june 4th , 2005

11:19pm

i felt better today. i don't think i had a temperature, but i didn't take it.
i was going to tell u something and now i've forgottten what!

i think i'll go to this tomorrow:

http://www.ordway.org/season/festival/about_mass.html

have you been paying attention this this?

http://www.prophetyahweh.com/visitors_area11.php?PHPSESSID=598c8aed7dfc588ce650e168ca2b658e

it's been a BIZARRE story so far if you've followed it from the beginning.

 

10:49pm

i need to see this again:

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0083390/

and a little late night fucking :)

strangely, i became catherine zeta jones during it and could'nt shake it so went with it.
but that isn't such a bad thing.
life is awfully strange.
a week where i am ashton kutcher making out with bjork (in a dream) and now an hour being catherine zeta.
i feel like what's his name in quantum leap!

i found the recipe of the one thing that made jason finally mention a vegetable with the same sort of longing as pepperoni!

http://www.bob-an.com/recipe/dailyjc/basic/gomae/gomae.html

since i'm kind of on the topic of sex i will mention i had this kind of uncomfortable dream that i was in an very skimpy orange crocheted bikini at the ocean and i found this certain way to lay on the beach so that when the waves came in it would make me come.

well. there you have it.

 

7:32pm

today it rained and rained and rained. sometime so hard you could not see a mile.
but no thunder or lightning. then, once in awhile it would get sunny again with big puffy clouds.
onc it rained and i could still see a big patch of blue sky and puffy clouds through the rain.

finally we were able to go for a walk.
we saw a rainbow :)

and then i saw the saddest little dead bird i have ever seen.
i wish i would have had my camera with me.
it was the saddest saddest little thing.
it looked like it died from the sheer force of the rain. like it just put it's head down on the cement from sheer exhaustion, it's delicate little eye closed, it's little toes curled.
i don't think i've ever seen a more sad little dead animal in all my life. little grey bird. so delicate.
it's little waterlogged feathers. it was probably only 2 or 4 inches long. tiny.
a tiny little life now gone.
off to renew itself somewhere else.

now i'm watching bambi from 1942. i haven't seen it since i was also tiny.
it's bringing back all these weird memories in me.
hitler and bambi, around at the same time.

i put that into google and got THIS

i'll read it later.

it's true bambi evokes such deep primal feelings of love and cuteness i just want to live there forever.
like when i look into the pookadog's eyes.
the dogs were playing so much today, trilling and trilling and going upside down and stretching their back legs out straight in joy and abandon so their bellies lay flat on the bed.
and they did this for such a long time that it started to HURT to smile that long!

i think this must be how most people feel when they see babies and children or something.
i rarely feel that way towards human children, but i can towards animals.

i know this bambi movie is going to get sad tho, right?
bah.

it's weird i like bambi so much because i really loathe most disney things.

2:36am

i am so disturbed by this:
<entry deleted>
(oh that entry was deleted now, but you can read it in his lj: username: yosefnightmare)

it was posted in gothic babes.

i've written a bunch of replies to it and not posted any.
i know it's futile to get into it with this guy.

this is what i wrote but did not post.
grrrr.

"did you even bother to read the community rules before you posted this? obviously not.

you're 58 years old and you write immature crap like that?
i hope you're better at bowling or "swiming" (as you call it), pompous mysogynistic asstard.
rape isn't sexy. and this story doesn't belong here.
and you're so ignorant you actually think you need a paid LJ account to post a photo. you don't even know what LJ stands for.

i hope what you write stays within your mind, because try that shit in real life and you're going to get thrown in jail for a long long time where YOU'LL be some big boy's rape victim and slave. then you'll see how it feels like to be on the other side.
raping a woman isnt "expressing your individualism". it doesn't make you unique or special. it makes you a very troubled person who needs to see a psychiatrist.

http://www.rainn.org/
"The Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN) is the nation's largest anti-sexual assault organization. RAINN operates the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1.800.656.HOPE and carries out programs to prevent sexual assault, help victims and ensure that rapists are brought to justice. Inside, you'll find statistics, counseling resources, prevention tips, news and more."

but the bottom line is, you are free to express yourself in words how you see fit. BUT, THIS is not the place for it. it's highly inappropriate and offensive for you to post this here.

and when i come to this community i don't need to subjected to mysogyny. "

people like that scare the crap out of me.
it stirs up everyhing in me. i want to fight it, lash out.
but i know there is nothing i can do.
it makes me feel helpless and that makes me even more fearful and angry.
i have no words that can describe my pain when i see a post like that.

fitting that this is my horoscope for today:

"Obstacles ***
This may be a somewhat difficult day, full of frustration and irritating occurrences. Do not plan to launch any daring or risky activity, because the chances are that you will not succeed. Your energies do not have the necessary vigor or power. It is better to concentrate upon routine activities that require you to follow a well-established pattern. Other people may seem unusually irritating to you today. They may seem to be trying to "get your goat," or worse, to be taking actions that are quite destructive to you and your interests. You feel angry, but this influence does not often give you the opportunity to express your anger. You may be forced to seethe in silence, although it is not a good idea to let the energy just sit inside you. It can become physically destructive. "

there is a lot about this guy that just screams to me that he is a real rapist and he isn't just "getting it out" in his writing alone. it's just my gut feeling. i could be wrong.

it makes me feel so angry that writing would not probably be considered a hate crime.
if someone were to write graphic stuff about getting off as they stuck jews in a crematorium or getting off lynching black people, then someone would notice and say it was a hatecrime.
but when it's against women, it's just a "fetish".

i don't know, it's a thin line and a grey area. or is it?
on one hand , all my societal conditioning tells me this is a grey area and i should be tolerant of it.

but all my cells and soul and gut scream that this is not a grey area at all but something that is very very evil and a person who writes things like this should be taken in for a psychiatric evaluation to make sure that this isn't going to esculate into "real" violence against women.

although i feel that the writing, in and of itself, it a form of violence.

but then people will argue that where do we draw the line on THAT? who gets to decide who has to have a psychiatric evaluation because of something one writes?
surely many would think i should be psychiatrically evaluated to see if i am a danger to society.

and then that whole thing....

all i know is that in my gut i am afraid of this man. and i think he poses a real danger to women.

but you can't convict anyone on a gut feeling, can you?

 

 

Horoscope for Aries (June 4 2005)

Obstacles
This may be a somewhat difficult day, full of frustration and irritating occurrences. Do not plan to launch any daring or risky activity, because the chances are that you will not succeed. Your energies do not have the necessary vigor or power. It is better to concentrate upon routine activities that require you to follow a well-established pattern. Other people may seem unusually irritating to you today. They may seem to be trying to "get your goat," or worse, to be taking actions that are quite destructive to you and your interests. You feel angry, but this influence does not often give you the opportunity to express your anger. You may be forced to seethe in silence, although it is not a good idea to let the energy just sit inside you. It can become physically destructive.

and

Although you can clearly see what needs to be done, this doesn't give you the right to boss others around in a dictatorial manner. Contrary to your beliefs, there are other ways to reach the desired destination. Yours may be the best for you, but it may not work for someone else. Consciously give up control around the outer edges of your life. You'll be better off for it.

and

Your enthusiasm will help get the ball rolling, no matter what it is you are involved in. You can make a difference to someone you are close to if you are positive. Don't be alarmed by other people's lack of stamina or ability to do things.