july
1st , 2005 |
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11:02pm
ok, wrote my dad. just made a nice
positive email.
no big deal. no panic. just laid back email.
ok, *whew* that is done. i did it. and it was a totally mellow nonfreaking
out email.
wow, that was such a process just to write that.
i'm so weird.
bayarts "lovebomb" (hippy terminology) brought me back to reality
and grounded me and i was able to just write a normal email.
which is what i wanted to write him.
just a NICE NORMAL email.
10:50pm
i'm going to curl up and look at my chez panisse cookbook!
10:20pm
TREASURE!!!
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bayarts
is such a treasure to me!
just when i was feeling so low....i get this belated birthday package from
her.
i hadn't checked my mail today but i did tonight and here was this HUGE package
just CHOCK full of faerie pirate booty!
it was JUST what i needed to lift my spirits of of the dark cloud i was in.
the most amazing perfume cologne stuff i have ever known! i cannot live without
it now! citrusy! powerful! wow!
i sprayed it all over my bed!
food! packs of GOOD ramen, multicolured shell noodles, stuffed grape leaves!
indian food and blueberry tea!
oh! bath salts! 2 bath bombs! 3 bars of soap that smell HEAVENLY and here
i was completely out of soap, down to my last sliver!
2 art pieces she did! my favourite ones! she does these beautiful collage
paintings. one a triptich (sp?) of an homage to frida kahlo!
this delicious bowl she made from paper and other things, i have to inspect
it with more detail in the daylight!
the bowl was FULL of gorgeous polished rocks!!
a chez panisse cookbook!!
ooooooo ahhhhhhh!
this paper lantern that i put on top of my lamp and it looks great right there!
all 60's and twiggy!
this fuzzy felted coinpurse!
am i leaving anything out? i hope not!
i mean this box was PACKED!
i could not BELIEVE it was almost BOTTOMLESS!
everything smells sooooo good in
my house!
it was like this was a love bomb and i opened it and all this love just POURED
out all over me!
i am just so freaking honoured...i am floored and blown away. i am soooo....tears of JOY this time.
this just exactly what i needed.
i am so humbled and honoured to receive these gifts, especially her paintings
and collages and the bowl she made!
they will be put in special places in my house! very inspiring!
i am SO lucky to have such friends
as this.
so talented. so giving and loving.
god, it was just the smack in the butt i needed to get me out of my little
pity party i was having.
i am so blessed.
THANK you bayarts, damn, you are
going to get a lovebomb back!
just when you least expect it :)
oh and those swamp root things, what
are those called? i LOVE them!
they are smooth roots from swamps!
love them!
i'm going to go look at all my rocks now and inspect the bowl more.
i'm going to eat some stuffed grape
leaves!!!
i will take pictures of all this stuff tomorrow when i have better light!
and now i hear fireworks going off
in the distance.
i hope jason had fun at deep purple.
he should be home soon.
9:10pm
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8:23pm
finally made it to the bath. laid
in it and cried.
trying to formulate how to write my dad back in the most diplomatic and good
way.
i want to see him and heal things between us. but the thought of seeing him
puts me in a panic.
because i feel i will just burst inot tears if i see him.
and i don't knwo how i can stuff all my emotions in me so as to not show any
of them so he can just tell me what he wants to tell me.
i am still so angry and disapointed with him. and a big part of doesn't want
to work it out at all because i just feel it will be exhausting and pointless.
and i can't go there anymore trying to explain or prove myself.
and so, i just want to shove all my issues way deep inside where he can't
see them and just let him talk.
i don't know how to do that.
i don't know how i can be there for him without all my feelings gettting in
the way.
i don't know how to do this. i'm completely panicked.
everytime i try to think of how to write him back an email, i burst into tears.
i hate this.
i jsut wish i didn't have to deal with it all.
i'm sick of dealing with shit like this.
i just don't have anything in me to deal with it.
the thought of being in a room with him alone puts me in an absolute state
of panic...i just don't want to "go there".
augh.
i don't know what to do or say or how to go about this at all.
i feel utterly trapped and i have no hope about this.
god, i'm so nervous.
i have to write him back SOMETHING.
my stomache is in knots.
