may 29th , 2005
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11:57pm

the saints game was ok! but it was funny because within the 1st 5 minutes of getting out of the car this family that was walking in front of us towards the stadium...the mother turned around and just flipped out about my hair. she could NOT stop turning around. she was almost walking backwards just to look at me. she was nice about it tho but it was weird. all the questions about how i did it blah blah blah and how if she did that to her hair her husband probably wouldn't even get into bed with her (!!!) and i said then i'd get a different husband. and it's just such a foreign concept to me as she said she lets her husband pick out her haircolour. WTF? that's so wrong.
then the husband turned around and said "wow that is BRIGHT hair!" (thanks for the heads up genius).
and blah blah blah , on and on it went *insert unwitty comments here about my hair*
it as all good natured but whatever.
then just a few minutes later a little boy turned around and saw me and screamed "STRANGER!" and went RUNNING head on as fast as he could without looking and smacked himself into a brick wall like some sort of cartoon. of course it hurt and he was crying but i had to laugh because of the cartoon-like nature of it and i said to jason "see? this is what i do to children". and i apologized to the mom (as if it was my fault).
the rest of the time it was ok. but they oversold the general seating and so there was nowhere to sit but we found a good place to stand and we watched 1/2 the game. we found out on the net that we lost.
more stories later!

+++

http://www.citypages.com/databank/26/1277/article13322.asp

i think this is a mostly very insulting and ignorant article about craft (mostly knitting) in our local paper here. and also insulting just to women in general on a whole bunch of levels. i'm pissed.
i might write my 1st ever "letter to the editor" about it when i've gathered my thoughts about it.

5:06pm

ok, had a little breakdown about that. but i'm ok now, i think.
i had no idea i had such a phobia of baseball games because i haven't been put in the position of going to one since i was very little. so i had no idea that it would bring up all this horrible emotional crap about school.
here i could go handgliding, bungee jumping, or go on survivor. but to go to a baseball game makes me cower in fear.
the wounds of school go deep.
but now that i have gotten to the bottom of it and isolated it and named it and had a little cry and told jason and he understood. i feel like i could try and go to the game for an hour and 1/2.
i'll try it out. maybe it will be ok.
but at least i know i don't have to be there for 3 hours, trapped in a stadium with potential people i despise with every fiber of my being. i can deal with sports fans one on one, but get them together and the whole herd mentality thing...and the whole macho shit, it really can bring out my hatred of humanity in the worst way.
i can get in that fight or flight mode were i'm ready to shrink to 2 inches tall and hide or gauge someone's eyeballs out and fight to the death.
but at least i know why i am feeling the way i am feeling now and that makes me less fearful to go because i understand where my feelings are coming from and why.

i will try to go to this game with "beginner's mind" as best i can.
which will be pretty pitiful, really. but who knows. this might be ok.
i'll give it a whirl for 1 1/2 hours even tho i would rather have a pap smear then go to a sports game, at this point.
jason said we didn't have to go, tho. so that was nice.
but i feel better having talked about it now.

better go take a bath.

4:34pm

trying to get in the mood to go out to this thing.
i don't know tho...the thought of being at a baseball game with people yelling and children and just all that stuff just makes me cringe. i'm trying to suss out of i could possibly adapt to this or if it's just going to trigger an anxiety attack in me. and i'll be stuck in a huge stadium of unpleasant noises and smells and people i dislike for 3 hours feeling total anxiety.
i just want to be with jason. i miss him. i want to do stuff with him and be with him this weekend.
but i want something calm. and i know everyone is going to stare at me because of my hair.
and people who go to things like this, i am assuming from what i know, are the kind who are going to stare at me.
conservative sports fans and their staring children. all screaming and yelling and eating hotdogs.
i just don't know if i can go there. i don't know if i feel strong enough to deal with that.
i almost feel like i have pms or something. but i know i don't, it's too early for that.
but i feel on the edge of something. like if i am in the wrong environment it could make me cry.
i think i have a terrible phobia of all things "sports".
maybe this is all coming from my schooling and all the hell i went through in gym class and all the hell i got from jocks and people who wanted to be jocks. i think it is.
it think it's bringing to the surface every horrible feeling i have from gym class from all my years of school.
and all the hell i went through from the types of people who would go to a game like this. i mean, i quit high school 3 months before i graduated over this.
and it's making me have a panic attack before even getting there.
and i don't know if i really have it in me to "work through this" today.
i've already been battling so much in my life and so much fear. do i really have to put myself on a limb and go battle this phobia i have today when i'd rather just be mellow and enjoy the day in other ways?
do i have to put myself in the position to "make peace" with all the hatred i feel towards sports and everything to do with sports just so that i can be with my boyfriend?
ok, now i'm crying. i don't think this is a good sign.

12:56pm

i do feel right on the edge of getting a cold. my throat feels all funny.
i had crappy money stress dreams all night.
tonight jason and i are going to a saints game, which is a REALLY odd thing for us to do since we both hate sports.
he got free tickets or something. maybe it isn't baseball, maybe it's softball. i don't know.
he says you don't go for the game but for everything else.
something about how they also have pig races and all this other weird stuff.
that doesn't sound very interesting to me, but i will give it a whirl. jason says that you should experience a saints game at least once.

 

talk about conflicting horoscopes!

Horoscope for Aries (May 29 2005)

Don't keep your feelings all locked up. Extend your warmth, compassion and affection toward someone who rocks your world. Do what you can to strengthen your personal partnership or, if you are single, get to know better someone who interests you.

and

A radical reappraisal
On this day you will probably have difficulty relating to others, feeling cool and reserved even toward those you love. The problem is that you will have to spend today reevaluating what you are getting out of your relationships and what you are putting into them. You will have a strong awareness of yourself as an independent, even isolated human being, realizing that no one can really get inside of you and feel what you feel. Obviously, this can lead to loneliness and depression, but it can also lead to a radical reappraisal of your life and to a sober consideration of yourself as a human being relating to other human beings. It is necessary to separate yourself from the illusions that run through even the best relationship and to look at what is really there.

and

You probably need to talk about your feelings, but tread carefully. There are monsters hiding in unexplored regions of your subconscious mind. Muster up some of that infamous Aries courage and get to work. You're better off getting started right away, even if you don't know what's in store for you.