june 20th , 2005
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spam poetry:

vakliant 0f my heart. Mia's v0iklie. She asked me f0r suklih a fav0r 0nklie, but h0w inn0kliently, n0t s0 pr0fessi0nally like her. Mia asked it f0r the kli0mf0rt 0f her s0ul and she……. Sh0uld I saklirifiklie Mia's sinklierity 0ver Tina's 0utwardly attrakliti0n? Sh0uld I f0rget all th0se innumerable m0ments spent with Mia f0r the sake 0f temp0rary pleasure? Sh0uld I betray Mia's blind f0lded trust f0r a selfish wish 0f mine? N0. Never. I am running t0wards my h0me. 0n a dist0rted r0ad, my feet are getting shaky but n0t my heart. I have n0thing

+++

ok i don't think anything i wrote had any clarity to it.
tired. brain going too fast. everything comes out fragmented.

crawling into bed now.

+++

ffffffuck.
back from the show.
mostly fun!
a wheeling and dealing man who sold his soul giving us free food...more stories on the free food...surreal...a woman giving me free asti cheap champagne saying their straw would not fuck up my lipstick...there is too much detail...but also...no words....plus he had a daughter but was trying to pick up another another girl the same age as his daughter maybe...perhaps..with mini corn dogs.
seeing my friend fuzzy and us talking about the most unexplained "interpretative" dance by an aquaintance of ours to the dub band that opened.
wow. that was the highlight of the evening, for me. i didn't know he had it in him! i must interview hm over coffee somday.

i didn't get to even pay attention to the meat beat show as the salesman animator guy was "networking" with jason and i all night.
he was harmless and nice btu...i would have rather he not have been there.
more stories on that.

how do i explain tonight?

i can't.

this is why i never go out. and while i know i shouldn't i continue to still do it.

conflicting yet again.

wtf was that about?

i like to stay home.
the world is crazy but i am fascinated.

a guy at the table next to us... i got a sad weird lonely vibe from all night but blew it off because what can i do?
before i was even HOME he had written me an email and knew who i was and who jason was.
and we hadn't even made eye contact with him.
but he knew who i was and emailed me!

i KNEW i had a weird vibe on him.

just...weird.
i'm a little freaked out.
and that is all i can explain for now.

the world is so intense...
i don't want to be friends with pedophiles who feed me mini corndogs nor lonely men who can't decide whether or not it's the steak i am eating or me they desire more.
energy flipping out in all directions.

if i don't write back will he go on a shooting spree?

all the lonely people. misguided. searching. so much ENERGY to put towards SOMETHING. needing so much a place to belong, feel safe, special, powerful, cared for, IMPORTANT....

so much energy to be tapped into...to be guided....
not to be grandiose, but i can see how a cult could plug into that...give people a system, somewhere to plug into....

it's all there for the taking.
people are LOST. grasping....searching...clinging....
this is a dangerous time for humanity.

people NEED a PURPOSE.
people are LOST.

i want to sleep for years until this is all over...

but i know i can't.

how to serve the people that serves THEIR life purpose and also the this planet's? remaining clear of MY agenda?

i don't to take advantage of anyone's confusion!
but how to do this without imposing any of my agenda? who is to say i have the right one?

i am ....lost too...sort of....

i could take charge so easily.
it would be a snap.
maybe i flatter myself....but damn...i have a clear path, i think i see the best way for them. i know they want/need a "plan". and i have one.
but that is dangerous thinking.
this is nothing to fuck with.

how do i get people to ask the "right questions" of/for themselves?

i am lost too.
ok no, i am not really lost, i actually know exactly what i want, where i want to go and who i am, usually.

i am scared of my own power.
so are they, maybe.

i don't know if this makes sense.

i'm not going to proofread this.
i need to go be and watch some tv.
but it's always about this "human condition" i see.

and god, blah blah blah.
what more can be said about it?
it's nothing new to say.

but here it is, and here we are anyway....

i wonder what assessments people make of ME?
i don't have some fucking "connection" to "truth".

or maybe i do.

fuck if i know.