6:04pm
this day is what it is.
i give in to whatever it wants to be.
i'm listening to kate bush again.
jaosn brought me over a coke before he left to go see deep purple.
it's good i didn't go. i feel too fragile today to be around that much energy.
i'm doing a little better now.
thank you for the kind emails, it helps :)
i feel like a little kitty kat today. today i do not roar so much as mew.
that's ok.
i need to get to the little store for paper towels and food.
i am really low on food. maybe i will order some food from simon delivers.
my fridge has nothing in it but various kinds of sauces and some old bread.
i'm so grateful that i have money to spend on food.
oh, and rent is due today! and i can pay it :)
yay :) i will pay rent today, too.
things are good. things are good.
maybe i will take a moment to sit in a patch of sunlight outside when i go
to the little store.
i guess i should take a bath.
new band i love: deerhoof
the goldfrapp site has clips of all
the songs from their new cd "supernature" that comes out in europe
in august.
they are just going the more ordinary synth pop route and not the more arty
and detailed and cinematic "felt mountain" which is a masterpiece.
i'm a little disapointed, but i still love them :)
and i'll still buy it when it comes out.
i've also discovered rachel stevens
who is kind of like "black cherry" goldfrapp.
and i'm checking out someone named richard x, too.
5:55pm
i did a search on the name of the guy who insulted me and came up with this amazing sculptor:
i'm sure the guy who made these sculptures
and the man who insulted me are not the same person, at least i sure hope
not.
anyway, the sculptures are beautiful!
there, i discover something new and wonderous and inspiring because of something bad.
5:36pm
stupid email of the day:
"Hi Ana,
Your TITS are AWFUL
I know U had a boob job, whoever did it, did a really CRAPPY job, your BOOB's/nipples
are all out of whack. Are you mad at the Doctor who did them? I hope you SUE
his/her ASS AND WIN!!!!
Steve"
nice. just what i needed.
i will NEVER understand what compels people to write these types of things
to people. i really don't understand it at all.
did their parents beat them or something? did they fall on their head as a
child?
i mean what? what is the process that would create a person who would do things
like this? and there are so many of them. just so many.
it's an epidemic. but why? why does this happen?
i just want to know and understand. seriously.
is it a chemical imbalance? are they missing a portion of their brain?
i wish i could put these people in some sort of lab and run test on them to
figure it out.
is there an "empathy" gene that they are lacking?
is it like tourettes?
are endorphins released when they are mean?
what is going on with this?
were they like this as a child, too? or did some trauma happen to them later
in life that twisted them?
or were they just born this way?
5:09pm
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feeling a little lost today.
jason just informed me that if i am going to go to deep purple with him and
his friends then i have to be ready to go in 20 minutes. i thought they started
at 8, but i guess it is 7. but still that is leaving 1 1/2 hours before they
start. just wasn't at all expecting this, or maybe he told me and i just don't
remember.
there is no way i can physically and emotionally get ready in 20 minutes.
i'm feeling really fragile today anyway.
i don't know if i can deal with that much people and noise all around me today...especially
in 20 minutes.
i just drank a bunch of coffee in hopes that would wake me up , but to no
avail, i am absolutely exhausted today.
all i can attribute it to is pms, because everything else is going good for
me.
maybe the thing with my dad is weighing on me. i still haven't written him.
i don't know...i feel despondent and discontent today.
i'm sad that jason is coming home now but i don't get to see him 'cause he
is leaving again in 5 minutes.
i guess it's maybe for the best i don't go. i don't know.
i just want to see and be with jason. the 2 people he is going with, one is
his boss who i don't know very well, and the other is a friend who is very
sarcastic, argumentative and high energy.
usually i could handle that but not today.
not to mention the crowds and families.
i still feel really inward, but i also feel that it would do me good to get
outside.
and now i do not know if i will make it outside if i don't have jason to give
me that extra push to get out there.
i don't know. i'm depressed.
argh. i don't want to be depressed, i want to have a nice day outside and
not feel the way i am feeling right now.
i wish i could figure out the magic thing that would get me out of this weird
depression.
i feel the absolute opposite of my horoscopes today.
