june 30th, 2005
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warning...this day was about way analyzation and rants.
if you just scroll down you will see things bolded that are positive things, and there were actually a few pix , too.
just scroll past the rants (unless you want to read them)
sorry, i am pmsgirl right now.

10:39pm

it took me all this time today and bitching about this and that and analyzing this and that until i finally realized i had been blocking out the most important piece of information i received today, that i must have been blocking because i just don't know how to deal with it.
the other day my dad told me he had skin cancer on his forehead. he kind of mentioned it in a nonchalant way at the end of one of his sparse emails like "oh, btw, did i mention i have skin cancer? but it's not the really bad kind. i go in next week to get it taken off:".
and that was a bit freaky.
so today he writes that he had it taken off it was more of an ordeal than he thought it was going to be and they kept having to go in and take more off as they kept finding more and then he still has to go in and get some sort of topical chemotherapy thing and then they told him that because he got it once it is now more likely that he gets it again.

and then at the end he writes:

"Wierd weather today. Windy and rainy or misty. I'm not working very hardthis summer. When can we get together for a talk. We don't have to eat;I'd just like to sit down and chat. Can we do that at your place? Or wecould go out too, but that always seems to take some of the energy awaythat I need just to engage in conversation. Now that does sound wierd,but do you know what I mean? Maybe you could come up here."

first of all, we have NEVER gone some where we can just sit and talk.
i mean, we go places and we talk but he never specifically asks for this EVER.
and he says " I need to engage in conversation"
not saying "we" but "*I*.
so he needs to talk to me.
this is a first.
and you can tell it is a first as he says "is this weird?"
another thing my dad would never say.
so he is feeling weird.
plus, he NEVER EVER asks if he can come to my place.
he has NEVER seen my apartment here, can you believe that?
he never asks to see it or wants to see it.
why would a parent NEVER want to see where their child LIVES?
but he actively suggested that maybe we could talk at my house.
i am just....freaked at this.
just because he never asks this of me. he never NEEDS to ENGAGE in conversation with me at MY house.
THIS is totally toally new to me.
i don't know how to deal with it.
i have only finally in the past few years FINALLY learned to mask all my emotions in front of him as to not bother him or seem too needy. (funny i should hate this aspect in other people to such an extent).
it took me DECADES to learn to be the one to break away from a hug first and not show the least bit of disapointment.
to be satisfied with the "pat on the back" hug and no long goodbyes.
and damn, i am weirdly proud of myself for being able to, against everything i am, to be able to carry this off as to not make him feel burdened in any way.
this is what i needed to learn to do in order to have a relationship with my dad.
it's pure survival.
my mother was always the needy one, even tho she left him, bless her for that (truly!)
and so i have learned and watched and lived out and experienced that whole seeker and the sought thing.
i both am my dad and my mother...needy and glommy and wanting people and reaching out and the second i do...i do too much...because there is no balance...i don't know balance sometimes...
i give everything over like some sort of sacrifice, i cut my heart open and eat it....
or i know to be very businesslike and appear to give nothing and put up 500 sheilds.
the shield thing took me longer to get. but i finally got it although once in awhile i completely lose it and then all my insides come flying out like a gutted fish on fire.