42.

i know is all i said was a bunch of nonlinear crap just now.
my brain goes in too many directions.

or maybe that's what i like to say to excuse myself from responsibility.

7:00pm

ha. i just read my horoscopes for today at the bottom of this page. how spot on they are today!
did i just say "spot on" because i've been reading bill nelson's diary all day?
i have this annoying quirk of thinking and speaking in a really terrible english accent if i am around anyone or anything remotely from england. when i was talking to dick taylor of the pretty things on the phone, jason caught me saying something like "you bloody sod" or something really stupidly english. and i will never live that down, he will tease me about it until i die.

but he ran away from a bunny rabbit the other day. so i have that on him.

but yes, i do start being all "english" in a really terrible american way if i am around english people.
it's very embarrassing. it's some sort of affliction i have.

i need to knock it bloody off! bloody 'ell!

fuck, i've got to DASH! blimey!

6:04pm

i didn't make coffee and my bath is probably getting cold.
i did finally finish reading bill nelson's latest diary entry.
he said at the end that he should write to john foxx.
i really can't even describe what a happy and dreamy thing it is for me that those 2 are friends are correspond with each other.
i would seriously die to be in a room with either one of them.
i wonder what they say to each other?
imagine sitting at a table with both of them drinking tea?
their gorgeous voices with the english accents talking about ANYTHING would be music to my ears.
they could probably talk about the wonders of fly swatters and dish soap and i would be in heaven.
i know i've overly romanticized them in my head, but still, i would just faint.
i don't care how old, fat, or bald, or grey they would ever get. i would probably always see them as delicate englishmen with feminine qualities who have a very fine taste in grey suits and synthesizers. their tastefully woven fiberoptic scarves flowing in the wind like liquid.
there will always be some sort of old gothic bridges with fog and chrome androids floating around them in the background for me.
i just want to BE them.
oh, to know what on earth is bill nelson's email or john foxx's, i would give my little finger (almost).
but i'd be too shy to write anyway.
there is nothing i could give bill nelson that he doesn't already have (except for the clearing clutter with feng shui book, which he DESPERATELY needs).
i'm such a groupie (in the best sense of the word, i believe:)
tori would always "correct" me if i told her i worshipped her.
but she never really understood what i meant or more like it think i was just not very good at clarifying what i meant.
worship as in aspire to be! as in inspird to create! to BE more, to create more, to grow, to evolve.
not worship as in "you are a god and i am not and i will never be a god like you are". that is not what i meant.
but i do LOVE to ADORE my "idols". idols which, for me, are not these unattainable untouchable beings that i could never dream to be like.
maybe to use the word idol is too loaded. or even hero is loaded these days. i should just say "people who inspire me".
all i know is that when i feel this way towards a person i feel GOOD, it's not a crushing feeling of "oh, how lowly am i, and how lucky are they", but i feel my heart expanding with adoration like when you hear a beautiful song that you resonate with.
of course all of this is just my own projection and is all about me.
these are things i see in myself and when i see them and realize i could be MORE, it makes my heart grow and soar.
and i am thankful for certain people on the planet who makes my "vibrations hum" and who remind me of who i am and what i am capable of achieving.
and also that there are just some splendid people on this earth!
and how splendid that these splendid people i love KNOW each other and LIKE each other.
i just LOVE that! it makes me so happy :)

i better at least get into the bath. i guess i'll drink coffee at the club, maybe.

i can't find any good photos of bill nelson or john foxx on the net. bah.

bill nelson

john foxx

and his album metamatic that is one of my all time fave records and record covers!

and then of course, there is david sylvian from the band japan, and there are lots of photos of him:

he looks like that now, at least he did when i saw him (weird he looks a lot like zachary vex there who helped me start my website)

here he is really young.
i never knew about that book.
i'll have to research and see if it's a good one.

can you believe he played on my last record?
i did laundry in his washer.
i listened to kraftwerk in his jeep as he drove me home.
i used his screwdriver to fix my dustbuster.

