| june
23rd, 2005 |
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time to let go of the nuttiness of
this day and listen to coast
to coast am.
what would i do without that radio show?i think it might storm tonight but
outside my window right now i see a very large yellow almost full moon. it
looks totally clear outside but i hear the wind picking up.
11:59pm
just as i was getting in a good mood...one
of the dogs peed on the bed (and on the white parachute on my bed that i JUST
washed!) and my toilet completely broke.
unreal.
*streaming expletives from a silent place deep inside*
ok. fine.
well. things could be worse.
put my sheets in the laundry. i'll have to go to jason's to use the toilet,
and i will definitely have to clean all day tomorrow so that i feel comfortable
enough having big messy repair men come and make a mess of everything again.
please god let it not be the "kung fu feng shui master" repairman
because last time he screwed up my bathroom more than he fixed it.
i have a lot for them to fix. my
leaking washing machine, my broken toilet, the light under the microwave burned
out,
the flourescent light in the kitchen burned out, and maybe they can snake
my tub because it sure drains slowly. and maybe they can oil some of my windows
so i can get more than one open.
also i need some paint to redo my walls and i need to get my carpets cleaned.
but that will be later on down the line.
tomorrow will be about getting the kitchen and bathroom BASICALLY clean and clear of everything so they can work.
what a pisser to have to go to jason's to use the toilet until it's fixed. (pun intended.)
i'm glad this happened now when i am more calm because if this had happened this afternoon i would have completely broken to pieces.
i also received the weirdest email from this girl who has internet stalked me since the beginning of anacam. i've banned her from everything i can think of but i still get emails and snail mails from her throughout the years about her telepathic connection she has with all of the red hot chili peppers and now she has a variety of "fbi poltergeists" after her, she says.
it's actually a 4 page long diatribe
on the inner workings of...well, it's hard to describe. and i have no doubt
that some of what she says is maybe even true. she is highly intelligent,
aware, and analyzing, as most schizophrenics are.
if i had to say which mental "disorder" i find the most fascinating
it would be schizophrenia.
i really do think that what many schizophrenics say is perhaps 1/2 accurate.
i think the cause of their confusion/enlightenment is that they are caught
inbetween worlds and so are able to hear voices from other dimensions, but
sadly most of these voices are just really low energy "life forms"
of some sort who just like to fuck with people. like the kind you get if you
play around with the ouiji board.
and these people are inbetween dimensions
and are perceiving this world while at the same time trying to translate another,
but it all tranlates into "dreamspeak" when they try to describe
their experiences here and so sometimes it just seem like nonsense.
but weirdly, a lot of it makes sense to me, i just know that they are receiving
only 1/2 of the information, like receiving 1/2 sentences, and so aren't able
to put together all the information in a cohesive way so that it is of much
use to anyone or even themselves, so often.
but i find a big correlation between things "channelers" say and "people who hear voices in their heads". their is a fine line between being able to use this "being in between worlds" thing to your advantage or just being driven "crazy" by it.
of course it doesn't help that most
people don't believe you can speak to the dead or that their are aliens or
other dimensions, too.
and so there doesn't seem to be much help for these people to deal with their
experiences and even be able to start to learn skills to be able to discern
the information they are receiving or what not.
it seems that people want to say "everything this person is saying is
absolutely fictitious and they are insane" or "this person is a
great prophet" and there seems to be no inbetween.
i wish i had the skills to help people
be able to harness this blessing/curse to their advantage and be able to control
it and not let it control them.
i wonder how many schizophrenics
have been able to learn to "dial out" of certain frequencies and
ever use their heads like a radio that they can tune into certain things and
then turn it off when they want?
or if they "raised their vibrations" at least could they tune out
the lower frequency entities that seem to just want to harm them or fuck with
their heads?
i'm sure if they could, the would. that would seem like the 1st thing to try.
but it would be hard to even concentrate, i suppose.
anyway, even tho i find what this woman says as interesting, i really don't want her contacting me because this person doesn't understand boundaries. i mean why WOULD you understand boundaries if there were poltergeists, the fbi, and a ton of dead people and some aliens all in your head talking to you at once whenever they wanted and various "energies" were coming into your body and taking over whenever they wanted? boundaries to a person going through that would be a foreign concept, perhaps.
anyway who am i to say what is truth?
heck if i know. i do know the world works in mysterious ways.
all i can say is that i like to have MY boundaries respected and i deserve
to have them respected. and that is one of my biggests truths, for me. i'm
glad i don't talk to dead peole, aliens, or any other type of thing like that.
i have enough problems deal with in the physical world without having to have
disembodied "spirits" of things all vying for my attention, too.
and i have a toilet to fix.