but my dad needs to talk to ME.
this has never happened, that i know of.
and i can't help but feel this is "a trap"
not a trap as in really a trap...as in he is conscious or even subsconscious of this.
trap is not the right word. i don't have the vocabulary for this.
but in the way that the second i reach back to him, he will pull back.
i know this as surely as the fucking sun will set.
as long as i am the one who pulls away, i am wanted...just like practically all my boyfriends.
i reenact and draw to me this horrid fucking game of the seeker and the sought.
i fucking hate it.
so my dad needs to talk to me.
great fucking timing as this is the one and only time of my life i have NOT wanted to engage in conversation with him as i am STILL livid as all hell for him driving hours to my mom's house on MY birthday and giving HER cupcakes.
i won't reiterate the details because i have already written them in here.
so fuck.
does he need to talk to me because he finally feels me pulling away more than i ever have because he has betrayed me more than he ever has and so i am the most distant from him i ever have been ever?
or does he need to talk to me because he has skin cancer and this year he retires and so he feels lost and death seems closer to him now?
i suppose both.
but FUCK IT if i am the one to reach out when he says he needs me and then , like clockwork, he retreats and i am left standing with my heart on my sleeve feeling like a damn idiot.
he doesn't even realize he does this to me.
he has no idea.
i think i've tried to explain it to him but i don't know if he gets it.
he doesn't even believe that m mom has been mean to me.
i mean i get a freaking restraining order on her and a few days later he brings HER cupcakes on MY birthday.
he drives hours out of his way and reminisces about MY birthday with her.
i get a card and $50.
i cry to him about this and he tells me that it's only natural that he should reminisce with my mom on my birthday since i don't even remember it because i guess i was too busy being BORN.
yes, i get that.
but still.

fucking a.

so....

ya, i just don't know what to do.

i'm sick of this.

i guess he says he is the one who needs to engage in conversation.

i guess i can just be there for him to talk like he has been there for me. biting his lip, i'm sure, so many times.
and god bless him for that.
i hate him for that skill and i love him for it.
i mean, it's why i don't have a restraining order against HIM is because he knows when to just listen and not tell me i'm going to hell, even tho he is the minister. at least he is one of the only true "christians" i know.
in a way.

so ya. i guess i could try to just let him talk and that is it.
but i don't know if that is possible since i am so obviously holding deep resentment against him and i don't know if i can see him, especially with a bandage on his head from skin cancer, without bursting into tears.

i wouldn't trade my dad in for anything.
i love my dad more than anyone in the entire world.
i mean that truly and sincerely and maybe i see my dad through rose coloured glasses kind of like i see my pooka dog.
but i have TRIED to know him. he just doesn't let on much.
he's a gemini. two sided indeed.

i don't know. i try my best.
i don't know what to do.
i don't want to have some sort of emotional freak out on my dad especially when he has skin cancer and he is the one who needs to talk.

i need to learn how i can be with him and have it be about him and how he feels and not about me and how i feel.

i have to learn that skill and i need to learn it pronto.

it is a fine line to walk.

with all our history and so much i have never told you and can't tell you. it's all a fine line.

and i'm a little freaked but i'll be ok.

i just hope my dad will be ok.

but the last time i allowed myself full access to how i felt about this i became suicidal and i was hauled off in handcuffs buy 4 men who thought they were the SWAT team.
i still don't have my gun back (because i didn't write the sheriff)
and i now i owe almost 2 grand to "the city" for the helpful actions of the ambulance driving me less than 2 miles ($1,200) and the rest of that for a tint plastic bowl of rice krispies and someolne coming in every 3 hours as i lay freezing on a cold black plastic mattress and asking my blood pressure.
i haven't told my dad any of this and don't intend to as my brother is the "troubled" one in the family, and rightly so, being the adopted black child with fetal alcohol syndrome (we guess).
he takes up everyones time and energy as well as being an abusive fuck but i know now that weas just him being insanely jealous of me being the pretty white girl who really is of my mother's womb.
it's so FUCT UP.
my mom would even secretly tell me i was her favourite because she gave birth to me but never to tell him.
i can understand that.
i really can.
but FUCK.
what am i supposed to do with that information, feel SUPERIOR or GOOD because of it? no i feel like SHIT.
my poor brother. my poor fucktard asshole of a brother who grew up in a small white farm community as the only black person they ever knew.
they thought his hair was made of WOOL and they tried to, sincerely, feed him WATERMELON.
(he later finally admitted to me he likes watermelon but just pretended not to after all the watermelon was forced upon him during the lutheran "potluck" dinners". son of a lutheran minister.
and PSYCHIC as hell he is, and yes he has learning disabilities but he is SMART AS A TACK!
but after everyone telling him he is stupid and can't take care of himself and all of his abilities rendered useless (SO PSYCHIC!)
what is he to do?
entire motorcycle gangs try to run him OVER and kill him.
no WONDER he sniffed gasoline.
i would too if i were in his position.

