june 17th , 2005
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10:39pm

i made tubes for over 6 hours.
i feel kind of out of it!
i was in a pretty good mood all day but now i'm in a bad mood.
i'm stressed about money.
i don't really want to type about it because it's jus too boring to even complain about.
that's all.
i didn't know this sunday is father's day.
everything feels overwhelming to me right now at this very moment.
i hope everything turns out ok like it always does.
*deep heavy sigh*
i need a break.
i hope my good mood returns to me because i need it to keep going.
i hope these things i am spending hours a day making turn ok really cool and people buy them.
i'm trying the best i can right now.
ok shifting now...out of this temporary feeling of fear and into...something better...

i need to make myself tired so i can go to bed before 6am. i need to get myself out of this cycle of staying up until the sun rises.
maybe i will read now or something. it's weird...it's my brain is fried and begetable like but in the background it is working overtime solving puzzles so i feel both really awake and really zombified both at the same time. it's a weird combination and i can't say i really like it.

i wish i could snap my fingers and my house would be sparkling clean.
i just want my house to be completely clean and organized, i want my bank to be full of money, and i want to weigh 5 less pounds and i want a balcony and a lemonade. and now. i want it now.
now now now.

but that is just not going to happen to i guess i will drink a warm diet coke and watch will and grace and take some tylenol pm.

you should see the mountain of fuzzy tubes i have made.
jason was impressed.
i will take a photo of it tomorrow for you :)

please universe, make the tubes into cash.

it's 11:11

that must be a good sign :)

 

 

3:38pm

it's totally weird to think that in 17 days it will be the 4th of july.
the older i get the more meaningless and surreal markers of time become to me.
i woke up at pm which is a real drag. i have been staying up too late. staying up until the sun comes up again.
i was in a major tube making roll with my knit magic last night.
i think it's good for me to do because it's mindless but it gets my nervous energy out by turning that crank on it furiously.
plus it pleases me to think that with each tube i make that is one more thing i am going to get rid of in my house.
and my yarn wall is getting less and less now. i just want that wall to be white again.
and then repaint it because it's gotten kind of dirty and dusty from the ziplock bags of yarn being on it for so long.
i'm sick of staring at the yarn. at 1st it made me feel happy and coomforted to look at it. it was spendid and it made me feel abundant. but then after a year or so, or however long it's been up there all i would do is crochet it all in my mind whenever i saw it. and after many months of being constantly reminded about how much i am not doing anything with that yarn it started to be irritating to me.
so now the yarn wall is shrinking and i am so happy.
i remember when i 1st started crocheting and my rule was that i would not buy any new yarn until i had used up the ON skein i had. and that worked for a few months and then i don't know what happened.
i guess i just went yarn crazy. and then when fuzzy got all that free yarn from a woman who was trying to get her stash down, well, we had so much yarn it was just hilarious. lawn bags and lawn bags full of yarn.
and i took 12 and she took 1/2 and that is when the yarn wall started.
i must have gotten about 3 30 gallon garbage bags full of yarn. and i warpped each and every skein into a ball because i had that much nervous energy in me because of my mother.
and now i am converting with orbs into tubes with more nervous energy.
i'm still contemplating on whether or not to get rid of my cheapie acrylic yarn. cheapie acrylic yarn can come in handy for stuff. i may keep it. i just don't know. but i am starting to separate it all from the rest of the yarn.
at 1st i had all my yarn separate by colour. now it's still seprated by colour, but also now all the thin stuff that can fit through my knit magic is in one big container.
and now i am starting to separate the acrylic yarn into another container, just in case i want to rid of it.
i know this must fascinate you to no end to read this. i dount yu are even reading this because i know it's boring.
but that is where my mind is. partly. my mind is thinking multidimensional thoughts that cannot be out into words..and the nervous part of my mind os dealing with all this mundane organization stuff.

i just have to keep making tubes furiously so that i can make things to sell so that i can eat and pay bills.

i can't remember any of my dreams. but they were weird, of course. i totally remembered them right as i got up, and the second i got totally up, they all disappeared. just as well. i think i don't want to remember tham anyway.


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Horoscope for Aries (June 17 2005)

Emotional stress is making it difficult for you to make a decision. Let things settle before you make promises or sign papers. Mistakes will be the result of acting too fast.

and

New experiences *
Today you desire experience and activity. It will not be enough to stay in exactly the same place you have been. But instead of making you dissatisfied, as might be expected, this desire makes you go after what you want, with complete optimism that you will get it. On the intellectual level, this influence can signify study or other mind-expanding inquiry. You have a strong desire to understand and know, even about ideas that you normally consider to be beyond your understanding. It is very important today that you act with a firm sense of discipline and not simply indulge every compulsive whim that comes along. Take on the projects that you can handle plus a little extra, but not very much extra. Handle your resources intelligently and be careful not to invest unwisely.

and

Relationships become edgier now as your frustrations drive you to make something happen. It's those desires which cannot be realized that push you into action, but this is dangerous territory for you Rams. Remember that your sense of immediacy continues to be strong, but the harder you push, the more you will be slowed down by circumstances.