just listen to ambient music and smell roses or go off into nature somewhere and listen to birds or something.

i wish i was a people person, a crowd person, but i am not. especially today, it's like nails on a chalkboard to me.
i need peace and quiet and things that smell nice, not some some corn dog stand and all the trash that people throw on the ground and all the children and blech.

i just want to sit by a quiet pool of water and hold hands with my lover and snuggle.
if that makes me a freak then so be it.

but i am upset and i am lonely and i feel left out, even tho it is me who is the one who decided to not go.
but just AUGH, you know?

FARG.

i'm going to go for a short walk, and then come back and watch live 8 and crochet and snuggle with the dogs.

at least my house is clean.. thank god for that.

god, i feel so volatile and my moods are swinging all over the place. i hate being this way.
i feel like such a freak.

5:40pm

well, i'm going to brave it and go into the world of "the taste of minnesota" full of cheese curds, deep fried everything you can think of, and a lot of people with mullets and watch dennis deyoung of styx sing, of all godawful things.
but i want to see jason and if this is what i must do to see him, then, by god, i'll do it.
plus i want to get outside and walk. who knows, maybe i will have fun.
wish me luck!
i hope i can find something to wear that i like. when i have pms i am like one of those women who tries everything on and i hate it all.
too bad i can't just be nude outside because it's 83 degrees out and who wants to wear clothes when it's that hot? not me.
i'll be back in a few hours.
godspeed.

 

12:58pm

i certainly don't like one of my horoscopes today. eee!
(the middle one)
but then i went back to astro.com to when that ends and it said:

"The interpretation above is for your transit selected for today:
Saturn Square Sun exact at 11:54
activity period from end of October 2004 until 10 July 2005. "

so that means that whole period for me is ENDING on july 10th, and i can certainly say that since oct 2004, i HAVE experienced that influence! so whew that it is ending! because when i read that i was like oh GOD, haven't i had enough of that? and yes, i HAVE. and saturn square my sun is OVER on july 10th!
oh happiness :)

i really want to order the extended daily horoscope from that place.
there is so much i want to order from that place.
like the extended psychological horoscope.
they have gift certificates
i'll have to keep that in mind for presents for people in the future.

i had another crappy sleep.
i think i might take a nap.
jason is napping, too.
and he is taping live 8 for me :)

i spent so much energy last night making those photos that today i am sleepy! that was cool how all of a sudden i had a surge of creativity.
i never know when it's going to hit me. i couldn't have predicted it!

i'm really pissed that when those maintenance guys came over to fix my window, they fixed one part, but totally fuct it up in another part. i cannot get it to close all the way now. and the wind whistles trough the crack loudly and i have to eaither stuff the crack with kleenex or put a piece of tape over it, which was i did this morning.
i was sooo tired but could not sleep because of the noise i finally stumbled 1/2 asleep the kitchen and found a roll of packing tape and put it over the crack so i could go back to sleep.

jason wants to go back to the "taste of minnesota" again today so he can see dennis deyoung. i don't know if i can deal. i really don't like him. but jason is just nuts about him :)
if i go, i'll go at 6.
maybe i can just wear my gun silencer headphones while the music is playing. ha :)
i just want to get outside and to see jason. i miss him.

 

1:39am

http://www.izpitera.ru/lj/tetka.swf

move her with your mouse.

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i'm stuffed with grape leaves, thank u bayarts :)

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Horoscope for Aries (July 2 2005)

Do something that will improve your surroundings. Spruce up your yard or decorate your interior. Invite friends over or organize an event. Romance is in the stars, and you don't want to miss out.

and

Patience and perseverance ***
Valid during many months: This influence represents a time of critical developments. Various factors in the outside world will challenge you strongly, and it may seem difficult to maintain your freedom of action in whatever you are trying to do.
You may feel unusually discouraged at this time, because your vitality is at a low point. It may be best not to struggle too hard against any adversity that comes into your life now. Patience and perseverance will carry you through until your energy level is up again.

Authority figures, such as employers, government officials or parents, may prove difficult to deal with. You may find that they are not receptive to your plans or suggestions, that they resist your efforts. It is advisable to work patiently to bring them around to your point of view. Don't withdraw from the confrontation, but don't fight blindly. That would guarantee defeat.

This period of your life is directly linked to a time seven years ago, a time of new beginnings for you. This time now is made especially difficult by the fact that many of these projects have been going quite well, and the current difficulties seem totally unexpected.

However, this is a period of trial, which will demonstrate whether or not those new beginnings were valid. Anything invalid is likely to fall by the wayside. You will probably regard it as a failure. But you may not be aware right away that this is happening, especially if you are not paying close attention.

Your ambitions may be thwarted now, but be patient and make sure you are on the right course. If you are, this period will be a trial rather than a defeat. Even if it is a defeat, you can still accomplish a great deal by transferring your energies to more productive areas.

and

You know something good is going to happen, yet you don't know what it is. You can feel it in every cell of your body. Maybe you are willing to take a risk in order to stir up some fun. Just remember to check out your plans with others in your life, for they may not be as ready for action.