god, in the afterlife can we all just have a good laugh about this?

this is weird. this is fuct.
i have to figure out a way to respond to him that isn't overwhelming.
or something.
i just don't know.

oh, and the other thing that has me worries is my dad sent me the original email to an email address that is not mine.
not even near mine. he sent it to my legal name plus the ISP he uses.
i don't have an email that is even remotely that.
so it scares me that he is trying to send me email to a place that does not even make sense for it to be my email.
that frightens me a little.
i've noticed he is forgeting a lot of things lately.
like really important things.
like when i fainted in the middle of church, right in the middle of his sermon, or when he had to carry mom to the car and take her to the hospital whe i was little.
and then he forgets that i tell him this and i have to tell him again.
it's a little frightening.

this is only the TIP of the iceberg.

sorry for any typos.
i can't deal with spell checking this.

and 2 people who just joined who picked "scary" usernames (you know who you are) please be nice people ok?
just be nice. just be kind. that's all.
and welcome.

10:14pm

some helpful soul emailed me to let me know they are talking about my hats on the "knitflame" yahoo group.
knowing that this email was from "secret pal" and that this group was called "knitflame" i just knew it was going to be oh, so dandy.
*sarcasm*

hilarious quote of the month about my hats:

"the thing still looks like a hungry invader from the Brain Slug Planet"

:)

5:33pm

maybe i'm being too harsh. maybe things can change with time.
it's not like HE did anything bad. he just did NOTHING which is sometimes worse than doing something.
anyway, there are mp3s of his on his website.
i forgot how much his voice sounds exactly like a cross between peter murphy and robyn hitchcock, with thick english accent (and he is NOT english).
he also does not live in minneapolis anymore, i have surmised. so he is only hear for a few days.
so it will be easy to get out of seeing him. *whew*
listening to his music is much better than seeing him anyway.
he has gotten better, musically, wich is nice to hear.
(although i have only listened to one song so far).
he's not that bad of a guy, i am just associating him with one of the most terrible times of my life ever, for which he played the part of doing nothing whatsoever do to his immaturity or something.
who the fuck knows. who the fuck cares.
but ya, he's not some evil horrible person.
but he is someone i don't want to hang out with anymore.
not like we ever "hung out" much.
it just dredged up all this old shit for me.
he's a really weird extreme person.
like when i met him he would only listen to classical music.
he told me he used to listen to rock and hen he hear some classical piece and it blew him away so much he immediately got rid of every single rock record he owned because rock could not compare or something.
it was really weird, his explanation.
but i sort of got him back to listening to rock.
it was like music-wise- he had turned into a vegan and so became deathly afraid of anything that might contain dairy in it.
but i got him over his "fear of rock".
and he showed me the sugarcubes.
that's the extent of our friendship until the horrible thing with his psycho wife from hell.
well, now i know what he is up to musically since all i had to do is download it from his site.
his music sounds exactly the same except a bit better.
but he is still writing just the one song he always writes. he just writes variations of the same song.
like a dark dirgey depressing mysterious bauhaus song with craploads of delay and reverb and then he sings torchered vocals that sound like peter murphy or robyn hitchcock, but not as good.
ok, i'm over it.

i'm going to take a quick bath and go out to eat with jason.
i could only listen to 3 of his songs before i got bummed out by them because they are so incredibly dark in a way that is not terribly interesting to me.

if i want to hear bauhaus or robyn hitchcock i'll listen to them.
not someone who wishes they were them.