am i a shameless groupie?
yes!

do these small things give me a thrill?
you bet! i can't help it!
i'm just not one who is "too cool" to not be thrilled about using david sylvian's screwdriver. haha :)
i'm sorry, i know it's ridiculous :)

not to mention his gorgeous wife, ingrid chavez who i wrote "i was waving at you" with and now i have lost contact with her. so sad, my fault.
i still listen to her record all the time, too.
it's really her i had the crush on, not david.

you really can't get a more beautiful couple than that :)

yes, let me just fawn over all the beautiful people for a minute here :)

another weird connection is she was in a band with zachary for a minute. wasn't she, i think?
no wait, a band with one of zachary's friends.
someone with an impossibly long last name.
werbowenko. richard werbowenko?
some wild last name like that.

weird little paths crossed and then poof...bye bye...

then we have the ingrid/prince connection.

but then pretty much EVERYONE in minneapolis has a prince connection.
everyone is 5 degrees from prince. and i mean EVERYone :)

this is a weird little incestuous city.
i suppose it's like that everywhere.

here i am missing people now but dreading going out and running into anyone.
well, there you go. i want to meet and know people but yet i don't.
i can't even be bothered to stay in contact with ingrid.
i'm terrible. really just the worst ever person to be friends with if you want to be contacted more than once every 5 years.

and i think i make friends with people who are similiar in that way, too. so we all just NEVER talk.
i mean, there is bill nelson in his journal getting all down on himself for not writing to john foxx!

i'd probably be the same way.
you have to drag me kicking and screaming to be social.
but then get me out there and i won't shut up.
i am so conflicted.

now an hour has passed and i have only 1/2 an hour to get ready! eek!

5:20pm

jason's home. i've managed to not fall asleep but instead do a load of laundry and take out the trash.
and i'm making a bath. put in a fizzy bath bomb that is citrusy to wake me up. thanks to a republican senator of minnesota who sent them to me.
surreal.
it's called "solar flare".
i think i WILL make some coffee.
we will leave at 7:30pm
i weighed myself today and i weighed 104.8, but i'm totally puffed all over from the humidity.
i wish i had a dehumidifier.
it feels like the air is at least 1/2 water.

oh, it's even more...at weather.com it says it's 85%. no wonder i feel sluggish.
i am literally moving through heavy air laden with water.

we are going to leave at 7:30pm to go to the concert, but jason says we don't have to stay for the whole show.
i'm so not in the mood for loud techno music.
i'm listening to belle and sebastian right now.
maybe i will get in the mood once i'm there, that is usually what happens.

ok, off to make coffee.

been downloading ultravox, kate bush, john foxx, and coldplay all day and night.
ultravox videos are extremely terrible. i'd never seen one before, and i'm so glad i had never see one until now because i have my own videos in my head that i have made for all their songs.
in fact, i love ultravox so much because they make me see such beautiful things in my head.
i don't know if the band had any control over the videos, but if they did, they are certainly horrible video makers.
it is odd to me they could make such "visual" music, yet be so visually unappealing in a video.

for kate bush it's the same way. just exceptionally visual music for me...and then her videos are just plain awful and goofy. beyond horrible they are.
so horrible , in fact, that coojie and i have said that kate bush videos are one of the "sorrowful mysteries" (for those of you who know about catholicism).

i would have to put ultravox videos into the sorrowful mysteries category now, too.

okokokok...off to make coffee...

4:56pm

i'm making a chicken tomato garlic soup.
i wish i had a bunch of fresh basil.
i'm trying to do SOMEthing today.
i want to go back to sleep.
i totally forgot that tonight we are going to see meat beat manifesto.
i am so not in the mood to go out.
3 days of going out and socializing in a row is too much for me right now.
i'm glad we have a reserved table so it's not like i have to just stand there all night.
so that will be nice. i can sit and be able to see.
maybe i should take a little nap.
a feeling of intense sleepiness is overtaking me.
i need to take a bath. go to the store and get dog food.
clean the kitchen.
i only have 2 hours. i don't think i can take a nap.
this grey weather, storm, humidity is putting me into a comatose state.
i need to do laundry. i would make coffee but i have a feeling all that will do is make me nervous on top of tired.

i've been trying to read bill nelson's new diary entry all day today but my concentration is so bad i can only get through a paragraph an hour.

