june 24th, 2005
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10:17pm

gah! mosquito in my room and i'm naked! scree!
thank goodness i had some insect repelleant and put it on.
arrrgh. i HATE mosquitoes!!!
*shivers*

9:23pm

i didn't get any cleaning done, but yessiree i worked hard on other things!
i'm proud of myself for turning my situation around.
jason is lending me his silver bubble panels he got from ikea (well actually from ebay, and i showed them t him)
he bought a ton. they are really cool but he never put them all up in his house so now he is letting me put them up over my bed! those xmas lights are all kind of burning out so those need to go.
i think the silver bubble panel things will look groovilicous above my bed :)
but i need jason to help me put them up i think...but i'm not sure.
i think i might be able to figure it out myself.
but he had to have his dad help him to put up his so...
i guess to make sure they get hung straight?
the sunset was really pretty, it looked like a maxfield parish painting.

i am still hyper as hell because of my nerves.
but people keep subscribing so this is really wonderful!
and it's the weekend and that is a slow time for my cam because most people check my cam at work.

i'm going to try and calm down now.
if that is possible.
i'm sort of having watching the show "numbers"
that show never really got as good as i wanted it to be.
the dialogue is awful.
great premise, tho.

i managed to finally eat a small tv dinner today.
and that made me feel more grounded.

8:36pm

 

7:30pm

17 new members today! THANK YOU NEW MEMBERS!
that pays for almost 1 month of my server bill! yippee!
we're gonna keep this puppy up and running!

i got cam2 in the bathroom now so i'm going to take a quick bath.
i'll probaly go in there later tonight and clean it all, i hope.
if not today then tomorrow.
i'm just going to keep going and going!
i actually feel good about this now.
i feel i've really done some mental gymnastics and really switched over to a more self empowering energy.
i don't feel resentful, i feel inspired.
i hadn't expected that. i am happy.
and i feel THANKFUL!

this will be good and get me into some more creativity that involves my body and not just my mind.
and i need to pay more attention to my body, so what better way to pay attention to it than this?
(understatement of the year)

i hope this week to dance for you (and me) and do interestiing body paint, take many luxurious bathes, fill my mind with soul expanding literature, and crochet many spendid things.

and this will get me " in shape" for my 2 hour cam performance i am doing on july 28th for the tecknikunst multimedia event in australia!

i guess this is the kick in the butt i needed and probably why i created this reality for myself to force myself back into some powerful energy i had been disconnected from.

instead of just imploding and becoming small and shutting down, i flipped the switch and went into the opposite polarity of positive energy serge!

i feel really good about this and i think this is going to be a very productive week.

thank you so much for supporting my vision (ass) or whatever it is you are here for...i hope you find it.
i hope you are entertained and i hope you are pleasantly surprised.

i can't be "on" 24/7, as in "entertaining 24/7, but i will try my best to make this be a very good week for all of us!

thank you for being here. i REALLY appreciate it!

6:13pm

wow, just reread my horoscope at the bottom of this page.
how totally spot on all 3 are!

5:59pm

the hilariousness of being the master of my dominion and queen of my universe with a toilet that does not work does not allude me :)
it seems that my TOILET is functioning fine. it's that it's filling up with water SO slow that it takes hours and hours to fill!
that is not a good sign, is it?
does that mean they are going to have to rip out my toilet to get to the plumbing?
anyone know?

i am trying to mentally prepare myself for having my entire bathroom ripped apart my large men i do now know.

if my physical reality is a manifestation of my inner psyche. this is interesting.

if ripping part my entire bathroom to get all the plumbing back to working in there is what needs to be done. then i am all for it.
just want everything in fine working order!
i deserve and shall settle for no less!

EVERYTHING in my universe shall be flowing FREE!
i am unclogging every freaking avenue.
every last artery. every last capillary will be extricated with pure light and love. i'm detailing my mothership.

i am so focused upon this that lasers should be shooting out of my eyes right about now.