i have to question a person writes the same type of song over and over and doesn't ever evolve from that.
and a song that is not even very original.
i don't know, i guess he just likes the colour dark blue and it works for him and he doesn't have a need for any other colour...at least musically. i find it odd. but i understand that maybe he just wants to explore that one colour in all it's nuances, i guess...and i can appreciate the commitment to that, in a bizarre sort of extreme way.
but it's intense and kind of boring and unnerving for me to be around a person like that.
they write dark blue music, they dress in dark blue, and everything around them emmanates dark blue and they say things like "dark blue dark blue dark blue!". and all i can add to that is "hey ya! you like dark blue! gotcha!"
this is just a weird analogy, but i can't think of a more fitting one.
part of thinks, wow, that is so intense i like it...and another part of me thinks it is almost like a trapped ghost repeating the same behaviour over and over, like a person who is a tape loop.
and it's not even really truly "them", it's just that at this one time of their life, dark blue made a huge impact on them and so then they just "taped" dark blue and mimicked it over and over again.
indeed, like a tape loop.
i don't know if i am explaining this very well.
i don't know if any of you know a person like this.
so...it's really hard to explain.

and why i am taking up my entire day thinking about this person?
i guess i was thinking about music and why i do music the way i do and now i am comparing how i do music to the way this person does music.

and why i am so verbose about this today beats me.
i guess it's just not something i want to do or be like.
i don't want to be stuck in dark blue, or any colour, although i can appreciate that kind of extreme commitment, something about it i find scary and unnerving. and i don't know why.
i guess that is why i am thinkng about this so much. why does it bug me?
i think this is one of those things i am going to just have to let go of.
i don't like southern fried rock or modern country music either.
and i don't have to analyze to death WHY i don't like it.
i don't like liver or ruttabagas either but i don't need to dissect my entire brain to figure out why.

good grief.

sometimes i can drive myself insane.

i'm off to take a bath.

oh, i know what it is. i drank too much coffee!
haha!

coffee and pms. this is why i am being this way.

pms makes me extra aggravated at things i would normally just go "eh" about. and coffee excelerated my aggravation.

god, i'm so weird.
ok, i'll shut up now because this is ridiculous :)
really really ridiculous.
off to take a bath then get food.

and then missing persons on tv at 8pm!
so yay!

okokokok, i'm OVER it.


i have switched off my analysis button for the day.

i think i'll pay some joni mitchell.

5:20pm

beauty:

http://www.livejournal.com/community/foto_decadent/502116.html

jason is on his way home.
i am feeling very inward today.

4:59pm

interesting link someone just sent me about sacred geometry:

http://www.soulinvitation.com/indexdw.html

4:20pm

maybe i shouldn't have drank all that coffee because now i just feel kind of aggravated.
i see rain off in the distance.
i love my view.
i'm sort of at a loss over what to do now.
i was feeling a momentary surge of energy, which i took advantage of by making an appointment to get my piano tuned, which is pretty major for me because i loathe the phone, and i loathe making appointmenst for most things.