(and jd, i know you know what that is like and please i hope
you don't take offense that i am talking about this, none of this is aimed
at you or is about you. your emails are welcome except it's not so fun for
me when you think we are having arguments that we aren't having :) so please
i hope you don't take any of this the wrong way, none of this is about you,
ok? i just thought i'd throw this sentence in here for you so you know i am
being clear with you that your emails to me are fine and i like them so that
you don't think we are having an argument. i didn't want you to read this
and then stew about it for days thinking this might be some sort of hint to
you for you to stop emailing me, it's not! k? hope you know that! please try
your best not to read into any of this or analyze it! :).
11:36pm
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10:14pm
i liked the movie. it was totally
over the top and entertaining.
and nice to see an action film where a man and woman are equals.
angelina jolie it's so perfectly gorgeous that it's crazy.
it was good to get out of my house and stop obsessing.
i hope tomorrow can be a more productive day for me.
i really need just a really good physical productive day or string of days.
weeks even.
that would be nice. i want to get to work. get the ball rolling.
stop freaking out and just get down to business.
6:18pm
ok. calming down. yay for xanax.
and yay for hugs from jason and he brought me a coke.
we are going to go see a movie "mr. and mrs. smith"
he agrees that one of the reasons i am having such a hard time moving is because
it's really hot in my apartment.
i just need to get the heck out of here for awhile so i can come back to this
place with some sort of renewed "something". today is just hard
and humid, like a drowning boiling rat.
it's time to go to a cold movie theater and watch beautiful people blow each
other up.
i'll be ok. just one of my meltdown moments.
thanks for sticking by me in my bad
days.
5:41pm
argh. i am trying so hard to get
motivated or get in a positive mood and when i try all it does it frustrate
me more and make me want to cry.
i took a bath but i don't want to go to the little store to get a pop because
i feel too ugly and i have nothing summery that looks good on me anymore.
i feel gross. entirely horrid. i hate summer. i hate it more than winter.
i have my air conditioning on full blast and it still is hot in here.
when i am too hot i cannot move. i just want to cry.
i feel overwhelmed with everything i need to get done. i feel totally fuct
in this moment.
i'm just typing to do something with my nervous energy.
i want to clean but i am completely overwhelmed at where to even begin.
i don't knwo what to do. and even if i cleaned one small corner it would hardly
even make a dent.
i hate this fucking beige rug. what a horrible stupid colour for a rug. it
shows off every spot of dirt there is.
it's impossible to keep clean. i am so overwhelmed by my fucking rug.
and i am overwhelmeed at everything i need to move in order to vacuum
everything seems so heavy to me today. i have no strength to battle it or
rise above it.
the horrible carpet is sinking into hell and taking me with it.
i feel trapped and claustrophobic.
outside is an oven so i cannot escape to there.
all my clothes need ironing. who can iron on a hot day like this?
i don't even have an ironing board.
god i wish the gods of feng shui
would come down and give me mercy.
give me grace, grant me a clean prosperity corner.
give me clean white sheets.
i can be so happy and hopeful one minute and just want to die the next.
what is the matter with me?
the world is insane. the entire world is off balance.
how do you stay sane in a crazy world?
i can't breathe.
i took a xanax, i hope it helps.
i have terrible anxiety and it's making me depressed.
at least i am clean. i ate strawberries
and drank lots of water and took vitamins.
i'm trying to do everything good to get out of this state. i am listening
to calming music.
i am trying to take things one step at a time.
that is all i can do. that is all i can do.
i guess i will just take the lint
brush and start lint brushing my floor.
if i use the vacuum i will just have to keep stopping it and take the fur
off the roller by hand every 5 minutes.
my dogs shed so much. it's insane.
i love them so much. but god does their fur overwhelm me.
i need a wood floor.
beige carpet and 3 dogs does not go well with this household.
it does not work at all. and it is the constant thorn in my side.
i should just rip it all up like i did in the other apartment.
but it's not cement floors underneath like the other place. it's nasty unfinished
wood floors and that would suck.
i hate living in a place that i cannot make how i want.
i wish i just owned this place to i could gut it.
stupid ass carpeting.
