june 16th , 2005
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worked on making tubes for about 7 hours!
it's probaly going to take me over a week to make them all and then several weeks to assemble them into things.
my hnads really hurt from making them.
been listening to c2c.
time for bed now...so tired...3:38am

9:06pm

i'm feeling a lot better.
jason and i are trying to figure out the measurements of this condo.
the way they have it written down is confusing. it's about 1,3000 square feet.
jason is on the phone with his mom trying to understand what they mean by these measurements.
i think it'll be anough room for is. when we lived togetehr in apt #1 that was 1,200 square feet and we both had twice as much stuff as we do now, so it should be fine.

i'm making more tubes.

6:51pm

went food shopping, thank god, i needed food. all i had was sardines.
now i have chicken, strawberries, tomatoes, cherries, fish, garlic, pistachios, rice, and a bunch of tv dinners that were $1 each.

i decided to drink some wine last night and now that i drink so much less i can really tell more acutely what a crappy state i feel in the next day even more. today i am the opposite of yesterday, i have no energy, i'm nervous, depressed, discontent...i didn't have a hangover but today i just feel completely unhappy.

i see a little miniature model of the condo they are building. it was all precisely made from paper, it was impressive to see something that huge and delicate made from paper. it was pretty. so i finally got to see a 3d version of the place i will be living in 2 years and how it relates to all the other buildings around it. it was still kind of hard to visualize but it was good to see something. i'm going to go back there and take a photograph of it.
the thing i am most nervous about is will this place get enough direct sunlight? it has a ton of windows, but i'm just not sure of we are going to get much direct sunlight. it's impossible to know. i hate not knowing.
they also said that they were going to be using some building materials that will emenate some fermeldahyde!
and that concerns me. they couldn't tell me specifically WHAT building materils, how much fermeldahyde and for how long it will be emnating it! i told them to find out!
now i have to go on a google search to see what building materials do this.
scary.
so those are my 2 main concerns. will there be enough sunlight? but i guess i don't get a lot of direct sunlight in my room either, and i am really happy with the lighting in here, so that could be fine. and there will be huge windows and balconies. i think it'll be ok.
but this fermeldahyde thing? wtf is that about.

also the 1st thing you see when you open the front door is a door to a bathroom (but you walk into the living room)
seeing a bathrooom 1st thing is bad feng shui. but if we keep the door closed and put a mirror on the outside of the door, it think it will be ok. i know...i'm obsessing. but these are important things.

it's going to be so nice to have balconies, tho, and i think this will cheer up my life immensely.
and i'm very very excited about that!

i need to go chill out now. either read or crochet or watch tv.
my brain is slower today.
i feel almost like there is no activity going on it at all.
i feel like a vegetable.

3:18pm

i'm feeling more calm.
ate a sardine sandwhich.
kiitos gave me a little mortar and pestle!! :)
i am so happy about this! now i can make fresh pesto and other things :)
i guess i have lost weight. today i weight 105.6 pounds at 25% bodyfat.
i weighed that about a week ago, i think, so i must be staying at that weight, mostly, which is awesome!
i hope i just STAY there. that is the lowest i have weighed in years.
so now i just have 6 pounds to lose. it seems to within my reach.
i jjust want to weigh 99 or 100. that is my goal.
not that i would shoot myself if i stayed at 105.6, that is also cool. but if i can get to 99 or 100 then i will fit back into ALL my clothes that i miss so much.
i haven't been able to ewar ANY of my clothes for years and years now and i desperately miss wearing them.
and when i finally get to my ideal weight, i can make myself a body double sewing dumm to make fitted clothes for myself.
i think i have been losing weight because i simply have no food except for sardines and stale chips and my house.
jason is on his way home. he'll be here at 3:45pm and then he goes to out down his 10% (or 15%) and sign for this condo.
very emotional.
so weird because this place does not exist yet.
we are going to go out to eat somewhere to celebrate.
it's totally sunny out and 78 degrees.

1:24pm

strange dreams. nervous sleep. still nervous. stomache ache.
i had a dream i had animated gifs on my LJ one was a dragon, one was a snake, and i forgot what the other one was.
but they had different option on how you could make them move. in one option i could make them expand and swirl, and they expended so large in the page and twisted and turned that it ran into other entries and you couldn't read my text. at the very top i had animated gifs of fish, but they were just the bones of fish.
people were yelling at me that it was screwing up their friends page so i made to make them go back to being small animated gifs.

kiitos is comiing over in 1/2 an hour so she can give me some paintings i bought from her.
and then i am going with jason as he puts down 10% of the condo he wants to buy that hasn't been built yet.
i am nervous. but excited, too. a lot of emotion.

i have so much to say. i might just write it in a paper journal for myself.

i wrote lots yesterday here, but deleted it all.


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Horoscope for Aries (June 16 2005)

Don't try to go against the grain today. The more accommodating and compromising you are, the better things will go. Someone may try to upset you or hold you back. Accept the inevitable, but stand up for your rights.

and

New friends
Under this influence you will seek an exciting break from your daily routine. You also attract new friends, because under this influence you show a fascinating, different side of your personality in a way that is winning and attractive. If a relationship that starts today does last more than a short time, it may revolutionize your life in some way. You will have to give your friend or lover great freedom, because there is no room for possessiveness or jealously in such a relationship. But if you can live in such an unstructured relationship, your understanding of life and of yourself will be greatly broadened. In most relationships people do not need to make as many demands upon each other as they do, mostly out of mutual insecurity. You are able to understand this at this time.

and

Although you are still running ahead, new information now encourages you to change your mind -- and maybe even your direction. What you learn, however, may not arrive through normal communication channels. It's as if you are downloading the information directly from the cosmos, but it's really coming from your own subconscious mind. Pay attention to your dreams, for they carry an important message.