 

5:31pm

i have clicked into the zone.
i am no longer where i was when i woke up.
i have shifted realities. made a quantum leap!
i have flicked on the lightswitch!
i have changed the channel!

zippity zap!

i am the queen of my world.
the master of my dominion.

and i gotta pee..so i gotta run over to jason's to use the toilet...i'll be right back :)

haha :)

 

4:49pm

i am pure energy!
i am triple fire! i AM infinite abundance!
i create worlds out of thin air!

hello 2 more new members!
inside here we create our own reality!

prepare yourselves for inward bonfires.

oh and here it comes, all the sad and jealous...

(from the poor man who is bitter i didn't send him photos of my feet for FREE):

"how lame are you..you whore yourself out, to pay the
rent..but you say your not a 'starving artist
type'..and to think all i asked for was a quick shot
of your feet on the free cam for my $15...i needed a
good laugh..im glad i didnt remove the bookmark to
your journal before..."

no, i laugh at YOU, tiny little entity bleeting. still subscribed to my mailing list under another email so cannot find you to ban you again.
you are the one who is starving.
uninviting yourself from the fabulous party. what a tragic mistake.
no toasted marshmallows nor pretty feet for you from my corner of the universe.
pity for you.

 

4:28pm

hello two new members!
thank you for joining!

*shakes my bootie 2 music by prince and drinks my cola*

:)

i am fierce. i am fearless.
i'm gonna shake my bootie all week long!

4:14pm

gonna go try and hook up that cam2.
then i can clean the bathroom in the nude!
oh joy! :)

haha :)

my life is weird i tell you. WEIRD!

3:48pm

i need to get cam2 working again and put it in the bathroom.
i will take baths on cam this week!

 

3:14pm

i may as well just start all naked all week right now.
what is the point of even waiting?
there is no point.
so....in order to get a move on, it will start NOW.

so...in celebration of the summer solstice (but more like hey, man, i need to pay the rent! ha!)

let me announce it is now:

ALL NAKED ALL WEEK!

so there you have it!

 

2:29pm

wow. people unsubbing because they are low on funds. people's credit cards are being declined.
credit cards expiring. anacam down to 85 in recurring billing! an all time low!
if i don't pay taxes, i have enough to pay rent and my server, and that is IT.
nothing left for food, electric, or phone.
so ya, this is scary.

i'm trying to stay calm but i can feel my heart crunching in on itself in panic.
i feel kind of like a deer in headlights.
but i can't freeze up. that is not an option.
i have to stay clear and focused.
i need the hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy book with it's friendly "don't panic" in big letters on the front cover.
i need my towel.

i think i just need to suck it up and do an all naked all week.
and i can't see it as beneath me, i just have to see it as necessary.
i mean, it could be worse.
it could be tha no one would want to see me naked (which i am actually afraid to find out because what if i announce it and no one subscribes? ha! no wouldn't THAT be a drag.)
but no, fuck it, i can still pull it off, i can.
i can break out the sexy boots.
it's summer now. it's hot in my house anyway.
*my stomache squishes in on itself*

i can just sit on my bed nude and crochet and read.
those are things i like to do anyway, so what is the big deal, right?

*sigh*
it's better than working at starbucks.
good grief.
if i create my own reality why i am creating this?

really? why?
i just don't know , but here it is, and i can't exactly pretend that it isn't what it is.
i just have to suck it up and get on with it.
and i still have things to sell and make.
but those things are not ready yet.
and i'm not selling my musical instruments.
i'm just NOT.
so...
ya...

*blinks*

well, first i have to clean my house.
and get my toilet fixed.
i guess i could clean the house nude but i would rather not.
i would rather have my house be clean and organized so my mind is more organized and then i can lay on my bed and read my books on creating abundance and learning more about feng shui.
and i will work on those tube scarves more to sell.

wow, this is a really intense time of my life.
just fucking intense.
this is about massive crating reality, getting my mind together, everything together.
everything.
something...
i can't even know.
i just know i have to focus now.

and i need to work on that hat for that book.
that's a whole different conversation.
but it just seems that EVERYTHING needs my IMMEDIATE attention right now.
fires are burning everywhere and i don't know which one to put out first!

but i can deal with this.
i can.
if i can deal with my mother, i can deal with anything.
ya, if you can get a restraining order on your own mother, you pretty much you can do anything.
that's what i got out of that so far.
so i can do this.
i can do it.
it'll be alright.
this is not bad.
this could be fun.
i'll make it fun.