i also overextended myself the other day when i got into this massively social mood because i was drinking a bit of wine, and in that moment i just loved everybody and everything. and this guy from my past emailed me and said he really wanted to show me some new music of his. and in my feelings of total goodwill i told him i would love to get together with him and listen to his new music. but now i realize i just felt that way at the time because i was in my jovial tipsy way and i wasn't thinking clearly. and now i do not want to get together with him at ALL, but how do i let him know this now?
he really is an interesting person, and i liked him a lot a long time ago. we met when we both worked at a record store together. he is a very very odd person and i never felt completely comfortable around him because he just has a very weird way about him. it's hard to explain. well the many many years later he got married to this massively bitchy woman who then fell in love with my boyfriend (the one who physicaly and emotionally abused me)..
and this woman was really weird, too. i mean i got the most NEGATIVE vibes of this woman EVER. she was mousey and ugly and looked like a bitter bitchy anal uptight sour nasty person. and she was.
and my boyfriend, cris, did not discourage her, and this was probably the only positive sexual attention she ever received in her life. and so she glommed onto my boyfriend like a needy creepy stalkerish bitch from hell.
and then she would be a bitch to ME and she was after my boyfriend! it was unreal. she completely invaded my space.
and the fact that my boyfriend encouraged her behaviour and her husband (this friend who wants to get together with me now) also did not discourage her behaviour. i think he was just happy that she wasn't focusing on HIM anymore. they didn't seem to have the greatest relationship. and so i had no one on my side. it was just twisted.
and finally she called my house asking for my boyfriend and i really screamed at her in the biggest way and totally her to fuck the hell off, and this really shocked her. i don't know what planet she was from, but she was emotionally retarded or something. maybe she was even crazy. i don't know what was her fucking deal. actually, everyone around me and in that entire thing was totally emotionally retarded.
and i was just stuck in this bizarre quadrangle from hell and i'm not even going to go into any more details than that because it gets weirder and the whole thing makes me sick.
but the fact that this friend of mine let his wife leech onto my boyfriend and do nothing says volumnes about him to me. just no one had any boundaries at all.
seriously, it creeps me out and disgusts me so much, all the weirdness that went on that i don't even want to verbalize it.
things were pretty ok between me and this friend before all that. he wasn't like a REALLY good friend. he was just a friend who was interesting and i'd see him every few months or so and he'd play me his music, which was kind of interesting.
but i guess in my wine induced happy state i thought it would be cool to see him and maybe clear the air on that whole time of our lives and maybe heal that wound.
but you know, fuck that. i really have no interest in going back and revisiting that in any way.
i'm sick to fucking death of working out shit from the past with emotionally retarded people.
i think things will be different because he is older now. and i hope he isn't with that bitch of a wife anymore.
but because i am just so cynical and bitter now and see that people don't change, i'll bet you a million dollars he hasn't changed.
and sure he was an interesting person to know.
but he wasn't THAT interesting.
and so why should i put myself through all that bullshit again and revisit any of that time of life and for what?
so i can listen to his semi interesting demos and feel mildly uncomfortable again?

do i really need to bring that kind of energy into my life again?

FUCK NO.

in fact, i totally forgot this until just now, but i remember we did email a few times in 1996 when we both first got email and he said some sort of really maniplative sulky thing to me, and i can't remember what it was.
but it was something revolving around that my emails were not as frequent for him as he wanted or something.
you know the kind of friends who need to receive X amount of emails or X amount of phone calls from you to validate your friendship? well, i do not have friends that need that kind of validation anymore.
if i am your friend you will just know it. i am about quality not quantity. i am not easily manipulated into giving needy people attention anymore. because they arenever satiated and i cannot fill that hole in them. so people like are quickly Xed out of my life.

he is a psychic vampire is what he is.
not a huge one. but just a little bit.
a little whiney sulky cry baby.
who needs it? not me.

ok ya, i remember now i remember why i did not get in touch with him anymore.
yuck.

i think i will just email him in a very polite and business type way that i changed my mind and i do not want to revisit that time of my life with him because of all that happened. i will just be very matter of fact and blunt. he will hate it and probably write me back something snarky. i don't know. i don't care.
i don't OWE him a detailed explanation of why i do not want to stay in contact with him or see him again.
why do i feel i OWE him that?
i don't. i don't owe him an explanation.
he's not my friend anymore.
i can just politely say that i've changed my mind. right?

this is something in me that is changing that i like.
the knowing i do not owe people detailed explanations for my actions or feelings. i can set up boundaries and i do not OWE anyone an explanation as to why i am setting it up if this person is not a friend anymore or never was a friend.

i haven't had any contact with this person in almost 10 years.
i not not OWE him an explanation.

it still will take me awhile to get up the guts to write him to tell him that i do not want to see him. that should be a huge red flag right there as to how much i do not like this person's energy.
i actually fear his reaction.

argh. i wish i had a secretary to write him an email instead.
why do i have to go through so much analysis and agony just to tell a person "no"?
blarg.

maybe he isn't like that anymore, but i am NOT curious enough to find out.

let me make it clear to the universe that i do not wish any energy of the type this x friend is to come my way or be in my life anymore.
i won't be falling for that trick any more.
there is nothing for me in it. it is counterproductive to my wellbeing. i do not wish for any people or situations to come into my life anymore that are psychic vampirey, yucky, sticky, sulky, needy, or emotionally retarded or twisted anymore.
i am over needing to learn from any crap like that.
i put up a clear and definite boundary to low energy of that type.
and so NO to it.. i am NOT AVAILABLE to give my energy to anything of that type anymore ever again. period and amen.