4:53pm
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listening to cocteau twins.
verrrry slowlllly cleaning....
eating some strawberries. then take a quick bath then more cleaning.
4:26pm
3:47pm
new word i made up just now that i like:
sparklemess
listening to yello ---you gotta say yes to another excess
oh that rhymes, too :)
and what an appropriate title for my day.
3:02pm
i am on edge today.
i think i am on information overload. what was a good influx of info has turned
into a binge session and now my arteries are clogged and i feel lethargic,
overloaded and nervous.
i think today i will really try and clean my house as much as i can to get the energy moving in here so i can get the energy moving back in me and my life. i feel waterlogged with information.
and it's stifling hot here. going
to get up to 97 today.
and i miss going for my walks but it's just too damn hot for me.
but i really need to move and walk!
i feel completely gross.
i need my house to be clean and for me to be clean.
nothing can happen until my house
and i are clean.
so better get a move on.
all my yucky dreams are stuck in
my head.
i was going out again with the x boyfriend from california who threatened
to kill me.
and missing this bus i had to be on.
and i had a suitcase full of fake plastic meat and poop!
i said "well that's what you get when you go to new orleans!"
i really do hate new orleans. long story.
and i was working in some fashion store and it was really stressful.
i can't remember details but it all just really sucked.
this is not a good sign as to my mental state.
and i'm rrrreeeeaaalllly stressed about money.
i am going to channel my nervous
energy into cleaning.
i am going to will what i want and need into being.
2:52pm
new musique
a clip of goldfrapp's new video for their new song "ooh la la" is
on their site now:
it's total marc bolan bowie glam,
clear lucite, 20's and silver platform boots!
ooh la la to be sure!
click on "supernature" at the flash menu. you have to scroll the
mouse around to find it.
+++
and queen adreena have a new cd out called "the butcher and the butterfly"
yay :)
+++
i also discovered a band called Pram that i like :)
+++
Horoscope for Aries (June 23 2005)
Don't expect to get anything for nothing. The odds are against you today, so don't gamble in any aspect of your life. Take a serious approach and be diplomatic.
and
An ambiguous day
For most people this is a good influence, a time when you will feel like being
with another person and expressing your love. For lovers this can be quite
an amorous time. You will have a strong feeling that by yourself you are not
quite complete and that you need someone else to make you whole. This feeling
is not born out of personal insecurity; it is a real need and desire to give
and receive love. However, for some persons at some times, this influence
can have a negative effect, almost the reverse of the above. It can make you
overly self-involved, so wrapped up in yourself that you do not relate very
successfully to others. Or you may demand more love than you are willing to
give. But for this to occur there must be a predisposition to it in your nature.
and
You are keeping your innermost feelings to yourself, for you may believe that they will be used against you if you share them with others. These fears are based upon vulnerabilities that you consider a sign of weakness. Instead of exposing the specifics of your emotions, at least let someone know that you are afraid. This will be seen as a sign of strength and can tilt the situation your way.
+++
extended forecast today, i always forget that on thursdays on astro.com they give you the free extended forecast for the day:
Sobriety and stability
You are satisfied with reliable, stable relationships at this time and do
not make unrealistic demands on others. You recognize that your loved ones
are human, and you ask only that they live up to their obligations and you
will do the same in return. This is a good time to discuss any problems that
may have arisen with a relationship, because your sense of reality is strong
and you can be objective. Relationships that begin under this influence are
characterized by sobriety and stability. They may not be demonstrative, but
there is a steadiness of feeling that enables them to survive when others
fail. Often such a relationship occurs because of practical rather than romantic
considerations, but this does not weaken it.