it's summer. i'll just read and ge my crocheting done, be nude wearing sexy boots, and have a nice summer where i get to read and crochet and get shit done and get my stuff in order and do my taxes and create a ton.
a i can create in the nude if that is what i have to do.
what is so bad about that?
there is nothing really so bad about that.
i am just feeling self conscious.
but in ten years i will just laugh about this.
because it is so not a big deal.
so i am not in the greatest shape of my life, but i'm nothing to sneeze at either.
i'm mighty fine, if i do say so myself.
i'm not perfect but who is?

and what's the worst that could happen?
the worst tha could happen is that i have an all naked all week and no one signs up and the 5 that do laugh at me and tell me i am ugly and then post that all over the internet.
and that has already happened to me before, so it's not like i can't survive something as stupid as that.

this isn't birth or death or world war 3.
this isn't having to get a restraining order on my mother.
this isn't being homeless or being raped or assaulted or starving.
this isn't even being too cold or too hot.
it's just...it is what it is.
and what is it is not really much.
i'm building it up in my mind more than it needs to be.
i'm nervous.
i get this way when i am nervous.
i can't help it. it's just the way i was built.

i am proud of myself for staying 99% self sufficient.
even tho my astrology says i should stop having to prove my courage by going head first into danger and i should learn to rely on others more.

but i don't have anyone to rely on.
no one is going to pay my bills for me.
i can't ask my dad for money 2 months in a row.
that is out of the question.
jason could lend me money but i have to pay it back, and i don't think i can pay it back if i did that.
so, that is not an option either.

ok. i am a little freaked.
i feel stupid for even complaining.
other people go through far worse.
it's not like i am watching my friends die in front of my eyes and all that like my other friend has gone through.
i have all my limbs, i have all my bodily functions, i am perfectly healthy,
i'm smart, capable, resourceful, inventive, reslient, tenacious, strong...

i'm not in any immediate danger of physical threat (although it feels like i am)

i have a boyfriend who loves me and 3 fluffy dogs who love me.

i can read, write, analyze, i live in america.
i'm white, i'm pretty, and this gives me a certain priviledge, weirdly.

i have a network of friends who support my vision.

all i have to do is.

1. clean my fucking house today and get my toilet fixed and then
2. be nude while i work to create things to sell

it's not that hard.
i can do it.

ok. so i'm off to clean because i have to work off all this nervous energy and i have to work on getting myself into the right frame of my mind for everything that needs to be done.

 

1:45pm

today is a day of cleaning.
i weighed myself today and i weigh 104. that is just so weird because i do not feel any skinnier.
nor do i feel i look skinnier. but measurements confirm my thigh is almost 1/2 an inch thinner than a few months ago.
(20 1/2 inches around)
i think it must be my nervousness that is making me skinny.
when i used to be REALLY skinny and people would ask me how i stayed so skinny, i would just say "be nervous all the time".

ok, i better stop typing today and just clean and that is it.
it's almost 2pm and i am going to clean nonstop until 5pm at LEAST.

*cranks the new wave*

 

1:54am

i like the 2nd horoscope best as that is EXACTLY how i feel right now and need to do.

Horoscope for Aries (June 24 2005)

New acquaintances will inspire you to follow through with an idea you have. You will be able to capture attention if you are quick, precise and colorful in your presentation. A business or personal partnership looks promising.

and

Serious thinking
This is a day for serious thinking and important concerns. You feel you must deal with practical matters and keep your mind at work. You are not inclined to play at games or trivial amusements, not because you are depressed, only serious. Your mind works quite well under this influence, and you will be able to keep at a task until you have solved all its problems. You are also able to concentrate on mental work that requires great attention to detail. Your eye is sharp for the little pieces that make up the whole, and you are as concerned about them as you are about the whole structure. As a result, the work you do today will be done very carefully and thoroughly. This is a good time to organize yourself and your environment, especially if the organization has to be detailed and involved.

and

You may temporarily lose confidence today, for you are unable to apply your energy directly toward your goals. There is a subtle but surely noticeable gap between your intentions and your actions. It feels as if you are in a duel, where just one moment's hesitation can cost you dearly. Your perspective is somewhat distorted now, so try not to feed your uncertainty by emphasizing your insecurities.