 

3:15pm

i made an appointment to have my piano tuned!
it hasn't been tuned in years and years! maybe even 7 years??
that is crazy!
i can't remember how much i paid for it.
i think it was somewhere between 2,000 and 4,000.
maybe it was 3,000? i have no idea. i wish i knew.
so i bought this piano thinking i NEEDED it to write new music. then i NEVER made new music or ever wanted to.
and then it went our of tune anyway so i couldn't even play it.
and according to feng shui, my piano is in the creativity corner of "bagua" so i am hoping that getting it tuned will help me in the area of my creativity!
well, it sure will because i will write new music!
i hope it won't drive anyone nuts when i play it. it's not very soundproof around here.
when i was in partment one, it was total concrete and it was amazingly soundproof. there was a enighbour guy who had a grand piano and one day i FAINTLY heard him playing it.
i mean i had to put a glass to the wall and listen intently to see of i was even hearing a piano, that is how soundproof it was.
here...on this floor, totally not soundproof. but the woman who is next door to me seem to never be home.
still, i will let all my neighbours know that if my piano playing bothers them, to please tell me.
and i will try and find the best times fo day to play it not to bug anyone.

another good reason to get an electric paino is i won't bug anyone soundwise, i can just play with headphones.

i wish i lived in a soundproof place because a lot of my music i will be writing requires very loud piano, distorted guitar that feeds back, and very loud singing to the point of screaming.
but then i guess a lot of my music has been that way. but on my demos i just sing reeeaallly quietly because before that i always lived with roomates and i hate when people can hear me sing. i am really shy about it.
i am not one of those people who can just sing in front of people.
the only 2 people i can sing in front of are carolyn and renee from my band the blue up? because they know that at 1st i sing it like crap and it takes me awhile to be able to craft the singing into it's final form.
singing for me is a lot like doing acobatics or a dance of some sort, and i really have to stretch and make mistakes and play around with it until i can it it to the point that the singing becomes "effortless". maybe effortless is not the right word because singing is not effortless to me. to the point where...your body just "knows" where to do.
like gymnastics routine. like how your fingers know where to go to type on a keyboard and you can do it without looking.
i could always sing in an average kind of way. i could sing in tune but nothing extraordinary about my voice.
it was my burning desire to find away to express what i felt inside with my voice that made me be able to trancend my normal ability and be able to become a very good singer.it was sheer power of will and burning desire.
i always can "feel" the way i want to sing before i can actualize it.
and it's a physical feeling. like how you can imagine what it would feel like to do a backflip without ever having done one before.
but i was never one of those people with the "gift" of singing.
like a elizabeth frazer or a billie holiday or even a mariah carey...singing seems to be effortless for them.
like they just open their mouths and it just comes out right absolutely perfectly.
i do not have even close to something like that.
singing is very very hard for me. and i have to work very hard in order to achieve the effects i desire with it.

like i cannot even tell you how hard it was to sing "blasting xtc".
i could FEEL how i wanted to sing it but i just could not get it out!
during the recording process i just broke down and sobbed in a corner.

but that was because i hadn't gone through the process of practicing that song over and over , live and stuff before i recorded it. so i had to go through all of that process in the studio.