Changing moods
Weak, transient effect: Today during the day you experience rapidly changing
moods, which may interfere with clear perception of your goals, especially
if your goals have been set without much regard for your personal needs. If
your goals are purely professional or make excessive demands on your personal
and domestic life, this time will be somewhat disruptive. You may feel dissatisfied
with your progress, or you may feel that no matter how much you accomplish,
there is always something lacking. This influence sometimes signifies tensions
in your domestic life. If you have handled this matter well, you should encounter
the more positive side of this influence and be able to go about your business
with a remarkable sense of wholeness. You will feel that your activities are
satisfying, both professionally and personally.
Take the time
Weak, transient effect: Tonight you will meet some sort of challenge to the
structure of your daily life, that is, your home life, intimate relations,
routine daily contacts and so forth. All of us have hidden tensions that cause
us to operate in ways that we do not understand. The effect of this influence
is to bring these tensions to the surface. Thus you may feel ill at ease within
yourself and have a bit more difficulty in getting along with others, particularly
with men. Now several small areas of your life may simultaneously reach a
crisis that forces you to pay more attention to what is happening. This is
especially likely to happen with situations or persons that you have been
taking for granted. You should take the time to correct little problems as
they arise and give them the attention that they require.
Selflessness
Weak, transient effect: This influence makes you very sensitive to other people's
moods, and if you are at all psychic you will be more sensitive in this regard
as well. But with this sensitivity, you have to be careful about the people
you are with. On the other hand, it is good to be with friends whom you are
devoted to. This quality of time can signify selflessness and genuinely caring
for others without regard for your own needs, and this is not done in a martyred
spirit. You feel great sympathy and compassion for those who are in need,
and are willing to help either personally or through working with a charitable
group. This influence may also arouse your daydreaming tendencies. This morning
you may wish to be by yourself and retire into your own private inner world,
or you may wish to talk about your daydreams with friends.
Small embarrassments
During this time your feelings make themselves more noticeable than usual
- even small embarrassments become extremely uncomfortable. Therefore, if
you should make any mistake today, you should not immediately accuse yourself
for it, as it is probably not as serious as it seems. This sensitivity, though,
also gives you a good feel for the weaknesses and sensibilities of others,
so that you can be very tactful and accommodating about them. In this way
you encourage others to be open and also admit to their sore points. Your
capacity for understanding and your readiness to take due account of personal
traits, offers others - for example children - enough security to trust you.
Thrifty and careful
Weak, transient effect: Today during the day you may feel like being alone
with your thoughts and feelings. Your mood is not usually bad or depressed,
you simply desire to be calm and reflective. But you are probably not in the
mood for frivolity. You prefer the company of serious people, if any, and
you want the conversation to be about important topics. Under this influence
you may feel the need to consult someone whose higher vantage point you respect.
You are able to balance your emotional needs with your sense of duty and obligation.
While you are aware of your feelings, you do not let them overwhelm you. In
all proceedings you are thrifty and careful. You are also very careful and
thorough in your approach to any kind of work now. It is not likely that you
will have to do any task over, nor will anyone else have to clean up after
you.
Letting off steam
Weak, transient effect: Tonight there is a real danger of needless disputes,
irritability, emotionalism, rash action and hastiness, which may result in
harm or inconvenience later. You will find it difficult to handle other people
for awhile. One of the challenges now is to successfully let off steam without
making an unnecessary shambles. If you frequently feel somewhat discouraged
about yourself, you should be especially careful with this influence. You
may see everything that comes your way as a threat and react much too defensively.
If you have a bolder and more self-confident temperament, you may be inclined
to act too quickly, to be hasty and overcritical of others. Or you may be
accident prone. With this influence, you are not as careful as you should
be, and you might hurt yourself.
Tempo increase
Weak, transient effect: Tonight this influence is likely to increase the tempo
of your social intercourse for a few hours. You find it relatively easy to
verbalize your feelings. If you have a problem or situation that you cannot
handle, this is a good time to take it to a sympathetic friend. Getting another
viewpoint will help you. And, of course, you may do the same for someone else.
Often this time is filled with news from friends or with letters and phone
calls. Actually you are attracting communication from every conceivable corner
of your life. This is a good time to write letters to the people you feel
strongly about. But some people under this influence become so passive that
it is difficult to take such an initiative. Their tendency is to allow others
to take the initiative.