 

3:47pm

it went from 88 degrees to 68 degrees,
it's still raining so i guess going to the p.o. or going out for a walk is out of the question.
i'm finding it hard to get motivated to do something today.
the thunder and lightning, while it's nice, it's distracting.
i just feel floaty like it's neither day nor night.

2:42pm

it got so dark.	i comfort the dogs
it turns to dark grey instead of black	the storm comes in!	these photos are not retouched!
it got pretty creepy here!	i did not touch the contrast on these photos!		deiter and sebastian huddle
deiter's worried look

well, that was a freaky storm that just flew in here!
it looked like the apocalypse!
tornado weather, to be sure.
but it just rained and rained!
now it is a medium grey outside.
i'm listening to ultravox.

conversation between jason and i:

[13:55] j: oh my the entire sky just turned BLACK!
[13:56] ana: ya it got real dark here just now
[13:56] ana: jeepers
[13:56] ana: woa
[13:56] ana: i see the cloud
[13:56] ana: i'm gonna take a pictire
[13:56] j: Creature this is BAD!
[13:56] j: ayeeeeeee!
[13:57] j: The apocolpyse!
[13:57] ana: holy shit
[13:57] ana: i think it's going t be another one of those everything flying past the window things
[13:57] j: Yeah
[13:57] ana: damn
[13:57] ana: i hear everything being blown over
[13:58] ana: it does look like the apocalypse
[13:58] ana: more like smoke than a cloud
[13:59] ana: so dark all the street lights have come on
[14:01] j: Ok, first thing is first, start repenting
[14:01] ana: here comes the rain
[14:02] j: Oy vey!
[14:02] j: It's just starting to pass me.
[14:02] camgirl7: no lie
[14:02] ana: weather.com says it's 88 degrees
[14:02] ana: tornado weather to be sure
[14:03] ana: it's now totally black here
[14:03] ana: but just rain and lightning and thunder
[14:03] ana: nothing horizontally flying past my window like that one time
[14:08]j: that's good
[14:08] j: It's still dark here, but not pitch black like it was.
[14:18] ana: i love you
[14:25] j: I love you too :)
[14:25] ana: all the dogs are squished into me
[14:26] ana: except pooka, he doesn't care
[14:26] j: I bet - has it passed you yet?
[14:26] ana: it's just grey now
[14:26] ana: thunder and lightning
[14:26] j: Yeah same here
[14:27] ana: deiter is the most afraid of thunder
[14:27] j: Poor little guy

Horoscope for Aries (June 20 2005)

You may have a lot of good ideas today, but no one is going to listen to you, so you may as well go it alone. Don't waste your time trying to convince others. Do your own thing, and you'll be the one smiling at the end of the day.

and

For the benefit of all
This can be a very pleasant time, although it is not very good for getting things done. You are more likely to spend time in fantasy and daydreams than in working in the everyday world. But if you are involved in any creative activity that has to develop completely inside your mind before taking physical form, this is an extremely useful influence. At its highest, it enables you to deal with people with great compassion and tenderness. In your close relationships you act for the benefit of all concerned, not only to satisfy your own needs and desires. A relationship that begins during this time has the double potential of being very spiritual or insubstantial and illusory. Time will show you whether it is a real spiritual relationship between "soul-mates" or just a delusion to that effect.

and

You may be feeling pretty good about yourself and your life now, but you have the tendency to over-inflate what you can do. Be careful; these are tricky times. Even if you think you are at the top of your game, don't be too cocky. Speak as clearly as possible and do not, under any circumstances, promise more than you can deliver.