"shine" was a song hat i had to craft over months and months of playing it live until finally it reached where it was supposed to be. and when i went inot the studio, it came out of me effortlessly like one of those gymnastics routines where you almost get a perfect score. that was the 1st time i felt like something was being channeled through my voice beyond just "me". that was an incredibly weird and cool feeling that i didn't ever have again, but i am glad i got to feel that at least once. maybe it will happen to me again. i sure hope so.

the 2 most effortless songs for me to ever sing, where i did not need much practice at all, were "spoons for seven" and "beautiful hysterical". and maybe that is one of the reasons i feel like those 2 songs are the most "me" songs i have ever written.

spoons for seven was hard to write. it is a deceptively simple sounding song.
i can't even describe the process of how i wrote it, but it was partically "divine" and partially just sweating over it like a mathematical equation. and in the end you get e=mc2. so simple the end result, but so maddening difficult to achieve it and summarize.

then beautiful hysterical just practically wrote itself. that is rare that ever happens.
usually i labour over a song for weeks, even months until i have arranged all the notes exactly as i feel they should be.

but beautiful hysterical just came out..boom, it was there.

i can't wait to write new music again.
i am really scared that nothing will come out. or worse yet, what will come out will be godawful or subpar.
i'm really scared to find out.
i dn't think it will suck, but there is always the fear that it will.
or even worse is that it will suck but i will not be able to tell that it does.
gah.
i have a stomache just thinking about it.

anyway...i just have to try.
and so...
my piano is going to be tuned on wednesday.

i've never written songs from a piano before. i am excited to try.

the only thing i have not yet decided upon on how this record will be is will i "make it" be a funky record or will i just let the songs be whatever rythym they end up being?
i can't decide.
maybe i will do both.
maybe i will make a funky version and make a nonfunky version.

by this i mean, if i was going to do it funky, i would write a basic drum track 1st, and THEN the music would be fitted around that. that si how "please god" was made. i had a little toy keyboard and i think i put it on "bosanova" beat. and then the song came from that.

i love purely organic songs like later talk talk or bark psychosis and stuff. or kate bush hounds of love.

but there is still something in me that wants to take this a funky route, maybe just because i don't feel i have mastered that and so it would be more challenging for me to do that. hmmmm.

and i do like a challenge. i like a puzzle.
i don't know...i think i will try to funky route and of it doesn't work out and i find it limiting the songs instead of adding, then i will not take that route.
but i really want to make some very dark dissonant funky songs.
i guess they all don't need to be funky.
actually maybe i will just make 3 of them funky.
it's probably just a craving i am have. like you need chocolate and if you don't satisfy that need you will want it everyday. i think i just have a few dark funky songs that need to get out and then i will feel satiated.
i just have no idea.

wow, it's almost 4pm now.
should i walk or should i not?

this is all hard because i want to also work on my crochet, a book about crochet, and a book about anacam.
and i want to sew all the thins i see in my head.
i am pulled into so many directions!

the world needs my book about crochet. now know after i see there is nothing out there like what i could make. no one is addressing the issues that need to be addressed. and crochet and all that is so weirdly "hip" right now i feel like i should strike while the iron is hot. but i hate thinking in that way. i jus like to make things when i make the and i don't like this whole "timing" thing.
that always really aggravated me about major labels, how they needs to "time" your record. and as an artist who needs my stuff to be put out when i WANT it out, and not a second later and not a second too soon..the idea of artificially timing something bugs me. it's like trying to have a baby at a certain time and a certain day at a certain place.
it feels like something's should come when it's naturally time.

like if a baby is "late" they induce the pregnancy.
now i know NOTHING about why a baby would be late, and i have no idea why if it's late that is bad. but i guess it must be bad or they wouldn't induce labour.

still, i just wonder.
i think things are supposed to happen at the time they just happen for a reason.

and if my album does not coincide with the holiday season, or it comes out on a day that some bigger bands record comes out, then so be it.

and if my crochet book doen't come out at the pinnacle of when crochet is "hot" and "hip" right now, then again, so be it.

i don't want to be like debbie stoller who is just putting out a book on crochet because she knows it's "hip" right now and she wants to make a buck.