4:06pm
my belly is full of fish, and now
i am going to read a little bit.
i'm glad it's the weekend :) not like *I* really have weekends, but it means
that jason will be home for a 3 day weekend and that makes me happy :) although
i think he said he might have to work some.
his job pushes him way too hard.
3:35pm
i feel a little rundown.
it's perfect weather out. i wish i was in the mood to go out in it and see
deep purple.
i'm sure i feel better once i get out there. i need to get out of the house,
it'll do me good.
i'm cooking some tilapia and listening to Aha.
and jason is on his way home.
i'm trying not to get angry or bummed over sandra day o'connors retirement
from the supreme court
(the first woman on the Supreme Court and a swing vote on abortion as well
as other contentious issues)
it doesn't look good for women's rights these days as bush and his cronies
are sllowly whittling away at birth control.
but...this is not a day for bitching or thinking about that. i just can't.
i really need to stay in a good mood for my wellbeing right now.
i'll think about that and protest about it later.
right now i have fish to fry.
and it's a beautiful day. and i'm
just going to take care of myself as i am pms girl.
3:03pm
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9:38am
this will be a day of NO analyzing
or bitching about anything.
it is all going to be light spirited.
i have moved on from the overanalytical PMSland i was in yesterday
*whew*
i just need some more sleep 1st because i had the worst sleep. nightmares, sleep paralysis, and then this morning these guys are washing the outside of my windows as they do each year on this building, but they were making quite a ruckus and swearing at my windows for some reason. i think one popped out on them and theey were trying to figure out how to get it back in. i'm not sure, it was just loud and a lot of swearing. all the dogs immediately piled onto my head on fear and i was naked, so i put on my clothes in case they can somehow see inside my blinds.
so....that will be the only bitching
for today. all the rest is going to be good, i just know it.
and tonight is deep purple a "the taste if minnesota", this fair
type extravaganza that also happens every year.
where people eat things like deep fried twinkies and watch free bands outside.
but 1st more sleep...as i have not gotten much.
ok, i actually have one more tiny
rant left in me but that will wait for another time.
not today. today is for happy things.
and even tho all nude all week ended yesterday, i will still try to be as
nude as possible anyway because i am finding the challenge of it to be a bit
invigorating.
i think the last time i tried an all nude all week it ended up being an all
nude all month.
but you might see my with clothes on here and there because i am entering pmsland now and my boobs are sore and sometimes i just feel self conscious if i am pmsing.
but i'm pretty sure there will be
another all nude all month around the 16th of july. so if you just joined,
you'll be getting that. so happy day all around for everyone.
and happy july 1st!
oh gosh darnit there are the men outside my window again, banging into my windows several stories up making quite a ruckus washing my other window and so i put clothes on again and all the dogs are piling into me as i try to type this.
i better go tend to my little pupsters who are all afraid...
+++
Horoscope for Aries (July 1 2005)
Things are looking up, but stay alert. You need to take the initiative to put things into play. Success can be yours, so don't be afraid to ask for favors.
and
Indirect support
This is an excellent time for all matters concerned with your domestic, personal
and emotional life. Relationships work out far better than on other days,
because you are imbued with a strong desire to be warm and friendly to everyone
you meet. Others can sense the sincerity of your feelings and will respond
in kind. Relations with women should be especially favorable during this time.
Sexual relationships are strongly supported by this influence, not by directly
increasing the sex drive, but by indirectly increasing the strength of love
within the relationship. The emotions are quiet, not turbulent, and this is
a good time for you and a loved one to be alone together quietly. This is
also a good time to look about for ways to beautify and decorate your home.
and
You are in the midst of quite a pleasant
dilemma, having to choose between two potentially wonderful experiences. The
problem is that you don't have enough energy to spread all the way around,
even if you think you do. Make a choice and don't waste any time wondering
about the road not taken.