she even said it was "blasphemous" for her to write a book on crochet (she is a knitter..and is one of the knitters who have something against crochet for some reason) and in an interview the other ay she said crochet was not as limitless as knitting. i don't know what she's smoking but she obviously knows nothing about crochet...crochet is one of the most limitless things i have come across.

anyway, my book would not be like hers. because i actually LOVE crochet with all my heart and soul, and that will show.

whereas hers is just going to be another book on crochet that has no love in it.

and i think that is sad.

sorry to be so bitchy about that but it bugs me that someone would put out a book just to make a buck and not do it because they LOVE it.
but hey, i guess she just wants to pay the bills, too. and i can't blame her for that. i really can't.

 

2:50pm

i'm going to drink a lot of coffee and then i am going to jump up and down on the bed to elastica or the white stripes or something :)
jason is too tired to go for a walk today. maybe i will go alone.
last night the lightning was crazy. it was lightning every 1 second or more. sometimes sheet lightning and sometimes huge spikes that reached all the way horizontally across the sky.
it was so cool :)
all the dogs were afraid and they all squished into my head tightly.
just a few miles south me they were getting 2" hail and winds at 100mph!
in the cities we didn't get tho. just lots of thunder and lightning and rain.
it was a good finale to my productive day.

1:54pm

missing persons is going to be on "hit me baby one more time" tomight!
i'm psyched! i love them!

12:57pm

cool link of the day thanks to bayarts:

http://www.artsadmin.co.uk/artists/ah/photosynthesistext.html#Living%20Skins

they made photographs on grass! i can't explain it, just go to the link! :)

it's finally not massively hot outside, storming or hailing, so it looks like today will be one of the 1st days i go for a walk in quite awhile! yay! right now it's only 74 degrees. that is such a nice temperature! way better than 90!

it's hard to believe that this is the last day of june and that it will be 4th of juk in a matter of days!

it was so wonderful to wake up to a clean house today!

now that i have the piano uncovered from all the stuff that was on it, i want to get it tuned.
i wish i knew of a reputable piano tuner.

and after i get it tuned, perhaps i will sell it, even tho i want to make music with it, i really hate that pianos go out of tune. i think i'd rather have an electric piano. it hadn't occurred to me when i bought the thing that it would need to be tuned all the time. i don't know what i was thinking.
and i need the $ and it would be nice to put a desk where that piano is now so i can stop squatting on the floor to type at my computer.

but i think i willl make some music with it, first, before i sell it.

i had really weird dreams that i can't explain, the weirdness of them lingers with me but they are too abstract to put into words.

today is the last day of all nude all week.
i think i may then put on clothing for awhile because i really miss clothing, and then i may have another one very soon.
because i a definitely liking being able to pay my bills.
so maybe i'll put clotjhing on for the weekend and then start another one on monday.
this is something i am considering.

or maybe i will have another one arond the 16th of july, when my period is done. because right now i am entering PMSland.
and i should get my period around the 10th and then be done with it by the 16th, and so then i think i will have another one starting around the 16th.

and then i have the big 2 hour cam show on july 28th for the australian festival, teknikunst!

 

+++

Horoscope for Aries (June 30 2005)

Don't take sides or try to put the blame on someone else today. Protect your own interests; anger will lead to more trouble. Don't let work-related problems affect your personal life.

and

Eager for input
Today, you are more in touch with your feelings than usual, and you show greater emotional sensitivity in your interactions with others. It may be good to talk about your feelings with someone today. This feeling quality makes you a good listener. You are eager for input, and you would much rather listen to others than have to take the initiative yourself to start a conversation or make the connection that brings you together. When others talk to you, they will perceive your interest, sympathy and concern. They will realize that you aren't playing ego games with them.

and

You may want to stay at home today, whether it's about being alone or getting some quality time with your family, but it's not going to be easy to get what you want. A problem can arise from a casual conversation about your goals that touches off a misunderstanding and some hurt feelings. If so, don't worry, for it won't be the primary focus of the day unless you make it so.